Church Hurts

[jazzypooh]

Hey CF,

I haven't been on here in forever (shame on me). But I've been dealing with some things, and I wanted to get another opinion about it. I'm pretty sure everyone here has dealt with church hurts to some degree or another. If not, you probably will. But I'm a little conflicted about it. I know probably the best thing is just to let it go and move on, but I'll admit it's hard. I need closure. I've been praying and asking God to give me closure, and I'm believing Him for that. Would it be a bad idea to let this other person know how I feel and how their actions affected me? I don't really want to go into specific details about what they did, but this person is a pastor and is still pastoring. I no longer attend the church, and I really haven't been a member at another church since this occurred (It's going on 4 years now). I would of thought that someone called to the ministry as a pastor/prophet would've already reconciled this issue by now or at least called to find out where I am and how I'm doing. But nothing. It's as if they never knew me, much less as a member of their congregation. It's really sad. I don't expect leaders to be perfect by any means or anybody else for that matter. I'm beginning to realize at this point, they will probably never apologize for what they did. So I decided to just forgive and hand it over to God. I've been thinking about at least trying to reach out to them just for the sake of closure for myself, because it has affected my relationship with God. Would that be a bad idea or should I just leave it alone? I'd really appreciate some advice and prayer concerning this matter especially if you've dealt with this before. Thanks in advance.

 

[kspchemist]

I think it is the best thing to reach out to the pastor. You will not be free until you get this off your chest. It is the right thing to do.

 

[Messy]

Well, I was kicked out of the church by a pastor, but that's my ex-husband. I forgave him, thought about it again, forgave him again, doesn't work. I phoned him and asked him to forgive me for what I had done wrong. Only then he asked me forgiveness. The people of our church were hurt too and most left because of the divorce. Some were very angry with him and judging with us. I told one member the true story, because she took my side and I wanted to show her there was another one. It's reconciled with most of the people, one man went to his place, not judging. Their relationship is restored. But there's one left, who when she saw me started to gossip about him and always thought and was still thinking she was better then me. I tried to be just friendly, but because of this I just forgave her, I'll say hi when I see her, that's it. It can get better if she changes her attitude, but well, it's not good. Maybe I'll be the least and contact her, I'll only do that if God tells me to.

 

[tturt]

Praying for Yahweh to give you guidance and wisdom.

 

[probinson]

Hi Jazzy,

I can relate with church hurts. My church hurts were brought on by my parents and my sister. Long story short, just 3 days after the birth of my one and only son, I would find my parents in my living room accusing our pastor (falsely) of all kinds of nonsense, and accusing me of being complicit. I would then find myself in a situation where I had to throw my sister (whom I am very close with) out of my house.

What I've come to believe is that while we must forgive those who do us wrong, there is no way that restoration can take place unless there is also repentance. Jesus forgave us of all of our sins, but we must repent to be restored to Him.

About 6 months after all of the above happened, I can truly say that I forgave my family for what they did, but it was still very awkward, and there was still a wound.

About a year after that, my mother apologized to me for "casting a shadow" over the birth of my son. After her repentance, our relationship was restored to what it once was. To this day, my sister still has not apologized to me, and because of that, there is still a wound there, and our relationship has never been restored to what it once was before that incident.

I guess what I'm saying is that while it is up to us to forgive and forget, it takes BOTH forgiveness AND repentance for restoration to take place, and that means that action is required on the part of both parties. IOW, we can't cause restoration to occur on our own.

Forgiveness is never easy, especially when we've been seriously hurt by someone else. I like the Tenth Avenue North song "Losing" where it says;

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
​

Forgiveness is not fair. It means I give up my right to be angry or upset at the other person for hurting me. It absolves the other person, even though they've done nothing to deserve it. I definitely needed God's grace to be able to forgive them, because I didn't have it within myself to "let it go". But through His grace and Love, we have the power to forgive those who wrong us.

 

[Andy S. Wright]

Hi JazzyPooh,

I could write a book (or twelve) on church hurts as I have experienced many of them from the pulpit and from the pew. I commend you on your willingness to forgive and praise God for His ability to empower us to do so. It is not easy to arrive at the place of forgiveness after deep, life altering circumstances leave us in a place of pain, bitterness, and/or confusion. I speak from 20+ years of fighting/searching for true forgiveness. I'll tell you it is very possible but there is work involved and it is not instantaneous, to be sure.

Not knowing the specifics, I would not advise you on whether you should approach the individual responsible for your pain or not. There is a right way and thousands of wrong ways to confronting someone with many variables that cannot be covered in a general way.

But, I can speak to my own healing process and tell you I have learned to forgive both with and without facing those who caused me hurt. I have also learned to seek forgiveness from those who I hurt. With what you've shared in your post, I'd say you're on the right path but understand it is a process; not unlike recovering from major surgery. There are a few universal "rules" to forgiveness and closure but there are also steps that are unique to the situation. The trick is to not grow weary with well doing when working toward a place of total forgiveness.

If I may, I'd like to share a link to a sermon on the subject of forgiveness I found extremely helpful:

12 Steps to Forgiveness

I pray you find the peace that passes all understanding in your search for closure and forgiveness.

 

[ByTheSpirit]

Hello JazzyPooh,
I did not read all the replies you have already, but I'm sure there is excellent advice already given to you. I would just like you to know that I have experienced to some degree what you have. My ex-Pastor told me one day that I was under God's curse for not believing in a certain doctrine that the denomination held and then told me I needed to be more mature about handling a situation where my wife and even myself had been insulted publicly by certain church members in regards to our children's care at the church. So I left and I gave it to the Lord and He removed the weight from my shoulders. I would just say tell God exactly how you feel about the situation and ask for grace to cover you. He will never fail you even though other humans, yes even ministers, will. I will pray for you in this.

 

[kjb34]

I would tell pray about it and go whichever way the Holy Spirit leads you. I will be praying with you as well.

 

[Frogster]

Hey CF,

I haven't been on here in forever (shame on me). But I've been dealing with some things, and I wanted to get another opinion about it. I'm pretty sure everyone here has dealt with church hurts to some degree or another. If not, you probably will. But I'm a little conflicted about it. I know probably the best thing is just to let it go and move on, but I'll admit it's hard. I need closure. I've been praying and asking God to give me closure, and I'm believing Him for that. Would it be a bad idea to let this other person know how I feel and how their actions affected me? I don't really want to go into specific details about what they did, but this person is a pastor and is still pastoring. I no longer attend the church, and I really haven't been a member at another church since this occurred (It's going on 4 years now). I would of thought that someone called to the ministry as a pastor/prophet would've already reconciled this issue by now or at least called to find out where I am and how I'm doing. But nothing. It's as if they never knew me, much less as a member of their congregation. It's really sad. I don't expect leaders to be perfect by any means or anybody else for that matter. I'm beginning to realize at this point, they will probably never apologize for what they did. So I decided to just forgive and hand it over to God. I've been thinking about at least trying to reach out to them just for the sake of closure for myself, because it has affected my relationship with God. Would that be a bad idea or should I just leave it alone? I'd really appreciate some advice and prayer concerning this matter especially if you've dealt with this before. Thanks in advance.

it might make it worse if you approach them.

sometimes I can't try to feel good, via others feeling good about me.

u can't fogive in your own self anyway, that takes grace, look at is though you already forgave them in Christ, with his forgiveness, and just let your emotions run their own course, feelings are not sin, they are a normal reactions to the event.

 

[rdclmn72]

There's always another church down the street.
Don't let that one bad church experience poison your life any further, find another place to worship and God will fill the void created.

 

[mrhappy3]

I'm afraid OFFENSES take their toll....and unless we get to the stage where we can TAKE THEM ON THE CHIN - they will get us down continually. Maybe I'm fortunate, I am not un-feeling, but I have taken some serious hits over the years, and have settled in my heart NOT to let them get me down. I wanna slap the devil, the world, and the sin in people square on the jaw and declare - no matter what - 'I'm gonna suffer it for you Lord ! - you done me no wrong !

 

[jazzypooh]

Thanks everyone. I really do appreciate all the responses. If I could hug you all I would.

 

[Hishandmaiden]

My pastor in my ex church used to gossip about me, and that hurt me greatly.
Yet, I am also indebted to him.
He preached many sermons that really spoke to me.
I have forgiven him for what he did and had since moved on with my life.

 

[Yitzchak]

Hey CF,

I haven't been on here in forever (shame on me). But I've been dealing with some things, and I wanted to get another opinion about it. I'm pretty sure everyone here has dealt with church hurts to some degree or another. If not, you probably will. But I'm a little conflicted about it. I know probably the best thing is just to let it go and move on, but I'll admit it's hard. I need closure. I've been praying and asking God to give me closure, and I'm believing Him for that. Would it be a bad idea to let this other person know how I feel and how their actions affected me? I don't really want to go into specific details about what they did, but this person is a pastor and is still pastoring. I no longer attend the church, and I really haven't been a member at another church since this occurred (It's going on 4 years now). I would of thought that someone called to the ministry as a pastor/prophet would've already reconciled this issue by now or at least called to find out where I am and how I'm doing. But nothing. It's as if they never knew me, much less as a member of their congregation. It's really sad. I don't expect leaders to be perfect by any means or anybody else for that matter. I'm beginning to realize at this point, they will probably never apologize for what they did. So I decided to just forgive and hand it over to God. I've been thinking about at least trying to reach out to them just for the sake of closure for myself, because it has affected my relationship with God. Would that be a bad idea or should I just leave it alone? I'd really appreciate some advice and prayer concerning this matter especially if you've dealt with this before. Thanks in advance.

There is a lot that could be said. But the thought that comes to mind for me having been through similar hurts is this. The Pastor sounds like they have hardened their heart towards you and/or the situation , at least in part.

Now people harden their hearts for different reasons. Sometimes they have their own hurts or their own fears and issues and it is not really personal meaning they might do it to many people who fall into whatever category that you fell into that set them off.

More importantly , people soften their hearts for different reasons. Some people, it is just their pride and if you apologize first , they let their guard down. Others , it takes a miracle from God.

Anyway, I have found that with each person , it can be different motives and issues. The thing that you can say with a high degree of certainty is that as it stands , this pastor has hardened their heart towards you. As you pointed out , the norm would have been to contact you to see how you are.

If it turns out that they are hurt and their defenses are up , then there is hope but only with prayer and in the right timing. One cannot force someone who is hurt and defensive to open themselves up to someone they are offended at.

Only you can decide if it is worth it to open that can of worms. It could make it better or worse. hard to say.

 

[tobethebest]

I think I've written this particular experience once before, yet it fits the topic well. My wife, though Catholic through and through, has attended a few different churches with me in the past. Our reasons were specifically to receive healing or that we might hear a word from God that would encourage us during her decade of pain.

That day we arrived for the service she elected not to take her medication for reasons she felt right about. During the alter call for healing my wife went forward to be prayed for. There was a long line for her to have to wait in and I wasn't sure that she should have gone forward. It was when she fell that I knew I was right and that she should have taken her medication that morning.

I immediately went down front to help my wife off the carpeted floor, so I could take her to the car where her pills were in the glove box. The pastor's wife ran up to me and yelled "Leave your wife right where she is, God is working with her." I responded that I appreciated her concern, but that I preferred I help her to the car to get her the help she needed at that time. Three other women followed me as I helped my wife up and outside to receive her meds, and the entire time it took us, these three women were actually yelling at me and attempting to convince my wife that I was wrong.

Finally we were inside our car. I immediately started it and fled a distance far enough to care for her. She took her usual morning medications and before we arrived home she was her old self again. She thanked me and admitted that she had gotten dizzy and that her pain levels were staggering. Neuropathy will take her ability to walk, away from her and in combination with fibromyalgia it is very difficult to manage.

We never went back to that Assembly of God church, though we had attended it for several weeks. We liked the lay-out of the church and found many people to be openingly honest and friendly. The pastor's wife, on the other hand, was looking for a freak show at my wife's expense.......

Presently, my wife has returned to her roots, the Catholic faith and I admit I love the beauty of the church, though not much else. There is so much beauty both inside and outside of the church that I really enjoy; the stained glass, the large model of Jesus on the cross in the center of the church, the echoed hallways, its' all very nice. It sure is different from my Charismatic beginnings.