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Catholic joke

Discussion in 'Clean/Christian Jokes' started by The Barbarian, Jul 23, 2021.

  1. The Barbarian

    The Barbarian Crabby Old White Guy

    +8,423
    United States
    Catholic
    Married
    US-Libertarian
    A Franciscan, a Dominican, and a Jesuit were sitting together, studying in a room, when suddenly the lights went out.

    “My brothers, let us take this opportunity to meditate on how much we owe to our sister, the light, a gift from our Lord,” the Franciscan said.

    “Yes, but let us also take this opportunity to think deeply and write on the difference between light and dark,” the Dominican added. 

    Meanwhile, the Jesuit went to the basement, found the fuse box, and reset the breaker.
     
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  2. Tokitee

    Tokitee A prayer warrior in the Catholic Church.

    61
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    ^_^
     
  3. Bob Crowley

    Bob Crowley Well-Known Member Supporter

    +1,202
    Australia
    Catholic
    Married
    Jesus said, “Who do people say that I am?”

    And his disciples answered and said, “Some say you are John the Baptist returned from the dead; others say Elijah, or one of the prophets.

    And Jesus answered and said, “But who do you say that I am?”

    Peter answered and said, “Thou art the Logos, existing in the Father as His rationality and then, by an act of His will, being generated, in consideration of the various functions by which God is related to his creation, but only on the fact that Scripture speaks of a Father, and a Son, and a Holy Spirit, each member of the Trinity being coequal with every other member, and each acting inseparably with and interpenetrating every other member, with only an economic subordination within God, but causing no division which would make the substance no longer simple.”

    And Jesus said, “What?”
     
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  4. Bob Crowley

    Bob Crowley Well-Known Member Supporter

    +1,202
    Australia
    Catholic
    Married
    “Well, I think the time has finally come,” the new priest sadly exclaimed to his fellow religious at the bishop’s wake. “I was visiting the the bishop in ICU as he was on his deathbed, and as he took he his last breaths in this world, he put great effort into writing me a message on a slip of paper. I could see how difficult just jotting down the message was for him, and then he signaled to me to come and take the paper from him.

    “I have been waiting,” the priest said emotionally, “to share this message with you. I will now read his words to you, which I myself have not yet read.” With that the priest ceremoniously unfolded the piece of paper he had been holding onto since the death of the bishop, and read in a loud clear voice for everyone at the wake to hear, ” You are standing on my oxygen tube ...."
     
  5. Bob Crowley

    Bob Crowley Well-Known Member Supporter

    +1,202
    Australia
    Catholic
    Married
    A man was walking along the beach, enjoying an afternoon vacation stroll, when he heard someone screaming. Looking around he saw an obviously distraught woman kneeling next to a little girl. The man quickly determined the child had swallowed something that was blocking her airway and held her up by her heels and gave a few quick thumps to her back. Sure enough, the child started to sputter and cough and spit a coin onto the sand.

    “Oh, thank you sir!” cried the grateful mother. You seemed to know exactly what to do. Are you a doctor?”

    “No, ma’am,” the man replied. “I’m retired. But I am the chair of the stewardship committee for my church.”
     
  6. Bob Crowley

    Bob Crowley Well-Known Member Supporter

    +1,202
    Australia
    Catholic
    Married
    There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning. I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said: “Hello sir, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.

    So I said, “Come in and sit down.”

    I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, “What do you want to talk about?”

    He said, “Beats me. Nobody ever let me in before.”
     
  7. Bob Crowley

    Bob Crowley Well-Known Member Supporter

    +1,202
    Australia
    Catholic
    Married
    The preacher’s Sunday sermon was Forgive Your Enemies. Toward the end of the service, He asked his congregation, “how many of you have forgiven their enemies”?

    About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady.

    “Mrs. Jones?” inquired the preacher, Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?

    “I don’t have any.” she replied. smiling sweetly.

    “Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?” “Ninety-three,” she replied.

    “Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world.”

    The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said “I outlived the old hags.”
     
  8. East of Eden

    East of Eden Well-Known Member

    769
    +210
    United States
    Baptist
    Married
    A rabbi and a priest were seated together at a dinner. The priest asked the rabbi, "When are you going to let go of that old tradition and eat pork?" The rabbi replied, "At your wedding, Father."
     
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