Compatibility

[Sapiens]

Hi everyone!

I'd like some advice concerning my dating relationship.

How similar do two people need to be in order to be a good match for a successful and lifelong happy marriage?

Me and her are both christians. Beyond our individual flaws that we need to work through and endure from the other, we have some differences in who we are and our interests. For one, I love apologetics stuff. I'd like to work in such a ministry. She loves to share the gospel and says it's her gift from God. So far so good. However, I feel as though we are not on the same page her and I intellectually and spiritually. I'm a very rational/thinking and curious person, whereas she's rather intuitive and she says she doesn't like "details". I'm not too sure what "details" are exactly for her still, and I'm not sure she knows either... She also would like to be a missionary in some other country and work full time in outreach, particularly towards Muslims. I wasn't much into the idea at first, but I've warmed up at the idea, although I'm still not sure about witnessing only or mainly to muslims.

Anyhow, I've tried having a few intellectual discussions, like about different doctrines and why we believe them, or apologetics, but she has clearly told me she has no interest whasoever in apologetics, except for purely intrumental purposes such as converting someone. But she won't study that unless really necessary and even then not in depth. I on the other hand seek answers because I also care, like the honest seeker, to know the answers. It's not just instrumental to me. But I also share the answers with people I meet, family, and friends. As for doctrines, she feels no need to go further. She's glad with what she knows and believe. We also don't really talk about the bible, since I mostly bring up the topic and everything I say seems to be "details" and "going too deep" for her... To my great dismay. To me, this is a big turn off. I always thought I'd marry a girl with the same interest as me, that we could seek to further our understanding of God and the bible together and share our discoveries with others. I'm just not sure if that expectation is reasonable or not... This is one thing I'd like to have advice on.

Also, she says she has read the whole bible like 10 times and she went to a bible college for two intensive years. She says her "knowledge trip" is over now. She says she now prefers just to focus on her relationship with God. She does pray a lot and is a good example for me in that regard, since I do admit I could do it more. I have had a lot of doubts in my faith, and that has of course not been very good for my prayer life. She on the other hand says she has no doubts at all. No questions she wants answers to. It's all good for her. Well, I have plenty left unanswered and intend to die with many still. We are again very very different in this regard. Like opposites actually.

To her defense, she did admit it is weird that she has so little interest for talking and learning more about God and the bible. She said she read the bible so much more out of obligation than pleasure. We do are praying for that. She wants a renewed interest. I do too! But for now, it doesn't look like it's going to happen and I wonder how much time I must wait to see that happen, if ever.

 

[Sam91]

Proverbs 3:5-6

As for advice, sadly I have none. But pray and seek His wisdom.

 

[Sapiens]

Personally, I feel it is an intellectual duty to educate myself and support my claims/beliefs with arguments and evidence. First, to be sure I have correct beliefs, second because it matters greatly, and third because if I'm to share that with others and convince them it's true, I should be convinced myself in the first place!

I say that because she doesn't like to be challenged in what she believes, even though she expects others to reject their whole belief system, like Islam or atheism, and accept christianity... To me that is inconsistent. She did agree with me.

It's also very important for her to go to church and get involved. It's not like she's dead spiritually or anything. She also is a positive influence on me in that regard, as I drew away from church for a while due to people being jerks or not giving me answers to my questions. I also learn a lot better on my own, through my own research. But anyways. I'm back going to church now.

We've been dating for 6 months now. We don't have very many interests in common beyond our faith. We like to go to movie theaters or just watch movies at home. We like the outdoor, although her a LOOOT more! She also likes to go out a lot generally too. Whereas I don't mind staying at home. She loves to travel a lot too.

She likes to talk about God and the faith with people, but not so much with me, it seems. She's also been a christian longer than me and even if she says she knows more than me - and she should - she never has anything to say to what I say or answers to my questions. I just don't get this girl. She has confessed she thinks she's prideful and needs to learn in that regard. I agree and admire her ability to face it and admit it. She also tends to be insensitive and harsh with me, which I find hard, because it often ruins our time together, at least for me because I feel hurt. She also admitted to have this flaw and to desire to grow in this regard. And I pray for her for this and all I mentioned. I'm not sure what I need to pray concerning her spiritual interests though. It seems selfish to pray she gets the same as me. I know I have to be forgiving and all since I also have flaws and do bad things. So it's not like I'm perfect.

Anyhow, I said a lot... I'm mainly wondering about our spiritual compatibility, since it is a very important part of both of our lives, that we intend to live in another country for our faith, and to witness to others of our faith. Without mentioning we need to live our spiritual lives as a couple...

 

[Sapiens]

I know she has qualities (she is optimistic, is outgoing, is attractive physically, to name some) and we can talk together and solve our issues, but I just wonder if it's enough to get through life together. I feel something missing. She said some while ago that she felt we were meant to be together and that God gave her peace about our relationship. She even said I could just ask her and she'd be mine. She said this many times. So I don't want to throw this relationship out the window either, but I'm plagued with doubts. She wants a decisive answer from me before next july.

I tend to be pessimistic and see the bad side of things, so I wonder if that isn't my problem here.

 

[Sapiens]

A friend of mine also said God wanted to tell me (through him) she was a gift from God to me and that we should just trust him.

 

[Call me Nic]

Similar enough to be able to communicate, but different enough to have something to talk about.

 

[Sapiens]

Similar enough to be able to communicate, but different enough to have something to talk about.

Pretty much. I love deep discussions and haven't had any since I know her. We do can talk about our lives and feelings, and anecdotes and stuff. Just not the existentially deep stuff. I love both. She doesn't feel a lack because she can talk about her life and it's fine with me. She just doesn't share my passion for the great questions of life and faith.

 

[Sapiens]

Even though I can talk about this stuff with others, she is my main social interaction and I reckon if I seek that in a friend, why not in a wife? I mean, I see her every week and talk to her on the phone every day. Which is MUCH more than with my friends. So I don't get to connect intellectually often enough. Time is sadly lacking for that in my schedule. I think I'll make more time for friends after the holidays.

 

[Sam91]

Maybe, she feels similar to me about apologetics.

While I love the word of God and have read the whole Bible. Most parts, multiple times, I have no time for man's doctrines. I see it as man's knowledge. I stopped seeking head knowledge about two years ago. I know and love the scriptures but I find that they are an obstruction to many.

Look at the Pharisees and look at people who debate scriptures. I am not saying that apologists are pharasaical but there is a hardness of heart in many and a lot of pride and vanity when they post back and forth. A lot of it misses out on loving God and people, but rather who is right and who has read more than others.

While not all apologists are like that I feel there is a danger to become like that. Maybe, she has been freed from that by God and seeks Him. Maybe she trusts in Him after seeing how when she acts obedient to Him from what He has said in scripture that He teaches through life. That He blesses each act in faith. Maybe she looks to Him to teach and not man and would rather when discussing scripture not to divert from what it says with adding arms and legs. Maybe she would rather link what scripture says as a whole on subjects rather than over analysing different verses and thus changing the meaning.

This is how different doctrines develop and how divisions happen by people wrongly dividing the word.

Maybe she has learned and does trust in Him, rather than herself and others.

Maybe that is what God has shown her to be right for her. Some people may be suited to apologetics and deep perusal of scriptures and what other men say that it means, for others it is a self-made barrier to Him.

 

[Sapiens]

Maybe, she feels similar to me about apologetics.

While I love the word of God and have read the whole Bible. Most parts, multiple times, I have no time for man's doctrines. I see it as man's knowledge. I stopped seeking head knowledge about two years ago. I know and love the scriptures but I find that they are an obstruction to many.

Look at the Pharisees and look at people who debate scriptures. I am not saying that apologists are pharasaical but there is a hardness of heart in many and a lot of pride and vanity when they post back and forth. A lot of it misses out on loving God and people, but rather who is right and who has read more than others.

While not all apologists are like that I feel there is a danger to become like that. Maybe, she has been freed from that by God and seeks Him. Maybe she trusts in Him after seeing how when she acts obedient to Him from what He has said in scripture that He teaches through life. That He blesses each act in faith. Maybe she looks to Him to teach and not man and would rather when discussing scripture not to divert from what it says with adding arms and legs. Maybe she would rather link what scripture says as a whole on subjects rather than over analysing different verses and thus changing the meaning.

This is how different doctrines develop and how divisions happen by people wrongly dividing the word.

Maybe she has learned and does trust in Him, rather than herself and others.

Maybe that is what God has shown her to be right for her. Some people may be suited to apologetics and deep perusal of scriptures and what other men say that it means, for others it is a self-made barrier to Him.

It does seem, from my conversations with her, that she has reached a similar conclusion to you. Except it's not "men's doctrines" or what people think of the scriptures per say that is the problem in her eye, but rather the impossibility to answer many questions. She just thinks that some issues, like free will and God's sovereignty, are not answerable. So she just says to herself that she doesn't know what the answer is and moves on. I am far to have reached such a radical point, even if she isn't necessarily wrong. I think more efforts can be made to find the answers.

About what you say on people knowing things and being perhaps prideful, I agree. And there is actually a verse I know that agrees with you too: "Knowledge makes arrogant, but love edifies." -1 cor. 8:1b

I still think sound doctrines are important and reflecting upon the scriptures too. One just needs to remain careful by being humble and loving. I also have a friend that thinks like you, that we should just read the scriptures and interpret them for ourselves, nevermind others. But why should we care particularly more about our own personal counsel, I wonder? Are others so dumb they can't provide us with something we haven't seen or thought of that is both relevant and true? I think not. If we're going to think and formulate doctrines on our own anyways, based on what we read, why not compare and discuss our discoveries with others? And in order to refute heresies, we must first be able to defend sound doctrines and interpretations and argue for them. That's my thinking on this anyways.

Thanks for your advice and for having read my posts. Feel free to share if anything more comes to you.

 

[Sam91]

I think that there is probably a lot you can learn from each other.

I do not think that it is a case of relying on ones own counsel in some of us who have given up seeking knowledge. I do not trust my own understanding either persay. I trust in Him, knowing He will order my steps.

I think it is dangerous for Christian's to not read the Bible and have a good understanding. Neither should one lean on their own understanding. Psalm 119 is one of my favourites.

Maybe you both could do with each other. (I am not advising in any way what you should do. Marraige is a serious commitment and I'd never want you to think I am giving advice about that in this). But you could be a good resource if she wants more technical information and she could help you not to become puffed up with knowledge that you miss the point. I do not think it is incompatible. But would require tolerance, especially when you both have sleepless nights for months on end if blessed with a non-sleeper.

 

[Tolworth John]

she says she doesn't like "details". I'm not too sure what "details" are exactly for her still

She also would like to be a missionary in some other country and work full time in outreach, particularly towards Muslims.

Point out to her that she will need a degree in theology before any missionary society will touch her.
If she wants to evangelise muslims she will have to know Christian theology backwards and islamic theology.
You could 'test' her ability by asking her common muslim objections to Christianity like, ' the bible is corrupt' or 'the bible tells of the coming of mohamed'
How would she answer this ?

May I suggest that you join her in what ever evangelistic outreach sheis involved in so you can see how she 'evangelises' and she can also see how you do it.

You might find these articles useful:-
William Lane Craig offers advice to Christians considering marriage

 

[Sapiens]

Point out to her that she will need a degree in theology before any missionary society will touch her.
If she wants to evangelise muslims she will have to know Christian theology backwards and islamic theology.
You could 'test' her ability by asking her common muslim objections to Christianity like, ' the bible is corrupt' or 'the bible tells of the coming of mohamed'
How would she answer this ?

May I suggest that you join her in what ever evangelistic outreach sheis involved in so you can see how she 'evangelises' and she can also see how you do it.

You might find these articles useful:-
William Lane Craig offers advice to Christians considering marriage

I didn't think about that part, needing a theology degree. I do am going to start one next fall for that very reason. I hadn't thought about her though. I'll ask her about it.

I did share with her some objections, like that of the bible being corrupt. She became all upset and defensive saying she "doesn't need more than she has, she just trusts the texts and that's it" when I told her about some alleged contradictions in the new testament, objections I've heard imam Shabir Ally use. I mean, I wasn't even challenging her, I was just sharing what I heard and my evaluation of how good the objection was and how we might respond... She didn't know how to respond, so she just said she didn't need an answer...... Sometimes I feel like everything is about her. I don't know why she feels so easily attacked. Although, she did tell me she received a lot of criticism in her life, just life in general, not necessarily about her faith.

It's a good idea to go evangelize together. We'll do that. I already have my doubts... But we'll see... We clearly don't do things the same way. She says we're complementary, but I don't see how. We're complementary in Christ, yes, but as a couple? She says she mainly shares her testimony or talks about some subjects related to spirituality and the christian faith, and I mostly bring up the evidence for Christianity (and answer whatever question or objection they might have). We'll see. Maybe it'll work out well too.

 

[Tolworth John]

I didn't think about that part, needing a theology degree. I do am going to start one next fall for that very reason. I hadn't thought about her though. I'll ask her about it.

I did share with her some objections, like that of the bible being corrupt. She became all upset and defensive saying she "doesn't need more than she has, she just trusts the texts and that's it" when I told her about some alleged contradictions in the new testament, objections I've heard imam Shabir Ally use. I mean, I wasn't even challenging her, I was just sharing what I heard and my evaluation of how good the objection was and how we might respond... She didn't know how to respond, so she just said she didn't need an answer...... Sometimes I feel like everything is about her. I don't know why she feels so easily attacked. Although, she did tell me she received a lot of criticism in her life, just life in general, not necessarily about her faith.

It's a good idea to go evangelize together. We'll do that. I already have my doubts... But we'll see... We clearly don't do things the same way. She says we're complementary, but I don't see how. We're complementary in Christ, yes, but as a couple? She says she mainly shares her testimony or talks about some subjects related to spirituality and the christian faith, and I mostly bring up the evidence for Christianity (and answer whatever question or objection they might have). We'll see. Maybe it'll work out well too.

Try intoducing her to coldcasechristianity.

 

[Tolworth John]

Two verses that you might like to bring to her attention, and then encourage her to watch the coldcasechristianty videos:=-


The Apostle Paul said: “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,” (2 Corinthians 10:5).
Jesus Himself said that the “great and first commandment” is “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” (Matthew 22:34–38)

 

[Sapiens]

Try intoducing her to coldcasechristianity.

She knows about it, and she says there are too many details again... She did enjoy some of the podcasts though. Do you have particular videos in mind?

 

[Sapiens]

QUOTE="Tolworth John, post: 73487940, member: 395982"]Two verses that you might like to bring to her attention, and then encourage her to watch the coldcasechristianty videos:=-

The Apostle Paul said: “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Jesus Himself said that the “great and first commandment” is “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” (Matthew 22:34–38)[/QUOTE]

You know what's funny? When she quotes this verse she omits the "with all your mind" part!!! But I completely agree with you my friend!

And it doesn't matter what the apostle Paul said. She's just not interested. Even when I only talk about the bible I go too far for her. Like, I asked her about what she thought Romans 1:18 and following meant and she just told me she didn't care to know why some people are atheists and whether or not they are really responsible for their unbelief and how it works. She just said she didn't care to understand more what the passage says and to relate it to real people. That ended the conversation, and rather abruptly. It made me very sad to hear her say that...

What's more, we were having a nice time around a fire last summer, and I shared with her a video I watched of Dr. William Lane Craig. It was about the witness of the holy spirit. I was telling her how I didn't understand what he said and I wasn't sure I agreed with him. Anyhow, as we were talking about evidence for the faith and all, I pointed out to her that she was making circular arguments. I don't exactly recall what she said, but what bothered me is that she just responded "so what if I want to use cicular reasoning? Don't I have the right to?!"... Maybe it wasn't really circular, but she didn't care to defend her arguments, because she doesn't care if they're valid or not.... She said that again it other discussions. That she fails to grasp the utter inadequacy of such fallacious reasoning is very disappointing, I find. I hope she doesn't mention that too often to unbelievers. She also often gets upset in that sort of conversation with me. Even if I'm just sharing my thoughts in a non-threatening way. It really hurt me that time, because I was also sharing personal doubts with her... I honestly thought about breaking up after that. But I thought I'd give us a chance. I'm scared though of what might happen in an outreach activity with unbelievers, together...

Maybe I'll try to gently explain to her why circular reasoning doesn't work. I mean, I did tell her already, but anyways. Well, I do pray for her. She asked me to as well. To her credit, she did realize and admit that she wasn't fair in her expectations of others welcoming her criticism of their beliefs whereas she freaks out when hers are slightly challenged. She's like my very opposite on this though. My view is that we have to critically examine our own beliefs and challenge others in the same way.

 

[Sapiens]

I might mention those verses when we'll talk about evangelizing together. Thanks!

 

[Tolworth John]

she just responded "so what if I want to use cicular reasoning?

I think you'llhave to drop her in the deep end with those who can argue against Christianity and who will laugh at circular reasoning.

I also think that it would be good to have a regular bible study together, or to listen to surmons together, try Martin Lloyd Jones online surmons if you deep expositional surmons.

 

[Sketcher]

Hi everyone!

I'd like some advice concerning my dating relationship.

How similar do two people need to be in order to be a good match for a successful and lifelong happy marriage?

Me and her are both christians. Beyond our individual flaws that we need to work through and endure from the other, we have some differences in who we are and our interests. For one, I love apologetics stuff. I'd like to work in such a ministry. She loves to share the gospel and says it's her gift from God. So far so good. However, I feel as though we are not on the same page her and I intellectually and spiritually. I'm a very rational/thinking and curious person, whereas she's rather intuitive and she says she doesn't like "details". I'm not too sure what "details" are exactly for her still, and I'm not sure she knows either... She also would like to be a missionary in some other country and work full time in outreach, particularly towards Muslims. I wasn't much into the idea at first, but I've warmed up at the idea, although I'm still not sure about witnessing only or mainly to muslims.

Anyhow, I've tried having a few intellectual discussions, like about different doctrines and why we believe them, or apologetics, but she has clearly told me she has no interest whasoever in apologetics, except for purely intrumental purposes such as converting someone. But she won't study that unless really necessary and even then not in depth.

She's going to need apologetics knowledge if she's going to witness to Muslims.