caught in the middle - step family

tgreen78

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Ok - I am new here and I am looking for some help with a problem that is tearing me up. First off let me say that I don't come from a Christian background and I did not have a stable or moral upbringing, so I realize that my perceptions and feelings may be skewed. That leaves me felling unsure of myself especially in relation to my husband who is ALWAYS sure of himself.

I have been married for 6 years. My husband has a teenage son who lives with us, I have an 11yr old son from previous relationship and we have a 4 year old son together. My husband can be rather harsh. He is very black and white and I feel he is hard on all the kids, but especially my son, his stepson. I feel he mostly sees him negatively. He doesn't have the soft spot for him that he has for the other 2. I know that's natural, but I feel as the adult he should be conscious of that and compensate for it. You know - fake it til you make it. He doesn't see it that way , but is quick to point out any perceived slights to his son (my stepson) by me. We definitely have issues.

So, to the issue at hand. My husband has never allowed my stepson to go to dances. For the most part stepson has been accepting of this. He did sneak and go to one when he was with his mom one weekend. He got in trouble.

My son is in middle school this year. He wants to go to the upcoming dance. I don't see the harm in it but I respect my husbands authority on this. However, my son's father is in the picture. He doesn't see the problem. In fact he wants him to go as he has fond memories of his middle school dances. My son will actually be at his dad's the night of the dance. He feels stuck in between wanting to go and not wanting to make my husband mad. I feel stuck in the middle of everything. There will be a storm coming if my husband finds out he went.

Any thoughts or advice on what I should do?
 

Tropical Wilds

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Co-parenting should be a team effort between the houses where you, your husband, the child’s father, and his wife/partner all work towards a solution. If that isn’t possible due to a disagreement of some sort, then the decision should lie with the parents only. If there’s still disagreement and there’s no court order, parenting plan, or anything to direct how it goes, then the default decision is on the parent who’s got the child that night, I suppose. Since the child is with the other parent and they’re the one getting the child to and from the event, if they’re willing to do it then I’d say that’s the decision to go with.

If the father said he was fine with the kid going but wouldn’t take him and required you to do it, then the matter becomes between you and your husband, but as is? Since you don’t care and your ex is ok with it and at his house at the time, if your child wants to go he should be able to do so guilt free.

That’s how I’m fairly sure it would play out in our household. As hard as it is to swallow for your husband, your child’s father does have a say that’s more pivotal than he does. If you get to a point where your son feels like he has to choose between one or the other of his father or stepfather, it will not play out well for your husband or you. He will choose his father over his mother and a stepfather he feels trying to undermine his dad. Trust the voice of experience on this one... And that causes way more issues that are more complex than this.
 
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tgreen78

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I know everything you are saying is true. That's why I'm so torn up about this. We go to a very conservative church and are the only blended family. Dances are a no-no.

The problem is I can't talk to him about it without him blowing up and its complicated by the fact that I don't feel he's always the nicest to my son
 
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Tropical Wilds

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The dances as a no-no is fine, if that’s what his belief is, but his belief doesn’t overrule what you or the child’s father has to say.

And I sympathize with him... It’s stupid hard to have all the responsibility of parenting a child but none of the decision making and navigating the internal struggle that comes in being secure enough in you, your spouse, and your relationship that you step aside and let your spouse do something as intimate as parenting with somebody else. Allowing and being ok with seeing that intimacy occur in front of you but without you? It bites at first.

You have to be your child’s advocate though. It won’t go well, but it has to be addressed. With a similarly aged stepson, this is that age where they are making their last bonds as children before putting on adulthood training wheels. I think it’s quite clear he’s formed impressions of all of us, for better or worse, that will be hard to redirect or rationalize very soon. It’s an age with a lot of confusion without the two household factor... If that’s fed into, he’s going to start picking sides. Your husband’s position isn’t going to compute very well for your son as it won’t make sense to him why his stepdad feels one way while his dad, his dad’s partner, and all of his peers presumably feel another.
 
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tgreen78

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I like what you said about how it's hard for him to watch me parent with someone else. I think that's probably true and I hadn't thought of it that way.
Maybe it's my fault he doesn't feel secure enough in our relationship. That's something I need to work on.
I have been on the verge of leaving him recently and it's tearing me up. He is so hard to talk to.
I think I am going to talk to one of the elders at our church for help.
 
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Endeavourer

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The problem is I can't talk to him about it without him blowing up and its complicated by the fact that I don't feel he's always the nicest to my son

THIS is your problem; not the dances.

A marriage can survive a lot of things, including an affair, but it cannot survive anger.
 
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Endeavourer

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I think I am going to talk to one of the elders at our church for help.

I would be careful about this. Most elders are not trained in marriage counseling and some churches have seriously harmed relationships, very unintentionally, with terrible advice.
 
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Tropical Wilds

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I like what you said about how it's hard for him to watch me parent with someone else. I think that's probably true and I hadn't thought of it that way.
Maybe it's my fault he doesn't feel secure enough in our relationship. That's something I need to work on.
I have been on the verge of leaving him recently and it's tearing me up. He is so hard to talk to.
I think I am going to talk to one of the elders at our church for help.

No, it’s not your fault. It’s not his fault either. It’s one of those crazy feelings that pop up and you don’t know why it comes or where it comes from. This is the blended family boogie. We all do it. It’s really natural to feel jealous over seeing your partner share something like parenting with somebody else, then having to exclude you sometimes. It’s not for the faint-of-heart.

I tend to agree with the person above, though. I think it’s a symptom of a larger problem of communication and avoiding conflict to keep peace... But conflicts aren’t avoided. They’re stored up, now you’re running out of places to avoid...
 
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tgreen78

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I appreciate the word of caution about going to the elder for help. I think it is a good first step at this time and he is someone that I very much trust, but I do understand what you are saying.

Thank you for everyone's advice. I am done avoiding this and I am determined to make some changes and stand up for myself and my son.
 
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live4Christ2016

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At the end of the day....he is not the child's father. If he stays with his dad during the dance and it's decided between the two of you that he can go then it is not your husband's place to butt in.
Your husband should respect your decision to work things out with his dad.
Just a question....I don't know anything about co-parenting, but is your son unhappy living in this house with your husband? If he shows he doesn't really like him this could be terrible for your son. If he is unhappy do you think he should go and live with his real dad?
There is nothing wrong with going to dances in middle school as long as parents drop kids off and pick them up and the dance is well chaperoned.
Hope you can get this worked out.
 
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