Considering Sleeping with this Guy and Not Feeling Guilty About It..

wt the heck..if he's Christian and in love with another girl, why in the world does he want to sleep with you? um...no offense, doesn't it seem like..he doesn't value you very much? I'm sorry if thats not how he rely is, but it seems like it to me. If i were you, I would mosdef get rid of him!

Hey hun, I'm not sure if you're even still following this thread! Hang in there ok? I promise that you will find a good guy someday, there are some left out there Sometimes it seems like monogomy is not all its cracked up to be, but I'll share a little story with ya, I was at a bachelorrette party this weekend, and these girls were sharing sex stories about all the guys they'd slept with and all the things they had done. Now, you know me, and I'm not perfect, I don't have the same beliefs as many people about sex before marriage, but I will tell you that hearing all of these girls stories made me very glad that my fiance is the only person I have ever been with, and me the only person he's ever been with. It really has very little to do with the morality of it, it just seems nice that I can say he's the only person I've slept with. I will encourage you to keep holdin out, as best you can. You're doing great so far, and if you ever need to talk feel free to pm me.

Hey, one more thing...

Reading through your posts it seems that you have a problem with the whole idea of submission. Just to let you know I am in a relationship where nobody is submitting to anyone else, we just make decisions together, I once suggested that my fiance make a decision without me, based on that argument and he laughed at me. He loves my spunky nature and appreciates my input, we make decisions together and he wouldn't want it any other way. There are guys out there who want their women to submit to them, but there are Christian guys out there who have no desire for their wives to submit to them, they are in a partnership and help one another every step of the way. Don't lose hope that you will find a guy like that! If you find a guy who wants you to submit, then obviously your personalities aren't going to match the best, so keep looking! Good luck to you, I'll keep you in my prayers!

i love helping people out, they are always soooo grateful

jesus_freak_for_life said:

yes- he wants to.. last time we were together we almost did but we didn't have a condom..
and yeh.. he's a christian.. he's even on the worship team at church.. and you know what else is messed up? he's in love with another girl..

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Ugh, that is messed up.

It doesn't matter how "good" this guy might appear to others, it's not right for him to have sex with you. It doesn't matter that society says it's "more okay" for him to have sex before marriage than it is for a girl to...what he is doing it wrong in the sight of God.

I know that there are some people who think that being able to freely have sex has liberated women, but just keep in mind who is the one who gets stuck with the consequences of sex...the WOMAN. And of course, it doesn't matter how safe you are...I know of sooo many pregnancies that happened while people were being extremely "safe."

oh wow sweetie... you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't settle for less than you deserve. Sex is meant to be one of the most treasured and special things in life... keep it as that. Save it for someone who's saving it for you too and I HIGHLY encourage you to wait for marriage. Its not wrong or even dumb to want to be wanted and to struggle with this, but make sure that you're mature enough to know what you are really getting into. This guy doesn't seem like he knows 100% of what he really wants. If you decide to "do the deed" with this guy, know that there isn't just the physical stuff to deal with (ie. pregnancy, STD's, etc....), theres a lot of emotional stuff that you'll be faced with and many times, those are hurts that don't heal very fast no matter how much time passes. The fact that he wants to be with someone other than you should be a red flag. Decide in your heart the worth of your virginity and realize that you shouldn't have to compromise what you truly want and desire in a guy and in your "sex life". Sex is so much more than just "a moment to be with that special person", sex becomes a commitment and you shouldn't have to settle for it just because its the only reason he wants to be with you. I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this... guys stink sometimes, but know that you're not alone in this and if you do ever need to talk, you can PM me or any of the other people on this forum.

~Katty~

You'll regret doing this. I was just reading some of your older posts, where you were upset with other posters who were having sex before marriage. Something has happened... you've been depressed. Sex won't make it better. And this guy definitely doesn't sound too good, whether he's a Christian or not...

If he's in love with another girl, why on earth would you want to be with him? And why on earth would he want to be with you? Don't take that wrong. It's just... people who are in love shouldn't go around sleeping with other people.

jesus_freak_for_life said:

i dont want anyone else to be the leader but me. that's just how i am. im independent and dont need anyone else telling me what to do..

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Wether you know it or not, you are letting yourself be led!! You are letting someone tell you what to do!! You are giving in to the one who comes to steal kill and destroy. I will be praying for you. I would suggest that you take a step back and spend some quality time going over the advantages and disadvantages of giving in to the evil one this easy. Keep an open mind. Remember God loves you and has the perfect plan already laid out for you if you just follow Him. Good luck there kiddo and God bless you.
TJ

JFFL,

I can tell you're sensitive, and I am too, especially about issues like this. So you can take my advice or you can get mad at me for telling you the truth (as I see it, anyway). As a beleiver, I would prefer it if you saved yourself sexually, but to be honest, I'm much more worried about your soul than you body. .Through your posts, particularly the ones where you say you don't care about God, the afterlife, etc..., I have a great burdon for your soul and a fear of what is happening to you spiritually.

In your OP and in the majority of your subsequent posts, you've made it clear that you don't care about God anymore. So, by that, I'm assuming that something has happened and now you either want to take control of your life again or you're tired of ignoring your desires and you're ready to indulge in life, to seize the day. I can also tell that you don't want anybody telling you what to do, and that seems to be a large part of the problem.

If you want to be "back on track," you know what you have to do. Seek God, pray, and repent. If you want to feel guilty about it, then you can make yourself feel guilty (usually asking God to make you feel guilty will work).

My pastor talks a lot about submission to God and living victoriously through God. The two are linked. The New Testament is full of verses admonishing believers to deny their lusts and submit to Christ's authority. Christ said that if you love Him you will follow His commandments. Don't submit yourself to a man, but to Christ. That is, if you want to be a Christian and live in victory through Christ.

So, what does living in victory through Christ mean? It means a lot of hard roads ahead. It means daily taking up the cross and crucifying the flesh. It means realizing how unworthy we are of Christ's sacrifice. It means realizing how much Christ loves us and how much He gave up for us and How much our rebellion hurts Him. The Bible is full of stories of people who had to go through hard times before God could use them. The chaff must be divided from the wheat in our own lives, and like gold refined in a furnice, so must we be tried. Paul said to count it all joy when tribulation comes, because it worketh patience and makes us stronger in Christ.

My point? If you care about your salvation, if you care about your soul, and if you love God as much as your screen name & signature indicate, then you can't give up and stop caring. God promises us a sound mind and he promises us wisdom if we will merely ask for it. He's given us the tools to make it through life, all we have to do is accept His leadership and use those tools.

Church alone isn't the answer. The real answer is in your heart. If you turn from God now and have sex with this boy, then what's next? Drugs? What's next? Will you decide to have a baby? Things have a way of snowballing, and the heart has a way of building up walls that are hard to break down. Each act of rebellion adds another layer of bricks to that wall.

You say you don't care about what will happen when it's too late. Well, go turn on the oven to around 350 degrees, stick your arm inside (don't touch anything), and see how long you'd like to live in that climate. You may not believe in hell, but is that a risk you're willing to take? Especially when the stakes are eternity?

Remember, too, what the book of Revelation says, that God will spit a lukewarm believer from his mouth. I don't want to be spit from God's mouth, and I don't think you do either.

Christ compells me to respond by saying what I feel He would say, so here goes:

Jesus loves you and He has a better plan for you. He will provide your needs if you let Him, He will hold your hand when you need it, He will wrap His arms around you when you need it. He is with you now, even as you struggle, and He has been with you every moment of your life. You may not believe He's there, but He is. He cries when you cry, He laughs when you laugh. He knows your heart, He knows your troubles, and He wants you to know that all you need is faith in Him, just a tiny spec, and He can move the mountians of rejection and oppression. You can rebel, but you can't run from His love. No matter what you do, no matter what you've done, He still loves you. He wants you to cleanse yourself in the blood He shed for you. He wants you to know that if He had to die on the cross again for you, He would. That's how much He loves you. That's how much He cares. He wants to shape your hopes, dreams, and future. Nothing you've done and nothing you can ever do will make Him stop loving you. He wants you to merely talk to Him, to follow him as a disciple, and spread His message of love to those around you who are hurting and needing of His love.

Don't give up on Him, even though things are hard. He hung on a cross with nails ripping his flesh apart, his lungs filling with blood and water, his skin burned by the blazing sun and his throat dried with thirst, and He did it just for you. He didn't have to, but He chose to allow it to happen. His was a personal sacrifice, and while He was on the cross, your face was in His mind. He knew you before you were born; He knows you now. Don't let the choices you make today rob you of a happy, victorious future and an eternity with the one man who died needlessly so you could live forever.

Please don't betray that love.

Whew. I thought for sure it'd be all over by the time I finished reading all the posts. But, praise God so far, JFFL you haven't given in yet. And I think it's about time for a guy to post...

Do you know how lustful a guy can be? Do you know easily we can be turned on? I can guarantee you this guy is just doing it because his hormones are getting the best of him. Trust me, I'm a guy I know how it is. I'm a recovering porn addict (somehow by the grace of God, I'm still a virgin!). Guys are easily turned on and the guy is probably just doing it to have sex because he probably gets a high off that. You think you are pleasing him, ooooooh nooo, the feeling is pleasing him. Because, if he is in love with another girl, he's probably not even thinking about you. Heck, if you have sex with him, the worst thing is if you hear him yell out the girl he loves name. Yeah, scary though eh? LOL.... Yeah...my best advice is.... save it for a guy who cares for you...a devoted guy who will NEVER EVER compromise having sex because he cares about you too much! This guy probably doesn't even give a care about God's truth, nevermind you. Otherwise he wouldn't be in this situation. You would just be the victim if you went through with this. So please, don't. lol Yeah, that's all I can say lol. BTW I go to an A/G church too. It's good, but there are some things i'd change about it if I could. The pastor is on fire for God though. Good luck Jesus_freak_for_live! You can do it, with God's help.

Peace out.

EDIT: I just noticed 2 other guys before me posted. Good jorb!

jesus_freak_for_life said:

k, so now i know what i want to do in my heart, the problem is actually doing it. im sooo freaking tempted cause he'll im me, or i'll see him at church, and i just dont think i can handle it.. so please help me..
and thank you for everyone's help thus far and for the help to come.

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Is there someone you can 'buddy up' with at church, someone that you can tell 'I can't give you details right now, but no matter what, make sure you're always with me today at church - don't let me talk to anyone alone' or something to that effect?

As far as the IM, can you send him an email explaining the decision you've come to and ask him to do the right thing and not contact you? I'm not sure if he'll respect your request but maybe getting things out in the open with him will help you?

You're in my thoughts and prayers, JFFL

Thought to ponder!! Will the 5 to 10 min of fleshly enjoyment be worth the everlasting consequences that I may experience? If you focus your mind on what some of those consequences may and probably will be, it will help to keep you on the narrow path we as christains should walk and talk.
I had a 13 year bout with a crack cocain addiction. By the grace of God I was able to overcome that addiction with salvation alone. What has kept me from falling back to that drug is stopping and thinking about what the consequences may be if I smoke again. Oh I get the desire at times but He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world, so I can overcome that desire and YOU can overcome to.
I hope that this may make some sense to you. I pray that you may overcome him that is coming against you. The one that wants to see you freefalling into his pit. You are stonger than that!! Focus of the mind is where to start.
May God bless you,
TJ

Dear Jenn,

I guess that's your name since it's in your sig. (If not, I'm very sorry. ) I just read this whole thread and my heart aches for you, and I am so pleased to see that you've come so far already.

I feel completely compelled to reply to your message because I have been there. My parents are not Christian, and neither is my only sibling, and I've never really had a boyfriend. So I know what it's like to feel horribly lonely... especially when all of your closest friends are in relationships. I'm not going to preach to you. I just want to tell you about the biggest mistakes of my life. And I'm still a virgin.

One day I was feeling so lonely and unlovable, I sought out a guy friend who was willing, and we made out. Afterwards, I felt incredibly cheap and worthless, so bad that I let him do it again a couple weeks later... the rationale being that if I let someone do these things to me enough times, they would lose all meaning, and I wouldn't feel bad about it. That was SO MUCH ****. After the second time, I felt so much worse. I refused to have any contact with him. I was afraid to leave my dorm room at night even to go down the hall, for fear that I would see him again. (It wasn't sex of any kind, but what we did was bad enough that I'd rather not mention it in a public forum.) I felt so gross and disgusting I would take extremely hot showers so the water would hurt my skin. Yet at the same time, I felt these horrible feelings of disappointment... that I'd been unable to keep the only guy who'd ever been attracted to me.

Then another boy came along. He claimed to be a Christian... I look back on that and laugh at myself for believing him, because he is no Christian by any stretch of the imagination.

We were "just friends" for awhile until one day... he invited me up to his room. This first time I participated... not because of liking him in any way, but because I figured, "hey, I'm so ugly and pathetic, this is probably the last time in my life a guy's ever going to treat me like this."

The next day I foolishly went back to him to try to figure out if he had any feelings for me. This time, he pushed me down and started to do the same things again. I tried to push him off of me but he wouldn't move. I had to wait until he was finished, and it was so humiliating! All I can say is, thank God he didn't try to go any further than I had let him before.

Some guys assume that once they get part of you, they have a right to take ALL of you, whenever they want to.

THEY DON'T.

The day after that, I made him come up to my room to, once more, try to find out if he had any feelings for me. (I didn't say I wasn't an idiot, now...) I hoped that he'd recognize that since it was MY room, it was MY turf, and I would make the rules. Yep, once again, I backed down... he pushed me down and did those same things to me, and I still couldn't get him off me, and this time he tried to go further. Only he stopped short, because, by the grace of God, my "friend" was in town, if you know what I mean. So he finally let me up, and I managed to corner him to ask him if he had any feelings for me. He said... he did, but he didn't want to ever start a relationship with me, because I am Orthodox, and he didn't agree with some things we Orthodox believe. It was then that I realized that he'd been using me the whole time for, *ahem*, his own benefit. I slapped him across the face and threw him out of my room.

Months later I was so proud of myself for having grown away from all of that, that I allowed myself to see him once more just to prove to myself I was free from him. STUPID MATRONA NEVER LEARNS! We took a walk outside, and I was forced to keep my hand on his arm because I don't see very well at night. He took advantage of that and tried to throw me into some water sprinklers as a stupid joke (he's stupid like that). I don't know how, considering how much larger he is than me, but I actually managed to overpower him and keep from getting thrown. Later I stupidly went up to his room again. (I just never learn, do I?!) Yes, he got on top of me again, and *tried* to do the things he liked to do before. This time, I threw him off of me. I knew I could do it this time because of what I'd done outside to keep from getting thrown into the sprinklers. And I left. Even though my mind was still saying that if I left him I'd be alone for the rest of my life, I finally realized, if THAT THING is the only boy I could ever marry, I'd MUCH rather die alone!

I haven't spoken to this boy in several months now because I blocked him on my instant messenger, and bless the Lord, I haven't had to confront him. I know what I did was wrong. But what that boy did to me... forcing me down so I couldn't move, I could barely breathe... that was a thousand times worse. I still pay the price for what I did, though. This is the first time I've ever been able to talk about it... anywhere, to anyone.

The point of my painfully long story is that even if you try to set limits with guys like that who are just using you... THEY WILL IGNORE THEM. They will use you and then they will drop you like an old newspaper. I've finally been hurt badly enough to learn my lesson. I know you've done things you regret. So have I--and I tried to heal that pain by making it worse. What I did is only comparable to, say, if got a paper cut on my finger, and I tried to make it feel better by grabbing a hatchet and cutting a different finger off so the paper cut wouldn't seem as bad by comparison.

The worst part of what happened to me is this. This boy apparently became angry with me for not speaking to me. We have some mutual friends. He told my friends that we'd gone all the way, and finished it off with several more lies. It ruined my reputation and made me look like an absolute prostitute. One of our mutual friends is a guy I really like... and I mean LIKE like. But when Jerk Boy told my friend those lies... it sort of cooled off our friendship, and he ended up with a different girl. And the worst thing is, I can't set the record straight about what Jerk Boy did to me and repair my reputation, because I can't bear to admit to my friend what actually happened!

So Jenn, I think it's high time to leave your past behind you. What's done is done. I agree with MsDe, a good idea would be to get a good friend of yours to stay with you whenever you might be around this boy, to help you stay away from him, and therefore the temptation. Just stay away from him. I took a trip 4,000 miles away that helped BIG TIME. I just want you to know that you have a kindred spirit here and I understand what you've been through. There's no doubt about it, there are a lot of people here who care about you, and pray for you. God will give you what you need to fight this, and you're not a weak or bad person for having struggles--everyone has them and not one person has a right to look down on you. You can be the person God made you to be, as long as you fight for it.


Love,

jesus_freak_for_life said:

hmm.. for the record.. girls struggle with it too, and im an example of it.

k, so now i know what i want to do in my heart, the problem is actually doing it. im sooo freaking tempted cause he'll im me, or i'll see him at church, and i just dont think i can handle it.. so please help me..
'
and thank you for everyone's help thus far and for the help to come.

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I agreee with what Ms Dee, said, try and get someone who will hang with you at church. Even better, go to church, arrive just on time, and then leave straight after the service. I know this seems like the cowards way, but if you don't have the strength to face him without giving in, that is what you need to do.

Is there someone you could pray with about this situation, even an adult who you trust to give you moral support, and help you stand up to this guy.

I also agree with sending an e-mail or letter. You need to make your decision clear. If you can't do that face to face, let him know by letter or e-mail.

jesus_freak_for_life said:

hmm.. for the record.. girls struggle with it too, and im an example of it.

k, so now i know what i want to do in my heart, the problem is actually doing it. im sooo freaking tempted cause he'll im me, or i'll see him at church, and i just dont think i can handle it.. so please help me..
'
and thank you for everyone's help thus far and for the help to come.

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Sit down with some paper or with your word processor and write out what you want to say to him. Then, say it. If you don't think you can say it to him face to face without being tempted, then take advantage of that instant messanger and say it to him there.

If you need some ideas, you can bring up that you aren't comfortable with it, that Jesus spoke against fornication, that desires of the flesh are a strong temptation that you need to avoid, that you want to save yourself for the man who will love you and marry you for life, etc. I'm sure the many posters here can give you even more ideas if you ask for some.

Once you say it, stick to it. If he says or does anything to tempt you once you have had your say, then you basically have two main choices: 1. Get some back up - go share with a pastor or youth leader or somebody who can back you up and really help the both of you because he needs help, too 2. Don't go back to that church and ignore him on im. Do not let him tempt you. If you don't feel that you are strong enough to deny the temptation then you have to find somebody to help you who is and has some authority, or you have to separate yourself entirely from the temptation.

Still praying for you!

jesus_freak_for_life said:

bleh.. i sent him an email.. he hasn't read it yet.. oh my goodness..

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Good job! Now that you've said it, stick to it! You can do it!

jesus_freak_for_life said:

bleh.. i sent him an email.. he hasn't read it yet.. oh my goodness..

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That's great. Stick to it.