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Cheated & feel terrible that I don't feel bad about it

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by jesus_overcame_amen, Feb 28, 2021.

  1. jesus_overcame_amen

    jesus_overcame_amen New Member

    23
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    Got myself in quite a pickle...and trying to reconcile my thoughts and feelings.

    Backstory:
    I've only been married a few years, but my husband and I barely make love, except for when trying to conceive. I've literally cried tears, saying how I NEED to feel connected to him through sex, but his general approach to everything in life is to have a bare minimalist attitude. He doesn't want to take the time or effort to study my body and learn how to get me going. He is a selfish lover. I also do most of the housework, all of the cooking, and I work a lot more than him. He never prays with me unless I initiate. I always pray over him, etc. He presented himself as devout when we were dating, then found out after marriage all wasn't as it seemed. I have resentment b/c he doesn't help me carry any weight, except driving me to places when needed.

    He also told me he often fetishized me, and usually only wants to do things connected to multiple fetishes which makes me uncomfortable. I've told him many times throughout the years that this is not healthy and he should not be depriving me of REAL SEX, lest we mutually agree for spiritual purposes, and then we should have sex shortly after.

    I also told him what makes me tick before we got married, told him it was a dealbreaker if someone wasn't into the same things, and he said he had no issues with what I said. Fast forward to our actual marriage, and he doesn't like and barely wants to do the things I explicitly told him prior to our engagement were dealbreakers for me. It's hard for me to even want him to do those things, b/c he doesn't hide his lack of enthusiasm and I hate feeling like I am forcing him to do it. There's no joy in that. I told him usually the other person gets off on knowing they are pleasing their partner, and that's part of what makes for a good lover - selflessness and willingness to learn and please the other person. I've been having this conversation for years and it falls on deaf ears.

    We worked through his inability to maintain an erection when we first got married, but I hate feeling like I have to beg for sex. He said he could go years without it. I told him before we got married that my sex drive is high and I expect a lot of sex (we are young!). He said no problem. He told me after we got married he knew his drive was low! Every year I find out more secrets!

    I found out he started watching porn again recently, and it's weird, fetish porn. It's not even a man and woman having actual sex. I am his first. He cannot relate to me sexually b/c of porn and it kills me. I wish he had told me about his porn addiction prior to marriage. I feel terrible saying this, but now I see why some of the people I know said they'd never marry someone without first confirming they could please them. It hurts to do things the "right way" and have this sucky ending.

    On top of it, he downplayed his mental illness as well. He refuses therapy and medication. I told him yesterday if he doesn't get help via therapy and meds, our marriage is over. I cannot compete with porn, deal with the outbursts, emotional manipulation, etc. I am going to seek Christian counseling ASAP as well.

    He also constantly threatens to take his life. I don't believe he'll actually do it, but he gets a thrill out of getting a rise out of people when he says this. He said this the day before we got married, and I wish to God I had the courage to walk away before getting locked into a covenant. He puts everyone, including his family through anguish, yells and argues with everyone, and is just not very nice. He punches things around the house in his outbursts. Clinically depressed, but won't do anything about it. He also recently confessed to doing something awful that could get him in a lot of trouble if I were to spill the beans.

    I had a miscarriage a few months ago, and he recently told me (in so many words) that he didn't really have any feelings towards the child that died, but rather, felt bad for me b/c I was hurting. I thought that was such a cruel thing to say...we've had issues conceiving, then when we finally do and lose it, you have "no attachment since the child wasn't actually born." I am crying as I type this.

    So I recently went away by myself b/c I needed some semblance of sanity, and I met a guy. There is no future w/ this guy, nor am I interested in a relationship with him. I am practical in knowing it would never work, and he lives in another country.

    Anyway, I know I shouldn't have gone out with him alone, but didn't think anything would become of it. Next thing you know, he was telling me how beautiful and attractive I was, and it felt good to be wanted, after all of these years of my husband not responding to my body the same way (if at all). I am used to men responding to me, the way this guy did. I keep in shape and I'm considered very attractive by conventional standards, so imagine how soul-crushing it is when your husband doesn't really get physical with you. There was some heavy petting, and eventually, he kissed my breasts, I kissed his neck, but I refused to kiss him on the lips or have intercourse. I had already taken it too far, but that was where I drew the line. To see a man get aroused by just looking at me and touching my soft skin, made me feel what I had been missing since day 1 with my hubby. I thought my hubby just had immense self-control when we were dating, but it turns out he is borderline asexual, knew this before marriage, yet didn't think to tell me b/c he "wanted to get married." I was just a means to his goal. Great!

    When I went back to my hotel room, I wept bitterly. He and I met up again the next day, and same thing happened again. He was attentive and cared about me also getting off. Interestingly enough, the first day we met up, my husband out of the blue said "I know I am not doing what I am supposed to do, so I wouldn't even be mad if you hooked up with someone." I am not saying he was "giving me permission", but he admitted he was falling short. I don't need an admission, I need CHANGE.

    I am still crying about it, days later b/c it sucks that I am in a near sexless marriage. The guy I cheated with is old enough to be my dad, yet he and his wife (based on what he described) have a very active sex life. His wife recently confessed to cheating on him too, so I guess we both were vulnerable and looking for comfort. I would never leave my hubby for him, and I definitely wouldn't expect that same from him.

    Besides feelings of sadness b/c my hubby has never looked at me or responded to me in the same way, or taken the time out to learn how to touch me, I know I am DEAD WRONG and I feel awful that I don't have remorse. I know God is mad at me. I don't know what to do or where to go from here.
     
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  2. Joyous Song

    Joyous Song Well-Known Member

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    JS: I will pray for you. The only advice I can give is a story. I had a friend marred to a husband who was in a cult. She also suspected he might be molesting their two daughters. She asked, what in Christ could she do? I quoted that to love someone who is full of hate you might covert them but if not it will then be like hot coals being dumped on his head.

    She did and I told her and showed only love to his harsh and often cruel behavior. He immediately filed for a divorce.

    The advice did not save her marriage but then she did confirm he was molesting her girls and got them into counseling and he lost visitation.

    Not sure if it will help you, but if not prayer may work were all else fails.
     
  3. thecolorsblend

    thecolorsblend If God is your Father, who is your Mother? Supporter

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    .
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2021
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  4. Sabertooth

    Sabertooth Repartee Animal: Quipping the Saints! Supporter

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    A couple of things:
    1. Even if you could somehow justify your own unfaithfulness, you cannot justify that of the other man. (You caused him to be unfaithful to his existing or eventual wife.)
    2. If you are a Born-Again Christian, you can repent [1 John 1:9].
    Do you and you husband attend church?
    If so, hook up with a woman elder and tell her your story. She can begin to give you directions on how to proceed.
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2021
  5. jesus_overcame_amen

    jesus_overcame_amen New Member

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    Sadly, he was raised in church and had attended his church his whole life, only had friends from the church, was in ministry, etc., but his heart wasn't fully committed. I had been fooled before by an ex who pretended to be converted b/c I had just gotten saved and that was a dealbreaker...that's when I decided I wanted to marry someone who was very active in the church, of their own volition.

    However, going to church and living the Word are two different things. Many treat church like a social club. We've gone out w/ many members in the congregation, only to find they might cuss like a sailor, gossip, listen to unsavory music, live with their partners, etc. I am in no position to sit on my soapbox, now that I've also cheated, but I am just saying. My husband committed adultery through porn, and I in the real world. I need to get my heart posture right, b/c I know I am wrong - not just in my husband's sight, but God's.


     
  6. jesus_overcame_amen

    jesus_overcame_amen New Member

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    You're right. The other man wanted to get back at his wife for recently confessing her infidelities too. I was out of line, 100%.

    I will repent and ask God to cleanse my heart, b/c I should feel bad about cheating on my husband, but I am so fed up that I currently don't.
     
  7. Dave G.

    Dave G. Well-Known Member

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    It's not about a feeling, it's walking a new direction with God. Repenting is exactly that. And you need an accountability partner you can really trust, a true born again believer. And a plan. Hint: the plan is from above, so that means honest prayer and scripture reading.

    You may or may not win your husband over ( who is in bondage incidentally and you can pray the blood of Christ over that situation) but you need this for yourself either way.
     
  8. Michie

    Michie Human rights begin in the womb. Supporter

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    Maybe some marital counseling is in order. After that, maybe he’ll agree to seeing a medical doctor. Sounds like a miserable situation but do not complicate things by having extramarital affairs or hook ups. It will only make things worse. Praying for a quick resolution for both of you.
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2021
  9. Abide with me.

    Abide with me. Member

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    I am very sorry for your story, but within a few paragraphs it occurred to me that your husband might be an unresolved homosexual, if he is a devout Christian he may feel damned by God for being gay, but determined to 'try' and be straight for the sake of his religion and married a woman in order to 'fake it to make it', this happens sadly, women do get used this way.
    It would account for his lack of interest in a woman most men respond to with attraction, and also for his angry outbursts, which could be pent up frustration at living a lie.

    Either way his behaviour demonstrates an unnatural response to you, and an extremely long way from a healthy loving marriage.
    However, in your need, hurt and confusion you have allowed this mixed up man to influence your own choices, no matter what other people do, we are responsible for our own actions, if your husband can't give you what you need, then don't take somebody els's husband, no matter what he tells you about his marriage, you are just drifting further away from God when you need him most.
    And if you can't live without the things other men can give you, then you should pray for guidance about your future.
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2021
  10. jesus_overcame_amen

    jesus_overcame_amen New Member

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    Thank you for your brutal honesty. I am certain we won't see each other again as it was a fling on an international vacation (and we're in a pandemic and I don't plan on traveling internationally anytime soon). I also am not interested in a relationship with him and wouldn't take him seriously. I pray he and his wife are able to reconcile, though it seems like she's still cheating (sounds like neither really takes fidelity seriously...they are also Christian), but that's none of my business. This is the only time I've cheated. I am most concerned w/ the posture of my heart as I should feel guilty but I don't. I am sad for hurting God, and that's it. It's not good that I've reached the boiling point of apathy.

    His father kept accusing him of being gay before we met since he could never keep a romantic relationship before me, but he says he isn't, though his father's accusations messed with his head for a good year. He said he thought about kissing an attractive guy once or twice when his dad planted that seed, but never acted upon it, and squirmed at the thought of it actually materializing. I do find it odd that his two closest friends from church when we met were male and somewhat possessive of him and jealous of our relationship. They also are single, with no desire to date and never had a serious relationship, despite being in their mid-40s. I am almost certain one of them is a closeted gay, but he may not be acting on his feelings, and it isn't my place or business. He wanted to literally take public transport to "hang out" w/ my hubby when we were still dating, during a blizard. I didn't understand why a man would brave a storm via bus to spend time w/ He also enjoyed the company of this old man who hit on him AND my husband, but the old man was bipolar and schizophrenic. The other guy admitted to being jealous of our relationship and spread lies to our pastor about us.

    I pray my hubby isn't undercover, because I most certainly will catch a case if I find out there's that level of deception, and wasted time, money, and energy. No one besides his dad ever accused him of being gay, and he sought therapy and counseling from his pastor when his dad accused him. His dad is also into the same exact fetish porn as him, and he found out b/c his dad doesn't know how to delete the history of websites visited. Sounds like a generational curse.

    I gave him an ultimatum about meds and therapy if this is going to work. I cannot be in a sexless marriage, especially when I've uncovered so many lies and deception on top of it.

     
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  11. Michie

    Michie Human rights begin in the womb. Supporter

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    Can you say what kind of fetish porn he is into?? That might explain a few things.
     
  12. jesus_overcame_amen

    jesus_overcame_amen New Member

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    I'm hesitant b/c it's very specific; I'll say this: worshipping of specific body parts, women of a specific race dominating and humiliating men (I am of the race of women fetishized, unfortunately).
     
  13. Michie

    Michie Human rights begin in the womb. Supporter

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    Like sadomasochism?
     
  14. jesus_overcame_amen

    jesus_overcame_amen New Member

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    Maybe a lighter version of that? Like a woman wrestling a man and dominating him and making him do things.
     
  15. Sabertooth

    Sabertooth Repartee Animal: Quipping the Saints! Supporter

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    At the very least, because of the rift that it puts between you and God.
     
  16. Michie

    Michie Human rights begin in the womb. Supporter

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    So he wants to be forced more or less it seems. With the worshipping of a certain part of the anatomy. I really think you both would benefit by consulting a professional. I’m very sorry you are going through this. Sounds very uncomfortable to say the least. :pray:
     
  17. Abide with me.

    Abide with me. Member

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    There seems to be enough clues in your marriage that something is not adding up, I would suggest couple counselling or bust, if he goes for individual therapy he may not feel any obligation to be honest with you, and you need to know that whatever is ailing your marriage is something that CAN be fixed or not, a husband who's gay, and a wife who needs physical love is not something that can be fixed, however some other problems can be.
    However, from what you say, you have reached a stage of apathy with your husband, you also need to be honest with yourself about whether you want to try and make it work.
    That is for you to decide, but if you are not sure there are ways to find clarity, couple counselling, time apart, writing your feelings down honestly, or, the nuclear option is to ask him straight if he's gay? And be prepared to take the flack if he accuses you of sour grapes, just tell him if he's not gay, then you can't live with a man who doesn't desire you, maybe leaving him is something he might actually thank you for one day.
    And if you don't feel guilty about about kissing this other man, maybe that's a red flag about how you view your marriage?
    Honesty can be so painful, it involves massive change in these circumstances, but you have to decide if the ship you're sailing on is taking you in the direction you want to be going in, or if it's time to jump in the life raft.
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2021
  18. jesus_overcame_amen

    jesus_overcame_amen New Member

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    I haven't been on in a while. He is an all or nothing kind of person, and he thinks individual therapy is more important than couple's therapy. He also believes since his "physical pain is causing him mental anguish", it's more important to try to get to the bottom of the physical. I told him there's no harm in doing both simultaneous.

    He said he's never had any relations with a man period and isn't gay or bi. I've only seen him stare at attractive women from time to time; never saw him looking at men. For now, I'll just have to take him at his word.

    I am apathetic in a sense, but my heart hasn't fully turned to stone against him. Some part of me is holding on to a glimmer of hope, hence me even posting and soliciting advice. I am generally pretty logical, so I wouldn't do this if I saw no point or thought there was no chance.

    In addition to obviously still having feelings for him, I am in my early 30s and approaching the stage where the window for certain things starts to diminish, like having children, for example. I keep thinking about the fact that God hates divorce. Additionally, there is so much stigma attached to divorcees in the Christian community that I am apprehensive about having to put myself out there again, knowing my prospects will be very limited because of this. To suffer through all I have and then to be branded with another scarlet letter is a lot for me to bear. Moreover, no one in his family or mine have divorced...not saying that's a good or bad thing, but I don't want to be the first.

    Thanks for your response!

     
  19. Llleopard

    Llleopard Active Member

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    How are you? What a mess. A lot of what you say reminds me of my first marriage. Here's a couple of opinions. As an asexual person, I can tell you for free that asexuality is about having NO sexual desire. If your husband is into porn and fantasies, he is most likely not asexual. He is not necessarily gay or bi either. Take his word on that, he'd know, and it sounds to me like he is straight but with some paraphilias that you shouldn't have to share if you don't want to.
    My first ex disclosed a number of disturbing fetishes during our marriage. They, and porn are addictions, and unless the person actually wants to break free for themselves, the behaviours will only escalate over time. They will overtake time, money, you, and any children because they are true addictions. It would take an exceptional person, with huge support to break free. Don't count on it, frankly your man sounds like a selfish, immature person who will not ever choose the harder road on any issue, let alone his own gratification.
    My heart cries for you and your lovely baby. I can't imagine how that must have hurt, having the person you most wanted to share your grief and love for your baby with, turn their back on you. So many hugs for you xxx
    I am not surprised that you responded to someone who took advantage of your vulnerability and treated you as a human when you were at your lowest. I can totally see why you wouldn't feel any remorse either because it must have been wonderful to see a tiny glimpse of your dreams and be able to imagine a better situation where you are indeed treated with love and respect. Possibly one day you will feel remorse, but I don't see why you should try and force a feeling that just isn't there. Just decide what behaviour you want to have in the future and stick to that. Kissing isn't 'exactly' cheating - but it is the beyond the thin end of the cheating wedge as you know. Don't keep beating yourself up about it. Repent, move on, and work through remorse, guilt, etc. when you can.meanwhile, just think about preserving your own self worth and making choices that will protect you.
    As a divorced person, now wildly happy with my third (and last lol) husband, all I can say is, there are some things worse than divorce, one of which is men who don't love their wives as Christ loved the church, destroy their self worth and steal their best years with no intention of ever treating them well. And who will influence children in ways you will have no control over.
     
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