Coming back after a long time…

[NoahSK]

Oof, I don’t even know how to start this. I used to be heavily active on this forum for a little while a few years ago because I was suffering heavily from OCD and was always seeking assurance and wanting answers for my questions. Sometime between then and now, I got heavily involved with inappropriate contentography once again, as I had been before, and despite many failed attempts and (to me) insincere moments of reaching out during my bouts of guilt after sinning, I pretty much just lived with it.

My addiction kept getting worse and worse, and it’s gotten to the point where I’ve done everything from roleplaying online, acting out twisted fantasies with others, to actually trading pictures with people I’ve met online (which has led to me being scammed out of a couple hundred dollars, if you can imagine how that might’ve gone down). I’ve even thought about having actual sex with real people, though I’ve never actually gone that far. In essence, my mind seemed to be entirely on sex almost the entire day, and I wasted so much time on trying to satisfy that urge in any way I could, all throughout the day. (During this time I also began to get more crass, telling dirty jokes a ton and even beginning to curse.) Anyway, guilt wouldn’t last long before that intense desire, almost need, to get that next hit took back over.

Fast forward what, two years, three years, of doing all of that, and about a couple days ago I just felt this intense despair as I looked at how bad it had gotten, how much time I had wasted chasing all of these perverted things, thinking about what I had done, and how each time I thought about changing, it would all go away the next morning. I must’ve hit some sort of breaking point because I went to wake up my mom at like 4 in the morning (I know, I’m so selfish for waking her up so late… ugh) and vented all of the many thoughts and fears and worries swirling through my mind then. I also talked about how I might be getting depressed because I have a ton of trouble making friends and I was feeling more and more alone and bitter.

We set up some blockers, but I told her I didn’t think it would do much since I’d always just find a way around it, and that I had this coldness and hardness toward God, where I couldn’t feel Him at all and didn’t have much, if any, desire to follow Him or even pray. I eventually went to sleep and the following day went without inappropriate content, but yesterday I inevitably found a loophole, leading to me again falling into despair and waking my mom up. I hate that I’m like this, but I feel stuck now. I feel like I have no way out of this cycle, that I’ve hardened myself too far and that I won’t be able to get back to God. Add onto all of that my so-called “depression” from social anxiety and feeling inadequate in everything I do, and now I just feel like a big mess.

I don’t know where my OCD factors into this at all; I’ve theorized that my sex addiction might’ve been a way to cope with the pain and anxiety from my OCD, as I never really feel it while I’m living in the sin, and whenever I do make an effort to change, I just go into this downward spiral of fear and anxiety over everything related to Christianity and God. I’m a little wary to make this assumption, however, as I feel like I’m effectively excusing my sin this way.

In short, I feel pathetic and lonely, I feel stuck in my ways and unable to change at all (I seem to have little to no motivation to even keep healthy habits like getting good sleep and exercise), depressed, and like I have no motivation to return to God, who I know in my head is the only way to fill those holes I have in myself, though I can’t motivate myself to actually follow through and follow Him because I’ve already convinced myself that I’m not going to stick with anything and that I’ll always fall back into my ways. I feel trapped and like my conscience is seared or at least really diminished, and I don’t know what to do.

 

[thesacredbeautiful]

...Well, I would look at it this way: Do you want to stay stuck forever? Because it's really your choice. Maybe no one's ever told you that before. Also, you don't have to change everything all at once or even at all. It's a simple decision. Maybe you need to reconcile with the fact that you've found yourself in this state and decide for yourself whether you think it's worth changing. You might want to try praying, "Lord, make me willing to be willing." I think God would be there to welcome you back with open arms, as in the story of the prodigal son.

 

[Mari17]

Thank you so much for reaching out, Noah. That takes initiative and courage. You are right, both inappropriate contentography and OCD can keep you in bondage. I don't know much about the inappropriate contentography aspect of this, but I know that there are many, many resources available. Have you looked into resources offered by Boundless and Focus on the Family? Here is just one article (of many) on Boundless: How inappropriate contentography Kills Ambition.

As far as the OCD, don't listen to its lies. God is more powerful than your sin, and He can rescue you from it. Perhaps OCD would like you to feel that your sin condemns you even after you've repented, but that's not true. Salvation is not a performance game. It's falling, broken, before God, as many times as you need to. "God, be merciful to me, a sinner!" (Luke 18:13) That's all we need - to come to God just as we are. His saving power through Jesus Christ does the rest.

And don't believe the lie that you can't change. You can. You might not change all at once, and you might slip up. Or you might not. But what matters is that you make the choice to move forward. Again and again and again. As many times as you need to.

I am praying for you. Don't wait to get help, whatever kind of help you need. Be tenacious about it. Your life is too important to waste on inappropriate contentography and living in bondage to sin and fear.

 

[Blaise N]

Oof, I don’t even know how to start this. I used to be heavily active on this forum for a little while a few years ago because I was suffering heavily from OCD and was always seeking assurance and wanting answers for my questions. Sometime between then and now, I got heavily involved with inappropriate contentography once again, as I had been before, and despite many failed attempts and (to me) insincere moments of reaching out during my bouts of guilt after sinning, I pretty much just lived with it.

My addiction kept getting worse and worse, and it’s gotten to the point where I’ve done everything from roleplaying online, acting out twisted fantasies with others, to actually trading pictures with people I’ve met online (which has led to me being scammed out of a couple hundred dollars, if you can imagine how that might’ve gone down). I’ve even thought about having actual sex with real people, though I’ve never actually gone that far. In essence, my mind seemed to be entirely on sex almost the entire day, and I wasted so much time on trying to satisfy that urge in any way I could, all throughout the day. (During this time I also began to get more crass, telling dirty jokes a ton and even beginning to curse.) Anyway, guilt wouldn’t last long before that intense desire, almost need, to get that next hit took back over.

Fast forward what, two years, three years, of doing all of that, and about a couple days ago I just felt this intense despair as I looked at how bad it had gotten, how much time I had wasted chasing all of these perverted things, thinking about what I had done, and how each time I thought about changing, it would all go away the next morning. I must’ve hit some sort of breaking point because I went to wake up my mom at like 4 in the morning (I know, I’m so selfish for waking her up so late… ugh) and vented all of the many thoughts and fears and worries swirling through my mind then. I also talked about how I might be getting depressed because I have a ton of trouble making friends and I was feeling more and more alone and bitter.

We set up some blockers, but I told her I didn’t think it would do much since I’d always just find a way around it, and that I had this coldness and hardness toward God, where I couldn’t feel Him at all and didn’t have much, if any, desire to follow Him or even pray. I eventually went to sleep and the following day went without inappropriate content, but yesterday I inevitably found a loophole, leading to me again falling into despair and waking my mom up. I hate that I’m like this, but I feel stuck now. I feel like I have no way out of this cycle, that I’ve hardened myself too far and that I won’t be able to get back to God. Add onto all of that my so-called “depression” from social anxiety and feeling inadequate in everything I do, and now I just feel like a big mess.

I don’t know where my OCD factors into this at all; I’ve theorized that my sex addiction might’ve been a way to cope with the pain and anxiety from my OCD, as I never really feel it while I’m living in the sin, and whenever I do make an effort to change, I just go into this downward spiral of fear and anxiety over everything related to Christianity and God. I’m a little wary to make this assumption, however, as I feel like I’m effectively excusing my sin this way.

In short, I feel pathetic and lonely, I feel stuck in my ways and unable to change at all (I seem to have little to no motivation to even keep healthy habits like getting good sleep and exercise), depressed, and like I have no motivation to return to God, who I know in my head is the only way to fill those holes I have in myself, though I can’t motivate myself to actually follow through and follow Him because I’ve already convinced myself that I’m not going to stick with anything and that I’ll always fall back into my ways. I feel trapped and like my conscience is seared or at least really diminished, and I don’t know what to do.

Hello Noah,

I too am an OCD sufferer and devout Christian.I too was enslaved to inappropriate contentography but repented of it.And the only way to overcome it is to ask the Holy Spirit for help,You cannot overcome this on your own,trust me I tried for years on my own and failed.Until I finally threw the towel in and said “I WILL NOT LEG inappropriate contentOGRAPHY SEPARATE ME FROM JESUS FOR ETERNITY “ and I repented of it.Now that I look back I cannot fathom how I was wrapped up in such abhorrent disgusting material.

I hope Noah you realize your need to repent.I can see that if you’re concerned about it,no unbeliever is concerned about a heartened heart or seared conscience.do not harden your heart to Jesus and repent.Ask God to give you a hatred anger of inappropriate contentography,and take hold of the holy spirits offer of self control! I will indeed pray for you

 

[NoahSK]

Hello Noah,

I too am an OCD sufferer and devout Christian.I too was enslaved to inappropriate contentography but repented of it.And the only way to overcome it is to ask the Holy Spirit for help,You cannot overcome this on your own,trust me I tried for years on my own and failed.Until I finally threw the towel in and said “I WILL NOT LEG inappropriate contentOGRAPHY SEPARATE ME FROM JESUS FOR ETERNITY “ and I repented of it.Now that I look back I cannot fathom how I was wrapped up in such abhorrent disgusting material.

I hope Noah you realize your need to repent.I can see that if you’re concerned about it,no unbeliever is concerned about a heartened heart or seared conscience.do not harden your heart to Jesus and repent.Ask God to give you a hatred anger of inappropriate contentography,and take hold of the holy spirits offer of self control! I will indeed pray for you

Hello, I’ve read what you said and the thing is, I did all of that, years ago. Back when I was still active on here. I went through the pain of starting to watch inappropriate content again after having stopped for however long after my OCD began to flair up and I had run to God after so long of living without a care for Him or for my sin. I had weekly meetings with an old youth pastor regarding inappropriate content, and yet I stopped going. My efforts to stop never took hold, because I fear I never really wanted to stop to begin with. And I eventually stopped caring altogether, beginning to live like I once did, only this time it seemed to get worse. Here I am once again, but I fear that even this time I don’t truly want to stop. Like I’m only biding my time until next time I give in. It’s like I’ve already accepted I’ll slip up, so I don’t put up much of a fight when the urge does come up. I’ve asked for the Holy Spirit to help me, for God to give me the will to stop, to help me hate my sins, but nothing seems to change very much. I feel like it’s only a matter of time before I go back to doing whatever I want again…

 

[thesacredbeautiful]

It's funny how we think that freedom is defined as doing whatever we want, when that actually turns out to be a form of bondage.

 

[thesacredbeautiful]

It appears to me to be confirmation of the fact that we were not created to live solely for ourselves.
Have you tried maybe helping someone else in a similar situation?

 

[thesacredbeautiful]

If that feels too daunting, I would try to start with one small, positive change. Just one.
It's a fact of life that if we want to have a healthy soul, we must do the work involved to care for it.

 

[thesacredbeautiful]

I know how easy it is to feel hopeless when it doesn't look like God is working in our lives, but I honestly have to believe that He wants to give you life and freedom. Do you believe that? Do you want that?

 

[Blaise N]

Hello, I’ve read what you said and the thing is, I did all of that, years ago. Back when I was still active on here. I went through the pain of starting to watch inappropriate content again after having stopped for however long after my OCD began to flair up and I had run to God after so long of living without a care for Him or for my sin. I had weekly meetings with an old youth pastor regarding inappropriate content, and yet I stopped going. My efforts to stop never took hold, because I fear I never really wanted to stop to begin with. And I eventually stopped caring altogether, beginning to live like I once did, only this time it seemed to get worse. Here I am once again, but I fear that even this time I don’t truly want to stop. Like I’m only biding my time until next time I give in. It’s like I’ve already accepted I’ll slip up, so I don’t put up much of a fight when the urge does come up. I’ve asked for the Holy Spirit to help me, for God to give me the will to stop, to help me hate my sins, but nothing seems to change very much. I feel like it’s only a matter of time before I go back to doing whatever I want again…

Don’t ever go back,Never consider that,cry out to God for change,I don’t want you to fall away,plead night and day to the Lord for a miracle

 

[Mari17]

Hello, I’ve read what you said and the thing is, I did all of that, years ago. Back when I was still active on here. I went through the pain of starting to watch inappropriate content again after having stopped for however long after my OCD began to flair up and I had run to God after so long of living without a care for Him or for my sin. I had weekly meetings with an old youth pastor regarding inappropriate content, and yet I stopped going. My efforts to stop never took hold, because I fear I never really wanted to stop to begin with. And I eventually stopped caring altogether, beginning to live like I once did, only this time it seemed to get worse. Here I am once again, but I fear that even this time I don’t truly want to stop. Like I’m only biding my time until next time I give in. It’s like I’ve already accepted I’ll slip up, so I don’t put up much of a fight when the urge does come up. I’ve asked for the Holy Spirit to help me, for God to give me the will to stop, to help me hate my sins, but nothing seems to change very much. I feel like it’s only a matter of time before I go back to doing whatever I want again…

Don't let your fear of what you might do stop you from moving forward in the right direction. Get help, for your addiction and for OCD. Be proactive, be persistent about getting help. It is YOUR life, and it is invaluable. You are in charge of how your life gets spent, so make decisions that align with who you really want to be, not who you are afraid that you are.