Confused about my marriage status

[LemonBlossom]

Hello all.

I am really confused about my marriage status. This seems silly but I am reading scripture and finding myself concerned.

I do appreciate encouragement and guidance however, I do ask that it be based upon scripture with verses if possible.

I had a sexual relationship with a man when I was younger and in my heart I was devoted to him. I wanted to marry him. There were talks of it and I cannot remember if he said he wanted to or if we called each other husband and wife or what.

I fear a covenant was made that God recognized as a marriage. I turned from him and the relationship as nothing came of it in the sense of no marriage license or ceremony, and I turned from sexual sin. Years later I married a man and I love him so much I do not want to be putting myself or him in sin if I am technically an adulterer.

 

[Sabertooth]

What became of the first man? Did you live together (as a common-law marriage)?
Were you Saved at the time?

 

[LemonBlossom]

Thank you for replying.

I thought I was saved but I was living in sin. I visited him and was hoping to not return home so I could marry him. We were long distance and did not live together in the sense of setting up a home.

I am ashamed of how stupid I was. I was very young.

I realized that salvation was more than confessing and I turned from sins seriously desiring to walk after the Lord.

This man tried many times to contact me and each time I was left feeling hurt and confused and sickened by his ungodly choices. I ignored him after a time and a man at my church asked me to marry him knowing full well my past and I married him. This man I married is my love and I would crumble to bits if I had to leave him but not if it would remove both of us from sin against God.

 

[Sabertooth]

...a man at my church asked me to marry him knowing full well my past and I married him.

It is good that he has full disclosure.

...at my church...

Rather than ask anonymous strangers to weigh in on your marital status, it would be in your best interest to seek pastoral counseling, preferably with a lady elder.

 

[LemonBlossom]

Thank you. This advice was sought out and what I was advised is still not sitting right with me.

 

[Sabertooth]

This advice was sought out and what I was advised is still not sitting right with me.

Do you know your counselor well, and trust them?

 

[LemonBlossom]

We moved recently, and we are going through counseling. We have gotten to know them, they are a married couple, but we haven't known them very long. I have a hard time opening up with a man in the room I can face.

 

[Sabertooth]

I have a hard time opening up with a man in the room I can face.

By "man," do you mean the husband-counselor, or the man from years ago?

Do you mind me asking what country you are in?

 

[LemonBlossom]

The husband counselor. I also have been through this with my husband and he is understandably frustrated. He does not hold my past against me but admits he does not know enough in depth scripture to be of help. I desire to go through the scriptures more than a quick face-value and my husband admits he does not know enough yet. IN the mean time I am stressed about being in our home together, fearing his and my temptations and living in sin.

 

[Sabertooth]

Do you mind me asking what kind of church, and what they are advising?

 

[LemonBlossom]

I'm not sure if they are baptist but they are not claiming any denomination. The bible and scripture is utmost important. Their advice is that marriage is a covenant but what a covenant is is still unclear to me.

 

[LemonBlossom]

I suppose more unclear as to what my past was. I wish I had never done anything.

 

[Sabertooth]

Are you in the USA?

 

[LemonBlossom]

I'm not sure if they are baptist but they are not claiming any denomination. The bible and scripture is utmost important. Their advice is that marriage is a covenant but what a covenant is is still unclear to me.

The reason I say I'm not sure if they are baptist because I think some mentions of baptist colleges and bible teachers are lauded there.

 

[Sabertooth]

I am curious why they thought the first man was a marriage, instead of just fornication.

 

[LemonBlossom]

Yes.

 

[LemonBlossom]

Sorry, opening up is not something I do often and so I can be confusing.

They say my marriage now is a real marriage and that my past is not because we made a covenant and vows publicly and signed the paper work and such.

My fear is that myself and the man from my past may have had true intentions and promised each other or considered each other married. Is that a vow God considers marriage and binding?

Much of that situation was painful and I blocked a lot out but I do have some vague remembrances that cause me to be concerned. Likewise in my heart I think I committed to him to be my husband.

 

[Carl Emerson]

Sounds like in the first relationship you committed fornication and I assume you have repented of it.
Sounds like your former relationship did not constitute a marriage.
Now that you are married it is a completely fresh start.
Careful who you get as a counsellor...

 

[Sabertooth]

Careful who you get as a counsellor...

(She was saying that her counselors affirm that position; that she is starting to question it...)

They say my marriage now is a real marriage and that my past is not because we made a covenant and vows publicly and signed the paper work and such.

Likewise in my heart I think I committed to him [the first man] to be my husband.

She is having second thoughts about the first relationship, against counsel.

 

[JohnDB]

The husband counselor. I also have been through this with my husband and he is understandably frustrated. He does not hold my past against me but admits he does not know enough in depth scripture to be of help. I desire to go through the scriptures more than a quick face-value and my husband admits he does not know enough yet. IN the mean time I am stressed about being in our home together, fearing his and my temptations and living in sin.

Past sins are forgiven and forgotten completely by God...

You are the one who won't forgive yourself.

Your husband has committed no sin. You aren't forcing him into one by being married to you. You are sinning more by your lack of forgiveness of yourself and staying away from your husband.
You committed adultery before you were married...not after. We call it fornication but in truth it's still adultery.
Your husband has been more than reasonable and is frustrated by your attitude and behavior and is completely justified in that. You owe him an apology.