Church conflict, and how to love in an argument

[Paidiske]

At my parish's recent planning day, they identified as one of their goals for the coming year that they want to work on doing conflict in a healthy way, and being able to love one another yet disagree.

I think that's a fabulous goal, but I'm a bit stumped as to the best approach to working on it. Can anyone recommend any books, articles, resources, or other food for thought, on how to help a church community do conflict well?

 

[Gregory Thompson]

At my parish's recent planning day, they identified as one of their goals for the coming year that they want to work on doing conflict in a healthy way, and being able to love one another yet disagree.

I think that's a fabulous goal, but I'm a bit stumped as to the best approach to working on it. Can anyone recommend any books, articles, resources, or other food for thought, on how to help a church community do conflict well?

depends on the tradition, some issues are a no go depending.

I'd recommend resources on spiritual mind and heart renewal. The more like God people become, the less minor differences matter.

 

[SkyWriting]

At my parish's recent planning day, they identified as one of their goals for the coming year that they want to work on doing conflict in a healthy way, and being able to love one another yet disagree.

I think that's a fabulous goal, but I'm a bit stumped as to the best approach to working on it. Can anyone recommend any books, articles, resources, or other food for thought, on how to help a church community do conflict well?

Yes, and only two words are needed. I started this response with the two words needed to change minds and hearts. Just respond to me with those two words, and you'll have started on the road to peace and understanding.

 

[jacks]

I think it is helpful to go back to your mission or goals. The conflict usually comes with how to reach those goals. Maybe start with "what are we trying to accomplish"? If you can get agreement on that, then it is a good start.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

At my parish's recent planning day, they identified as one of their goals for the coming year that they want to work on doing conflict in a healthy way, and being able to love one another yet disagree.

I think that's a fabulous goal, but I'm a bit stumped as to the best approach to working on it. Can anyone recommend any books, articles, resources, or other food for thought, on how to help a church community do conflict well?

It's been years since I've studied Conflict Resolution, Paidiske, and being that you're a certified and ordained Pastor, I'm not sure what I could offer you. I have to chuckle at your request because of all people here on CF, I'd think that you'd pretty much have all of that kind of thing in the bag.

What part of it has you stumped?

 

[tall73]

At my parish's recent planning day, they identified as one of their goals for the coming year that they want to work on doing conflict in a healthy way, and being able to love one another yet disagree.

I think that's a fabulous goal, but I'm a bit stumped as to the best approach to working on it. Can anyone recommend any books, articles, resources, or other food for thought, on how to help a church community do conflict well?

An interesting exercise that I saw used once, and then used at one of our churches was helpful in a situation in which the church history was full of conflict.

You start each person with a piece of posterboard, and a stack of stick-it-notes. Then tell them to make a stick it note for every significant event of their life, and place them chronologically into periods of time (early life, midlife, etc.)

This sounds daunting, but folks actually took to it well and filled up the whole board with different incidents. Let them know if there is something in particular that they don't want to share they can leave it off or put it in code.

Then have folks review their board and see how God has been involved throughout the different ups and downs of life. Ask them to reflect on any patterns. And then give them time to think about what God may want next for their life.

Once they have done that, have each person share their board, and story with one other person at their table group, then switch. This gives people a chance to reflect on their life, where it has been, where it is headed, and how God has been involved and led them.

People often find insights about their own life, and the life of the person they share with.

After this (often at a different session), have the church do the same with their church history, but as a group. Have a larger banner with a page for each item. And the group brainstorms the good times, difficult times, blessings, and conflicts in their past. This creates a timeline of the church to think about. They reflect on where God has brought them as a group, and often times have opportunities to reflect on past struggles and see them in a new light.

It then can be used as a way to discuss where God may want the congregation to go in the future.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

At my parish's recent planning day, they identified as one of their goals for the coming year that they want to work on doing conflict in a healthy way, and being able to love one another yet disagree.

I think that's a fabulous goal, but I'm a bit stumped as to the best approach to working on it. Can anyone recommend any books, articles, resources, or other food for thought, on how to help a church community do conflict well?

I don't have anything extensive to pass on here, but I will say that on a personal level, one book I read back in the late 1990s which was relevant to the issue of working toward resolution and peaceful interaction with other Christians was Jerry Sittser's book, "Loving Across Our Differences" (1995).

Just about anything by him is useful and fairly substantive on a lay level. From what I see on Amazon, Sittser has a newer book as well that he published back in 2008, "Love One Another: Becoming the Church Jesus Longs For."

Maybe one of these would be useful to you and your church group?

 

[lismore]

Conflict resolution- preach the gospel.

All the believers were one in heart and mind (Acts 4:32)

 

[Paidiske]

It's been years since I've studied Conflict Resolution, Paidiske, and being that you're a certified and ordained Pastor, I'm not sure what I could offer you. I have to chuckle at your request because of all people here on CF, I'd think that you'd pretty much have all of that kind of thing in the bag.

What part of it has you stumped?

Shucks, thanks.

I guess I'm not really sure what it is driving that request, and how best to tackle it. (I'm still very new in this parish, only got here last November). It seems to me that on the whole they actually do conflict well. There's no big issue currently presenting as a locus of conflict. It seems to be more a reaction to historical conflict, and a desire not to fall back into that when the next issue arises? But because I don't know what the issue behind the issue is (if that makes sense), I'm a bit unsure.

Also, I think because this seems to be not an issue just to do with, say, the parish council and particular leaders, but a whole-of-congregation thing, and I'm not sure how to tackle an issue like that with that group when no matter what I do, I'll only ever get a portion of them participating.

If that makes sense?

 

[GreekOrthodox]

Paidiske, are you referring to the typical parish cliques that form around particular issues, "we can't renovate the parish garden since my family started it?" type of thing?

 

[Paidiske]

Paidiske, are you referring to the typical parish cliques that form around particular issues, "we can't renovate the parish garden since my family started it?" type of thing?

Well, as I say, I'm not quite sure what concern prompted the congregation to put this forward as something to work on!

 

[bèlla]

I read this a couple of months ago. It was very good and edifying. The sort of book a congregation can read and discuss.

I’m sure you’ll do fine. Congrats on the new post.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

 

[GreekOrthodox]

Not sure what to recommend for resources. Quietly finding out some of the history might be in order so as to avoid sensitive topics. Fiddler on the Roof might be your guidance:

"And among ourselves, we get along perfectly well. Of course, there was the time when he sold him a horse, but delivered a mule, but that's all settled now. Now we live in simple peace and harmony and..."
"It was a horse."

"It was a mule."

Horse!
Mule!
Horse!
Mule!
Tradition, tradition... Tradition
Tradition, tradition... Tradition

 

[Bobber]

At my parish's recent planning day, they identified as one of their goals for the coming year that they want to work on doing conflict in a healthy way, and being able to love one another yet disagree.

I think that's a fabulous goal, but I'm a bit stumped as to the best approach to working on it. Can anyone recommend any books, articles, resources, or other food for thought, on how to help a church community do conflict well?

Well the fact that they want to be strengthened in this area shows a good level of spiritual maturity right there. The answer to what to do of course depends on what is the issue at hand. Many things could be said about this. Here's one thing all should have a consciousness that we have a Command by the Lord to love one another. Not a suggestion, or a good idea....a Command. He brought it to this level for he knew there would always be maybe times when one certainly wouldn't feel like showing it.

Also we must commit to praying to the Lord asking for his wisdom and revelation about whatever issue be revealed to all. If two are at odds concerning whatever here's what I'd do. I'd tell the other I'm praying for both of us that the Lord would impart to us his wisdom and insight. I pray that for you and you pray that for me and we cast that burden over on the Lord and thank him for the answer. That right there keeps us in LOVE. What could happen is God might impart to either one of us that no we're wrong the other is right OR maybe the Lord could say, "Well you're both somewhat wrong and right and here's how you should think about it." So when we come up to these stumps where we disagree we commit to the way of LOVE and not strife in dealing with them.

Scripture also states about bringing issues up to other mature brethren as well and seek to get a consensus from them what they feel the Lord might be saying. It shows great maturity not to display a sense of only being self willed and that all are open to correction. As I say good thing about your congregation for the very reason they've asked for help shows they're on a good way of thinking.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

Shucks, thanks.

I guess I'm not really sure what it is driving that request, and how best to tackle it. (I'm still very new in this parish, only got here last November). It seems to me that on the whole they actually do conflict well. There's no big issue currently presenting as a locus of conflict. It seems to be more a reaction to historical conflict, and a desire not to fall back into that when the next issue arises? But because I don't know what the issue behind the issue is (if that makes sense), I'm a bit unsure.

Also, I think because this seems to be not an issue just to do with, say, the parish council and particular leaders, but a whole-of-congregation thing, and I'm not sure how to tackle an issue like that with that group when no matter what I do, I'll only ever get a portion of them participating.

If that makes sense?

That makes perfect sense (but then again, I feel like I'm preaching to the choir in saying what I'm about to say ... )

The first thing I'd do is gently prompt all of them to share where they feel that possible conflict may lie (i.e. within family, or in national politics, or in the local community, or within the church, etc.). Maybe offer your parishioners a brief, anonymous survey presented with an upfront statement of purpose informing them and reminding them of what you're all wanting to learn better to do.

Once you think you've gathered enough input from them, then you can decide if you want to simply preach a series, or focus on some shorter interactive activities in whatever Sunday School type gatherings or other weekly sessions you all may have. It's probably too much to ask them all to read a 150+ page book together and really get something out of it.

Have you had any additional thoughts on how you'll get them to participate?

 

[Paidiske]

Have you had any additional thoughts on how you'll get them to participate?

Not so far, but all the discussion is helpful for me to ponder, thank you.

 

[The Liturgist]

Not so far, but all the discussion is helpful for me to ponder, thank you.

I have an idea, but its untested, but it might work: have them sign written promises to be kind to each other, to act in a Christian manner, to make sure everyone gets a chance to speak, to not talk about members behind their backs, and also have them read and avow or affirm these promises on video on your mobile. When they fail, and it is not a matter of if, you call them to repentance by showing them the video. You also would avoid singling out members as much as possible, unless someone is an extreme troublemaker and consistently violates the pledge and causes problems for the committee, in which case it would be appropriate to enter executive session under Robert’s Rules of Order, or the Anglican canonical equivalent, to censure them, and if they do it again, ask for their resignation or fire them if you can. But that would be a worst case.

I expect they would fail to keep to the agreement on multiple occasions, but a famous Orthodox monk ( @GreekOrthodox would know who ) described the Monastic life as “We fall down, and then we help each other up.” I think this applies to parish life and is an ideal way to look at Christian life in general; we sin, but then we repent, we seek forgiveness, and we ask God to bless us and deliver us from the raging passions that control sin.

 

[Paidiske]

Thanks, but I don't think I'm looking for a disciplinary approach. More of an encouraging/equipping/enabling one.

 

[Halbhh]

At my parish's recent planning day, they identified as one of their goals for the coming year that they want to work on doing conflict in a healthy way, and being able to love one another yet disagree.

I think that's a fabulous goal, but I'm a bit stumped as to the best approach to working on it. Can anyone recommend any books, articles, resources, or other food for thought, on how to help a church community do conflict well?

Listening well -- the parts of listening well -- are it seems half or more of the most key things for good discussion.

We have a list we use at our discussing table, which I can't find at the moment, but from memory that kind of list of good talking rules will have things on it like:

Listen fully, and then ask questions to clarify what the person said.

No one is wrong in their viewpoint.

Validate and/or accept their concerns.

It's like half or even more of what you need is just good listening, basically.

You want to make the person feel heard. Instead of feeling their point of view is discounted, it should feel ideally to them they are given as much regard as if it was your own feelings being discussed.

That's an act of love, potentially. It is best if it is love. We care about them, and that's why their feelings are important enough to us to really be heard and respected.

 

[The Liturgist]

Thanks, but I don't think I'm looking for a disciplinary approach. More of an encouraging/equipping/enabling one.

I believe you saw my message before I had finished typing it. That said, I realize my proposed means of restoring order was heavy handed; all you would have to do is gently remind the committee, if they started bickering, that they had promised not to, after coming to you to ask for a solution.

I am actually opposed to “church discipline” as a general principle, and there are very few things that would cause me to refuse someone communion, and nothing could persuade me to “disfellowship” someone. I am particularly opposed to the church discipline advocated by 9Marks, but that is a subject for another thread.

In the past year, despite Coronavirus, I was able to get two qualified congregants to serve as Ruling Elders, which is a huge relief, because I have a great fear of unintentionally causing harm, and the risk was massively increased when my control of the church was unilateral.