- Apr 25, 2019
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Oof, I don’t even know how to start this. I used to be heavily active on this forum for a little while a few years ago because I was suffering heavily from OCD and was always seeking assurance and wanting answers for my questions. Sometime between then and now, I got heavily involved with inappropriate contentography once again, as I had been before, and despite many failed attempts and (to me) insincere moments of reaching out during my bouts of guilt after sinning, I pretty much just lived with it.
My addiction kept getting worse and worse, and it’s gotten to the point where I’ve done everything from roleplaying online, acting out twisted fantasies with others, to actually trading pictures with people I’ve met online (which has led to me being scammed out of a couple hundred dollars, if you can imagine how that might’ve gone down). I’ve even thought about having actual sex with real people, though I’ve never actually gone that far. In essence, my mind seemed to be entirely on sex almost the entire day, and I wasted so much time on trying to satisfy that urge in any way I could, all throughout the day. (During this time I also began to get more crass, telling dirty jokes a ton and even beginning to curse.) Anyway, guilt wouldn’t last long before that intense desire, almost need, to get that next hit took back over.
Fast forward what, two years, three years, of doing all of that, and about a couple days ago I just felt this intense despair as I looked at how bad it had gotten, how much time I had wasted chasing all of these perverted things, thinking about what I had done, and how each time I thought about changing, it would all go away the next morning. I must’ve hit some sort of breaking point because I went to wake up my mom at like 4 in the morning (I know, I’m so selfish for waking her up so late… ugh) and vented all of the many thoughts and fears and worries swirling through my mind then. I also talked about how I might be getting depressed because I have a ton of trouble making friends and I was feeling more and more alone and bitter.
We set up some blockers, but I told her I didn’t think it would do much since I’d always just find a way around it, and that I had this coldness and hardness toward God, where I couldn’t feel Him at all and didn’t have much, if any, desire to follow Him or even pray. I eventually went to sleep and the following day went without inappropriate content, but yesterday I inevitably found a loophole, leading to me again falling into despair and waking my mom up. I hate that I’m like this, but I feel stuck now. I feel like I have no way out of this cycle, that I’ve hardened myself too far and that I won’t be able to get back to God. Add onto all of that my so-called “depression” from social anxiety and feeling inadequate in everything I do, and now I just feel like a big mess.
I don’t know where my OCD factors into this at all; I’ve theorized that my sex addiction might’ve been a way to cope with the pain and anxiety from my OCD, as I never really feel it while I’m living in the sin, and whenever I do make an effort to change, I just go into this downward spiral of fear and anxiety over everything related to Christianity and God. I’m a little wary to make this assumption, however, as I feel like I’m effectively excusing my sin this way.
In short, I feel pathetic and lonely, I feel stuck in my ways and unable to change at all (I seem to have little to no motivation to even keep healthy habits like getting good sleep and exercise), depressed, and like I have no motivation to return to God, who I know in my head is the only way to fill those holes I have in myself, though I can’t motivate myself to actually follow through and follow Him because I’ve already convinced myself that I’m not going to stick with anything and that I’ll always fall back into my ways. I feel trapped and like my conscience is seared or at least really diminished, and I don’t know what to do.
My addiction kept getting worse and worse, and it’s gotten to the point where I’ve done everything from roleplaying online, acting out twisted fantasies with others, to actually trading pictures with people I’ve met online (which has led to me being scammed out of a couple hundred dollars, if you can imagine how that might’ve gone down). I’ve even thought about having actual sex with real people, though I’ve never actually gone that far. In essence, my mind seemed to be entirely on sex almost the entire day, and I wasted so much time on trying to satisfy that urge in any way I could, all throughout the day. (During this time I also began to get more crass, telling dirty jokes a ton and even beginning to curse.) Anyway, guilt wouldn’t last long before that intense desire, almost need, to get that next hit took back over.
Fast forward what, two years, three years, of doing all of that, and about a couple days ago I just felt this intense despair as I looked at how bad it had gotten, how much time I had wasted chasing all of these perverted things, thinking about what I had done, and how each time I thought about changing, it would all go away the next morning. I must’ve hit some sort of breaking point because I went to wake up my mom at like 4 in the morning (I know, I’m so selfish for waking her up so late… ugh) and vented all of the many thoughts and fears and worries swirling through my mind then. I also talked about how I might be getting depressed because I have a ton of trouble making friends and I was feeling more and more alone and bitter.
We set up some blockers, but I told her I didn’t think it would do much since I’d always just find a way around it, and that I had this coldness and hardness toward God, where I couldn’t feel Him at all and didn’t have much, if any, desire to follow Him or even pray. I eventually went to sleep and the following day went without inappropriate content, but yesterday I inevitably found a loophole, leading to me again falling into despair and waking my mom up. I hate that I’m like this, but I feel stuck now. I feel like I have no way out of this cycle, that I’ve hardened myself too far and that I won’t be able to get back to God. Add onto all of that my so-called “depression” from social anxiety and feeling inadequate in everything I do, and now I just feel like a big mess.
I don’t know where my OCD factors into this at all; I’ve theorized that my sex addiction might’ve been a way to cope with the pain and anxiety from my OCD, as I never really feel it while I’m living in the sin, and whenever I do make an effort to change, I just go into this downward spiral of fear and anxiety over everything related to Christianity and God. I’m a little wary to make this assumption, however, as I feel like I’m effectively excusing my sin this way.
In short, I feel pathetic and lonely, I feel stuck in my ways and unable to change at all (I seem to have little to no motivation to even keep healthy habits like getting good sleep and exercise), depressed, and like I have no motivation to return to God, who I know in my head is the only way to fill those holes I have in myself, though I can’t motivate myself to actually follow through and follow Him because I’ve already convinced myself that I’m not going to stick with anything and that I’ll always fall back into my ways. I feel trapped and like my conscience is seared or at least really diminished, and I don’t know what to do.