Complicated relationship advice

[Alexsalimander]

So here's the scoop. I've known this girl for several years now, we've worked together, played together, really hit it off. This last summer we worked at a bible camp together, and the last day of working together I asked her if she wanted to maintain the charade (we hadn't spoken to each other about liking each other or anything, and were kinda pretending we didn't have any feelings for each other) she said no, I said I liked her a whole lot, she said she liked me, we changed the subject, end of story. However, when her dad found out, he got super mad, and nearly cut me out of their families life. Anyway, there was some reconciliation, but I still haven't talked with her or seen her except once for 5 months. But I really do love her, and I want the best for her, and I don't want to lose her to someone else. Now, the problem is, I'm building my business right now, so far I'm only at about the $12,000 a year mark, so not enough to support a wife, and so I really have zero chips to come to the table with. We've talked a lot and I really want to make something of this, but don't know what to do next. I've considered some options, like maybe secretly courting if her Dad still won't let me see her after I've got my business up and running, possibly eloping or getting secretly married some time in the future, etc. But she's the most amazing woman I've ever met, and I don't want to have all this come apart at the seams just because I told her I liked her. So any and all advice would be appreciated. She's 18 and I'm 22, if that helps at all.

 

[mkgal1]

Hi Alex....welcome to the forums. Didn't you say that she said, "no" to your suggestion that you two "maintain the charade"? I'm not quite understanding the relationship. From what you've posted - it seems as if you've not had much contact with her (once in 5 months). Are you sure the feelings are mutual?

 

[Alexsalimander]

Yes, absolutely sure. She didn't want to continue the charade of being merely friends. She told me she liked me a lot, and that it was very good to hear it from me that I liked her. And the conversation I had with her just recently confirmed that. We had very, very frequent contact right up to the day her Dad got all upset. Like, daily, most days, through a small online chat with a few other close friends. So yes, the feelings are very mutual.

 

[Alexsalimander]

I guess that information would have been pertinent, eh?

 

[Lady Donna Marie]

.

 

[Alexsalimander]

Well, that's part of what makes it hard.... her Dad believes that a woman shouldn't have a job outside of the home, and shouldn't leave home until marriage. So she's not going to college, not moving out... it's very frustrating, and rather backwards view... the woman in proverbs 31 had offshore business intrests, for Pete's sake....

 

[SkyWriting]

So here's the scoop. I've known this girl for several years now, we've worked together, played together, really hit it off. This last summer we worked at a bible camp together, and the last day of working together I asked her if she wanted to maintain the charade (we hadn't spoken to each other about liking each other or anything, and were kinda pretending we didn't have any feelings for each other) she said no, I said I liked her a whole lot, she said she liked me, we changed the subject, end of story. However, when her dad found out, he got super mad, and nearly cut me out of their families life. Anyway, there was some reconciliation, but I still haven't talked with her or seen her except once for 5 months. But I really do love her, and I want the best for her, and I don't want to lose her to someone else. Now, the problem is, I'm building my business right now, so far I'm only at about the $12,000 a year mark, so not enough to support a wife, and so I really have zero chips to come to the table with. We've talked a lot and I really want to make something of this, but don't know what to do next. I've considered some options, like maybe secretly courting if her Dad still won't let me see her after I've got my business up and running, possibly eloping or getting secretly married some time in the future, etc. But she's the most amazing woman I've ever met, and I don't want to have all this come apart at the seams just because I told her I liked her. So any and all advice would be appreciated. She's 18 and I'm 22, if that helps at all.

You have about 10 years to learn about yourself first. Lets make this marriage a solid one not based on hormones......which are completely in charge at your age.

Lets learn more about self control for a few years. She has a great smile and a big pair of Doey eyes I'll bet.

 

[maintenance man]

However, when her dad found out, he got super mad, and nearly cut me out of their families life.

What is her father's objection? Why are you not allowed to date?

 

[Alexsalimander]

I don't know. He's super conservative, and I (now) know he definitely thinks that a young man should talk to her father before two young peole start dating, but we weren't. We just acknowledged that we liked each other. I think part of the reason we still aren't allowed is because my salary isn't very good yet... but even that I'm not sure, he didn't give me any specific reasons, even though he says he likes me and has nothing against me.

What is her father's objection? Why are you not allowed to date?

 

[Alexsalimander]

Lets learn more about self control for a few years. She has a great smile and a big pair of Doey eyes I'll bet.

Best advice so far, but for the record, I was planning on waiting until I was making 18,000 a year at least before doing anything anyway...

Yeah, she does, but more inportantly, she loves God, knows her Bible inside and out, is absolutely amazing with kids, is active in ministry, we agree on all the important theological stuff, we both love doing the same kind of things, etc., so It's not *all* hormones...

 

[Alexsalimander]

And I do really appreciate the advice, and will definitely take it to heart.

 

[SkyWriting]

Best advice so far, but for the record, I was planning on waiting until I was making 18,000 a year at least before doing anything anyway...

Yeah, she does, but more inportantly, she loves God, knows her Bible inside and out, is absolutely amazing with kids, is active in ministry, we agree on all the important theological stuff, we both love doing the same kind of things, etc., so It's not *all* hormones...

In case you've not heard this from dozens of people yet
I'll save you the earful...."We got married too young!"
You'll hear that from various people for the rest of your life.

 

[Greengardener]

Sounds like you'll need to go through her father, Alexsalimander. And, since he's loved her much longer than you have, that's a good thing. He wants her to have security in ALL areas, so as you prove your life as a stable individual, someone who walks steadfastly in the solidness of the good news of Jesus Christ, someone who works hard and makes a decent living doing the right thing, keep in touch with this strong father. Hopefully one day you'll be in his position remembering what it was like and be just as demanding for any young man desiring to court your daughter. Part of it might just be your ages. Yes, most of us married too young and without having a strong basis. It takes a lot of time to get to know each other but if you do, it can save you and the next generation from a lot of hardship. Having the support of both your families is also really stabilizing. I hope the best for you.

 

[Paidiske]

It sounds to me as if the young lady is in a very unhealthy, controlling home environment; but until she decides to leave, you're probably going to have to work with that reality.

 

[anna ~ grace]

In case you've not heard this from dozens of people yet
I'll save you the earful...."We got married too young!"
You'll hear that from various people for the rest of your life.

While I don't think that marrying too young is as big of a deal as some make it out to be, you do raise a good point that many young people rush into marriage with a lot of emotions, but little idea of how tough a marriage, especially a valid, first Christian marriage can be, and will be.

It's tough living with someone. It's tough submitting to one another. It's tough to be the man, it's tough to be the woman. Guys, you have to lead. Women, you have to allow him to lead, barring actual sin. Respecting and loving one another in a Christian manner within this is tough. Especially with society telling us a lot of backwards, secular, egalitarian stuff. It's tough. Satan will attack. He will.

So, be aware of this. You're potentially getting married to a beautiful, sweet, loving young Christian woman. You're also entering a battle field. Will you still love her if she turns out to be a jerk? Stops going to church? Feels lost spiritually? Gets massively lazy around the house? Marriage is tough.

Back to your actual problem; you will probably have to go through her dad. Let him get to know you. Make sure you can care for a wife and future kids financially. If God has really set this woman up for you to be your wife, it will work out.

 

[pdudgeon]

Best advice so far, but for the record, I was planning on waiting until I was making 18,000 a year at least before doing anything anyway...

Yeah, she does, but more inportantly, she loves God, knows her Bible inside and out, is absolutely amazing with kids, is active in ministry, we agree on all the important theological stuff, we both love doing the same kind of things, etc., so It's not *all* hormones...

Have you talked to her yet about your future?

You still have a few years yet to get your business producing a livable income, and while you're doing that, she could go to college online if her father would let her.
From what you've said above, it sounds like her family might be either Mennonite or Amish or Quaker. Is that a possibility?

But whatever, at some point you are going to have to talk to her father about all of this, and see if there is a possibility of you're marrying into their family.

 

[maintenance man]

I think part of the reason we still aren't allowed is because my salary isn't very good yet... but even that I'm not sure, he didn't give me any specific reasons, even though he says he likes me and has nothing against me.

There's a lot of talk about marriage in this thread and I don't think that should even be considered at this point since you don't even have a relationship yet.

You need to find out what the father's objections are and move in his direction.

What is your business? Does he approve of your business? Is there a real future in your business goals?

Those would be my concerns.

Demonstrate the true potential of your business to her father or if needed find another more realistic path toward building a substantial future income.

Can you visit this girl at her house? That might be a good first step.
Can you attend church with this girl? That might be another good first step.

 

[Alexsalimander]

From what you've said above, it sounds like her family might be either Mennonite or Amish or Quaker. Is that a possibility?

No, nothing that extreme. FIB, kinda middle spectrum conservative for FIBs.

So, be aware of this. You're potentially getting married to a beautiful, sweet, loving young Christian woman. You're also entering a battle field. Will you still love her if she turns out to be a jerk? Stops going to church? Feels lost spiritually? Gets massively lazy around the house? Marriage is tough.

I know it's a battleground, thats a good part of what attracts me to her: she's such a good Christian Girl. Would I love her through all of that, and worse? I'm obviously not a prophet, but with God's help, yes.

 

[Alexsalimander]

What is your business? Does he approve of your business? Is there a real future in your business goals?

I'm a farrier, and there's huge potential for future goals. More work up here than anybody knows what to do with, it just takes a little time to edge into the market.

Can you visit this girl at her house? That might be a good first step.
Can you attend church with this girl? That might be another good first step.

Unfortunately, not very realisticly. It mostly boils down to chance encounters, which is none to pleasant. In the circles I'm in either one of those would be taken as clear intentions to court/date, and I don't think her father would like that so much. Her father has not told me or her not to talk to each other, he's just made it really hard for us to do so.

 

[Alexsalimander]

Have you talked to her yet about your future?

Only a little. About my business, where it's at, how far I think it still needs to come.