Christian Marriages

[2scoops]

I am at the point in my life where I want a good chritian wife. Over the past couple of years I have been working on my relationship with the Lord and it's the closest it's been. I have learned some life long lessons in these past couple of years and I am so ready to be the Godly husband that I am suppossed to be.

some things that concern me is that the christian divorice rate is from what I hear higher than that of the worlds. I mean the rate should be considerably less. I came in here to look at the posts to get good sound christian advice about successful marriages and learn some pointers to help me be a good husband. But I guess I have noticed some things in here that it seems like there are just so many that are unhappy. It seems like there are a lot that just seem to lose attraction and bam, the marriage is done and they want to be with someone else that excites them. It just seems like sex is ruling marriages and causing it's downfall. Wether it's lack of it or simply being attracted to someone else.

Is there anyone that is happily married. I mean the way I know to be happily married is to make God the center of marriage. I guess my question is why are so many christians so unhappy with marriage?

 

[pegatha]

Keep in mind that, since this is an advice & support board, it's only natural that most of the posts here deal with problems in marriage.

But your post brings up something that's worth repeating. The two most important things you can do (other than keeping your spiritual life strong, as you're already doing) are to choose a wife based on her character and commitment to God, and to put your marriage ahead of everything and everyone else but God Himself. (And please don't confuse things like church or ministry with God; church and ministry aren't God, they're ways you serve God, and they take second place to serving God in your marriage.)

 

[LiberatedChick]

Is there anyone that is happily married. I mean the way I know to be happily married is to make God the center of marriage. I guess my question is why are so many christians so unhappy with marriage?

Yup, I'm a happily married Christian, though as my husband is not this isn't exactly the way you know. However, I must add that life doesn't run smooth and neither do marriages which is why vows normally state "for better for worse, richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, etc". So, as problems are encountered throughout life, problems crop up throughout marriage though. It doesn't mean people aren't happy...yes in some cases they might not be but you can still have some troubles and be happy or least know you'll be happy once it's all resolved. And as pegatha said this section is frequently used by those needing advice and support so it's understandable that lots of the post will be relating to problems.

 

[Jenna]

There are many of us here who are happy and/or content in their marriages. Of course, that does not change the fact that two people who are fallen creatures will most likely not always live in perfect harmony. However, I'd venture to say that it isn't the trials in a life that define it, but how people grow and progress through the trials. I, myself, may not always be happy with a certain circumstance that I am dealing with, but that does not mean that I am less than happy. I am sure that there are plenty others who come through the forum who feel the same way, somewhere. lol

 

[bliz]

Been married for 28 years. I'd say that at least 20 of them have been happy...

I'm only half kidding. I think one of the reasons why Christians have so many divorces (as high as non-Christians, according to George Barna) is that we have very high, highly unrealistic images of marriage. To be fair, these have been forced on us and shoved at us by older Christians who tend to lie about their marriages.

Am I happy in my marriage? Yes. Would I do it all over again? In a New York minute. Was every day happy? No way!

Christians often don't know how to fight fair in a marriage becasue they imagine that if they marry the right person, they will never fight. Christians often get mrried for sex, since we tend to beliee that's the only p[lace for sex. I agree with that... but I think it leads to people getting married "in a fever" as Johnny and June Cash used to sing. When the fever breaks... so does the relationship. Becasue Christians have this feeling of being given to this other person who is their God-chosen mate, they probe each other less before deciding to get married. "What are your thoughts on money, politics, household duties, leadership in marriage, child rearing philosophies and toothpaste tube caps?"

Just a few thoughts... We laugh a lot, have a lot of sex, we like our kids and they seem to like us. The people my husband works with seem to think he is the last happily married man on earth... There have been some very tough times - in life together and in ouor relationship, but like broken bones that are stronger at the point of the break, a marriage can be stronger when it has had problems that have been worked through.

 

[NitrousInfected]

My suggestion for having a happy marriage is that both of you "DO love" not just feel it. Love is something you do, and if you keep doing it even when you dont "feel" it, the feeling will return stronger and deeper than it ever was before. I heard a gentleman put it very simply one time, "Do the things that love does." And you are correct in that God should be the central figure of any marriage.

 

[heartnsoul]

I agree with all the advice that others have given. Always put God first and if both partners are putting God first, the marriage will be so blessed with joy.

Keep in mind though, life is not a bowl of cherries (like others have said), so there will be the life's envitable ups & downs. The key is how you both will deal with the downs in life. Riding the good times is easy. It's how you both will support each other and react to the bad times. Commitment is a lot of responsibility because it does mean sometimes swallowing your pride and going to God for help. When people are going through good times, sometimes they forget about God. It's only when the bad times happen, that people either turn further away from God or draw nearer to Him.

I have been married for over 10 years. Like everyone else, we have had our share of strife as well as happiness. It's like any relationship or friendship. Nothing is 100% rosey all the time. If you haven't married yet, then I would suggest you continue your strong relationship with God and know that God will send you the right one in His time. Be patient. The right one is worth waiting for. How will you know when you meet the right one? When the right one speaks to your heart & soul from a spiritual perspective. Mature Christians realize the value of being spiritually mature and uniting with that soul mate who meets our spiritual needs first before any physical needs. Good luck on your spiritual journey. I will keep you in my prayers. You're on the right track and it sounds like you will be a wonderful Christian husband! Gee, where were you when I was looking for a Christian husband?? JUST KIDDING!! Seriously though, keep the faith and don't settle. Funny thing about life, when you trust God to give you the best in life, you get it. Key is patience.

 

[InTheFlame]

My highest priorities in choosing a husband were -

- relationship with God
- willingness to grow. This means (to me) being willing to listen to - even seek out - others' opinions on particular issues in his life, think through the responses he gets, working out what he needs to work on, then acting on that.

I had others too, but I figured that with the above, any problems that hit us during marriage would be relatively easy to sort out. A person who's consistently willing to look at himself and try to become a better person is a wonderful thing.

 

[GirlieGirl]

The thing is, all the happy Christian couples don't start threads about their blissful lives. People would think it was obnoxious to see "Still enjoying my delightful marriage and perfect life" topics over and over again. (I'm being extreme to illustrate the point. Don't lose faith in Christian marriages because this forum is sprinkled with more pain than praise.)

 

[alaskamolly]

I was just going to post that same thing--people usually start threads because they have a problem or a question. It's rare you're going to find someone on here starting a thread about how great everything is for them.


Also, I will second what Bliz said. I think as a culture (fed off of movies trumpeting the EMOTION of love, not the CHOICE of love), we have very unrealistic expectations of marraige!

That, and I also think our society-on-the-whole does a VERY poor job for preparing us for marraige and family life.

Combine the two, and you have a recipe for trouble, Christian or not.





My marraige looks like it is very good, and it really is, but we have our share of troubles. Some seasons are blissful, some are spent fighting to choose love (despite emotions to the contrary). But we are a team, and we will fight to stay that way.

I think most people don't go into marraige expecting to fight for it. They just assume that the wonderful feelings will always be there... (wrong!!!) One of the best things a godly couple can do, before they are wed, is to expect to have to FIGHT for a good marraige, for a godly family, for a happy home.


Blessings,
Molly

 

[cbudc]

Also, look at the number of members here. There's over 10 million I think that last time I looked. Not all of us are having problems. I however am having them. Exactly what you said, lost attraction or something like that. It was on my wife's account though, she left for something that is "new and exciting" but she will soon see that it will die and lose it's passion. She didn't dedicate herself to it like she should have. I think you're defineatly right. God first for both parties and He will bless it like it should. I think that's where we actually went wrong. God continues to bless me and I know my happiness will be in Him.

 

[charligirl]

I think there have been some good points raised here - yes this is a support thread so there are bound to be alot of 'problem' questions and posts, but there are many here who are happily married and have worked through things.... otherwise there would be noone to encourage and sympathise and dive hope for the future of those who are facing a bad patch!

I think the reason so many christians have a hard time with marriage (as well as the married for sex thing and often marrying young.) is that churches often do not teach on marriage - on the realities of marriage, on what love really is, on how to get through the down times. Many churches peddle the lie that 'all will be easy once you get saved'.. well as I'm sure you know, that is NOT the case!! The same lie permeates marriage 'marry the one God brings you and BAM perfect marriage' theu are scared to tell of the bad times they have faced, incase they seem less than christian.

I am fortunate, my pastors have been married over 20 years and do yearly marriage seminars where they are very open about the struggles they have faced and how they overcame. They also have a tape series which is biblical, real and very insightful.

Marriage is fantastic, glorious and fulfilling it can also be frustrating, confusing and lonely at times - I agree with jenna, i find it is circumstances that i facew that i am less than happy with... I don't for one minute regret marrying, or regret marrying the man I did - even when I am facing some issue or other, the up and down times are all part of the incredible journey that is marriage.

 

[2scoops]

Sorry for the post. But lately I just see so much stuff that I do not agree with in marriages today. Yes it is very easy for me to say these things are wrong and to get mad at these things. I know I am not married and do not go through some of the things that married people have to deal with.

Where I work, there are some people that claim to be christians and I hear how they flirt with other guys and ladies. They allow members of the opposite sex to give them massages, run their hands through their hair, etc. I really see this as inappropriate behavior. I know personally, if some other guy was doing these things to my wife, it would upset. They also talk about their sex lives with others, and of course if a woman is not pleased, any other guy is willing to step up to the plate. I guess I just have been getting a little discouraged about it. But I believe that stuff should only be discussed between a man and hi wife. If necessary a qualified Pastor or a qualified Chritian counselor.

Sorry to vent, but I know how these things can destroy marriages and families. But I just hope that two christian people read what the word has to say about marriages. I especially like these verses in 1 Corinthians.

3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
33 But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.
34 There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.

 

[Busybee]

I'm happily married as well praise the Lord. With any relationship there will be lots of ups and a few downs sprinkled here and there.

However, as I grow with the Lord I'm experiencing even more happiness in my marriage and with raising my children. I've ordered a book for my husband and I to do a bible study out of and he's even agreed to do it with me. I've been wanting that for a long time. I just put it in prayer to the Lord rather than trying to force him into it.

I think the key to it is putting God at the center of the relationship, praying for your spouse as well as yourself, not trying to change your spouse but rather asking the Lord to show you were you need improvement, and even with the "intimacy" aspect we should pray to the Lord regarding that. Heck, I gave thanks to Him the other day for blessing our marriage in that area.

To make this short, I used to "do my thing" alone at times and didn't realize how it was hurting our intimate relationship because I "wasn't in the mood for him". Since the Lord showed me that was the cause, well just let me put it this way, he needs to beat me off of him with a stick lol. It's also improved his self esteem.

In closing, LOOL, I truly believe if we seek the Lord in our marriages and seek to work on what's wrong with OURSELVES before we start shoveling out what's wrong with our spouse, we'll improve and then our mates won't be far behind.

 

[heartnsoul]

You are right about some of the people in this world. There are a lot of hypocrites in church and there are a lot of "liberal" Christians. It's good you know who you are and where you stand on certain issues and principles. As everyone has said on their other posts here, no relationship is perfect. Whoever you end up with, there will be challenges and growth to experience. The key is...to find someone who shares your spiritual beliefs and "walks the walk." It's easy to "talk" scriptures, quote scriptures, and attend church regularly. It's a totally different ball game to "walk" it. So, you're on the right track. Be patient with yourself and God. Trust that God will present you with your soul mate someday. Everything that is of concern to you right now will vanish when the right one comes along and shares your exact thoughts and beliefs. Hey, that someone may come along and maybe teach you a few things or two and maybe even help shed some new light on some of your beliefs. One can always learn something from others. Things that you thought you learned, you may learn it again but this time, see it from a different perspective. I say this because as I continue to grow with God every year, I see myself becoming more open minded, compassionate and humble. In my twenties and thirties, I felt a need to criticize and point out what is right and wrong with everyone and the universe around me. Now, I sit back, listen to others tell their story, and I am open minded to know that I can learn something from everyone. Each of us have our own path to God. One path is not superior over another. The hope is that we all are striving to live learn, grow, and love in life. That's what life is all about! Hang in there and try not to despair over other people's paths. Keep believing in God and you'll find the right one someday.

 

[Flipper]

Been married for 28 years. I'd say that at least 20 of them have been happy...

I'm only half kidding. I think one of the reasons why Christians have so many divorces (as high as non-Christians, according to George Barna) is that we have very high, highly unrealistic images of marriage. To be fair, these have been forced on us and shoved at us by older Christians who tend to lie about their marriages.

Am I happy in my marriage? Yes. Would I do it all over again? In a New York minute. Was every day happy? No way!

Christians often don't know how to fight fair in a marriage becasue they imagine that if they marry the right person, they will never fight. Christians often get mrried for sex, since we tend to beliee that's the only p[lace for sex. I agree with that... but I think it leads to people getting married "in a fever" as Johnny and June Cash used to sing. When the fever breaks... so does the relationship. Becasue Christians have this feeling of being given to this other person who is their God-chosen mate, they probe each other less before deciding to get married. "What are your thoughts on money, politics, household duties, leadership in marriage, child rearing philosophies and toothpaste tube caps?"

Just a few thoughts... We laugh a lot, have a lot of sex, we like our kids and they seem to like us. The people my husband works with seem to think he is the last happily married man on earth... There have been some very tough times - in life together and in ouor relationship, but like broken bones that are stronger at the point of the break, a marriage can be stronger when it has had problems that have been worked through.

but but but if you marry the right person, you really don't fight!! Really!!!

Just kidding, you really hit the nail on the head on everything. However, I do think that if are a mature person and you marry a mature person, it is easier to allow disagreements to just be disagreements instead of allowing them to turn into resentments - which is a catalyst for other problems that will doom the marriage to failure. There will always be disagreements, the secret is knowing when to compromise and how to find the middle ground when there is a disagreement. Good pre-marital counselling also helps in this regard.

 

[bliz]

I couldn't agree more, Flipper!

When I think of some of the issues we fought about or simmered over early in our marriage, I just laugh now! (I think our biggest fight was over the correct rotation in volleyball! Now there's an issue that really matters!)

Perhaps it comes with greater maturity and deeper certainity that this man loves me, but I am so much more able to set aside my concerns for his these days. But it also involves freely setting aside my concerns, not feeling forced to do so.

(BTW - love your Teddy Roosevelt quote!)