OK, so I came out of the meeting with the elders, the associated pastors, and the head pastors. In this meeting they went into depth concerning the decision to subject my husband and I to discipline.
As some one else stated, yes the party was the straw that broke the camels back. According to them, this was a long time coming...
...After they finished laying out all the charges and evidence they got onto the topic of restoration and reconciliation. They said that in order for my husband to receive reconciliation he has to do the following
1)return to church and attend Sunday services
2)commit to a minimum 15% tithe
3)public apology for his behavior and a special apology to the family with whom he has the Tonka truck grudge
3)disband the Companions and shared the gospel with them
4)assist the young man with whom he has the Tonka truck beef with finding employment
5)immediately cease teaching Kung-fu and renounce the xaio kun style (I pointed out that the xaio kun is a family tradition and that maybe they should ask my father in law where my husband learned the technique to begin with)
They said for me to receive reconciliation I need to do one of two things. I could either 1)compel my husband to seek reconciliation (very very unlikely )
Or
2) submit to a year of "women's peer counseling" and be under discipline until the year is complete.
I've been following most of what you've written. My sense is that this is a messy situation that has been building for some time. Things that should have been dealt with years ago have slowly built up to the breaking point. Something I didn't catch onto earlier is that your families have roots in a different culture that may have different family expectations than many of us who have posted. This is now a combination of generational, cultural, and religious expectations playing itself out. What makes it especially difficult is that all parties have some amount of good motives and love toward each other as well as mistakes on their hands. (I just read your latest replies which came in while I was writing this, I'll leave this paragraph in though it's redundant now.)
I truly do commend you for doing what you can to reconcile things and still having the desire to do so. You are trying to navigate tension between your husband, your siblings, your parents, in-laws, life-long social circles of friends, and your faith home.
Hang in there. Some things in life are worth working for and restored relationships with family and friends are among those. Please take care of yourself spiritually. It's easy to let one's own prayer times, and bible reading slip when under a lot of stress.
I think one of the key things in all of this is your husband. Reading between the lines of what you've written, it sounds like he is a charismatic, talented, hard-working, and energetic person with many good qualities. However, I fear that he has some weak spots that might potentially harm him in the long run and cause a lot of hurt to those around him, including you.
It sounds like your husband is a skilled practitioner of Kung-fu (and xaio kun). I would assume such skill could only come about with much work and dedication to it over many years. I can understand how an exhibition of such skills would be an honorable thing to do to the art of it and respecting those who've been masters and students in the past. But being intoxicated and using one's mastery as a betting challenge against someone (probably of lesser skills)? This gives the impression of either someone who is cruel or someone who is deeply conflicted within.
Has he become bitter about some things? Having passion and strong feelings can be a strength. But, a lack of forgiveness (over something that was a real injury caused by someone else) can slowly rot a person within over time without them realizing it. Bitterness can pervert and misdirect our strengths in bad directions. Some of what you wrote suggests that he has hung onto some things from the past long after it is healthy to do so. If he has indeed become bitter toward his parents or others, this is not something that can be left alone that will take care of itself. If so, it's going to take a conscious act of forgiveness on his part to let go of things from the past and to move forward. Over time, bitterness becomes a habit of feeling and thought. It starts to spill over into more and more areas of one's life. I do not write this as a certainty, only as an impression.
(Please bear with me here, I'll get to the point.) I once lived through the aftermath of a nasty church split. Our understanding is that the pastor and board called for each other's resignations and the congregation split down the middle. It had happened 5 years before we got there, but there was continuing fighting and strife of an unimaginable level. They had gone through 4 pastors in 5 years. The first church business meeting consisted of people literally standing up and yelling at each other with pro-pastor and anti-pastor voting blocs. I once saw an elder (who was a pillar of the church) become so angry at the pastor that veins were literally pulsing in his forehead while he was yelling at him. We tried to make a difference for about 4 years before giving up and leaving. I learned a lot (via the hard way) during this time. In hindsight, what had happened, was that many people had been hurt and felt betrayed during the initial split. They were caught in a power struggle out of their control. A few of them had never forgiven the original pastor and had never dealt with their hurt. As a result, over time, a few of them became so embittered, that they were incapable of ever trusting any pastor again. No pastor is perfect, and there were a few embittered "pillars of the church" who would spend their time talking among each other about every shortcoming and fault of each pastor. They had created a situation where they could never be happy with any pastor again.
Bitterness is a horrible thing when it takes root and is allowed to grow. It will contaminate all of the relationships. It will set friends against friends and families against families. It will cause Christians to act in an unChristlike manner and do things they might not otherwise do. It will reach out and suck people in who had nothing to with it before. The scary thing is that bitterness often starts with a justified reaction against an unjustified hurt or injury between a few people. It then can start growing out of control like a cancer.
Again, I respect your love and loyalty toward your family and social group. If the "peer counseling" is from some wise and loving women who have your best interest at heart and do deeply care for you, this could be a positive thing that will help you grow. It might be a chance of forming some new relationships or strengthening old ones. An entire year free of responsibilities of ministry could be a time to focus on personal growth and helping your husband grow. Sometimes God puts us on an enforced vacation or sabbatical for our own benefit.
This whole situation is much more complicated than a "stay at a church" versus "find a new one". Perhaps, you can do some combination of both. You could go to your church on Sunday morning and something else at other times with your husband. Some churches have non-traditional services or small group meetings at times other than Sunday morning. Perhaps you could find a church your husband would like and go with him. It might help him a lot to be able to separate his own spiritual life from his relationships with his parents.
May God grant you wisdom and guidance in your next steps. May He restore and strengthen your ties with those you love. May He grant you peace of mind and spiritual growth. May He reach out and touch your husband and turn him into the man He intends him to be. May He restore love and peace between your husband and his father. In Jesus' Name.
