CF Princesses, Your Advice, Please

SarahsKnight

Jesus Christ is this Knight's truth.
Supporter
Jul 15, 2014
11,022
11,982
39
Magnolia, AR
✟981,543.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
Dear single CF ladies (surely single by choice alone? ^_- ), may I ask for your wisdom regarding a female friend of mine? After all, you will surely know your own hearts better than any guy can know.^_^


I have known a girl named Jessica long ago through another forum community way back in 2007 through 09, approximately. We kept in scarce communication since 09 outside of the forums, but started speaking again fairly regularly through gmail and texting over the past two years now. In those forums way back when, some people like myself sort of continued a story in and of itself amongst the members. Jessica took on the persona of Mabrina the good queen of fairykind, and I was, of course, Sarah's Knight, personal protector of the Queen and all other fairies from more "evil" members of the place. We had a lot of fun back in those days, together, she, I, and many other forum members I still miss leaving behind a few years ago even today. In private, I spoke with Jessica about many things, including RPG video games like Final Fantasy since she, too, was a gamer. And of course, I was accustomed to talking sweetly to her as I would my other female friends.


But then, ... things have changed. ... Drastically.


I was shocked and greatly flattered, and I dare even say troubled, to hear Jessica confess to have romantic feelings for me, the other day. Not in person but in text, I mean. And I do not know how to continue treating her, now, as I fear that it is my fault, somehow. That the way I try to be around girls in general has misled her. I never intended to do that, trying to charm every girl I know and befriend romantically. I really don't. But that's how it is, now. And it seems Jessica has felt this way for a while, perhaps even as far back as when we a part of the past forum community. ... And thinking it about it, I actually kind of feel bad for saying that, too, in itself - that I fear I misled her - as I wonder if I am secretly insulting her a little as though I am saying she is not enough in touch with her emotions to love me maturely. But I don't mean to say it like that.


It's just I find it coincidental that she confessed her feelings almost immediately after I told her I loved her in text. But I meant it in the kind of way that a devoted friend, a brother, would say to a sister. Especially in relationships between believers. I've been trying to be there for her through depressing and lonely times she is experiencing lately, you see, and I guess I just wanted to say I loved her in an encouraging way, to assure her that there are people in her life who try to be there for her. She asked me what I meant by "love" in that regard, and I explained it to her as such. But then that was when she said that she would be lying if she pretended to not have a greater love for me. And now, after I had to try to let her down gently, she says she feels regret in having said it at all. But I don't want her to feel that way. I am certainly no one worth pining over, but I would hate to think of her as regretting expressing her care for someone, at the same time. It just seems so ... hopeless and cynical to be wary of even saying you love someone at all.

I love Jessica and dare say I would be willing to give my life for her if the time ever came that it would be necessary. But, I just cannot say she is the kind of girl I think I could love as my one, true Princess (my future wife, I mean).


And she has not replied back in a couple of days, and me being who I am I'm beginning to worry.



My dear CF ladies, have you any advice on how to go from here?

And honestly, do you think this all happened because I sometimes use such strong emotional language with my female friends, and that me saying something like "I love you, Jessie" sort of subconsciously elicited a romantic response from her when she too may just feel the same kind of fond friendship towards me as well at heart?
 
Last edited:

Messy

Well-Known Member
Jan 30, 2011
10,027
2,082
Holland
✟21,082.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
Genuinely asking, Messy, what is it exactly that you refer to as naive? Her feelings? My actions? The whole Sarah's Knight persona? Please be honest but tactful.:)

Well it's naive to think that when someone is lonely and looking for a partner and you start to talk like that and also meet only her that she will not get feelings for you. That's how it works with me. Talk sweet, smooth, oh you're so cute -> crush, even if it was meant just for fun. I even had it with a guy on a forum, I didn't even know what he looked like and it was meant to be funny. He even talks that way to married women, just for fun.
 
Upvote 0

SarahsKnight

Jesus Christ is this Knight's truth.
Supporter
Jul 15, 2014
11,022
11,982
39
Magnolia, AR
✟981,543.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
Ah, I see.

Well, I guess it was naive of me to think nothing of saying "I love you, Jessie" (probably even more inclined to be taken in an unintended way considering I used her name there in that shorthand way one might expect of a couple to address each other) to her. But, there, I really wasn't just trying to be "cute" or "sweet". I think it was me putting a little too much emotion into words of encouragement.

.... Well, I don't know; from my experience I personally see it as better for a girl (or myself, really) to be easily sweet-talked and charmed in a sort-of naive overly positive view of romantic love. I mean, I think it is much less harmful to be at that extreme than the other end, where a girl just has seemingly no emotions and is ridiculously cynical to where every guy she meets she is immediately suspect of. But, that's just me.




I really don't want Jessica to feel as hurt over this as she seemed to be in our last few texts before she cut off a few days ago. Nor so pessimistic-sounding. Poor girl, she even said she did not expect me to feel the same towards her at all anyway and thus she is especially regretful she ever brought it up. It just felt like she was trashing herself that badly. I mean, yes, I don't feel that kind of love for her, but, why say it like that? Surely someone will love her one day. I am not above her, and Heaven forbid I ever take her feelings for granted in any way. I never want to become that kind of guy.
 
Upvote 0

ReesePiece23

The Peanut Buttery Member.
Sep 17, 2013
5,790
5,260
33
✟286,318.00
Faith
Christian
Okay, as disturbing as the image may be, you need to picture me wearing a tiara.

Got the image in your head?

Good. Let's get to it.


Right, this is going to sound almost detrimental - but ironically, it's probably going to help you in the long run.

You need to start caring a lot less. Like, A LOT less. Because if you're like this during the early stages, then what on Earth are you going to be like later on down the road? I mean, this situation of yours is a ridiculously trivial matter, and you're writing 500 word posts about it. She's most likely not thinking about this - and if she is, then she's almost certainly not taking it to your level.

Women are already emotional enough - a generalisation maybe, but pretty solid from the women I've met. They don't tend to want someone who's as emotional (or perhaps more emotional) as they are, just in the same way as you probably wouldn't want a butch, shaven headed, tattooed, motorbike rider for a wife. (No offence to any butch, shaven headed, tattooed, motorbike riding women out there.)

Less is always more. Emotional and romantic gestures should be used sparingly, just to give your girl a bit of a jolt every now and then. Otherwise, it just becomes routine, and the effect very quickly diminishes.

Don't think too much about this. Just chill out and don't wear your heart on your sleeve so much. And remember, you should never respect anyone more than you respect yourself.
 
Upvote 0

Cute Tink

Blah
Supporter
Nov 22, 2002
19,570
4,624
✟102,861.00
Faith
Humanist
Marital Status
Single
Politics
US-Libertarian
My reply was lost to a crash...

Anyway, to sum up what I said before: yes, women can very much develop romantic feelings from ongoing charming and sweet-talking, especially if we feel like it's sincere. Not every woman, but it's a stereotype for a reason.

Also, she may be avoiding talking with you because she is probably embarrassed by the fact that she threw it out there and you don't feel the same way. She basically confirmed what she was already feeling. That will take a few days to move passed. I would suggest checking with her in a couple days and see where this friendship might go.
 
Upvote 0

SarahsKnight

Jesus Christ is this Knight's truth.
Supporter
Jul 15, 2014
11,022
11,982
39
Magnolia, AR
✟981,543.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
Thanks, Tink.




No, I get what you are saying, Reese. Although I don't think I really agree on the part about my wearing my heart on my sleeve too much on this. I just can't help but be concerned, maybe precisely because I have a fear that I'll go to the opposite, completely undesirable extreme of being a heartless jerk (or, basically to get the point across - a "bad boy") if I just "chill out" about it. I would be willing to call it being possibly overly sensitive, even naive, but, well, I am who I am.
 
Upvote 0

Messy

Well-Known Member
Jan 30, 2011
10,027
2,082
Holland
✟21,082.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
Women are already emotional enough - a generalisation maybe, but pretty solid from the women I've met. They don't tend to want someone who's as emotional (or perhaps more emotional) as they are, just in the same way as you probably wouldn't want a butch, shaven headed, tattooed, motorbike rider for a wife. (No offence to any butch, shaven headed, tattooed, motorbike riding women out there.)
I don't know about other women, but not true for me. One that starts whining and behaves like a victim, yes, bleeh, but a guy with emotions he expresses: wow those are rare.
 
Upvote 0

ReesePiece23

The Peanut Buttery Member.
Sep 17, 2013
5,790
5,260
33
✟286,318.00
Faith
Christian
No, nobody want's to be a 'bad boy' - and don't even get me started on the alpha male, beta male crap.

What's possibly an idea though is to shoot for being a nice person with sensitive and caring qualities. Because it's sounds as if you're too much on the sensitive and caring end of the spectrum, and you're not 'centred' enough. Being sensitive has actually become you, rather than it being a trait of yours.

And I'm thinking of you and your mental stability when I say all of this, because it WILL wear you out eventually. Trust me, I've done the same - I've gone absolutely flat out with my career, or one of my MANY hobbies and interests, and have almost sectioned myself for doing too much. Okay, there weren't other people involved, but the principal is still the same.

Anyway, from what I've been told, I tend to turn women on with my useless facts on life, and with my in-depth answers to questions that were never asked. Don't ask me why, but my girls like to be bored to tears.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

ReesePiece23

The Peanut Buttery Member.
Sep 17, 2013
5,790
5,260
33
✟286,318.00
Faith
Christian
I don't know about other women, but not true for me. One that starts whining and behaves like a victim, yes, bleeh, but a guy with emotions he expresses: wow those are rare.

Admittedly getting relationship advice from me, is like getting fitness advice from a morbidly obese couch potato - you know, the type who only exercise if they're chasing a doughnut that's rolling down a hill.

So yeah, don't take what I say seriously. Ha! Ha!
 
Upvote 0

SarahsKnight

Jesus Christ is this Knight's truth.
Supporter
Jul 15, 2014
11,022
11,982
39
Magnolia, AR
✟981,543.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
What's possibly an idea though is to shoot for being a nice person with sensitive and caring qualities. Because it's sounds as if you're too much on the sensitive and caring end of the spectrum, and you're not 'centred' enough. Being sensitive has actually become you, rather than it being a trait of yours.

And I'm thinking of you and your mental stability when I say all of this, because it WILL wear you out eventually. Trust me, I've done the same - I've gone absolutely flat out with my career, or one of my MANY hobbies and interests, and have almost sectioned myself for doing too much. Okay, there weren't other people involved, but the principal is still the same.

Anyway, from what I've been told, I tend to turn women on with my useless facts on life, and with my in-depth answers to questions that were never asked. Don't ask me why, but my girls like to be bored to tears.

.... You're right. And I feel this advice is better, if I may be honest, than what what you gave in the first post, as it is not only sage but more tactful. I appreciate it.
 
Upvote 0

JojotheBeloved

Part of the Family
Apr 18, 2014
466
52
✟8,622.00
Faith
SDA
Marital Status
Married
SarahsKnight

I think you're over-thinking things. Take a breathe and relax a bit.

It is natural for a woman to feel drawn to someone she is close friends with, respects, has common interests with etc. Especially if there is flirty language involved it's only normal for her to begin to feel that way. That's not necessarily your fault or hers, it's just what happens when two people of opposite gender have close emotional intimacy.
So stop beating yourself up over it.

The reason she's probably avoiding you is that she's more than likely embarrassed because she professed deeper feelings for you than you have for her. It's still possible to be friends, but she's going to need some time to get over that instance of embarrassment. So just relax and let her have some time to herself.

All of that being said...

I did notice that on your profile it says you're 30 years old. I recognize that could just be something you put online because you don't want to make the real info public. If that's the case... never mind. But if you really are a 30 year old adult man, I would suggest taking some time to yourself to evaluate how you communicate with people. If you're always flirting and using overly emotional language just for fun, you may want to ask yourself how this is perceived by others and do you really want to continue to do that? This type of issue is usually one I help teenagers deal with and most people grow out of this type of behavior as they begin to get more serious with their adult lives. Just saying (and I admit I could be interpreting things incorrectly, and if that's the case, I apologize).

I do agree that you shouldn't be cynical and withhold brotherly love for fear of others becoming too attached. Each individual must take responsibility for their own feelings and how they choose to act on them. But maybe when expressing such brotherly affection, it may be wise (if you wish to avoid this situation again) to consistently make it clear what type of affection you're intending to express. For example, I have a friend who is male who is very close to me. We call each other best friends, we unashamedly do fun things together and make plans, we hug each other, we sometimes hold hands if we feel the need... BUT it is clear to both of us and has been made clear on multiple occasions the type of relationship we have and we want to continue having. There is no question in either of our minds how the other person feels, because we've been bluntly honest with one another. So when we say "I love you" to the other person, it is clear what is meant is brotherly/sisterly love. Make sense?
 
Upvote 0

SarahsKnight

Jesus Christ is this Knight's truth.
Supporter
Jul 15, 2014
11,022
11,982
39
Magnolia, AR
✟981,543.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
I did notice that on your profile it says you're 30 years old. I recognize that could just be something you put online because you don't want to make the real info public. If that's the case... never mind. But if you really are a 30 year old adult man, I would suggest taking some time to yourself to evaluate how you communicate with people. If you're always flirting and using overly emotional language just for fun, you may want to ask yourself how this is perceived by others and do you really want to continue to do that? This type of issue is usually one I help teenagers deal with and most people grow out of this type of behavior as they begin to get more serious with their adult lives. Just saying (and I admit I could be interpreting things incorrectly, and if that's the case, I apologize).

I do agree that you shouldn't be cynical and withhold brotherly love for fear of others becoming too attached. Each individual must take responsibility for their own feelings and how they choose to act on them. But maybe when expressing such brotherly affection, it may be wise (if you wish to avoid this situation again) to consistently make it clear what type of affection you're intending to express. For example, I have a friend who is male who is very close to me. We call each other best friends, we unashamedly do fun things together and make plans, we hug each other, we sometimes hold hands if we feel the need... BUT it is clear to both of us and has been made clear on multiple occasions the type of relationship we have and we want to continue having. There is no question in either of our minds how the other person feels, because we've been bluntly honest with one another. So when we say "I love you" to the other person, it is clear what is meant is brotherly/sisterly love. Make sense?

No, you have not necessarily interpreted things incorrectly, Miss Jojo.

I am telling the truth of my age, but I do feel that perhaps to the normal observer it would be easy to see me as acting somewhat childish and naive for my age, with this knightly persona. Still, I believe in it. It may not sound serious, but I take sincere pride in it. :)

And I am glad that you have that kind of friendship with someone of the opposing gender. I think it is nice to have a few such relationships in one's life.


I do periodically assure my female friends that, while I mean for my compliments to be sincere, they may come off as playful or just cutesy or something because it is simply who I am, and I do not mean for them to be taken romantically because if I DO come to actually like them in this way, then I will not hesitate to just flat out say it. I don't believe in holding back on that. ^_-
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

Shattered-Reflections

Saved by Grace
Nov 13, 2008
1,386
219
✟10,131.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Private
Politics
US-Libertarian
And she has not replied back in a couple of days, and me being who I am I'm beginning to worry.

My dear CF ladies, have you any advice on how to go from here?

And honestly, do you think this all happened because I sometimes use such strong emotional language with my female friends, and that me saying something like "I love you, Jessie" sort of subconsciously elicited a romantic response from her when she too may just feel the same kind of fond friendship towards me as well at heart?



From the posts I've read on here, I would say you are rather charming and I'm not surprise if you get a lot of crushes. I don't think being playful is bad or unhealthy, but if you think you're leading ladies on then maybe you should try something different. Roleplaying is a form of flirting, especially used in the context of knights and princesses. So you may need to find a better balance with your interactions, maybe save your romantic side for your girlfriend or wife. After all, how are you going to act around women once you're married? A switch doesn't flip and you suddenly know how to act around women. I'm not saying you should be a cold jerk or unkind to the ladies. I think you should be able to say "I love you and care for you as a friend" and give encouragement and treat women as valuable sisters, but you may need to learn better boundaries now when there's a whole lot less consequence. You can still be a man of integrity and honor without the roleplaying or over the top language.

Moreover, just because you're being yourself, doesn't mean who you are is healthy or beneficial. It also doesn't mean you have appropriate boundaries or your actions aren't inherently selfish. So don't fall into "I am who I am" mentality. Remember who you are is in Christ and who you are should be molded by that. One day you may find you have to let go of things you once thought were good because you were wrong.

Not to negate what I just said, but no matter how you act people will still have crushes on you. During a time in my life where I wanted no male attention, was cold and harsh, and made it clear I wasn't interested, I STILL had guys interested in me and even a guy head-over-heels for me. There have been other times where I was extremely careful about my words and interactions, doing everything I could not to mislead anyone, but still kind, caring, but not avoiding people. And guys still developed crushes on me. People will like who they like. If you're a likeable person underneath it all, people will like you. Being likeable is different than leading others on. You can't control the private hearts of others, it's theirs. Even if you messed up unintentionally or weren't as clear as you should have been, they are ultimately responsible for their reactions.

Everyone has to mature and become adults. We all go through hurt and brokenness. Life isn't about avoiding pain, it's about learning to live. And for those who are Christians, it's also about becoming like Christ. You can't and you shouldn't protect or save people from painful situations, we all need them so we can put aside childish fears and unrealistic ideals and learn how to face life.

Like others have said, she's embarrassed. Often when people bottle up their emotions, especially romantic feelings that grow, eventually it becomes unbearable to hold it in. So even when chances are neigh for a return on feelings, people express their feelings if only to get it off their chest. This isn't a bad thing really. But the aftermath (if not accepted) can be hard and embarrassing to deal with. Whether a difficulty with accepting rejection in a healthy way or worrying about ruining a friendship. Unless she said she regrets having feelings for you, chances are she just regrets openly expressing she had feelings for you. That's extremely normal.

All you can do is assure her that you're there and you're still a friend. It's up to her whether or not she can handle it or needs space. What she needs is another friend or mentor to help her process her situation, but you cannot help her through this. So leave it in God hands and pray.

Some practical advice: be deliberate with talking with women. If you see her as a friend, don't say "princess" or "beloved" or other romantic language, say "friend". If you say "I love you" say "I love you, you're a good friend." Because that does send a clear message. A girl may still develop feelings, but at least you weren't confusing.
 
Upvote 0

SarahsKnight

Jesus Christ is this Knight's truth.
Supporter
Jul 15, 2014
11,022
11,982
39
Magnolia, AR
✟981,543.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
From the posts I've read on here, I would say you are rather charming and I'm not surprise if you get a lot of crushes.

Thank you, Miss Shattered. I am not just being cute when I say that I was humbled by your compliment.:)



And your advice I think is very sound, overall. I have thought a time or two before about how I must re-evaluate the way I treat all other women if I ever become married to one girl I intend to be loyal to for the rest of my life, because it is true that I simply won't be able to just keep on interacting with them the exact same way I do now. I mean, I think it would be a natural human reaction if my wife were to be just a little uncomfortable with me directly saying "I love you" to any women who are not related to me by filial means, even if it should be obvious that I meant that in the way I as a Christ believer should treat all women as valued sisters. But most guys simply do not communicate with women outside their family the way that I do, so I can understand if me being the exact same might cause my wife to raise an eyebrow. It is something I have to think about.




But I appreciate your taking the time to try to help this much, Shattered.
 
Upvote 0

TheGirlOnFire

By order of the Peaky blinders
Supporter
Dec 16, 2014
4,123
2,896
Hogwarts
✟124,782.00
Country
United Kingdom
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Politics
UK-Labour
I think you actually like it, having crushes, becoming this knight.... so in this way its not really surpising that you have a girl having feelings for you..... it happens all the time, and you do have to take responability for being a part of that... this it wasn't your fault, I didn't know what i was doing etc is well as messy said navie....

Your 30 if you want to play the man then start acting like one would help, and then you would get yourself into this....


Above all now you have told her how she feels, she's probably feeling a bit embarrassed and taking time out to figure out were she goes from here. Maybe next time treat women as you male friends you wouldn't call them "names" or turn them into objects of your fairy tale ? draw the line then no one gets hurt.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums