Controlling Exes and Boundaries??

[CoolMom6]

I was about to go into my whole situation and felt bad about putting it out there incase my man reads and feels talked about before I can discuss it with him personally.
So here goes:

I just want to ask remarrieds, husbands and/or wives; do any of you have or had a problem with an ex still trying to control, dominate, or use your spouse or you??
For instance, do they continue to call day and night, asking for favors, chores, money, things for the kids, things for themselves?
Do they do this even when they have a new spouse they should/could be asking to help?
I was wondering, how do you implement boundaries in a situation like this?

 

[klynnmiller]

Hi CoolMom4! I'm not remarried yet, but hope to be very soon. I too have a very difficult problem with the controlling ex. His ex-wife uses the kids to control him and tries to do everything she can to turn the kids against him. Unfortunately, it's worked with his 11 year old son. She's telling him that his father won't love him anymore or make time for him if he gets remarried, and giving him all these false reasons why I'm this horrible person! It really hurts my fiance, and I don't know what to do about it. She tells him that his father is choosing me over the son. Like there's not room for us all in his heart. Once I figure out how to draw the lines, I'll let you know, but it's difficult to live with! Good luck, and talk with your husband and let him know how it makes you feel! God bless!

 

[CoolMom6]

Klynn; that's the thing, too, we are yet to be married, also.

I have exes (!) as well, and they tried that whole, "Your mom is choosing "X" over you," thing, but my older kids, who are 13 and 11 have figured it all out. They know why I did what I did, and they also know why their dad has done things, too. I am not good at advice, but the only thing I would recommend is to continue being your friendly, loving self with the boy, and you and his dad should continue being positive, supportive and never condemning about the mother in front of him. Model Christ's love and forgiveness whenever possible. I know it is tough, but one thing is, God has not allowed me to be ugly towards my exes, even though the things they have said and rumored about me have been incredible.

Question is: Is she allowing him time with you guys? Or is the boy not wanting time with his dad now? That has to be laid down in stone. Dads need time with their children. He needs to have special time alone with him, which will reinforce the bond and show him that not all his mom says is true. He needs to reiterate that his love will not change, and he needs to express that love in a positive way as possible.

That's all I can think of now, but pray for her. She sounds like she is hurting and hurting people lash out when they don't have Christ to heal them.

 

[CoolMom6]

Just to explain a little of my sitch;
My future hubby is a super dad, a good-hearted man, and his ex really didn't appreciate him at all, to put it mildly. She is remarried, but continues to call him, ask him to do things, not only for the children, and to do favors that her new husband could do.

I think that it is wrong. It may have been okay while he was a single man, and I feel that he needs to start "weaning" her of dependence on him because I have 4 kids of my own, and his two boys need him more than their mom does, YKWIM?
I would also like to have time with my new hubby after we are married, in which he is not totally exhausted as he is after a full day of work, and responsibilities calling which are not his to answer to.

Anyone else have one of these issues and/or ideas, prayers, solutions???

 

[klynnmiller]

Klynn; that's the thing, too, we are yet to be married, also.

I have exes (!) as well, and they tried that whole, "Your mom is choosing "X" over you," thing, but my older kids, who are 13 and 11 have figured it all out. They know why I did what I did, and they also know why their dad has done things, too. I am not good at advice, but the only thing I would recommend is to continue being your friendly, loving self with the boy, and you and his dad should continue being positive, supportive and never condemning about the mother in front of him. Model Christ's love and forgiveness whenever possible. I know it is tough, but one thing is, God has not allowed me to be ugly towards my exes, even though the things they have said and rumored about me have been incredible.

Question is: Is she allowing him time with you guys? Or is the boy not wanting time with his dad now? That has to be laid down in stone. Dads need time with their children. He needs to have special time alone with him, which will reinforce the bond and show him that not all his mom says is true. He needs to reiterate that his love will not change, and he needs to express that love in a positive way as possible.

That's all I can think of now, but pray for her. She sounds like she is hurting and hurting people lash out when they don't have Christ to heal them.

CoolMom, WOW! I understand what you are saying, my future husband is an amazing man and a father like I never actually knew existed. He's seriously "SuperDad"! He coaches his daughter's softball, and his son's baseball and football. He takes his son out hunting for the weekend almost every weekend during hunting season, which is now. He spends quality alone time with him at least 1-2 days a week. Still his son is incredibly demanding and refuses to accept that his parents are not going to get back together again. It's been 4, almost 5 years since the divorce, and his ex has already lived with another man and had a baby with him. We have been together for a year to the day...it's our "1 year anniversary" today. Still his son plainly refuses to accept me, just stating nothing more than he doesn't like me without having any concrete reasons. He will call his mother to come pick him up even if I just come over and he's there. The sick part about it is that his mother used to cry in front of the children every night for like 3-4 weeks straight when we first started going out saying, "Your dad needs to give me a second chance. God hates divorce!" I feel that was only because the current "live-in boyfriend" had left, and she was realizing that another person was going to get this great man. She adds fuel to the fire by supporting her son's disrespect toward me and giving him extra "reasons" in which to hate me. It's so hard on my dear future hubby and I hate seeing him go through this. He truly loves both of his kids and my 2 as well. His daughter has her mother's game all figured out, but no one can talk any sense into the boy! I know that he's just trying to protect his mother, and I can't fault him for his loyalty, but how can a mother poison her child with hatred? Did I mention that the reason they are divorced is because she cheated on him and wouldn't leave the boyfriend to work on the marriage? OK, enough about me.

I agree that your future husband needs to be a little more unavailable for his ex-wife. She's a big girl, and if it doesn't have to do with the children, than it's no longer his respondsibility. He's taking on a new role with you, and that doesn't include being his ex-wife's babysitter! There is a reason that they are no longer together. She's got a new husband, and the new husband can be her little errand-boy. I'll keep you in my prayers and keep in touch with you to see how everything is going! Keep on praying, and have a deep discussion with your future husband. He may not realize that this is a problem and would really come in between a new marriage. I can't believe that her new husband hasn't had enough of this already! Lots of love and prayers!

Klynn

 

[CoolMom6]

Some praise reports:

The boys were to go to mom's house and instead of jumping up and taking them, he waited for the stepdad. Stepdad was late, and then he asked son to call stepdad once again to remind him to come pick them up.
I was impressed!
I was almost sure he would cave and take them home.
I would not have minded in this case, for it was about the children, but I see he held up the responsibility for the new husband to take over in this case.
He is going to need prayer to keep these good boundaries up.
I am praising God!!
Hopefully, he can stand his ground when it is the ex.

 

[Yitzchak]

Just to explain a little of my sitch;
My future hubby is a super dad, a good-hearted man, and his ex really didn't appreciate him at all, to put it mildly. She is remarried, but continues to call him, ask him to do things, not only for the children, and to do favors that her new husband could do.

I think that it is wrong. It may have been okay while he was a single man, and I feel that he needs to start "weaning" her of dependence on him because I have 4 kids of my own, and his two boys need him more than their mom does, YKWIM?
I would also like to have time with my new hubby after we are married, in which he is not totally exhausted as he is after a full day of work, and responsibilities calling which are not his to answer to.

Anyone else have one of these issues and/or ideas, prayers, solutions???

I think that the key word is weaning..... This is a situation that didn't just start yesterday. It should be a gradual change , in my opinion. I think also that as with natural weaning , there is bound to be some resistance and fussing. But you set a plan for change and then stick to it within reason. Give fair warning and then follow through. Resist the tendency to have the same discussion over and over and let actions speak for themselves after the first or second discussion.

Lord I pray that you give wisdom to Coolmom for this situation. To everything there is a time and a season and this is a season change for some. Give her confidence and strength. In Jesus name.

 

[CoolMom6]

Thank you, Yitzchak, for the prayers and ideas. I am keeping my comments to myself, now, although I spoke up the first couple of times I saw it happen. I see some positive change already, praise God!!

 

[alabaster jar]

dh's first wife used to call my dh all the time and once he took the phone into the bathroom to talk to her 'privately.' (this happened when we were living together in our first home)
anyway, yes, exes do break the boundaries with each other and maybe they feel because they once were married to each other that they can get freebies from each other still? I don't know?
I'm just relieved that I can't think of a single reason she'd ever have to call our house again, as their son is grown now.

 

[klynnmiller]

You know, with kids in the picture, regardless of their ages, we will always have to deal with the exes. My fiance has to deal with mine and I have to deal with his. I think that the important thing, like Yitzchak said, is making a plan with your SO and sticking to it. Yeah, there are times that I do go a little beyond myself, but it's always for my kids' sake and not for the ex that I do. And I expect that my fiance will do the same. You can't erase the past, but you can go forward with the future. It helps that my fiance (will be married in July!!!) is so very good about helping me stay secure in our relationship. I know that he and his ex will always be parents, just as me and my ex will as well. Just keep the "favors" down to only ones that benefit the kids. If it doesn't involve the kids than the ex should look elsewhere for assistance. Divorce is a permanent BREAK, and it really isn't fair for the ex to play the "I-had-him/her-first. He/She-will-always-be-indebted-to-me" game! God bless you all who are dealing with marriage after divorce and step-families. Our role as step-parents is one of those all too easily taken for granted tasks that is often thankless. God knows and that's all that matters!!!

 

[CoolMom6]

Is that ever the truth, Klynn. I just read this, and I find that while he is not running and jumping quite as much; Praise God, maybe it was something I had gently said, and/or the prayers, but I do see her still call him and push his buttons. For all kinds of reasons: kids, new hubby probs., money issues; you name it. He gets bummed and quiet and distant.

I do not feel quite as secure, as he is not talking about marriage lately in any way, shape, or form.
We planned on doing the counseling after the first of the year, so maybe we will learn more about what we want and need there. I plan on bringing this all gently out in the open.
I am just hurting for him, but he lets her do this.
I am hurting a bit for me, too, because I fear he will back out of our good relationship because of the pressure from all sides.
I am doing my best not to pressure him but we had an issue where I got upset and maybe he saw her in me, but I would not do the kinds of things she did to him.
I was genuinely upset about a personal issue, and I was hurt.
I pray I can earn his trust back again.