Christians and abuse

[KayScarpettaFan]

I would like to have your opinions and also verses from the Bible about the right attitude of a Christian when faced with abuse. I am thinking especially domestic and psychological abuse. Is assertiveness non-Christian? Is self-defense non-Christian?Too many people are convinced of this. Too many times women in abusive marriages are advised to stay in the name of jesus.

So, what do you think?

 

[Dave L]

I would like to have your opinions and also verses from the Bible about the right attitude of a Christian when faced with abuse. I am thinking especially domestic and psychological abuse. Is assertiveness non-Christian? Is self-defense non-Christian?Too many people are convinced of this. Too many times women in abusive marriages are advised to stay in the name of jesus.

So, what do you think?

In Acts Christians always fled abuse (persecution). But in marriage, it is for life so separation is good in abusive situations but divorce and remarriage is not.

 

[Sabertooth]

That is such a difficult topic. Are you being abused, or is this a hypothetical question?

If it is just hurt feelings, we can't get away from that. That is just part of being married to another sinner. And we do it to each other.

If your life is at risk, however, get to a safe place quickly. Being a willing victim is not part of anyone's marriage vows, male or female.

Once you are away, then you can begin to consider your long-term options before God. I'm not sure there is a one-size-fits-all answer for every situation, but it's hard to hear God when you are on the defensive all of the time.

 

[Sabertooth]

For what it's worth, the abuser is actually breaking the traditional wedding vows, "...to love and to cherish, till death do us part,..." Though it should be noted that they are extra-Scriptural.

In one sense, that could be considered grounds for divorce, but God should certainly be consulted first. The abusive spouse could have a brain tumor (sickness & health) and the problem could go away with surgery, for instance.

 

[Dave L]

For what it's worth, the abuser is actually breaking the traditional wedding vows, "...to love and to cherish, till death do us part,..." Though it should be noted that they are extra-Scriptural.

In one sense, that could be considered grounds for divorce, but God should certainly be consulted first. The abusive spouse could have a brain tumor (sickness & health) and the problem could go away with surgery, for instance.

Divorce was an Old Testament provision. The New Covenant does not allow for it. Forgiveness is the norm for Christians. If an unbeliever divorces a believer, the believer is not bound (Greek = enslaved) to them, but must remain single.

 

[Sabertooth]

Forgiveness is for after-the-fact, not during. If someone is shooting at you, you don't forgive them between shots. You take cover and try to get them to stop shooting, first. If both parties are still alive, afterwards, THEN you can forgive.

Jesus told us to turn the other cheek for the sake of the Gospel, but not for every other situation that arises. In Romans 13, Paul said that the governing authorities bear the sword as part of God's judgment. If we are in that position, we are expected to do so, too.

 

[HannahT]

In Acts Christians always fled abuse (persecution). But in marriage, it is for life so separation is good in abusive situations but divorce and remarriage is not.

Problem is that when separation occurs? It's normally the church that pressures people to hurry and get back together. Their fear towards separation does more damage than good. Sadly, they never really address or admit that part.

My mother grew up in a family and domestic violence. The pressure to stick it out, and not face the evil that was there? It damaged my mother - the child from this union. I never knew what happened to her as a child until I was adult, and her behavior in many circumstances then made sense if you look at what she had to involuntarily endure growing up. Thankfully, she married a decent man - my father.

What was even sadder is that my grandmother. She died from alzheimer's. When she loss the memory of him, and the abuse she endured for years? She blossomed as person.

The church is real good at pointing out no divorce, but they are really bad at dealing with the realities of this types of dynamics.

 

[KayScarpettaFan]

That is such a difficult topic. Are you being abused, or is this a hypothetical question?

If it is just hurt feelings, we can't get away from that. That is just part of being married to another sinner. And we do it to each other.

If your life is at risk, however, get to a safe place quickly. Being a willing victim is not part of anyone's marriage vows, male or female.

Once you are away, then you can begin to consider your long-term options before God. I'm not sure there is a one-size-fits-all answer for every situation, but it's hard to hear God when you are on the defensive all of the time.

I translated in my language (Italian) Shannon Thomas book "Healing from hidden abuse". I manage a 7,000 Facebook page and a group of self help. I am now happily married but I was in an abusive relationship in the past. My questions get asked a lot, though. And I wanted to hear your opinions

 

[eleos1954]

I would like to have your opinions and also verses from the Bible about the right attitude of a Christian when faced with abuse. I am thinking especially domestic and psychological abuse. Is assertiveness non-Christian? Is self-defense non-Christian?Too many people are convinced of this. Too many times women in abusive marriages are advised to stay in the name of jesus.

So, what do you think?

Scripture recognizes adultery and/or fornication (Matt. 5:32) as well as abandonment by an unbelieving partner (1 Cor. 7:10-15) as grounds for divorce.

There is no direct teaching in Scripture regarding remarriage after divorce. However, there is a strong implication in Jesus’ words in Matthew 19:9 that would allow the remarriage of one who has remained faithful, but whose spouse has been unfaithful to the marriage vow.

1 Corinthians 7

10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If a brother has an unbelieving wife and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has an unbelieving husband and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his believing wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.

So .... it's about divorce .... but ..... separation " A wife must not separate from her husband*. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband.

In abuse cases they should separate. Now how long could that separation last? Until reconciliation occurs or death.

*Believing Husband - Is he in a believing state if he's being abusive? No Can he return to a believing state, yes ... and that would be reconciliation ... and that is demonstrated by time .... give it a lot of time.

It's very difficult .... separation verses divorce. In abusive situations ... separate and the length of separation could be until death. If one commits adultery while separated and this often happens ... they are still without excuse... but then divorce is acceptable under that circumstance according to the Lord.

 

[paul1149]

Is assertiveness non-Christian? Is self-defense non-Christian?

The only time to submit to abuse is when a greater good will be accomplished. This is the pattern Christ left us. He submitted to birth, his parents, the Law, a difficult ministry, and finally the evil Roman cross, all for our salvation. But along the way we see that He submitted to no one - not the pharisees, not the sadducees, not the corrupt Temple system - but indeed opposed them vociferously, and even physically.

 

[KayScarpettaFan]

Then Dietrich Bohnoeffer who fought evil actively was not a good Christian?

 

[paul1149]

Then Dietrich Bohnoeffer who fought evil actively was not a good Christian?

Are you addressing that to me?

 

[KayScarpettaFan]

No. It is a question addressed to anyone.

 

[KayScarpettaFan]

It is not addressed to you, absolutely not

 

[AnnaDeborah]

Allowing someone to continue with the abuse is not beneficial to the victim OR the abuser. If the abuser is willing to undergo counselling, then it may be possible for the relationship ultimately to be restored, but the immediate priority should be protection of the vulnerable. The abuser should be accountable (ideally to church leadership, although most churches want to shut their eyes to abuse within the congregation) and the victim/s not expected to return to the situation until & unless there is clear evidence of change.

My grandfather was abusive - he damaged three generations because no one was willing to admit that a church leader could also be an abuser and everyone was so worried about the 'poor testimony' it would be if 'the world' found out about the abuse. In my view, covering up abuse is a much worse testimony, since at some point, one of the victims is going to speak out, and everyone will know that the church knew what was happening and did...nothing.

It's funny - the Bible is full of verses that speak of God's care toward the vulnerable and the oppressed...yet the church doesn't want to know when the vulnerability and oppression are caused by domestic abuse!

 

[hedrick]

If you're interesting in knowing "the Christian answer" for you web site, there isn't one. It used to be that "don't break up the marriage" was the priority, and even though no one wanted to see abuse, that sometimes led to people not getting help.

I would have said that things have changed, and Christians now believe abuse has to be dealt with. It's not good for the victim, the perpetrator, or the family to allow it to continue, and it's terrible Christian witness. If it doesn't look like recovery is possible, that could lead to divorce. Some of the responses here have been more traditional, but I'm not sure they are typical of current Christian practice. I certainly hope not.

 

[Sabertooth]

It is not addressed to you, absolutely not

If you highlight the sentence that you are responding to and hit reply, it will show up as a quote in your post.

 

[lastofall]

I would like to have your opinions and also verses from the Bible about the right attitude of a Christian when faced with abuse. I am thinking especially domestic and psychological abuse. Is assertiveness non-Christian? Is self-defense non-Christian?Too many people are convinced of this. Too many times women in abusive marriages are advised to stay in the name of jesus.
To "resist not evil" is to not confront nor withstand mistreatment, therefore the attitude must be to take the wrong and forgive, and to "be ye merciful as your Father also is merciful". Mercy is meant for the hard things, not the light things, for the light things bear no harm. Notwithstanding concerning in the marriage if the spouse's behavior is harmful, then has that spouse departed from the marriage in spirit and in truth, just as much as the spouse that commits adultery, because both are immoral behaviors: and God warns the husband to not deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. For such are as the unbelievers, and if the unbelieving spouse departs, then let them depart and be severed.
But again as in all things the Lord would have us first seek to be reconciled by mercy and forgiveness; but if good will is rejected, then is that harmful spouse condemned of his own self, and except he repent, he shall have his portion with the unbelievers and the hypocrites.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

I would like to have your opinions and also verses from the Bible about the right attitude of a Christian when faced with abuse. I am thinking especially domestic and psychological abuse. Is assertiveness non-Christian? Is self-defense non-Christian?Too many people are convinced of this. Too many times women in abusive marriages are advised to stay in the name of jesus.

So, what do you think?

The bible allows for separation in a marriage situation, and in cases where the marriage can not be reconciled divorce. The Christian model for a marriage is love we are told to "love our wives, and not be harsh to them". A Christian who abides by God's word, will do all with in thier power to love, cerish, and support their wives. However as with people in general you will always get a man some where who does not follow the principals of love found in scripture, and may be abusive, either in an emotional or physical way. If they were both believers, and the abuse was strong, I would recommend separation of the husband and wife. While counselling of the husband occurred. If the husband was not prepared to change His ways, there is a biblical provision to no longer class him as a believer, due to his sin. The bible then has provision under the following scripture for divorce to occur legally through scripture.

1Co 7:15 If your husband or wife isn't a follower of the Lord and decides to divorce you, then you should agree to it. You are no longer bound to that person. After all, God chose you and wants you to live at peace.

However this would not occur if the husband changes, only if he remains abusive.

 

[Tolworth John]

I am thinking especially domestic and psychological abuse. Is assertiveness non-Christian? Is self-defense non-Christian?

Domestic abuse violates the marriage contract.
It is never justified and churches/ministers should stress that it is totaly wrong.

The problem is in dealing with it as the abuser doesn't recognise they are at fault, they and the victim blame the victim.