i dont know if what i am doing is right, but i need some help, cuz i am lost in life and need help or insight as to why things have had to always be so bad with me. i am 23 years of age and livein el paos texas. i was once a christian, i was saved when i was 18, but i backslid when i was 21. my whole life i felt like iw asnt wanted. my dad made it very apprent i was a waste of his time and enegry. ever since i was 5 i had wanted a wife, a companion who would follow me in my life. that want caused me great heartache and pain, as well as dissapointment and dissillusionment. i spent my teenage years looking for someone to marry, and when i was 16 i began to attempt suicide, fomr the feelings of worthlessness and dispair. i spent almost two whole years trying to kill myself, i should be dead. it wasnt until after a major attempt at suicide that had me hospitalized that i decided to listen to a christian classmate in my public high school. i went to the door christian center on yarbourgh in el paso texas, and three days later i put my defenses downa dn decided to give my life to jesus. i though i did the right thing, i thought i gave myself to someone who loved me. as of right now, i feel i made a major mistake and am worse off than i was before. during my time as a christian, i prayed and served God the best i could, but i was always hindered by the feeling of rejection coming from both some real jerks who no longer go to the church (they also backslid) and by God. i always wanted to know hwile i was saved what i was doing here, and what God had planned for me. i began going through some trials and tribulations only one week after i was saved. jeez, right away i began to feel i made a mistake. i have some serious anger problems, although i dont lash out and beat anyone around me to a bloody pulp, i do have a hatred problem. i hate everything. EVERYTHING. i have a lot of pent up anger inside that is dying ot get out and be unleashed on someone. i hated jocks in my school, cuz they were obviously better than me, they had money, good looks, and cars. i am a 6'5" goofy looking 240 pound man with pimples. wonderful huh? in church i saw many miracles and blessings. i saw marriages saved, people healed, God doing a major work. but one problem. he wasnt doing it with me. i never felt so abandoned like i did in church. while people were getting prophesied and blessed, i was falling deep and deeper depresion, loneliness, and heartbeak. the want for a wife was only intesified (becuase obviously being married is a good thing in Gods eyes and the desire is made by God) and there werent any women of God who liked me, becuase i didnt have a flash car, good looks, muscles and money. instead what i offered was my love. this is not good enough by any means in todays world. i prayed for a wife everynight, then prayed for even bigger things. stuff like a heart not to hate, the ability to be happy, to trust and love God. i dont know how to trust, most people just hurt me when i trust them. i have been cheated on by 3 different women. when i see them now, they are happy, enjoying life and have good things. i wonder why is it that when i do wrong to someone, God comes after me with a rod of correction and usually breaks me badly for it, with the grief lingering for months, while others hurt me and are blessed? and that is when i began to notice something was wrong. i would pray for a word in church, somethig that would let me know God cared. nothing. nada, zip. on the other hand, i had a firend there who constantly was given words, stuff about one day being a pastor and leader of men. he is gone too. all i wanted was to know God had a plan, not just hear about it but actually be told by him, he was at the wheel and not sleeping. nothing. i even begged for a word. nothing. i began tired of seeing people belssed, people who didnt need or want blessings, meanwhile i am left in the dust. i began to think God didnt want me here, or anywhere for that matter. the door is a good church. they really do what they can to follow the word. they are great people. changing churches would not help any of it. this want about the other people, this was about me. moe and more the abondonment grew. i was in serveral ministries, i tried to do what i could to please God, but was still like a rock in my heart. i did recieve a word on a wife and serving the lord around the world with her, and i evenutally got the girl, but now i lost her, becuase of my insecurities and faults. so now, here i am, have been backslidden for two years, and he is still calling me??? what for?? i left cuz he didnt seem to need me there, so why call me? i already know now he has no plans for me, he doesnt have any use for me. i spent 4 years serving him, and i didnt get anywhere. the problems with me are issues of the heart, they are big things i cannot fix alone. this is a God who can move mountains, but cant teach me to love him or other people? i dont know how God, you gotta show me. nope, instead i saw all the bad in them, and began to hate beyond control. so i wonder, now that i am backslidden, why is it he is calling me? i would like an answer form him, but i already know he doesnt answer me, he probably has ot be reminded that i exist, and if its even that its just so he can avenge the person i did wrong too. so, why me? what kind of future is worth this big mess? i dont want ot be a pastor anymore. i dont want to be a father anymore. i hate children. i dont even know if i want to be a husband. my lats relationship ended in heartbreak, and i guess God just wanted me to hurt form it so i can get wanting a wife out of my system. even though i have friends i still feel lonely, cuz lets face it, only God can change that. but i dont know if i want to go back. i dont know if i want to give him a chance to abandon me again. i already know i wasnt exactly a joy to my real dad here on earth, but why has God seen to it to make me feel as if i was the exception to all those promises and blessings the bible has taught me? why am i last in line to be blessed? or better yet, why am i not on his list of blessings at all? any ideas, or am i satan in the flesh? that owuld explain a lot if i was.