Church Hurts

[jazzypooh]

Hey CF,

I haven't been on here in forever (shame on me). But I've been dealing with some things, and I wanted to get another opinion about it. I'm pretty sure everyone here has dealt with church hurts to some degree or another. If not, you probably will. But I'm a little conflicted about it. I know probably the best thing is just to let it go and move on, but I'll admit it's hard. I need closure. I've been praying and asking God to give me closure, and I'm believing Him for that. Would it be a bad idea to let this other person know how I feel and how their actions affected me? I don't really want to go into specific details about what they did, but this person is a pastor and is still pastoring. I no longer attend the church, and I really haven't been a member at another church since this occurred (It's going on 4 years now). I would of thought that someone called to the ministry as a pastor/prophet would've already reconciled this issue by now or at least called to find out where I am and how I'm doing. But nothing. It's as if they never knew me, much less as a member of their congregation. It's really sad. I don't expect leaders to be perfect by any means or anybody else for that matter. I'm beginning to realize at this point, they will probably never apologize for what they did. So I decided to just forgive and hand it over to God. I've been thinking about at least trying to reach out to them just for the sake of closure for myself, because it has affected my relationship with God. Would that be a bad idea or should I just leave it alone? I'd really appreciate some advice and prayer concerning this matter especially if you've dealt with this before. Thanks in advance.

 

[ezeric]

1) start asking the LORD what 'church' really means and is.
2) you said it: "forgive and hand it over to GOD" this I 'Amen' with you.
3) you are following JESUS (fixing your eyes on HIM) and not looking to man anyway.

-eric

the-exchanged-life.blogspot.com

 

[If Not For Grace]

If you have truly forgiven you have closure, if not that is the issue to revisit. Apologies are nice, but not required in fact they say the best apology to accept is the one you never got.

You have moved on-stay in that forward mode. God will do His own correcting in His own time..He does not need our help...

 

[BFine]

Mark 11:25 "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so
that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

 

[quietpraiyze]

I think it depends. As an African American and if this is an African American church, what I can tell you is that what you’re up against sometimes is very insidious cloaked in culture and tradition. Whatever they’ve been doing, they may have been doing it that way forever and they’re not going to change. I understand your dilemma very well and you can confront but if they haven’t said anything in 4 years I doubt they will now. Odds are when you left they may have figured, “problem solved”.

Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt. Some of the most painful things some of us will ever experience will be through the hands of people who say their Christians. It is beyond painful. I want to encourage you to read the Gospel (Matthew, Mark, Luke, & John) and pay attention to what’s going on between Jesus and the Pharisees.

Remember;

For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. Heb 4:15

When it comes to dealing with those in “leadership” Jesus knows this one very well. I would also recommend this book, “Healing Spiritual Abuse: How to Break Free From Bad Church Experiences” by Ken Blue. It’s a simple read. There might be something there that can help you. Maybe it might help for you to write it all out in a letter format then see if you still want to send it. Either way I think the choice is yours.

Stay encouraged. God will get you through this and you’ll come out on the other side...you really will.

 

[miss-a]

It's fine to reach out, but before you do, hand the outcome over to God. I've had a couple of situations that sound similar to yours. I emailed the person and reminded them of what good friends we had been and requested we get together. They never responded so I sent a letter. Still no response. And like with you, the church leadership also dropped the ball.

In a later situation in a different church, I poured out my heart to the pastor about what had happened in his church. His response was, "I'm sorry it didn't work out for you." That was all he said. Issue resolved, as far as he was concerned.

So here's what I learned. People can't give whaat they don't have. The former friend I wrote to just didn't have the skills to deal with what she had done. So she just didn't deal with it. The pastor in the second issure didn't have the emotional skills to deal with a distraught confused new Christian who'd been hurt in his church.

I'm not saying it's right that these folks didn't know how to deal, but I'm saying that's what I had to deal with. I still think it was good that I attempted resolve, and that in itself was a form of resolution, but not the one I'd planned on.

All that being said, though it was a bumpy journey that too a long time, I managed to move through the healing and forgiveness process, the Lord holding my hand all the way. I'm now happpily in a new church where I'm very active, accepted, and learning to build relationships. I'm also much better at chosing with whom to build them and who should be loved from a distance.

You can definitely heal from this and find yourself in a healthy, thriving, Jesus-loving church family again. It takes time, but it's worth it. Don't let the wounds of the past cripple the wonderful future the Lord has for you. You can heal from this, and with Him leading the way you will.

Prayers,
a

 

[Jenny30]

I'm so sorry to heart that. My family went through something very similar; we were attending a church our whole life, and we were close to allot of the members including the pastor, when my grandma developed cancer and passed away...we thought the pastor would be caring, but he was the complete opposite and this really bothered my family, especially my grandpa. It's kinda weird how some people are and you are right pastors have their fault too, because they are just human beings like we are, but yes allot of times people look up to them as higher than we are, but they are not. I'm glad you are able to forgive and hopefully soon forget; that's the best thing for you, because it is probably only hurting you in the long run thinking about this particular situation. I hope you find a church you like.

 

[Shulamite7]

I think letting this person know how his actions had hurt you is a good idea. Once you have discussed it and dealt with it then it might no longer trouble you like before. Afterall doesn't it say in MATT 5:23-26 to settle matters quickly with our adversary. Only thing is that the majority of us do not put it into practize.

 

[tbogunro]

Yes you should reach out especially if its affecting your relationship with God. I remember when God led me to reconcile with someone and it was needed. Also God ALWAYS says don't take it upon yourself to repay wrong and to wait on Him because He'll make things right. Ultimately do what God is saying inside you. Also just because someone is a minister doesn't mean they were called by God, actually done of them are led by the wrong spirit . This is why you should simply ask God to lead you to a good church and God will DEFINITELY make things right again . If the same thing happened to your child what would you do? How much more will the person that is love ? You don't have to be a member of a church but don't let the devil keep you away from your brothers and sisters in Christ.

 

[dysert]

1. The pastor may not even know that he did something so upsetting to you.
2. It's been 4 years, so he may not remember that he did something so upsetting to you.
3. It's been 4 years, so I think you should just move on (as you've apparently done).

You should ask yourself what possible outcomes there could be by seeking him out and bringing this up. One is that you may not get the apology you think you need for closure. Another is that even if you got an apology, you may still not feel like the matter is settled, so you've just added more time to try to get over it.

I know it's hard, but there are times (both in and out of the church) when people hurt us. We somehow have to learn to deal with it so that they don't continue to have power over us (e.g., how we feel).

You might consider getting a book to help you get past this. One (which I haven't read, but my wife has) is from Beth Moore: "When godly people do ungodly things".

 

[vespasia]

I am white british and have no experience of african/american churches and would not dare to speak of how that may or may not be resolved but hurts inflicted by people in the name of Christ have a habit of hurting far longer than most.

My past can cause some to react with fear and that fear can make them behave in ways in Christ's name that could really damage. People who bother to get to know me thank God whilst those who do not never will.
It is okay to ask God for closure on this as you have been doing; I cannot think of anyone better able to give this to you. There have been some times when I have raged absolutely raged and slammed everything I wanted to do to the christians and fellowships that reject me into the cross of Christ, there have been times I have not known weather I should laugh or cry at the naivity of people who are happy to profess Christ forgives with their lips but who refuse to live that same message in their attitudes and lives. Thats been thrown Gods way too.

There are some people I wish I could communicate with and explain how what they did caused harm, nearly had me walking away for making Christ look an insane choice, who did all they could to stand between me and Christ but I also know that unless God works marvels in their hearts I cannot do so. Only once has someone been convicted by God that what they had done and said sullied the name of Christ in my eyes. I did not go to them- they came and saught me out in absolute fear and trembling [I still have a reputation of being someone you would want to make sure is on your side and not standing against you] Then I could give unconditional forgivness to them and it was they who wept.

Pray for them, ask God to bless them what they need to become a better and more compassionate pastor. If God can touch me when I have been all things evil then God can certainly reach those who stumble trying to serve God.


You can communicate with the chaplains and other Christians here; you can ask God to help you locate a group of Christians who can offer a safe place to shelter whilst God is at work healing broken hearts.


Before I choose christ as the better way I was passionate that the church was wrong, that it represented an absolute lie that stopped people seeking truth and I took Christian baiting to a level some walked away from their faith.
The thing that convicted me that Christ was the better way and worth following was simply this.

Christ is perfect, his people are not.

If we allow ourselves to look towards God through the broken lenses of imperfect and failable Christians ;especially Church leaders; we will never see the perfect Christ but when we look towards God from where we stand through the Cross of Christ something beautiful and awesome starts to live within us.


May God bless you with people who can walk alongside you, hold you up before God in prayer and be Christs eyes and ears to hear your pain on your ongoing journey of healing. May your next church show the good fruits of Galatians and may all have an understanding of loving one another for Christ's sake.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I know my mother always finds the flaws of a church (there will always be flaws) and has gotten to the point where she nitpicks every church we go to. She doesn't like the clicks in a church, or maybe a pastors view, maybe how someone acts or evne what the church does/doesn't do. She thinks its ok to be that picky but since she hasn't really picked a church to go to in years and years now, she had become a bit distant from God.

She swears often, drinks, gets angry, says terrible things, takes Gods name in vein. Where as if she was going to church she would maturing from it. So just don't become like my mom. Realize its easier to find flaws in a church then it is to realize just how many good things are in it. We just have to accept that things will happen in a church we may not like and ignore them.

 

[Avniel]

I know my mother always finds the flaws of a church (there will always be flaws) and has gotten to the point where she nitpicks every church we go to. She doesn't like the clicks in a church, or maybe a pastors view, maybe how someone acts or evne what the church does/doesn't do. She thinks its ok to be that picky but since she hasn't really picked a church to go to in years and years now, she had become a bit distant from God.

She swears often, drinks, gets angry, says terrible things, takes Gods name in vein. Where as if she was going to church she would maturing from it. So just don't become like my mom. Realize its easier to find flaws in a church then it is to realize just how many good things are in it. We just have to accept that things will happen in a church we may not like and ignore them.

Your mother needs to find a relationship with Christ not just a church to go to. I think that's the biggest issue, the ideal that the church makes you grow in Christ. People forget to read, worship and pray on their own. I'm very picky when it comes to church and even when I find a church I'm even more picky about who I associate with. There is nothing wrong with knowing the exact type of church to go to.

The fact that its easier to find flaws and what's good about a church means that the churches are failing....some of the meanest people sit in pews, speak in tounges and prophesies. The church has become a country club. For many people church is just a place to fellowship, there is little growth, little healing.....the tv ministries are a get rich quick scheme. There are going to be a lot of people that go to church on Sunday and are on this board and that board that aren't going to be raptured. People think involvement in church is works, this isn't the word of God. We need more picky church goers to get us on the right track.