Character vs. Circumstances: what's more important in finding a date

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Ukrainia

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I'm 24 and currently I haven't yet reached the milestones many my age have reached by now - I haven't yet graduated from college (though I will be in a few weeks), or moved out of my parents house, or have a steady income (I'm working towards both, but it still might take a year).

On the other hand, I am motivated to find a good career, and have a lot of personality traits that I think are attractive to girls.

I'm wondering if someone more accomplished would be willing to date someone like me. What's your perspective?
 

Tamara224

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Sure, there are lots of women who would date someone in your situation. You have goals and you're working towards them. You've shown determination, planning and maturity.

I know a lot of people who got married before one or both of the couple had completed college or career training. Those couples generally work it out so that one works while the other finishes school. Then they switched and the other went to school. My cousin worked in the oil field for two years while his wife went to nursing school. Now that she's a nurse, he is going to school.

That's actually one of the benefits of marriage. IMHO. It gives both people more opportunities.
 
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Marycita

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Character is definitely more important....Circumstances can change in an instant..they aren't trustworthy when thinking about this kind of thing (well, or anything really :p). Even if you had a doctorate, your own house, and made a ton of money..all that could be gone in an instant...anyone who would only date you in "better" circumstances than you are in right now is probably not someone you should want anyway...
 
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Inkachu

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At 24, you haven't yet reached the age where the ladies will think "What? What is wrong with him?" Now if you're still living this way in 5 years, it might raise some eyebrows. So I wouldn't worry too much! There will be some girls who are more independent, and some in situations just like yours. I am all for young adults becoming independent and self-sufficient, but at 24 you've still got a bit of time left to establish yourself as a man.
 
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Amber.ly

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I don't think I would date anyone who didn't have a steady job and was on his own.

Only because I have been working FT since 18 and living on my own also, so dating a "college kid" would not work. We would be at very different stages.

But I don't think of it like I am in a "better" circumstance than you, just a different one. Making money and living on your own is good but it isn't better than doing the college thing.
 
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septemberskies

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At 24, you haven't yet reached the age where the ladies will think "What? What is wrong with him?" Now if you're still living this way in 5 years, it might raise some eyebrows. So I wouldn't worry too much! There will be some girls who are more independent, and some in situations just like yours. I am all for young adults becoming independent and self-sufficient, but at 24 you've still got a bit of time left to establish yourself as a man.

I totally agree. It's understandable that you are still working on establishing yourself. There are a lot of women that would accept things as-is. Also with things not being so well with the economy, there is more leniency. The important thing is that you improve your circumstances now so that you can be confident about yourself as time goes on.

I don't think I would date anyone who didn't have a steady job and was on his own.

Only because I have been working FT since 18 and living on my own also, so dating a "college kid" would not work. We would be at very different stages.

But I don't think of it like I am in a "better" circumstance than you, just a different one. Making money and living on your own is good but it isn't better than doing the college thing.

On a personal note I would agree with Amber.ly. I am a few years older so I would want someone who shared a similiar circumstance as myself. I am dating guys in their late 20's and early 30's so they would need to be settled. There are some factors I am flexible on but my hope is that we will have a lot in common. I definitely don't expect anything of someone that I haven't done myself so I think I'm reasonable on my standards.
 
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Tamara224

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Personal story (sort of). My sister just started dating a guy a few weeks ago who never finished college but has a pretty decent job. However, his apartment burned down a month or two ago, he lives with a friend, and his truck won't run, it needs repairs. He's about 33 or 34 years old.

Personally, I see his living with a friend and not having a working vehicle as yellow flags. In and of themselves, it's not a concern because things like that just happen sometimes. It's not like he can help it that his apartment caught fire or that his truck broke down. He claims that he'll have his truck fixed by the end of this month and then, once he has a vehicle, he'll find another apartment. And that, for me, is the real test.... if he follows through and gets his truck fixed and finds an apartment, then he'll get the sister-approved rating. If not - if he keeps mooching off my sister and his other friends for rides, etc .... then he won't get my approval. (Not that my sister needs my approval to date someone... but we're really close and she depends on me to see what she can't, as I do her).

It's not about finding yourself in a bad situation or not having quite reached your goals yet. It's about whether there's the follow-through.
 
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Ukrainia

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It's not about finding yourself in a bad situation or not having quite reached your goals yet. It's about whether there's the follow-through.

In a related question, how what is the best way to bring my less than steller current circumstances up? I'm on a dating site right now, and in my profile, for obvious reasons, I highlight my strengths. Their is a girl there who I haven't chatted with much, but it sounds like she is someone I'd like to meet and also sounds like she would be up for coffee sometime soon. She's also a year older than me and more successful. I hesitate to tell her of my current situation through a message because then she might not want to meet. But it would also be awkward to bring it up while we hang out (but at least then, she would have the opportunity to get to know me first). Any advice?
 
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Tamara224

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In a related question, how what is the best way to bring my less than steller current circumstances up? I'm on a dating site right now, and in my profile, for obvious reasons, I highlight my strengths. Their is a girl there who I haven't chatted with much, but it sounds like she is someone I'd like to meet and also sounds like she would be up for coffee sometime soon. She's also a year older than me and more successful. I hesitate to tell her of my current situation through a message because then she might not want to meet. But it would also be awkward to bring it up while we hang out (but at least then, she would have the opportunity to get to know me first). Any advice?


I think that if she's going to be put-off by your current situation, then she probably will be whether you tell her up front or you tell her later.

I think that your best bet is to go ahead and tell her where you currently are in life but do it in a positive way. Not telling her up front could have the unfortunate side-effect of making her think you're hiding stuff. (What else did he not tell me?)

The way you word it here (calling your current status relatively unsuccessful, for example) betrays that you are a bit insecure about it. Be careful not to poison your own well.

Turn the negatives into positives:

"I still live with my parents" becomes "My parents and I have a great relationship, living with them to help us all share expenses is good. I'll eventually leave them on their own, but right now this works best for all of us."

"I don't have a steady income" becomes "I'm getting my feet under me, learning how to implement the skills I learned or honed in school. In the next year or two, I'll be walking stronger and stronger."

"I haven't graduated from college yet" becomes "I'm a week away from having earned my degree and I feel great about what I've accomplished."

It may seem like PR spin... but people view us the way we present ourselves. If you show by your words that you are confident in your abilities, confident that you will one day soon be earning a steady income and self-sufficient, then others will also have confidence that you will do those things. (Also, if you have confidence that you can do it, you're more likely to do it).

I hope this gal is cool. If she doesn't like you for where you're at in life right now, then she's not cool. You are successful and you will continue to be successful. You've got the drive to get it done, where lots and lots of people have already quit. Any woman worth her salt will see that.
 
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U

Ukrainia

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I hope this gal is cool. If she doesn't like you for where you're at in life right now, then she's not cool. You are successful and you will continue to be successful. You've got the drive to get it done, where lots and lots of people have already quit. Any woman worth her salt will see that.

Thanks for the kind words Tamara,

As soon as I have enough money, I'm hiring you as my personal PR consultant. :)

I had mentioned coffee and she mentioned next week as a possible meeting time, so I'm going to try and make that work. We live fairly close and I'm sure both of us will want it to be casual, and due to my last date which didn't go well, my expectations won't be high. I'm thinking then - in the course of the conversation - would be a good time to tell her about my less than steller circumstances. And we both love cheese (insert numerous explamation points here) which I think more than makes up for any and all differences we may have.
 
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