Christian Pastor's Wife Needs Polite, Wise Advice

radioactive7

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I truly need advice from other pastor's wives and/or godly mature women who are genuinely interested in giving wise advice, not merely in having something to say or in wanting to speak to something with which they have little or no experience.

I am the wife of a pastor in a small town. A younger, blonde woman has been attending our church and making it clear to myself and other women by how she acts that she is interested in my husband.

The first day I saw her, she came up to my husband at the door after worship. She brought herself - particularly her face - very close to him, beaming as if smitten, as in: "I have finally found you"! I was standing right next to him at the time. My eyes were riveted - I could not believe this was happening so blatantly, and hoped she had merely temporarily forgotten that pastors often have wives and families. I didn't see my husband's return expression except to say that I didn't see any facial movement out of the corner of my eye.

She continues to attend our church, and the next time she shook both of our hands, but looked unhappy. Not a pout, just unhappy.

The third time she refused to shake either of our hands, and shook instead the hand of a woman on staff who stands at the door with us so that she can get to know and be known by our congregation better.

I have not have not been able to attend the last two services. I usually attend on a regular basis. I do not have anyone in the congregation or staff in whom I can place trust to keep an eye on things (this town is a gossip factory) when I can't be there, so I don't know how she behaves when I'm not there, but my guess is she happily chats with him (I'm not there, after all). My husband has said that he has talked with her before worship, and says he doesn't remember her name.

Now, as virtually any pastor's wife knows, pastors tend to draw women like moths to a flame for a variety of "reasons", so this experience overall is sadly not new to me. What IS new is that she doesn't make it hard to figure out what is going through her mind, and she does this in church. Most of my experiences with this type of situation have been outside of church.

Of course I pray about it, but I am very much in need of advice from pastor's wives or godly older women who have gone through similar situations. I try to keep an eye on her when I am at church and make a point to talk to her during church events, and for the most part I do well, except for the fact that during worship I sit in the front and she (conveniently for her) sits in the back. I am not known for moving around from seat to seat much, or for sitting with specific people (she sits alone in a pew), so to suddenly sit next to or near her would likely appear odd to those who don't know I have an issue with her/her behavior.

As in any marriage my husband and I have had our challenges through the years we've been married, and we love each other. I believe we will grow old together - we are in our 40s. She appears to be in her 20s or early 30s at most.

What should I do? If you have experienced a similar situation, what did you do, and what was the result?
 

Paidiske

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Not a pastor's wife, but in ministry myself.

I don't think you should do anything. Your husband will need to manage his boundaries - avoid being alone with her and so forth - but if he's only seen her at church, and doesn't even remember her name, it doesn't sound as if that's going to be difficult.

If a pastoral crisis arises for her and she wants one on one pastoral care, is there someone else to whom she can be referred? Another church in the town, perhaps?
 
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sdowney717

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I read a lot of personal insecurity in your words.
Have you made this woman feel unloved and unwanted at your church, (the mention of no longer shaking hands). And maybe your presuming and judging way to much about this 'blonde', 'young' woman's true motives?
 
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Albion

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I'm not a pastor's wife, but if you wouldn't mind a brief observation while you're waiting for replies from the members you were looking to hear from...

I compare these two parts of your message:

I am the wife of a pastor in a small town. A younger, blonde woman has been attending our church and making it clear to myself and other women by how she acts that she is interested in my husband.
and

She brought herself - particularly her face - very close to him, beaming as if smitten, as in: "I have finally found you"! I was standing right next to him at the time....She continues to attend our church, and the next time she shook both of our hands, but looked unhappy....
The third time she refused to shake either of our hands, and shook instead the hand of a woman on staff who stands at the door with us ...."

and my feeling is that this is a woman with some mental problems, not the typical pastor-chaser, flirt, etc.
 
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seashale76

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You're making an awful lot of assumptions here. Not every single, young woman is out to get your man. Of course, your husband needs to maintain appropriate boundaries with everyone, regardless. I guess I'm just a little dubious here because one of the biggest failings of the church is how it tends to treat all single women as husband stealers, when nine times out of ten, they are just there for church and fellowship like everyone else.

Not a pastor's wife, but I go to church and have been married to the same man for eighteen years now.

ETA: Single women and women without kids are treated like lepers in a lot of churches. It is unacceptable.

ETA again: If I had to guess, this woman was initially happy to go to a new church and wanted to get to know people. However, her ensuing visible 'unhappiness' and sitting 'alone' in a pew in the 'back' is likely because she's being treated like crap. Well done. You'll likely lose a congregant. I hope she goes elsewhere and finds true Christian fellowship.
 
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Hearingheart

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Wow, I don’t know where to begin with this!


I am the wife of a pastor in a small town. A younger, blonde woman has been attending our church and making it clear to myself and other women by how she acts that she is interested in my husband.



I want to address the gossip issue first for it’s a spirit that is easy for us women to get sucked into. You say this is a small town and gossip runs rampant, well, you will need to overcome it and lead the women of your church to higher ground.

She’s “making it clear to myself and other women…..that she is interested in my husband” So let me get this straight, you are talking to other women about this young lady outside of her presence? That is better known as gossip. Recognize it, be aware of it and stop it.

The first day I saw her, she came up to my husband at the door after worship. She brought herself - particularly her face - very close to him, beaming as if smitten, as in: "I have finally found you"! I was standing right next to him at the time. My eyes were riveted - I could not believe this was happening so blatantly, and hoped she had merely temporarily forgotten that pastors often have wives and families. I didn't see my husband's return expression except to say that I didn't see any facial movement out of the corner of my eye.


Could it be that her statement was just an excitement of finding a pastor and church that that could help her grow? You need to step back and ask the Lord why you are jealous and feeling threatened by her.

She continues to attend our church, and the next time she shook both of our hands, but looked unhappy. Not a pout, just unhappy.


Did you ask if there was anything you could pray with her about? Like it or not, you are part of your husband’s ministry. Seek to build up and support the women of your congregation.

The third time she refused to shake either of our hands, and shook instead the hand of a woman on staff who stands at the door with us so that she can get to know and be known by our congregation better.

So getting to know others in your congregation is a bad thing?

I have not have not been able to attend the last two services. I usually attend on a regular basis. I do not have anyone in the congregation or staff in whom I can place trust to keep an eye on things (this town is a gossip factory) when I can't be there, so I don't know how she behaves when I'm not there, but my guess is she happily chats with him (I'm not there, after all). My husband has said that he has talked with her before worship, and says he doesn't remember her name.



Now, as virtually any pastor's wife knows, pastors tend to draw women like moths to a flame for a variety of "reasons", so this experience overall is sadly not new to me. What IS new is that she doesn't make it hard to figure out what is going through her mind, and she does this in church. Most of my experiences with this type of situation have been outside of church.

Of course I pray about it, but I am very much in need of advice from pastor's wives or godly older women who have gone through similar situations. I try to keep an eye on her when I am at church and make a point to talk to her during church events, and for the most part I do well, except for the fact that during worship I sit in the front and she (conveniently for her) sits in the back. I am not known for moving around from seat to seat much, or for sitting with specific people (she sits alone in a pew), so to suddenly sit next to or near her would likely appear odd to those who don't know I have an issue with her/her behavior.

You need to repent and turn from this mindset of fear and contention, sister. Sorry to be so blunt. I have little patience with leadership that would manipulate, gossip, control and divide. You are there to lead others in the love of our God, to edify and buildup, strengthen and teach. All glory be to the Father!

As in any marriage my husband and I have had our challenges through the years we've been married, and we love each other. I believe we will grow old together - we are in our 40s. She appears to be in her 20s or early 30s at most.

If there is stuff in your marriage that is getting in the way, then the two of you need to talk, pray and work it out and be united so the people under your care don’t get hurt.

What should I do? If you have experienced a similar situation, what did you do, and what was the result?


You don’t say is this young lady comes to church with anyone else, is she is a new Christian, if she is involved with any church group you have going on.


Some people come to church searching and needy. The Lord has placed you in this congregation to be a light and point others toward our Father.

Spend some time meditating on scripture and pray for the Lord to soften your heart towards this young women.

Read Romans 12

1 John 4:7-8

Galations 5:25


I will be praying for the situation and for you and your husband. I know as a pastor’s wife you wear many hats and being in the ministry of a church can be draining. Be aware that the enemy would like nothing better than to bring the two of you down and scatter the sheep.

Perhaps all of this has happened as a way for you to mature and grow more in the ways of God. You are a child of God and He loves you! Blessings to you.
 
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Paul of Eugene OR

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I'm not a pastor's wife, but if you wouldn't mind a brief observation while you're waiting for replies from the members you were looking to hear from...

I compare these two parts of your message:


and

She brought herself - particularly her face - very close to him, beaming as if smitten, as in: "I have finally found you"! I was standing right next to him at the time....She continues to attend our church, and the next time she shook both of our hands, but looked unhappy....
The third time she refused to shake either of our hands, and shook instead the hand of a woman on staff who stands at the door with us ...."

and my feeling is that this is a woman with some mental problems, not the typical pastor-chaser, flirt, etc.

A real possibility. Pray for this woman. She clearly could use some kind of change in her life, and Jesus did suggest that . . .
 
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tturt

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radioactive7, welcome to the forums!

You've every right to be aware of this. One of your positional responsibilities is to guard him. She's already violated personal space. You already know you don't need to give her any ground whatsoever and make sure she doesn't take any. She's acting unhappy, etc to manipulate to get your attention, your interaction to get her foot in the door. Interaction with her needs to be at a bare minimum.

Not a pastor's wife but I've been in leadership. These are my thoughts.

Know you're praying and you need Yahweh's clear direction of how to handle this situation.

This isn't insecurities on your part. Highly recommend that you discuss it with your husband. You have a part in this but primarily he needs to make maximum effort now to stop her efforts. In front of her, he needs to hold your hand, put his arm around you, speak how much he loves you even from the pulpit. He has to make it crystal clear that he is NOT available. Ironic as it can be her interest isn't so much sexual as it is to become very familiar with leadership and work from there. This might help enough to stop her before she goes any further or tries to pursue her agenda. If she isn't successful with him, seal up other avenues of contact such as counseling sessions, committee work, volunteering, teaching, etc.
 
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turkle

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I disagree that it is your responsibility to guard your husband. It is his responsibility to guard his responses to people in the church who may have challenging personalities. If you trust him, you have nothing to guard or be worried about. You are not his watch dog.

My best friend is my pastor's wife. The pastor is a good looking, gregarious and fun man with a winning personality. He has had dozens of women come on to him. But he has eyes only for his wife, and it shows in the way he treats her, both publicly and privately. My friend does not waste one second in worry at all, nor should she.

You sound very insecure. You say you feel a need to "keep and eye on her" and you wish you had others to do so in your absence. To what end? What will that accomplish? What I do know is that if you feel the need to keep an eye on her, it is showing in your facial expressions and body language, even if you are convinced that it doesn't. This woman's behavior may be inappropriate, but she needs Jesus as much as anyone else, and if she sees you and possibly others giving her the stink eye, then she will most likely feel ostracized and leave.

My advice is grace. Give it to her. Be nice to her. Don't treat her any differently than anyone else. Be kind, gracious, patient and loving, as we are instructed to be in scripture.

If you don't trust your husband, then the issue is not the woman at all. If that's the case, you may need to have a conversation with him about why this woman makes you uncomfortable... it's because of HIM. Certainly there are pastors that fall into temptation, and if you believe that your husband has this potential, then deal with him. In the meantime, welcome this woman into your fellowship, and treat her with kindness and respect.
 
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LoricaLady

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I would trust your instincts. If you feel something is wrong about that woman, you could certainly be right. As some have suggested, she might be mental. There is a more sinister possibility. Sometimes witches (who can certainly also be mental) go into Churches just to cause problems.

I cannot tell if you have really let your husband know how seriously you take this woman. I would ask him to please hold hands with you and pray for guidance about her, and for his protection wherever that might be necessary - and not just with her. The Bible says "Be careful when you think you stand, lest you fall."
 
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FoundInGrace

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I don't know her true motives, nor am I a pastor's wife but I have been that young single woman who unfortunately didn't know how to behave around a pastor. My motives weren't to get him or anything I just didnt know what were the correct ways to be around a leader, around authority.
She may be like that.
Just keep treating her like anyone else, she may be embaressed that she overdid it when she first met you guys so the next time she was sad and too embaressed to shake tour hand.. ie trying to keep distance as she'd overdone it the last time.
Sometimes people dont know how to behave. Its as simple as that and being in community is where we learn and make mistakes if we are allowed to then we can grow and learn what is appropriate.
And yes single women are ostracized in churches (obviously this is happening to her if she sits at the back by herself) she's tough to be keeping on going at all.
The pastor and His wife were nice to me just treated me like everyone else. I am still embaressed about how I behaved I didn't want him or anything untoward and it did embaress me that for a time they thought that, i just really was shy and didnt know how to get on with a pastor.
Unless you really know she is after him and I mean really know then please treat her with grace. She may have been wounded by a church leader in the past - I was - so it might just be a lack of knowing how to behave on her part and maybe God has put you there to just be a kind presence in her life.
Your post was hard to read.
I did learn but it took a while. I'm sorry her behavior is causing so much worry because if she is innocent in her heart she will be feeling terrible that she is coming across as she is, as I did too but I didn't know better ways of being in the church back then.
 
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Solomons Porch

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From your description (of her ), if correct, Im picking up Mental Issues and/or severe emotional issues possibly.

And at the same note, work on your insecurities or their gonna eat you alive. God bless you and it's a sticky situation.
 
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4x4toy

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I am a man and I know some girls or young women are attracted to men in authority, better to be safe than sorry .. If I were there and I saw a potential for temptation I would tell your husband to watch out . He carries a lot of responsibility not only to you but also the congregation 1 Timothy 3 .. Also that he must step towards Jesus and away from any trap, he must establish the tone .. He must be firm even if he liked the attention .He must run away like Joseph from Potifars wife . If your intuition is right send him an annonymous letter if its all you can do to warn him .. Nothing good can come from these situations if your fear is true, just heartache and division . I hope it's not what you think but on the other hand it happens often . Prayers that God will expose evil works of darkness and shine light in the dark . Prayers that your husband stand strong to do the right thing and he receive revelation to not be taken in .. Keep watch and pray, you both seem worth fighting for .
 
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seashale76

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I would trust your instincts. If you feel something is wrong about that woman, you could certainly be right. As some have suggested, she might be mental. There is a more sinister possibility. Sometimes witches (who can certainly also be mental) go into Churches just to cause problems.

I cannot tell if you have really let your husband know how seriously you take this woman. I would ask him to please hold hands with you and pray for guidance about her, and for his protection wherever that might be necessary - and not just with her. The Bible says "Be careful when you think you stand, lest you fall."
I can't even. How we got from pastor's wife that may not even be accurately reading a situation regarding a single woman (because for all we know- the problem isn't the single woman but with the pastor and/or the wife) to potential witch is so very sad to me. Single women and women without kids are often treated like lepers/trash by insecure people in a lot of churches.

ETA: The OP described a woman that was happy to greet the pastor at her first visit- only to become sad and distant literally every other time she's seen her- which screams to me that the woman likely isn't the problem there.
 
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mina

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I don't think you need to do anything except talk to your husband about it. I agree with previous posters that single women are treated very badly in the church. I was single for a long time and I basically sat by myself and didn't talk to any men at all at church, b/c most of the women treated me like I was out to steal their husbands and devour their children because I was young and single and dared to come to church. Unless they wanted me to babysit, pet sit, or clean their house for free, then I was worth talking to. Communicate with your husband and ask him not to spend alone time with this woman or do anything to encourage her to be alone with him. Then trust him. If you can't be kind or are just suspecting of her without even getting to know her in a sincere way; then you should just not interact with her.
 
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ToBeLoved

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I don't know what your and your husband's relationship is like, so if this is not good advice, take it with a grain of salt.

I would talk to your husband and see what he thinks. If you know that he will talk openly with you and share his honest opinion with you, then I would talk to him about it and just ask that he keep an open mind and pay attention next few times she is around him.

Hopefully, you and your husband can find a good, Godly way to handle this situation.

It might not hurt to remind him that he is to love his wife the way that Christ loves the church. Your husband has made that commitment to you and God expects him to honor it.
Praying for you.
 
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It's him you have to worry about, not her. If you're not worried about him then you have nothing to worry about. Pray for her that God will help her to get what she's lacking and trying to make up for in your husband or whatever other wrong places she's looking. You're fine. And if your husband does get swayed and cheats, then that's really beyond your control - nothing you can say or do about that as it won't change his problem or his heart.
 
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