- May 26, 2018
- 28
- 25
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
Got myself in quite a pickle...and trying to reconcile my thoughts and feelings.
Backstory:
I've only been married a few years, but my husband and I barely make love, except for when trying to conceive. I've literally cried tears, saying how I NEED to feel connected to him through sex, but his general approach to everything in life is to have a bare minimalist attitude. He doesn't want to take the time or effort to study my body and learn how to get me going. He is a selfish lover. I also do most of the housework, all of the cooking, and I work a lot more than him. He never prays with me unless I initiate. I always pray over him, etc. He presented himself as devout when we were dating, then found out after marriage all wasn't as it seemed. I have resentment b/c he doesn't help me carry any weight, except driving me to places when needed.
He also told me he often fetishized me, and usually only wants to do things connected to multiple fetishes which makes me uncomfortable. I've told him many times throughout the years that this is not healthy and he should not be depriving me of REAL SEX, lest we mutually agree for spiritual purposes, and then we should have sex shortly after.
I also told him what makes me tick before we got married, told him it was a dealbreaker if someone wasn't into the same things, and he said he had no issues with what I said. Fast forward to our actual marriage, and he doesn't like and barely wants to do the things I explicitly told him prior to our engagement were dealbreakers for me. It's hard for me to even want him to do those things, b/c he doesn't hide his lack of enthusiasm and I hate feeling like I am forcing him to do it. There's no joy in that. I told him usually the other person gets off on knowing they are pleasing their partner, and that's part of what makes for a good lover - selflessness and willingness to learn and please the other person. I've been having this conversation for years and it falls on deaf ears.
We worked through his inability to maintain an erection when we first got married, but I hate feeling like I have to beg for sex. He said he could go years without it. I told him before we got married that my sex drive is high and I expect a lot of sex (we are young!). He said no problem. He told me after we got married he knew his drive was low! Every year I find out more secrets!
I found out he started watching inappropriate content again recently, and it's weird, fetish inappropriate content. It's not even a man and woman having actual sex. I am his first. He cannot relate to me sexually b/c of inappropriate content and it kills me. I wish he had told me about his inappropriate content addiction prior to marriage. I feel terrible saying this, but now I see why some of the people I know said they'd never marry someone without first confirming they could please them. It hurts to do things the "right way" and have this sucky ending.
On top of it, he downplayed his mental illness as well. He refuses therapy and medication. I told him yesterday if he doesn't get help via therapy and meds, our marriage is over. I cannot compete with inappropriate content, deal with the outbursts, emotional manipulation, etc. I am going to seek Christian counseling ASAP as well.
He also constantly threatens to take his life. I don't believe he'll actually do it, but he gets a thrill out of getting a rise out of people when he says this. He said this the day before we got married, and I wish to God I had the courage to walk away before getting locked into a covenant. He puts everyone, including his family through anguish, yells and argues with everyone, and is just not very nice. He punches things around the house in his outbursts. Clinically depressed, but won't do anything about it. He also recently confessed to doing something awful that could get him in a lot of trouble if I were to spill the beans.
I had a miscarriage a few months ago, and he recently told me (in so many words) that he didn't really have any feelings towards the child that died, but rather, felt bad for me b/c I was hurting. I thought that was such a cruel thing to say...we've had issues conceiving, then when we finally do and lose it, you have "no attachment since the child wasn't actually born." I am crying as I type this.
So I recently went away by myself b/c I needed some semblance of sanity, and I met a guy. There is no future w/ this guy, nor am I interested in a relationship with him. I am practical in knowing it would never work, and he lives in another country.
Anyway, I know I shouldn't have gone out with him alone, but didn't think anything would become of it. Next thing you know, he was telling me how beautiful and attractive I was, and it felt good to be wanted, after all of these years of my husband not responding to my body the same way (if at all). I am used to men responding to me, the way this guy did. I keep in shape and I'm considered very attractive by conventional standards, so imagine how soul-crushing it is when your husband doesn't really get physical with you. There was some heavy petting, and eventually, he kissed my breasts, I kissed his neck, but I refused to kiss him on the lips or have intercourse. I had already taken it too far, but that was where I drew the line. To see a man get aroused by just looking at me and touching my soft skin, made me feel what I had been missing since day 1 with my hubby. I thought my hubby just had immense self-control when we were dating, but it turns out he is borderline asexual, knew this before marriage, yet didn't think to tell me b/c he "wanted to get married." I was just a means to his goal. Great!
When I went back to my hotel room, I wept bitterly. He and I met up again the next day, and same thing happened again. He was attentive and cared about me also getting off. Interestingly enough, the first day we met up, my husband out of the blue said "I know I am not doing what I am supposed to do, so I wouldn't even be mad if you hooked up with someone." I am not saying he was "giving me permission", but he admitted he was falling short. I don't need an admission, I need CHANGE.
I am still crying about it, days later b/c it sucks that I am in a near sexless marriage. The guy I cheated with is old enough to be my dad, yet he and his wife (based on what he described) have a very active sex life. His wife recently confessed to cheating on him too, so I guess we both were vulnerable and looking for comfort. I would never leave my hubby for him, and I definitely wouldn't expect that same from him.
Besides feelings of sadness b/c my hubby has never looked at me or responded to me in the same way, or taken the time out to learn how to touch me, I know I am DEAD WRONG and I feel awful that I don't have remorse. I know God is mad at me. I don't know what to do or where to go from here.
Backstory:
I've only been married a few years, but my husband and I barely make love, except for when trying to conceive. I've literally cried tears, saying how I NEED to feel connected to him through sex, but his general approach to everything in life is to have a bare minimalist attitude. He doesn't want to take the time or effort to study my body and learn how to get me going. He is a selfish lover. I also do most of the housework, all of the cooking, and I work a lot more than him. He never prays with me unless I initiate. I always pray over him, etc. He presented himself as devout when we were dating, then found out after marriage all wasn't as it seemed. I have resentment b/c he doesn't help me carry any weight, except driving me to places when needed.
He also told me he often fetishized me, and usually only wants to do things connected to multiple fetishes which makes me uncomfortable. I've told him many times throughout the years that this is not healthy and he should not be depriving me of REAL SEX, lest we mutually agree for spiritual purposes, and then we should have sex shortly after.
I also told him what makes me tick before we got married, told him it was a dealbreaker if someone wasn't into the same things, and he said he had no issues with what I said. Fast forward to our actual marriage, and he doesn't like and barely wants to do the things I explicitly told him prior to our engagement were dealbreakers for me. It's hard for me to even want him to do those things, b/c he doesn't hide his lack of enthusiasm and I hate feeling like I am forcing him to do it. There's no joy in that. I told him usually the other person gets off on knowing they are pleasing their partner, and that's part of what makes for a good lover - selflessness and willingness to learn and please the other person. I've been having this conversation for years and it falls on deaf ears.
We worked through his inability to maintain an erection when we first got married, but I hate feeling like I have to beg for sex. He said he could go years without it. I told him before we got married that my sex drive is high and I expect a lot of sex (we are young!). He said no problem. He told me after we got married he knew his drive was low! Every year I find out more secrets!
I found out he started watching inappropriate content again recently, and it's weird, fetish inappropriate content. It's not even a man and woman having actual sex. I am his first. He cannot relate to me sexually b/c of inappropriate content and it kills me. I wish he had told me about his inappropriate content addiction prior to marriage. I feel terrible saying this, but now I see why some of the people I know said they'd never marry someone without first confirming they could please them. It hurts to do things the "right way" and have this sucky ending.
On top of it, he downplayed his mental illness as well. He refuses therapy and medication. I told him yesterday if he doesn't get help via therapy and meds, our marriage is over. I cannot compete with inappropriate content, deal with the outbursts, emotional manipulation, etc. I am going to seek Christian counseling ASAP as well.
He also constantly threatens to take his life. I don't believe he'll actually do it, but he gets a thrill out of getting a rise out of people when he says this. He said this the day before we got married, and I wish to God I had the courage to walk away before getting locked into a covenant. He puts everyone, including his family through anguish, yells and argues with everyone, and is just not very nice. He punches things around the house in his outbursts. Clinically depressed, but won't do anything about it. He also recently confessed to doing something awful that could get him in a lot of trouble if I were to spill the beans.
I had a miscarriage a few months ago, and he recently told me (in so many words) that he didn't really have any feelings towards the child that died, but rather, felt bad for me b/c I was hurting. I thought that was such a cruel thing to say...we've had issues conceiving, then when we finally do and lose it, you have "no attachment since the child wasn't actually born." I am crying as I type this.
So I recently went away by myself b/c I needed some semblance of sanity, and I met a guy. There is no future w/ this guy, nor am I interested in a relationship with him. I am practical in knowing it would never work, and he lives in another country.
Anyway, I know I shouldn't have gone out with him alone, but didn't think anything would become of it. Next thing you know, he was telling me how beautiful and attractive I was, and it felt good to be wanted, after all of these years of my husband not responding to my body the same way (if at all). I am used to men responding to me, the way this guy did. I keep in shape and I'm considered very attractive by conventional standards, so imagine how soul-crushing it is when your husband doesn't really get physical with you. There was some heavy petting, and eventually, he kissed my breasts, I kissed his neck, but I refused to kiss him on the lips or have intercourse. I had already taken it too far, but that was where I drew the line. To see a man get aroused by just looking at me and touching my soft skin, made me feel what I had been missing since day 1 with my hubby. I thought my hubby just had immense self-control when we were dating, but it turns out he is borderline asexual, knew this before marriage, yet didn't think to tell me b/c he "wanted to get married." I was just a means to his goal. Great!
When I went back to my hotel room, I wept bitterly. He and I met up again the next day, and same thing happened again. He was attentive and cared about me also getting off. Interestingly enough, the first day we met up, my husband out of the blue said "I know I am not doing what I am supposed to do, so I wouldn't even be mad if you hooked up with someone." I am not saying he was "giving me permission", but he admitted he was falling short. I don't need an admission, I need CHANGE.
I am still crying about it, days later b/c it sucks that I am in a near sexless marriage. The guy I cheated with is old enough to be my dad, yet he and his wife (based on what he described) have a very active sex life. His wife recently confessed to cheating on him too, so I guess we both were vulnerable and looking for comfort. I would never leave my hubby for him, and I definitely wouldn't expect that same from him.
Besides feelings of sadness b/c my hubby has never looked at me or responded to me in the same way, or taken the time out to learn how to touch me, I know I am DEAD WRONG and I feel awful that I don't have remorse. I know God is mad at me. I don't know what to do or where to go from here.