Christian single & childless women 40+, what is our purpose in life?

[SamanthaM]

Hello,

Are there any Christian women here who are around 40 and single? Are you ever struggeling with the question what your purpose is in life? I am 38, I never had a relationship and I am not not looking for a partner. I am coming to the end of my childbearing years, so I am fairly certain that building a family will not be part of my life. I am not unhappy, I am actually quite a joyful person, but I feel at a loss. I have never had any role models of women that stayed ummarried and childless, but otherwise had a normal life (not in ministry, no entrepreneur or academic career etc). The ones I have known always seemed to look back at their lives with disappointment and regret as if something has been missing, and this is not what I hope for in my life. How can I live a fulfilled and productive life? How do I find my role in the world (at an age where most people are already well established)? What help and direction can I expect from God, who has denied me a husband and family? I have always told him that I trust him to give me a different and greater blessing instead, but so far I have not seen what it could be.


I am not looking for comfort, I am very grateful for everything my life has been so far. But I don't see the future, and I don't know what my life is supposed to be, all that time I spend alone seems kind of wasted. Also lingering under the surface a very real and dark despair about being alone must still exist, because last Sunday in church the preacher spoke about marriage and I could not stop crying the entire afternoon. That hit me out of nowhere, I was not aware of that hurt. I guess it is mostly an overwhelming sense of failure. How do I go forward from here? Single ladies around my age or older, I would very much like to hear your thoughts and experiences. Thank you!

Samantha

 

[blackribbon]

Was your "purpose in life" always to find a mate and have a family?

I am 52 (...I think)....and am a widow with almost grown children. I am also having to find a new purpose for my life since I am soon to move beyond the "raising kids" age. I don't think we only have one purpose in life but as we grow up, our purpose grows and changes with us.

The place to start...is what was your purpose yesterday? What has changed today? What kind of dreams has God put in your heart and what kind of steps would it take to move toward those dreams?

 

[dayhiker]

Hi Samantha, Welcome to CF.
I'm an older guy but think I can relate to your feelings.
Often people that are getting older face a loss of a dream or plan that isn't going to come to fulfilment as we get older. Its healthy to grieve that loss.
I got divorce in my mid-50s. I have 2 boys and 3 grandchildren. I don't see them too often. With the divorce and age things were going to change a lot of me. An outline of where I went is: I came to see Christianity in a clear and simple world view. Love God and Love people. The Love God has been a continuation of my whole life. My expression of loving people has been to be a friend to them. That has totally changed my life. So many people are lonely! By taking the initative to be a friend I've had quite an effect on a few people around me.

 

[SamanthaM]

Was your "purpose in life" always to find a mate and have a family?

I am 52 (...I think)....and am a widow with almost grown children. I am also having to find a new purpose for my life since I am soon to move beyond the "raising kids" age. I don't think we only have one purpose in life but as we grow up, our purpose grows and changes with us.

The place to start...is what was your purpose yesterday? What has changed today? What kind of dreams has God put in your heart and what kind of steps would it take to move toward those dreams?

Hello blackribbon, thanks for your reply.

No, I did not start my adult life with the expressed intention of having a mate and a family. Although you have to admit that it is pretty much the standard blueprint for a happy and fulfilled life, isn't it? So I always thought that is what I would end up in, but it did not happen for various reasons. Now what do I strive for instead? The thought I always had about single people is that they must have a special mission or passion that makes their lifestyle worthwhile. But that is not the case with me either. So what am I? Just a normal person with an essential part of normal life missing. I can't find a direction for going forward. Other people are no help: I feel more and more that in their eyes my life is somehow poorer and inferior and they pity me and don't take me seriously. Church is also mostly silent about single life or drastically misrepresents it.

I disagree with you about dreams being a suitable guide. I have always been a realist and dreams are the realm of imagination. I don't have any dreams that are inspirational in nature. Dreams for me are daydreams that tell stories to think about when I am bored, but nothing that I would like to see happen in real life. I have never experienced God speaking to me through my dreams and passions, that channel of communication just does not suit my personality very well

Nothing has changed that makes me suddenly doubt my purpose. I have always lived my life with the best of intentions and right now I feel that I am at a dead end. I would like to be more intentional about how I lead my life, but being on my own makes everything seem so undefined, impulsive, inconsequential. I am looking for guidance but I can't seem to find any. Thinking about it, maybe I am not really looking because I need to deal with some unresolved emotions first, is that possible?

 

[SamanthaM]

An outline of where I went is: I came to see Christianity in a clear and simple world view. Love God and Love people. The Love God has been a continuation of my whole life. My expression of loving people has been to be a friend to them. That has totally changed my life. So many people are lonely! By taking the initative to be a friend I've had quite an effect on a few people around me.

Thank you dayhiker for your perspective. You are right, I can love God and love people independent of my marital status. I have been a friend to many people through the years, and some of those friendships have been very unlikely ones. My friendships never seem to last very long (because I move or they move or marry... such are the times we live in ) but maybe I have left some traces, I certainly remember all of those friends very fondly. Last year I have moved again so I have not been living here long enough to make friends, but I have not made it a priority either. I was too busy with getting my life in order to reach out in any meaningful way. I must change that.

 

[blackribbon]

Hello blackribbon, thanks for your reply.

No, I did not start my adult life with the expressed intention of having a mate and a family. Although you have to admit that it is pretty much the standard blueprint for a happy and fulfilled life, isn't it? So I always thought that is what I would end up in, but it did not happen for various reasons. Now what do I strive for instead? The thought I always had about single people is that they must have a special mission or passion that makes their lifestyle worthwhile. But that is not the case with me either. So what am I? Just a normal person with an essential part of normal life missing. I can't find a direction for going forward. Other people are no help: I feel more and more that in their eyes my life is somehow poorer and inferior and they pity me and don't take me seriously. Church is also mostly silent about single life or drastically misrepresents it.

I disagree with you about dreams being a suitable guide. I have always been a realist and dreams are the realm of imagination. I don't have any dreams that are inspirational in nature. Dreams for me are daydreams that tell stories to think about when I am bored, but nothing that I would like to see happen in real life. I have never experienced God speaking to me through my dreams and passions, that channel of communication just does not suit my personality very well

Nothing has changed that makes me suddenly doubt my purpose. I have always lived my life with the best of intentions and right now I feel that I am at a dead end. I would like to be more intentional about how I lead my life, but being on my own makes everything seem so undefined, impulsive, inconsequential. I am looking for guidance but I can't seem to find any. Thinking about it, maybe I am not really looking because I need to deal with some unresolved emotions first, is that possible?

I didn't mean dreams in the sense of sleeping but more what do you feel are your talents and what would you do iif money wasn't an issue. When my husband died, I was 43 and a stay-at-home mom. I had to redefine my life and find a new purpose ... this time it had to include being able to make a living to support myself and my children. I prayed that God open doors for me and slam others shut to guide me. I knew inside that God was calling me to nursing...and He opened doors that I never thought would be opened and provided a means for me to get here. Now I am waiting to see where God pulls me...my dreams include going to Africa as a nurse, preferable with one of my African nurse friends so they know the language and culture. I also can see myself fosterig older children. Or working with and for my kids helping their career dreams come true. At this point, I don't really know which will be my direction or if God has something entirely different in mind.

When my daughter went to school, she didn't want to major in computers because that seemed too easy to her. I had to explain that they were easy because God had gifted her with a special talent that not everyone else had. The talents that God gives us are sort of the first guide we have in finding our purpose for the moment...or for life.

 

[Heavenhome]

I am 59 never married and things in my life have changed very much in the last two years. I always thought I wouldn't marry for some reason and that has been the case.That has never worried me and I am content with this.
I have found myself more and more lately asking the question of what I should be doing and whether I am pleasing God. And, yes what my purpose is.
In a church scenario I don't fit in with any group really, happily the church I am now at I feel for the first time part of a Christian (it is a small congregation of around 22) family, this has never until now, been the case.
Love God, follow Him, love others, read the Bible, pray and I remind myself to continue to trust that wherever I am in life is where God would have me be.
Is this easy? Not always but I'll keep on.

 

[SamanthaM]

Hello blackribbon,

I understand what you mean by dreams, but for me they have never been guiding lights in my life. I do have talents and passions, but they have so far driven me further away from other people instead of connecting me, because they are usually lonely quests (I do classical oil painting for example). I feel that it is time for me to take steps towards other people more and if that means stepping away from my own passions that is okay.

Thank you for sharing your experiences, it is encouraging to read about your openness for entirely new "adventures", I wish you all the best!

 

[SamanthaM]

Hello Heavenhome, thanks for your reply! I am like you, I have always sensed that I would marry late or maybe never, and that is how it has turned out. I have never actively searched for a mate, and I don't fall in love like other women. I feel weird but that's how I am, I avoid talking about it because no one ever understands. I am grateful for my life and I have had many happy times, but now that I am 38 I cant't help looking back and thinking "What has it all been for?" and it is hard to find an answer because the usual stages people define their lives around usually involve having family, or else some kind of vocation, career, ... I have none of that so my past life - and my future - seems somehow shapeless, undefined. I have asked God but he has been silent, I suspect it would not be good for us to know his purpose for our lives because then we could rely on our own intelligence to fulfill it instead of trusting in him.

I am happy to hear that you found a congregation that is your true spiritual home. I have in the past been lead to both Christian and non-Christian friends that I have felt very close with, I love them all but the times we shared have always ended eventually and have never been permanent (I have moved a lot). I guess in a way it is good that I don't get tempted to define myself through the people I am with - I have always strongly felt that my identity rests in God and the way he sees me (Rev. 2:17) Still, everyone needs a community, and for singles it is sometimes hard to find.

 

[Heavenhome]

SamanthaM your posts are very honest and I think you are doing fine. When things change in life we often question whether we are doing what we are supposed to do or wonder where we are going and it is hard when it seems God is silent. I am talking for myself here, I have found that is when I should simply be patient and rest assured in Him. In this world it seems pressed upon us that we should always know where we are going, have goals, be self sufficient etc but really that is the Satan's lie of us being in charge of our life and relying on ourselves which is the opposite of being Christian where our lives belong to God.

I too, for the most have solitary pursuits which I have always been happy with as I am not a person who needs to be around others.
By the worlds standards I am a failure, no career, some health issues, never married, happily single, no children, no great ambition, the list goes on......
However the love and assurance in Christ makes me feel complete and richly blessed.
Of course there are times I wonder and question what I am doing and its sometimes very hard and then is when it is good to remember " Be still and know that I am God".
Don't feel that you are weird.
Always remember you are unique and very precious to God.
God bless you

 

[SamanthaM]

Hello Heavenhome,

thanks for taking the time to reply again. You are very loving and understanding and your words give me comfort.

>>By the worlds standards I am a failure,
That sounds so severe, but it's true isn't it? I thinks that is what I felt during that sermon in church two Sundays ago when I cried so much. I felt so ashamed because in the eyes of the world and even the church my life amounts to nothing. But as you have described, I am also happy, people who know me in my best moments are saying that I have an almost childlike joy of living, which is true. I think that is why many people don't know what to do with me, and with older singles in general. Aren't we supposed to be unhappy? If we are joyful and content, are we secretly unhappy, are we just putting on an act? Will we not feel out of place in social settings with just couples? Maybe it is better not to invite us. What are we doing with all our free time? We must be selfish or frivolous or just plain boring, etc.... so we are excluded from many social circles. The worst thing though is (speaking for myself) that I start to make the same assumptions for other older Singles. I think they are probably secretly unhappy, so I don't talk to them honestly about my own struggles like I do here anonymously, and don't ask about their lives and feelings and how they are coping, because I don't want to touch on something that might hurt or offend them. How is it for you? Can you talk about what it is like to live alone with friends in real life. Or is it a subject that is entirely and painfully avoided?

It is good to be reminded that my life belongs to God. So I have to be aware that he can do something with my life when the time comes. Sometimes when I am done with my self-pity, I am actually quite comfortable with having to please no one but myself. But I should please Christ and live my life for him, just as any married person or any person in ministry or in any other walk of life.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

How can I live a fulfilled and productive life? How do I find my role in the world (at an age where most people are already well established)? What help and direction can I expect from God, who has denied me a husband and family? I have always told him that I trust him to give me a different and greater blessing instead, but so far I have not seen what it could be.

If I may (being a man after God's heart, and not a woman), for most of your questions,
I think certainly that Corrie ten Boom's life and testimony all of her life (available easily online , in her books and interviews on youtube etc )
is
the best well known and Godly "role model" / "example" that you or any other woman could find.
The main point and strength in her life was very frequent prayer,
talking with the Father in heaven or with Jesus every day, trusting and relying on Him.

 

[SamanthaM]

Hello Jeff, I have read Corries Biography many years ago. It was one of the few biographies I have read, because it was on my parents' bookshelf when I was a teenager. Maybe I could read more biographies, I tend to find them tedious and prefer crime mysteries . Corrie really was a Saint, but what she had to live through in WW2 is horrible. Watching her sister die in the concentration camp. I couldn't imagine... And I love Dutch people, they are great.

 

[dayhiker]

I know my pastor reads biographies all the time for what he learns about how to lead people and mature as a person. I think any reading where one learns from good characters can accomplish the same thing. Or at least a good part of the learning. There there are all the people we meet. I have always felt I learn something from ever person I meet that helps me in life.

 

[rubyinprogress]

Hello blackribbon, thanks for your reply.

No, I did not start my adult life with the expressed intention of having a mate and a family. Although you have to admit that it is pretty much the standard blueprint for a happy and fulfilled life, isn't it? So I always thought that is what I would end up in, but it did not happen for various reasons. Now what do I strive for instead? The thought I always had about single people is that they must have a special mission or passion that makes their lifestyle worthwhile. But that is not the case with me either. So what am I? Just a normal person with an essential part of normal life missing. I can't find a direction for going forward. Other people are no help: I feel more and more that in their eyes my life is somehow poorer and inferior and they pity me and don't take me seriously. Church is also mostly silent about single life or drastically misrepresents it.

I disagree with you about dreams being a suitable guide. I have always been a realist and dreams are the realm of imagination. I don't have any dreams that are inspirational in nature. Dreams for me are daydreams that tell stories to think about when I am bored, but nothing that I would like to see happen in real life. I have never experienced God speaking to me through my dreams and passions, that channel of communication just does not suit my personality very well

Nothing has changed that makes me suddenly doubt my purpose. I have always lived my life with the best of intentions and right now I feel that I am at a dead end. I would like to be more intentional about how I lead my life, but being on my own makes everything seem so undefined, impulsive, inconsequential. I am looking for guidance but I can't seem to find any. Thinking about it, maybe I am not really looking because I need to deal with some unresolved emotions first, is that possible?

Maybe 'dreams' is not the right word for you. Try other words...what are you passionate about? What is your vision for your life? How do you define success? If you got to the end of your life and looked back, how would you know that your life had significance? If you accomplish nothing else in life, what is the one thing you want to do? Try other words and phrases...goals, objectives, meaning, values...to see what works for you as far as asking yourself the question that hits the right issue. It sounds like maybe you have given up on marriage, but that maybe you don't really want to be alone. Have you considered actively seeking a mate? Is there some reason that you don't? I know a lady who didn't marry until in her 50's. A friend of mine met her on a dating site. I don't know if she had been actively seeking a mate at other times in her life, but she was then. I know another woman who got married at 40 and now has a child. She was actively seeking (on a dating site), but ended up being introduced to her now husband by a mutual friend.

 

[SamanthaM]

Hello ruby,

Thanks for your reply and thanks for telling me about your friends. I am always interested in hearing stories of life changes and new beginnings later in life...

You know, this narrative is so pervasive today, that we need to look inside to find our passions, like a treasure we unlock within us, and then have our passions become our goals that will guide us through life. I wonder, is it really true? I thought as Christians, we can live differently: be faithful in the small things and the big story arch of your life is in Gods control. I have always believed that, or is my current questioning a sign that I have stopped believing it at some point? Or was I just too lazy to take charge of my own life and saying God is in control was really just an excuse? But is the truth really "Follow your dreams" and "God helps him who helps himself", that would be rather cynical. I don't know, something in me wants to resist this line of thinking.

I am not seeking a mate, I don't see how it would make sense at this point in my life, not that I couldn't change my mind when I meet "him". But I want to find purpose in my being alone, and not feel that I am wasting my life. Sorry if I am sounding a bit depressed, it's rather late at night over here, Monday morning to be exact.

Samantha

 

[rubyinprogress]

Hello ruby,

Thanks for your reply and thanks for telling me about your friends. I am always interested in hearing stories of life changes and new beginnings later in life...

You know, this narrative is so pervasive today, that we need to look inside to find our passions, like a treasure we unlock within us, and then have our passions become our goals that will guide us through life. I wonder, is it really true? I thought as Christians, we can live differently: be faithful in the small things and the big story arch of your life is in Gods control. I have always believed that, or is my current questioning a sign that I have stopped believing it at some point? Or was I just too lazy to take charge of my own life and saying God is in control was really just an excuse? But is the truth really "Follow your dreams" and "God helps him who helps himself", that would be rather cynical. I don't know, something in me wants to resist this line of thinking.

I am not seeking a mate, I don't see how it would make sense at this point in my life, not that I couldn't change my mind when I meet "him". But I want to find purpose in my being alone, and not feel that I am wasting my life. Sorry if I am sounding a bit depressed, it's rather late at night over here, Monday morning to be exact.

Samantha

I can see your concern about not following the world's pattern of following your dreams, etc. Paul wrote to the Thessalonians to make it their ambition to lead a quiet life. (1 Thess 4:11) But also Paul told Timothy to "fan into flame" the gift that was in him. (2 Tim 1:6) That would take some action on our part. I heard a pastor once use boats as an analogy. The Christian life is not like a rowboat (where we do all the work), nor is it like a powerboat (where we sit back and God does all the work), rather it is like a sailboat where we are responsible to set the sails and put ourselves in a position for God to use us and then He is the wind that moves us.

I do not know the answer to your question about if you stopped believing it. I don't know if you used it as an excuse to not take action. Here's how I look at life. Take what you want of this; it is more philosophical than Scripture though I do see my view in Scripture. (Could be my own bias). We are all created in the image of God. But God is huge and amazing and so multifaceted that no one of us could possibly refect His glory. So instead each of us has a part to play, a tiny spec of paint in the grand portrait of the creator. "Finding your dream" or other phrases are about figuring out the role we personally play in the creation and redemption story.

Everything in Scripture points to each of us having a "purpose" - even unbelievers (clean vessels and unclean vessels, Pharoah's hardened heart, the other nations that conquered the northern and southern kingdoms of Israel, the man born blind that God would be glorified, Paul being a Pharisee and scholar, Peter being a fisherman, both Moses and David being shepherds, etc). Maybe your resistance to believing it is not about laziness or some other issue, maybe believing that the God of the universe has a purpose for YOUR life is too unimaginable. In which case, I would say, work on getting to know what He believes about you rather than whatever defeating lies were planted in your head by various sinners in your past and present. Just thoughts. Please disregard anything that doesn't ring true for your experience.

 

[SamanthaM]

Dear ruby,

These are very valuable and profound thoughts, thank you for sharing them. I think I understand exactly what you mean about how God will use each of his children to give expression to his being and his love in a different way. This in itself is gives a more profound meaning to our lives than any worldly goals ever could. Reading through this thread makes me realize how heavily my thinking is shaped and sometimes poisoned by the ideas and philosphies of the world and it makes me blind to the spiritual truths that God has put into my heart. This is what is hurting me right now, makes me doubt and unable to cope with my situation. I will try to examine my thinking, so I can break free of some of the lies that have crept into my thinking.

Samantha

 

[jaapottery]

Hi Samantha.

First off, I haven't been on here in about 3 yrs, so hello to any of my old friends.

Secondly, I'm gonna be very real about this.
I was married for 9 years and we struggled with infertility. He left me shortly after in the hopes I could find someone who could give me children (amond other reasons). I was 35, I'm not sure what he thought I'd do. Go run out and get knocked up? It took me many years to heal from, what was to me, an out of the blue break up. When I hit 40, I could no longer hold on the hope I once has. It was killing me inside. I gave it to the Lord. I told my friends, who had the best intentions in telling me there was still time, to stop and why. I still have times it hurts and I cry. I had always dreamed of being a wife and mother and now I'm neither. I have found perpous in other ways. I went on a mission trip and plan on doing more. Volunteering at places like feed my starving children. Doing something bigger then yourself.

I fell in love with a great guy. We've been together about 9 months and we're very happy. He had a vasectomy, so there's no chances of children. But he has 3 daughters, 2 grown and 1 who just turned 8. She loves me and I love her too. She may not be mine, but I hope I can be a good influence in her life. I would never try to replace her mom or come between them. If anything, I hope the relationship I have and will have with her will strengthen and encourage a better relationship for them.

There are so many people who need a strong female roll model, that you will find no shortage of loving and nurturing in your life. Be real, be strong, be loving, be you.

God bless, Jill

 

[doglvr]

Hi Samantha, at age 55 and no marriage or children I have asked your questions many times and have experienced painful comments even today about my marital status. I always thought I would make a great mom, that it was my purpose but as a teacher I found many kids I encountered very difficult behaviour wise and got turned off, always glad to come home saying, 'thank God they aren't mine" yet with this great maternal yearning inside. How confusing is that? Long story short...I am a 'mother' of 3 pets....two dogs and a cat. I had another dog who passed at 15, I still have a hard time saying 'died' bc the loss is great, almost as unbearable I would say as losing a child. So that is how my maternal urges got completed and it has given me a purpose rekindling my great love I always had for animals. Now I speak on their behalf, help their charities, have done volunteer work. If animals aren't your thing but you still feel that need to have children you can adopt. This was also suggested to me and something I gave some thought to, but it never resonated with me enough that I wanted to be a single mom, raising a kid at all costs. I didn't have the drive, but for the pets the sacrifice seemed natural, albeit they, like kids can bring on challenges. I still struggle with why I am not married. I have had many opportunities for love and dating. Just hasn't worked out for me yet. Maybe it still will. I think like others have alluded, your purpose comes about all through life. Now my purpose is animals, before teaching I guess. I think it arises from talents, gifts, callings for a stronger word. One thing I am learning as I still struggle with the status quo, hurtful comments, churches that seem not to understand our plights, is to continue trusting God in all adversity, again, not always easy but often after the fact, I will many times say, 'gee now I know why this turned out like this' or 'why that didn't work' If I had only trusted more completely before.