Compulsive Lying to Wife

[T David Besso]

Hello All,

I am a newcomer to the teachings of the Bible, but over the past few months have felt compelled to begin a journey. I have begun to attend a Baptist church 3 out of 4 weeks with my family. Prior to this I felt a calling and started to watch online videos with a spiritual positive message, like Joel Osteen weekly.

I have been in a marriage for 13 years with a woman I can not even begin to describe how much joy she brings into my life. I feel the luckiest man for having her in my life, in all honesty I feel I don't deserve her. I also have an 8 year old daughter who is incredible.

My problem is that I have caused great pain in my marriage over the past 8 years. I have lied to my spouse about really small things, i.e. a new dress shirt or tie I may have purchased all the way up to more major issues where I know I have screwed up and am hoping to just make it blow over.

A couple of years after we were married, I felt alone and bored. I joined a free online dating site, and chatted with a couple of people. No plans were ever made to meet, nor did I ever meet anyone. Looking back I feel I was looking for the "thrill" of someone being interested in me, and that was the majority of the feeling/rush. It wasn't anything more then that. My wife found out and we were able to patch it over.

A couple of years after that, I had an opportunity to purchase a cell phone. I purchased it, but for reasons I truly don't remember specifically, was not able to tell my wife I had purchased one. Very shortly after she discovered it on her own. At the time I was studying for financial planning exams at a local coffee place and a female barista who I saw 3-4 times a week when I was studying and chatted with while I ordered coffee put her phone number in my phone. Again nothing happened, and looking back I understand it was wrong, but more thinking that it was nice that someone wanted to keep in touch with me.

I want to stop this habit of lying to save face, or lying because I'm afraid the truth will show I am not worthy in some way of the family I have and I love so much.

Is anyone aware of support/teachings that might help me dig deeper? I know I have sinned, have put up my hand and acknowledged it, and am asking for forgiveness from my wife, and God and Jesus to put me in a better direction. I've hit rock bottom and looking to climb out a new man.

Thank you

 

[anna ~ grace]

Get into the habit, as a married man, of not giving out your phone number, chatting up nice women you meet in public, or engaging in the kind of behaviors that you might engage in if you were looking to date someone. Because to me, that kind of sounds like what you are getting into, however unintentionally.

Keep your heart focused on your wife. Do fun things together; go on dates, go on walks, hang out together, get into reading Scripture and praying together, too. Your marriage will be stronger, your emotional bond will be stronger, and your desire to seek and get attention from other women will lessen.

Pray about this problem, too. It takes very, very little to go from friendliness to flirting, to seeking a person out, to dating them behind your wife's back. You're not single anymore, my friend. Avoid the kinds of behaviors and habits, with the help of the Holy Spirit, that you might feel the need to lie to your wife about later.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Hello and welcome to CF! We are so glad you've joined us!

Lying (even when it isn't "necessary" or beneficial) can become a habit, as you've seen.

So can truth-telling. If it were me, I might start by confessing (assuming it won't damage your marriage) both your tendency to lie, and anything you haven't yet owned up to - even unimportant ones. Then commit to never lying to her (or anyone else) again. Pray and ask God's help. And if you unintentionally (or intentionally) slip and tell any lie (which you may be very likely to do) immediately confess it to the person you lied to, and to God, seek forgiveness, realize you need God's grace, and go on. Repeat as often as necessary. It tends to be painful or difficult at first, but it should become easier, and in time you should see your habit change. Only don't be surprised if it should resurface - it might, as long as you live. The same suggestions apply until we are safe in God's presence.

God be with you!