Complete Confusion because of OCD, deliberate sin to pray

[GopherKing]

My life has been a complete mess because of OCD. I cannot trust my own judgment, and when I've trusted the judgment of others I've been burned repeatedly. There are so many interpretations of what is right and wrong, I have no idea where to start.

I was debating watching a movie because part of it interested me, and I wasn't going to watch it because it had content that suggested God wasn't real (this didn't interest me), but then I noticed I hadn't prayed in a while, and a part of me wanted to pray more, so I watched the movie in an effort to feel guilt, so I could more easily pray. I didn't watch the movie because I had any interest whatsoever in the suggestions that God wasn't real. None of the things I do are because I have any interest in reinforcing such a ludicrous idea.

There's no doubt he's real in my mind, but I struggle with these backwards logic, OCD confusions. At that moment I was desperate to pray, and I couldn't bring myself to do it right. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but then, I've sinned before because of that same logic.

There have been situations where I "knew" what I was doing was wrong, so I stopped, but it turned out what I was doing was "right." I've lived confidently in the past that I knew what I was doing, and then realized I was wrong. Basically no matter what path I've taken I end up screwing up because of my disability.

I asked for forgiveness every time. Ultimately, I just want to do the "right" thing, but I've come to accept I'm incapable of living such a life, but then even that thought feels like I've justified sinning, but I truly do feel bad about sinning... aghhhh.

Can I be forgiven for this? As long as I'm honest, and truly want to do the right thing, can I live with this disability and not spend every waking moment second-guessing myself?

The irony is, after all this, I feel closer to God than I ever did before. Like, if I hadn't watched that movie, I'm certain I wouldn't feel this close. I am so confused.

I should note, everything I do is with the intent on bringing the maximum amount of happiness to the world I can. That is my one true goal in life. All successes and failures, or sins, all of it is with the sole intent of helping others.

 

[June July]

"...there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..." so stop second-guessing yourself. The Lord doesn't condemn you... He loves you and wants you to be happy. Watching a secular movie isn't sinful. It generally isn't the most edifying experience for Christians but it isn't a great sin you should worry about. Sometimes we need to know what worldly people are watching so we can respond to their needs - and maybe the Lord led you to that for some knowledge you'll later use in serving Him.

I clicked on your message because I also have some OCD tendencies but have never been diagnosed, and I can't really identify with your self-condemnation and fear of doing the wrong thing. I stay close to the Lord in prayer every morning even though I sometimes am not particularly good at praying... in my opinion... but I do it first thing every morning when I sit at my writing desk... and always read the Word in the mornings. That seems to make my entire day go better. I hope I've said something here you might find helpful.

 

[GopherKing]

Thank you. I have very severe OCD and have met with many doctors. At the end of it all, I'm just trying to make the world the happiest it can be. With so much doubt, I feel like the desire for goodness, and happiness, is probably the best path for me to take.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

My life has been a complete mess because of OCD. I cannot trust my own judgment, and when I've trusted the judgment of others I've been burned repeatedly. There are so many interpretations of what is right and wrong, I have no idea where to start.

I was debating watching a movie because part of it interested me, and I wasn't going to watch it because it had content that suggested God wasn't real (this didn't interest me), but then I noticed I hadn't prayed in a while, and a part of me wanted to pray more, so I watched the movie in an effort to feel guilt, so I could more easily pray. I didn't watch the movie because I had any interest whatsoever in the suggestions that God wasn't real. None of the things I do are because I have any interest in reinforcing such a ludicrous idea.

There's no doubt he's real in my mind, but I struggle with these backwards logic, OCD confusions. At that moment I was desperate to pray, and I couldn't bring myself to do it right. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but then, I've sinned before because of that same logic.

There have been situations where I "knew" what I was doing was wrong, so I stopped, but it turned out what I was doing was "right." I've lived confidently in the past that I knew what I was doing, and then realized I was wrong. Basically no matter what path I've taken I end up screwing up because of my disability.

I asked for forgiveness every time. Ultimately, I just want to do the "right" thing, but I've come to accept I'm incapable of living such a life, but then even that thought feels like I've justified sinning, but I truly do feel bad about sinning... aghhhh.

Can I be forgiven for this? As long as I'm honest, and truly want to do the right thing, can I live with this disability and not spend every waking moment second-guessing myself?

The irony is, after all this, I feel closer to God than I ever did before. Like, if I hadn't watched that movie, I'm certain I wouldn't feel this close. I am so confused.

I should note, everything I do is with the intent on bringing the maximum amount of happiness to the world I can. That is my one true goal in life. All successes and failures, or sins, all of it is with the sole intent of helping others.

1Jn 2:1-2 KJV
(1) My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous:
(2) And he is the propitiation for our sins: and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world.

you already have been forgiven - all your transgressions of God's laws were future transgressions from Jesus' view on the cross; even those transgressions you haven't committed yet - the question is, will you receive this forgiveness as a free gift, or must you add something (guilt, penance, self-condemnation, etc.) to the terrible price He paid for your transgressions in order to 'qualify' to receive His forgiveness?

the war over who gets to spend eternity with you has been won by God; He perused you and fought the devil for you in your mind when you were at your worst and hadn't received His gift of spiritual rebirth yet - how much more now does He want to spend time with you in fellowship now that you've received Him to live inside you? but the battle for your mind will rage between God and the devil as long as you remain in a flesh body in this 'life'; because God communicates with you through your reborn Spirit (the Spirit of Christ), and the devil communicates with you through your flesh body - and the battleground is your mind - the battle is over who you yield your thoughts to - God through your reborn spirit, or the devil through your flesh. God wants you to be happy and enjoy this life He's given you; the devil wants you to be miserable and want to get away from this life that God has given you (he's lost the war and knows you'll go to heaven and be with God when you leave your flesh body - so now he wants you to leave your flesh body as soon as possible so that you don't help someone else find out about how Good God really is).

If i give you a car, i do this in my heart before you even know I'm going to give you a car; then i tell you, and i transfer the title to you, and we both have to sign that title - i sign that i'm transferring the ownership to you, and you sign that you receive the ownership. after that, i don't expect you to ask me when you need the car - and you don't even think about asking me if you can use the car because you know it's yours now - although if you appreciate the car you will likely thank me for it when you use it if i'm with you...

God has already given you forgiveness through Jesus, He did this in His heart before you realized that you need forgiveness (even before you were born in a flesh body); then He told you through His revealed written word that He's already forgiven you, and you received that forgiveness (received the 'ownership') through spiritual rebirth. after that, He doesn't expect you to ask Him when you need forgiveness because you already have it (the 'title' has been transferred) - and you don't need to ask for His forgiveness because its already yours - although if you appreciate His already given forgiveness, you will thank Him for it because He is always with you...

God said that you are forgiven, but your intellect says that you must do something to receive this forgiveness - such as asking for it as if He might say 'no' this time, or feeling bad for a while, or denying yourself something good, etc. - this is wavering. when you need forgiveness, remember that you already have it, and thank Him that you already have it, rather than asking for it.

Pro 3:5-6 KJV
(5) Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
(6) In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

if you'll strive to embed God's word in your thinking and, and to simply be led by God in your actions, your OCD will gradually evaporate as you learn to perceive His leading from decision to decision. when i find myself wavering about a decision, i simply ask God 'what should i be doing right now Lord?' - because what i should not be doing is wavering about anything - if i'm wavering about something, it's because my head wants to be in control instead of my heart; it's because i'm leaning toward my own understanding, rather than acknowledging that He already knows what i need to do or say.

Col 3:15 KJV
(15) And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful.

'Is it ok if i watch this movie Lord'? now i quiet my mind for a few seconds to see which choice has peace - if i can't tell which choice has peace, it's likely because i shouldn't be watching a movie right now to begin with but should be doing something else - such as going to bed if it's late - so i ask the most basic question: 'what should i be doing right now Lord?' then comes the hard part - i have to believe, by simple faith, that if i percieve His leading correctly, i'll stop wavering in my mind - if i continue to waver again, i ask the most basic question again - 'what should i be doing right now Lord?'

if you'll spend regular time in His written word, and practice this, i believe by faith that your OCD will evaporate

 

[GopherKing]

Thank you for the thoughtful post. It must have taken quite some time and I appreciate the effort made. Truly.