Let me start with that I greatly respect my FFIL. He has led his family in a godly manner that produced the man that is my fiance. I enjoy spending time with him, and he makes me laugh. I mean absolutely no disrespect to him at all with this post. If you do not want to read my long rant (sorry) my question is in bold at the bottom.
The situation at hand that I am struggling with takes a lot of context. My FFIL is the youngest child from an immigrant family from Cuba- one of the last that came here legally before the borders were shut down. He has seen things that he will not talk about, but fiance has let me know that he witnessed his older sisters raped at a young age in their own yard and that he watched a man die by being dragged around by a horse in the center of town. I, as a person who was raised in the family and country that I was, cannot even begin to fathom what that must have done to him. Because of this, he has developed OCD, and my fiance believes he suffered from PTSD (if not still does). My FFIL is extremely protective of his family, especially the women of his family. He has very interesting attributes though... Like not wanting his wife to drive after dark. He has expressed that he does not want me doing so either, and has had a hard time coping with the fact that I moved out of my parents' home. I do not live alone though; I rent a room from their old pastor. He just believes that my father should be protecting me.
I know that he and his wife (my FMIL who I adore) are still struggling another situation. Their daughter, who is almost ten years older than my fiance, got married to a wealthy man about a decade ago. I have no problem with someone who is more well off- it is a person's behavior that bothers me. They moved out of state to be closer to his family (who openly talk about how much everyone makes), and have very much warped her view on her parents. It started out with simple things, like turning her nose down because of how much her father makes. It evolved to her badmouthing her mother because she did not receive a "real education" (meaning she did not go to an elite private school like her husband) by being homeschooled. Now I can attest that as a straight A college student myself (who was also homeschooled), my fiance and his parents talk rings around my head sometimes. If there is one thing that they all are, it is well educated. In EVERYTHING. Science, space, geography, history of pretty much the entire world, math, you name it. My fiance is all a tech whizz like his dad, and they are all artists. That takes dedication and a high educational status. However, because her education was not attached to some high ranking school like her in-laws preferred, she became angry and lashed out. This caused her to gain praise from her FIL, which I suppose she wanted greatly. After that incident, she continued making dramatic scenes, and even went as far as to accuse her father of shoving her down a flight of stairs in their home in Miami. Which could not possibly be true because... Whoop-dee-doo, their never even had stairs. It was a two bedroom home in Coral Gables. This sudden new revelation caused her husband and FIL to tell her to keep away from her family, and so she has. The ironic thing is that she used to be a daddy's girl.
All of this culmination has caused a lot of problems with my fiance and I. There were problems early on in our relationship- I attended a strict Apostolic church with my mother and my siblings, while his family was Presbyterian. I had it in my mind that would be able to "convert" him, so although we got along in everything else and were the best of friends, that was a particular sore spot. Additionally, my FFIL was a contractor that traveled the country, so my boyfriend at the time took care of his mother while he ran his own business. I only saw my FFIL on rare occasions, and he was very gruff, always running around, trying to get things while he was home. My first impression of him was not great, and as my relationship with my fiance began to falter, my FFIL did not take a liking to me. I was opinionated, although respectful most of the time, and I did not take kindly to how he treated me. He forbid me to drive the 75 minute drive to their home alone, and I had to leave in time for me to be back to my parents' before it was sundown. I had to always wear shoes that did not expose the toe, a rule that I always broke. Now, I have a condition that makes my feet sweat in extraordinary amounts even in sandals; additionally, if my skin gets wet, I break out in rashes. It is not pleasant in the least bit, and I was not about to but my own health in detriment because he was scared I was going to stub my toe and hurt myself. On one occasion, he tried to fit me into his wife's shoes. I am a size 7 1/2... she is a 6. He offended my father because my father felt like he was ridiculing his own parenting, and a line finally snapped when my FFIL called my parents' home to tell my brother to bury a hole that one of the dogs had dug (I had made a joke about during my last visit). When our parents went out to dinner, he was offended because my mother spoke about situations instead of my father, which in turn offended my parents because my mother talks more than my dad, but she said everything that they had agreed on.
It didn't seem like it would work between us. Religious differences, our parents did not like each other, I did not like his dad, and he was afraid of my mom. After some deep searching, time, and Bible studies that we both approached with open minds, we reconciled our religious differences. Shortly afterwards, he got a job 1,000 miles away alongside his father, and they all moved away. My fiance stayed with his parents while they all got settled, for multiple reasons. One was to save money, but more importantly it was so that he could spend some time with his dad. At the same time, he and I Skyped every day. We have not missed a single day, and make sure that we are very involved in each other's lives despite the distance. And it has worked; I feel like he is here because we spend more time together than when he was here. Evenings are wonderful, and we have developed completely open communication with one another. He is my closest, dearest, and most amazing friend who has helped and guided me to have a better relationship with Christ. I could not ask for anything better. My fiance has his own place now as well.
My parents have relaxed since I moved out. Additionally, my mother began working, which means that the financial stress that they were going through has decreased, and they are much happier and pretty much stress free. They adore my fiance, and even get along with his parents (on the rare phone call/Skype visit with me being there). My FFIL and FMIL even came down for a visit (my fiance couldn't get the time off), and we had an excellent visit (even with my father who later told my mother that my FFIL and he had a lot more in common than he thought and that he was a lot more relaxed).
My FFIL has relaxed tremendously since he has been able to spend time with my FMIL. I visited them for a week (and that was when we got engaged), and stayed in their home. I did not have ANY problems with my FFIL! We sat and laughed and enjoyed ourselves, and I know it is going to be like that in the future.
Here's my problem though. As the wedding begins to draw closer, my FFIL has become a little... I guess mean would be the right word. To my fiance at least. This has been a recurring issue, and one that my fiance has repeatedly spoken to him about, and even argued. What is comes down to is that my FFIL feels threatened, like he's losing his last child and only son like he lost his daughter. I have been trying not to take it personally, but it is very difficult. We have not had any bad situations or harsh words in ages, we get along very well, and I share most of their theological views. My parents support our marriage, and I am leaving them. We will be living 15 minutes away from my in-laws, so I don't know how I am fully taking him away from them. It has become a fight for his attention, a competition. It should NOT be like this. There should not be a winner and loser, we are all family and we should act like it. My fiance has had to try and explain that he cannot spend every evening with them because he is spending time with me, and that it does not mean that he does not love them, but that according to Scripture he is supposed to leave them and cleave unto his wife. He has tried to tell them to realized that I am going through an emotional ringer here, as well as my mother. I am leaving the people that I have always been closest with to join him , a person I have only known for 4 and 1/2 years. That I have no friends, no blood family, and that the only people I know are them. That both he and I love them both very dearly, but that my FFIL has to realize that I am to be his wife, and with that comes a specific lifestyle and choices. That it doesn't mean he loves anybody more than anybody else- he just loves them differently. He loves him as his father, he loves me as his wife and that does merit far more affection. That I am not taking him away from them, but that I am being added to their family.
My fiance believes that time will makes it better, and I do fully agree with him. However, how do I deal with the drama? I am having enough going on with my wedding as it is. This includes, but is not limited to, a very close friend of mine throwing a tantrum and becoming angry because I asked her to a bridesmaid (I am marrying a heathen because he is not UPC). When I find a different bridesmaid to replace her, she becomes angry again. This is what I am dealing with 2 months before the wedding. I need support from all my family, my parents and in-laws. It has been almost 4 months since I've even seen my fiance, which has caused many other emotional problems. I have prayed for patience and peace, and tried to give it over to God, but every time I feel at ease, something else comes up and my FFIL is upset again. What do I do? Thank you!!!
The situation at hand that I am struggling with takes a lot of context. My FFIL is the youngest child from an immigrant family from Cuba- one of the last that came here legally before the borders were shut down. He has seen things that he will not talk about, but fiance has let me know that he witnessed his older sisters raped at a young age in their own yard and that he watched a man die by being dragged around by a horse in the center of town. I, as a person who was raised in the family and country that I was, cannot even begin to fathom what that must have done to him. Because of this, he has developed OCD, and my fiance believes he suffered from PTSD (if not still does). My FFIL is extremely protective of his family, especially the women of his family. He has very interesting attributes though... Like not wanting his wife to drive after dark. He has expressed that he does not want me doing so either, and has had a hard time coping with the fact that I moved out of my parents' home. I do not live alone though; I rent a room from their old pastor. He just believes that my father should be protecting me.
I know that he and his wife (my FMIL who I adore) are still struggling another situation. Their daughter, who is almost ten years older than my fiance, got married to a wealthy man about a decade ago. I have no problem with someone who is more well off- it is a person's behavior that bothers me. They moved out of state to be closer to his family (who openly talk about how much everyone makes), and have very much warped her view on her parents. It started out with simple things, like turning her nose down because of how much her father makes. It evolved to her badmouthing her mother because she did not receive a "real education" (meaning she did not go to an elite private school like her husband) by being homeschooled. Now I can attest that as a straight A college student myself (who was also homeschooled), my fiance and his parents talk rings around my head sometimes. If there is one thing that they all are, it is well educated. In EVERYTHING. Science, space, geography, history of pretty much the entire world, math, you name it. My fiance is all a tech whizz like his dad, and they are all artists. That takes dedication and a high educational status. However, because her education was not attached to some high ranking school like her in-laws preferred, she became angry and lashed out. This caused her to gain praise from her FIL, which I suppose she wanted greatly. After that incident, she continued making dramatic scenes, and even went as far as to accuse her father of shoving her down a flight of stairs in their home in Miami. Which could not possibly be true because... Whoop-dee-doo, their never even had stairs. It was a two bedroom home in Coral Gables. This sudden new revelation caused her husband and FIL to tell her to keep away from her family, and so she has. The ironic thing is that she used to be a daddy's girl.
All of this culmination has caused a lot of problems with my fiance and I. There were problems early on in our relationship- I attended a strict Apostolic church with my mother and my siblings, while his family was Presbyterian. I had it in my mind that would be able to "convert" him, so although we got along in everything else and were the best of friends, that was a particular sore spot. Additionally, my FFIL was a contractor that traveled the country, so my boyfriend at the time took care of his mother while he ran his own business. I only saw my FFIL on rare occasions, and he was very gruff, always running around, trying to get things while he was home. My first impression of him was not great, and as my relationship with my fiance began to falter, my FFIL did not take a liking to me. I was opinionated, although respectful most of the time, and I did not take kindly to how he treated me. He forbid me to drive the 75 minute drive to their home alone, and I had to leave in time for me to be back to my parents' before it was sundown. I had to always wear shoes that did not expose the toe, a rule that I always broke. Now, I have a condition that makes my feet sweat in extraordinary amounts even in sandals; additionally, if my skin gets wet, I break out in rashes. It is not pleasant in the least bit, and I was not about to but my own health in detriment because he was scared I was going to stub my toe and hurt myself. On one occasion, he tried to fit me into his wife's shoes. I am a size 7 1/2... she is a 6. He offended my father because my father felt like he was ridiculing his own parenting, and a line finally snapped when my FFIL called my parents' home to tell my brother to bury a hole that one of the dogs had dug (I had made a joke about during my last visit). When our parents went out to dinner, he was offended because my mother spoke about situations instead of my father, which in turn offended my parents because my mother talks more than my dad, but she said everything that they had agreed on.
It didn't seem like it would work between us. Religious differences, our parents did not like each other, I did not like his dad, and he was afraid of my mom. After some deep searching, time, and Bible studies that we both approached with open minds, we reconciled our religious differences. Shortly afterwards, he got a job 1,000 miles away alongside his father, and they all moved away. My fiance stayed with his parents while they all got settled, for multiple reasons. One was to save money, but more importantly it was so that he could spend some time with his dad. At the same time, he and I Skyped every day. We have not missed a single day, and make sure that we are very involved in each other's lives despite the distance. And it has worked; I feel like he is here because we spend more time together than when he was here. Evenings are wonderful, and we have developed completely open communication with one another. He is my closest, dearest, and most amazing friend who has helped and guided me to have a better relationship with Christ. I could not ask for anything better. My fiance has his own place now as well.
My parents have relaxed since I moved out. Additionally, my mother began working, which means that the financial stress that they were going through has decreased, and they are much happier and pretty much stress free. They adore my fiance, and even get along with his parents (on the rare phone call/Skype visit with me being there). My FFIL and FMIL even came down for a visit (my fiance couldn't get the time off), and we had an excellent visit (even with my father who later told my mother that my FFIL and he had a lot more in common than he thought and that he was a lot more relaxed).
My FFIL has relaxed tremendously since he has been able to spend time with my FMIL. I visited them for a week (and that was when we got engaged), and stayed in their home. I did not have ANY problems with my FFIL! We sat and laughed and enjoyed ourselves, and I know it is going to be like that in the future.
Here's my problem though. As the wedding begins to draw closer, my FFIL has become a little... I guess mean would be the right word. To my fiance at least. This has been a recurring issue, and one that my fiance has repeatedly spoken to him about, and even argued. What is comes down to is that my FFIL feels threatened, like he's losing his last child and only son like he lost his daughter. I have been trying not to take it personally, but it is very difficult. We have not had any bad situations or harsh words in ages, we get along very well, and I share most of their theological views. My parents support our marriage, and I am leaving them. We will be living 15 minutes away from my in-laws, so I don't know how I am fully taking him away from them. It has become a fight for his attention, a competition. It should NOT be like this. There should not be a winner and loser, we are all family and we should act like it. My fiance has had to try and explain that he cannot spend every evening with them because he is spending time with me, and that it does not mean that he does not love them, but that according to Scripture he is supposed to leave them and cleave unto his wife. He has tried to tell them to realized that I am going through an emotional ringer here, as well as my mother. I am leaving the people that I have always been closest with to join him , a person I have only known for 4 and 1/2 years. That I have no friends, no blood family, and that the only people I know are them. That both he and I love them both very dearly, but that my FFIL has to realize that I am to be his wife, and with that comes a specific lifestyle and choices. That it doesn't mean he loves anybody more than anybody else- he just loves them differently. He loves him as his father, he loves me as his wife and that does merit far more affection. That I am not taking him away from them, but that I am being added to their family.
My fiance believes that time will makes it better, and I do fully agree with him. However, how do I deal with the drama? I am having enough going on with my wedding as it is. This includes, but is not limited to, a very close friend of mine throwing a tantrum and becoming angry because I asked her to a bridesmaid (I am marrying a heathen because he is not UPC). When I find a different bridesmaid to replace her, she becomes angry again. This is what I am dealing with 2 months before the wedding. I need support from all my family, my parents and in-laws. It has been almost 4 months since I've even seen my fiance, which has caused many other emotional problems. I have prayed for patience and peace, and tried to give it over to God, but every time I feel at ease, something else comes up and my FFIL is upset again. What do I do? Thank you!!!
