Christian boyfriend of 2 years cheated

[Faithandlove8]

Hello, I really need some advice on my situation.

So to start off my boyfriend and I met during college. He was brought up in a strong Christian household, faithful/supporting family, he went to church each weekend, and brought me closer to The Lord. I am a Christian as well, but I was a weak one when we met. I had dated a few guys and lost some of my Christian values in college, so when I met my current boyfriend, he really helped me. He made me a stronger Christian and always would make sure that we prayed and we had weekly bible studies. We attended church college groups and kept each other accountable. He was that strong Christian man that I needed and he saved me. In college, I drank, went to clubs, messed around with guys, and was lost. My boyfriend really helped me and always made sure I was following God's word. But then two years later, he cheats on me.

He talked with my parents about marrying me in two years and we even talked with his pastor alot about us getting married. He was the real deal and we were so close to each other's families. He was always saving himself for marriage (sex) and one day I kinda persuaded him to have premarital sex with me. It took a couple weeks, but he gave in. I did feel horrible, but we loved each other and I didnt see anything wrong. He was such a strong religious figure in my life and we tried to be that strong Christian couple. I am his first real girlfriend and the one hes given everything to. So a year after we met, he moved out of his parents house and moved closer to me because he transferred schools. He began drinking more with me, we were having sex, going out dancing alot, and he began cussing (something he always encouraged me not to do), and he gradually started not going to church anymore. This went on for about another year and I did not seem to notice the changes, because he was becoming more like me and I liked it. He had roomates that would sleep around alot and teased him for not having sex with me (he told them we didnt have sex). They were bad influences, but I didnt think they would change him. We still prayed sometimes, but he started losing his faith. He hated when girls wore inappropriate clothing and was someone I NEVER thought would cheat on me.

Also I will add, during our relationship he told me that I was super controlling and he couldnt do anything...which I will admit is true. I didnt like his music, spending time with his friends, doing things he liked to do. I also always said I wanted to break up for dumb reasons, like when we fought. He would get so hurt and say, "why do you always want to break up?" it makes me feel horrible. I would always accuse him of cheating on me, when I knew he wasnt. Anyways tho, Idk if that has anything to do with his cheating. He also has a lot of pressure on him with paying for school, rent, car. He also was sad that I wasnt following Jesus as strongly as he was.

So now we have been together for 2 years and were planning on getting engaged next year. He is on vacation for 3 weeks and I find on his labtop (which he let me use while he was gone), sexual texts to another girl. He met up with a girl while I was on vacation for a week and never told me about it. It has been about 2 months since that happened. Im in total shock. I just cant believe he would do this to me. He didnt have sex with her, but I am so confused. He has written letters to me during his trip saying how much he loves me and is praying for me while he is gone. Why would a man God do this to me?

I dont want to think I am to blame, but since we had premartial sex and not practicing God's word, we were sinning, maybe that caused him to want more and think casual sex was okay? Ugh I do not know what to do. Any advice? Help. Should I talk with him and we both see a pastor to fix our issues? Or is this a lost cause?

 

[redblue22]

Sounds like you are having fun. So, what is your next step?

 

[JAM2b]

I think this is a very personal choice. If you want to try to repair the relationship, then seek help from a pastor or counselor. If you feel it is not worth salvaging, or that you should move on and heal, then you should do that. This isn't something anyone can decide for you.

If you do decide to fix things, then there are a lot of changes the two of you need to make in order for it to be a healthy relationship. Blaming gets people no where in these situations. The both of you need to individually own your own mistakes and make amends. You aren't responsible for his, and he is not responsible for your's.

Many (most?) will say that cheating is reason to call it quits. That is also an individual's choice. It depends on how you feel about it, and what you want to take into consideration. In marriage the Bible grants permission for divorce in the case of adultery, but it does not require divorce. This is a situation where you aren't even married.

I think there could be an opportunity to make things right and start fresh. That does not mean you have to take it. If you do take it, then you need support from outside of your relationship and to put in some serious work with your eyes wide open.

 

[Sketcher]

It's his fault he cheated, but by your own admission you got him into premarital sex and drinking. You helped to soften him up morally. His roommates may have been a bad influence, but you were also a bad influence. Then you don't treat him right in your relationship, and look what happens. It doesn't excuse what he did, but look at what you did wrong here so that you can do right next time.

 

[sarzy21]

I'm in a very similar situation, and in an attempt to process my own dilemma, I'll write to you, faithandlove8;
Everyone says to put myself in someone else's shoes: if my friend got cheated on, what would I say to them? My instincts are that I'd support their decision to break it off with the guy/girl. "Once a cheater, always a cheater".

On the other hand: what does Christ say?

Since you and I are in almost the same exact situation, I'll say what I think would be best for both of us!
Before confronting him: We should firstly forgive him, and ask for God to help us do so. And also repent for placing our relationships with our boys over our Relationships with God. Pray that God will rid the anger, (and believe me, the anger will rise up more than a few times for awhile!), and do something to expel it: exercising, or driving around for hours scream-singing to loud music?

Confront your boyfriend (from a place of love). As Christians, we are supposed to call each other out! Starting with something like "hey, I know our relationship isn't Bible-perfect, and I want to clear the air..." and coming from a heart of love and concern can lay a good ground for this talk (Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger). Galatians 6:1 tells us that when a Christian friend has sinned, to confront them gently, forgive them, and comfort them; and also to consider ourselves, as we've all sinned against each other and God!

Then, it's my opinion to take a couple weeks to heal and focus on God. And I mean really focusing on God. The Bible tells us to run the race with endurance (1 Corinthians 9:23), and rid our lives of any distraction that doesn't draw us closer to God. Our relationships seem to be just that--holding us away from God's grace. Both of us (me and you, faithandlove8!) have every right to walk away from them now. God has given us grace in this moment, to have seen what our significant other is capable of. There would be no wrong in breaking up with our boyfriends.

On the other hand: we could talk with our boys and make the commitment of handing the relationships over to Him. The only way these relationships will be successful and fruitful is to reevaluate our priorities! After becoming so heavily involved with someone else, I feel responsibility and a desire to mend the relationship! I love him, as a Christian it would be hard not to love him! We have the capacity of forgiveness and love beyond what our flesh says we should have. Luckily for us, there's grace in every situation

After the couple weeks of healing, one of those choices will ultimately be made. We can repent from our sins and turn our desires over to God: but will that be as a single lady, or as a lady in a Christ-centered relationship?

James 5:6...Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

 

[Deidre32]

It doesn't sound like either of you are really ready for a commitment. You probably should break things off, and work on why you're controlling, so you heal and are better for the next relationship. But, controlling or not, guys who cheat while you're dating them, are not worth dating anymore. Praying for you.