Being an anonymous voice in a public forum I realize what I have to say carries very little weight. I in no way wish to play counselor knowing that if there is anything of value in what I have to say that it comes from Him and not me.
Having said that I will use some of what you yourself have said. Pride is at the center of all our problems/sin and it separates us from God/loved ones/fellowship/people. God is in charge of it all and nothing is beyond His fixing...He simply is waiting on you but what He is waiting for from you is between the two of you. I imagine it may be as simple as surrendering the the situation. I can say with confidence that He wants you back in fellowship...maybe at your old church or He would lead you to a new one.
I have been attending Calvary Chapel for year simply because they teach the Bible and share the gospel, nothing else, just the basics. I too spent a long period of time out of church but about 2 yrs ago I went back to my old church...it was hard but things had changed for the better...in both I and the church. Its not perfect but I am where God wants me, to grow where He has planted me. That doesn't mean I don't struggle with my pain and limitations and how some ppl perceive me but I am staying put come hell or high water. YOU NEED A CHURCH YOU CAN CALL HOME! I say this with all the love and care He can muster in me for "I" wasted many years (man, years) being bitter about my circumstances because "I" choose to be bItter rather than become bEtter.
I can recommend the Calvary in your town but where ever it is that you can be comfortable you need to be plugged in...you are a coal out of the fire...Paul made it clear that we are to be in fellowship which is no simple matter and can at times be both painful and fulfilling all at the same time.
As to getting the help you need and deserve from the govmt God can fix those things in a heart beat and show Himself strong on your behalf. Ask Him what it is He wants from you and do it. Place this trial at His feet and trust Him. No name it and claim it...no blab it and crab it...just with the the faith He gives you to trust and believe He loves you and is with you...He has never left you during this trial but for what ever reason He is letting you/me run out of our own strength getting to the end of our ropes, the bottom of the barrel, flat on our back where the only place to look is up.
I can't think of anything else which is probably a good thing but know this, I can relate, I have worked since I was 10 and the jobs I have done have left me near crippled and only by the grace of God can I still go to my current job. I have been out of fellowship for long periods, I have no friends just my family but I am trying myself to be thankful for what I do have. I wish I could simply say a prayer and yours and my problems where gone...but this is boot camp...boot camp for heaven. He says His righteous ones will never go hungry, He will take care of you...I don't know what that will look like but He is with you and loves you.
Hope the new year is just that for you.
Lord bless
Thanks for the support Pum. I would love to find the right church, maybe I could go back on meds. I'm currently in stage 3 of my illness and don't even want to go outside. My nerves are so hyper that even slight wind, clothes, taking showers will about bring you down. I was once very active in my illness support group and go about once a month when someone picks me up. Sadly this illness has a high suicide rate in stage 3 even on strong meds. Nothing in me wants to die. I would hate to hurt others by doing that, but often like many others I've known , I fear in one of my panicked states of pain I may in that moment. I've come so close so many times. I try hard to stay focused on my sons face in those moments of weakness.
I think the most difficult thing through this is dealing with God. I've had my faith tested and totally broken so many times you just go numb. It's hard to explain to people. In the past Christian friends offered much the same advice and most ill do try and put it to use. One of the strongest men I knew, a 25 year pastor took his life a few months ago. His nerve damage was in his eyes, it became so painful he had them removed, but the pain remained. I think he fought a good fight as long as he could. What makes you mad is people think he lacked faith, gave up, ect...it's not that, it's that severe pain can drive you insane...and he had a whole church behind him paying his bills and taking care of him. For most in stage 3 you end up going insane or in bed on a constant morphine drip living as a zombie.
I think most could deal with pain or poverty alone, it's just facing both. I think what becomes difficult is it's such a slow progression and each year you lose a lil more until you're left with nothing but being alone and in pain and God becomes silent on the issue. You lose jobs, family has to move, homes, ect.. Many get kicked out of their homes, then past around to overcrowed social services full of red tape, until they can't deal with that and give up. I honestly think the world can never be right for some no matter how hard they try.
A lucky few get great medical care, but due to having rich relatives and I've seen them talking about how God got them through, how their faith became strong, ect... For the majority of us, we can't see God in it.
It's easier to say fate is doing this to me. Most stop praying for healing and just pray they will eat that day and often not. Many ask, why would God help others and not me...in the end most just try to hang on to a shred of faith to die with, but I've known many that became bitter. I try and not be bitter towards God. I do know much of God as study will allow, 4 years of bible college in my 20's, past youth minister, ect. It was much easier to explain suffering than to deal with it. In the end I can find no real answers to why some suffer more than most would in 10 lifetimes. If you saw good endings like Job maybe it would make more sense, I've just seen too many bad endings.
I loved my wife and son more than I can say and watching the day they moved away was worse than any pain I live with. We didn't want that, but that was the only way they could survive. She probably would've stayed, but I wasn't gonna watch them live in complete poverty over me and our home was in foreclosure so it was a matter of time...Heck, I ain't made a payment in over a year, but I'm still here, so I'm thankful for that. I cried in the bathroom floor for days cussing God with every possible word I could think of.... Course I was hoping he would kill me, but I would hope he understands enough that people say things out of hurt.
In the end for me it was no longer about my pain. I guess when you live with illness you become tuned in to the illness of others. Complain as I do I have seen people way worse off. I've been to several suicides done by people in my support group. We don't hear from them, so we go check. Most end up in section 8 housing alone. I've been in some houses where people were living off dog food and took their lives the hard way, not having a gun to do so....ain't pretty...but we love them. Then you think of millions of people living in this world just starving to death...I know people suffer much more in this world than I. It's like why should I expect God to help me, if he can watch all this suffering and do nothing. I can only assume God uses man to do his work and few are willing, but then again God being God, he could wink and change it.
In all that I've seen, I am unable to make sense of all the suffering that happens to people that don't deserve it. I've read much of Mother Teresa, not that we agree on much doctrine, but truly a woman that loved to help the suffering. In the end she admitted almost total lack of belief in God and became agnostic. I guess you pray for years with dying children in your arms it becomes difficult. That is what is happening to me. I keep searching for faith, but can't make sense of all this suffering. I know people say God will end it all one day, but that doesn't help much to the people going through it now.
I think like many, the biblical message is twofold, one side answered prayer, God meeting needs, valleys and hills. Still, the bible is full of those that suffered until death, so we know God works both ways, it's just hard to reconcile it at this time. My favorite verse has become "Fear not him that is able to kill the body." The fact is I think you would go mad if you kept trying to find an answer to the suffering question.
I'll continue to hang to hope..not that I expect healing, just love to get medical care enough to deal, somehow work again and know that my wife and son are in the same house. If not, I just want them to be able to move on and find happiness.
Enough ranting, thanks for listening and for your kind words of support. Nice to be able to even rant to someone once in awhile.