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Cheating Boyfriend

Discussion in 'Courting Couples' started by cevegh, Jun 29, 2009.

  1. cevegh

    cevegh Newbie

    In Relationship
    I've never posted in these forums before but i am seeking the genuine advice from my fellow Christian peers. I'm not too computer savvy so I think I posted in the wrong forum last night b/c I have gotten no responses.

    Anyway, I hope you can spare me some time please as I've been struggling with this issue.

    I have rededicated my life to Jesus Christ after six years of straying.

    I have dated my boyfriend for seven years but have always had trust issues. Its been a pretty rocky relationship. The kind were you break up and then get back together 2 days later. Except last March when I accused him of cheating(cheating meaning talking to an ex girlfriend), I felt I went over-board and tried to call him the next day to apologize but he did not answer. In fact, he did not answer or reply to my texts or emails for about 3 weeks. Since we only live a street away from each other I or he would usually look for each other and apologize but for some reason I decided not to look for him. He didn't look for me either. Well after about 3 weeks we got back together.

    Then that same August, his brother was having a birthday party. I usually don't like going to any of his family events(but I do go anyway) because everyone in his family drinks a lot. I mean A LOT!! I have always found his brothers kind of perverted. Although they are married they check out other women. My boyfriend had even confessed to me that some of his married brothers cheat on their wives. Anyway, earlier in the week I told him we would go to his brother's party. It was a Saturday, and I was taking a state exam. Little did I know the exam was going to be 5 hours long. When I got home, I was exhausted and on top of that my allergies were really bothering me. Needless to say, I didn't feel like going anymore. He went w/o me anyway when usually if I don't go with him to an event he wont go and vice versa. After about maybe 4 hours I called him and asked him to come home but he refused, yelled at me and told me, "I'm not doing anything, you got to trust me! You never trust me!". Aside from the underlying trust issues I felt even more suspicious b/c usually when I don't go to events with him he comes home right away.

    I went over to his brother's house, called him, and asked him to come outside. I could smell the beer on his breath plus cigarette smoke. He does not smoke. I told him politely he needed to come home. He said, "NO!, Why dont you trust me?". I know this was wrong but I gave him an ultimatum, come home or we end things. He smirked, did a 180, waved his hand in the air and said, "Bye", and went inside. Then his brother came outside, I started crying and asked him to call my boyfriend outside but he refused. He told me that if my bf wanted to be w/me he would be outside w/me now. He also through in there that he could have him "layed" that very night. While I was outside talking to his brother, two younger girls(our age) would walk in and out of the house smirking at me. All his brothers are way older so usually the crowds at parties are their same age. I decided, they were probably the reason he didn't want to come home. I went home totally destroyed.

    After that night I decided to leave town for the remainder of the summer to my mom's summer house. My mom was there and I felt I needed her comfort. I was over there for a good three weeks. For this amount of time, not once did my bf try to call or message me.

    This is going to sound really crazy and it is.But when I came home I kind of forced my bf to be with me. I told him if he wasnt with me I would tell his brother's wife something I knew. I know he did not want to be with me b/c while I was gone he began to talk to one of the girls from that party. I printed out his cell phone statement and saw that for the 3 weeks I was gone, they would text message each other, all day, everyday. Literally from waking time until about 1 in the morning. I made him call that girl and tell her not to call him anymore. I also made him change his number. I also through those cell phone statements found out that back in March he was talking to another woman. An older woman with a child, that is friends with his brother's wife. I really don't know her but I found out that she has always had a crush on my bf. Also, she was talking to my bf while she was with someone else. She wanted something serious with my bf but he didn't. All of this drove me insane. During the time I was out of town, he took a trip with his older, married brothers, to a city that is full of sin. It is a popular vacation city where ppl go to party. Mainly, it is known for women pulling up their tops to expose themselves in exchange for beads!

    I became very depressed and lost fifteen pounds but still i would force him to be with me. For months he treated me very badly, when I would cry, he would tell me to shut up and get over it or get out of his place! I felt lost without him so I would take it.

    At the end of this April, once again we had a big argument and broke up. This time though, I gained the courage to stay strong and not look for him. This is when I rededicated my life to Christ. I asked Him to give me the stregnth to move on. I prayed for a Christian guy with values that would help me live my life praising HIM.

    Well about a week later, I got an email from my bf that said he was extremely sorry and he had gotten some insightful advice. I just ignored it as I was determined to move on. Long story short, eventually he called me and told me the advice was actually guidance and he went to church and accepted Christ as his Lord and Savior. It shocked me! He said he knew his brothers were bad influence on him and that he would have minimal contact with them.

    It has since been about a month and a half, we are back together but I still dont like his family's actions. I do not in any way want to associate myself with them. I know this is extremely terrible but I don't. I am a firm believer that once you marry someone you marry their family as well. I wish my bf didn't talk to his brothers anymore. I know that is impossible because they are his family. But it angers me because he confessed to me that his brothers have always told him to break up with me and sleep with as many women as possible. Also, every time we see one of his brothers that went on that trip he tells my bf, "Wasnt New Orleans bad A**?", with a big smirk. He is one of the cheating brothers. Now I can't stand to look at him or any of the other brothers for that matter.

    Also I am more certain he has slept with other women. He doesn't consider it cheating though because we were on breaks when this occurred.

    So these are my problems, should I stay with him even though he has slept with other women. I love him but am not certain I will ever forget. I don't know I can ever be intimate with him knowing he has done this. Sometimes I cant even kiss him b/c these thoughts pop into my head.

    And the family thing, I know I cant force anyone not to talk to his brothers but they really bother me. Whenever I see him around them, raging thoughts come into my head that they are telling him to cheat. I just think that if he has truly found Christ, he should not want to talk to them at all as they are extremely perverted.

    Whenever we are around his family the thoughts of him cheating and being with other women are more prominent.

    I don't know if God's answer to my prayer(about a Christian guy) was in fact my bf.

    What should I do?

    I am so sorry for this long novel but I would like some advice. I have been praying a lot. Please help me.
  2. Luther073082

    Luther073082 κύριε ἐλέησον χριστὲ ἐλέησον

    Ok there is a lot of problems going on here on both of your parts.

    Without breaking it down I would advise you to get out of this realtionship. The bible tells us if we are not already married to an unbeliever that we should not marry one. Being as it does not seem as though he is a beliver and you are, then this does not seem like a marriage that the bible would condone.

    On top of that there is just loads and loads of problems here. Distrust, blackmail, possible emotional abuse, and a lack of attention. As well as the obvious problem that you are now living with your boyfriend. That needs to end.

    Really I've never understood why people stay in relationships where they constantly fight. My brother is in one and I don't understand it. The only thing I can figure is it comes out of some fear of being alone. It almost makes me angry when someone has the complete inability to exist without a SO. Mostly because I never had one til I was 24 and that was only for a month. (My current one though is great).

    You really need to get out of this realtionship, it will keep you from God like no one's business. For a Christian dating is about finding someone to marry, not someone to hang out with and shack up with for several years.

    On top of all of this you are making a major life transition. Committing ones life to Christ from a previous background without God is not a minor transition by any means. Trust me I've made the transition myself.

    If you want to talk more about this you can PM me. But I'm recommending you get out of this relationship as the first major move of starting your life all over again. You really do have to leave your old ways and behind and become a new person in Christ. Its not just some saying people make up. You have to quit doing things your own way and start trying to do them God's way. And I'm not going to lie to you. . . that is not going to be easy.

    But I've never had anything that has been truely worthwhile that was easy.

    *Also if you havn't been already then you need to be baptized ASAP. This is an aspect that is sadly ignored by a lot of protestant denominations. But in the bible whenever anyone became a new beliver they where IMMEDIATLY baptized. Not next week, not next year, not 5 years from now. . . NOW. People seem to forget that God commanded these baptisms and it was important to him. So no matter what you think the baptism means God commanded it, so do it.

    Now churchs have their own rules on when they do baptisms etc. I'm not going to yell at you if they have a process that takes a some time to do. But start the process ASAP. Get your butt to church services at least once a week, every week unless you are puking or your temp is above 100. No excuses for not going. No "I'm too tired" or "Its too early" God was never too tired to save you from your sins, so you arn't too tired to get your butt out of bed and worship him once a week.

    I say this because you need to get in the habit of being at church every week. Plus it helps you transition better. And you get to know other Christians and form relationships with them. It helps keep you in check and gives you a support system inside of the body of Christ.

    If you want to talk, let me know. Please note that I am leaving to visit my fiancee in Florida on July 2 and won't be back until July 8. I will have some internet time while I'm gone but not as much as I normally would.

    The Lord bless you and keep you.
    The Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you.
    The Lord look upon you with favor and give you peace . . . In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit Amen.
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2009
  3. cevegh

    cevegh Newbie

    In Relationship
    Thank you very much for your response, Luther. My bf and I do not live together. I do spend a lot of time at his place b/c he lives about a block away from me.

    I have rededicated my life. He is the new Christian but honestly I am very afraid he will fall again especially with his brothers around. Is it insane that I don't even want him talking to them on the phone?

    I'm sorry but I would like the advice of someone that truly has Christ in their life.

    Thank you once again, I tried PMing u but I'm a newbie so I don't have enough posts to do that.
  4. Luther073082

    Luther073082 κύριε ἐλέησον χριστὲ ἐλέησον

    Ok thanks for the new info, its important.

    Ok good. For some reason it sounded like you lived together. My apologies

    No matter what kind of people his brother's are, I don't think you can ask him to disown them. And thats effectivly what you are asking him to do. You can of course expect that he's not going to be like them. But you can't cut him off from his family.

    ??? And I don't???

    I'm not sure what you mean by this?

    I think you need like 5 or 10. That shouldn't be a problem, you can go recreationally post.

    I also want to say that just because he is a new Christian doesn't change the fact that there are issues in the relationship. It does change the fact that you can marry him IF you get things straightened out. But there is a lot of things to work through here.

    It may be still advisable to break up however.
  5. Bampot

    Bampot Junior Member

    In Relationship
    Pretty much everything that Luther said.

    It seems that this relationship is doing a lot of damage on both sides. I think it would be best for both of you to somehow move on. It just doesn't seem healthy for you or him.
  6. eatenbylocusts

    eatenbylocusts Senior Veteran

    As a new Christian you have a lot to learn and the relationship should take a back seat to that. I will go a step further and say that besides worship once a week you need to get involved with a small group or Bible study and start figuring out where you can serve the church. If your church is shut up except for Sunday services then you need to find another church. You need to make some real relationships with strong, mature Christians who will be there when you need advice and help mentor you.
  7. SuperPhil

    SuperPhil Lets bring them His word, the bible.

    I agree with this.

    But on my own observations, it would appear that you put this relationship over your relationship with Christ. Maybe the Lord has something greater, but you have to give him time.
  8. Johnnz

    Johnnz Senior Veteran Supporter

    He has not had good principles established from his family. He is a new Christian. It will take some time before you know better just how much he has changed. I would counsel caution at this stage.