- Mar 25, 2015
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I am just using the form to clear my head. It actually helps me to post because I see what feelings I am having and I ponder over what I am saying. It may be a long post and I do not expect anyone to read it all, but if you do, thanks. Just know it helps me to put it out in front of me and it helps me clear my head when I am feeling stressed and frustrated.
My mother is just 1 ½ months shy of being 89. Her memory is far from perfect, but neither is she suffering from dementia or Alzheimer’s. I view it as simply the normal and expected memory decline that many seniors get. She has advanced COPD and is stubborn. She is functional and does live in her own home. She lives in New Jersey and I live in Montana. I travel out to visit and help with what I can a minimum of 4 times a year. I have 2 sisters, one who lives fairly close to mom and the other is in Virginia. I am in my mid 50’s now and my sisters are a decade and that plus 3 years older than me. Mom is not the easiest person to get along with and my sisters seem to get the brunt of the problems. I somehow manage to avoid the fights, but I have seen a share of them.
My sister in Virginia rarely comes up, and if/when she does it seems to be more of a “family” visit, meaning she runs off for the day to be with my other sister or see some tourist area. I admit that mom and she will fight, but it does bother me greatly that I cannot rely on her to come out and help mom. She always wants me to tell her when I am going out to see mom so she can plan a trip then, and I intentionally do not tell her when I get the tickets. I feel that it would be best if she would come out on her own a few times a year when I am not here, to add greater coverage at moms.
My sister who lives near mom tries to see her a few times a week and I know that she gets a lot of “poop” from mom. Mom and she fight a lot and some of the fights will be bad enough that my mother refuses to see or talk to my sister for long periods. Over my life I can remember some of those times exceeding a year! Now mom is mad at her again and it makes it harder for me because I come out more often and try to help from afar. And I really do not enjoy the flying and time it takes to get to NJ. We have only a regional airport and I have to take multiple flights, plus it is 10 to 15 hours door to door (my home to her home and or the other way). But I digress, so now mom won’t talk to my sister again and I am now in New Jersey on a week trip trying to help care for mom.
Mom forgets to take her medications all the time and when I give them to her, she does not like taking the meds. She hates not being able to breath and other issues, but getting her to take the steps to help the issues is like trying to get a 2 year old to eat spinach or broccoli. This morning I got her to allow me to contact some eldercare places to see about having someone come over for 2 hours a day to make her lunch, clean her dishes, fold laundry and give her medications. Trying to strike while the iron is hot (and because I fly home in 2 days) I went to the company this morning to talk to them. It is hard and I feel uncomfortable because I have to explain my mother’s attitude and how she thinks and try not to offend. Being 89 I am not going to try to change her, so I need to make sure that someone who will come will be someone she will accept and not fire (which she has done plenty of times in the past). *sigh* So they will be stopping by her home today at 4 for a meeting with the person who will come around daily and the account manager. I have no idea how that will go yet, I am praying mom remains receptive and tie up the loose ends and set this up tonight or tomorrow, because I am gone after. Mean time I will continue to try to get mom to allow my sister back in the house, because that is going to be key sine she is the one person near and who can come out at a moments notice.
Getting old is not pleasant. I watched my mom’s mother get alzhiemer’s, end up in a horrible nursing home who cared so poorly for her she had to get her leg amputated… I watched my father get dementia and also die with no mind in a veteran’s home… I watched my father’s mother break her hip and lose the ability to walk and die of a massive heart attack…. I watched my father’s dad go though a slow mental decline (never totally losing his mind) and get colon cancer at 98. I do not look forward to my future I suppose. I never got married, have no children (I was always afraid I would not be a good father, like my dad, so I made it a point to avoid that just in case) and so if I end up in a bad decline, I’ll have no one to care for me. That does bother me now. How great it would be if I could go back in time to meet with myself at 20 and explain a lot to myself.
I probably would not have been very receptive to my own advice though.
I bought a lot of “TV dinner” trays and on my trip here last month and on this trip have made over 45 dinner for mom. She cannot figure out a microwave oven and so the easiest way to give her dinners was to make them and load up the “TV dinner” trays with the portion sizes I know she will eat, and put directions on each one on how to make them. I used to just make loads of food and freeze it, but my mother just will not throw out old food. I will find long expired stuff in the cabinets and refrigerator and throw them out, and of course she gets mad and does not want me to, so I am forced to do it after she goes to bed. I threw out mayonnaise yesterday that was opened and expired in 2013! That is something I’ll have to make sure a person who will come to her home daily can do. I do not understand why she is doing that now. The mother who raised me would be appalled at my current mother’s behavior with food. I know it. So for now she has bunches of dinners and her freezer is packed and there is no room for anything else now.
Ahh, I manager all her bills, or at least try to. I took her to a dentist today as she had a appointment and found she owed them money from last month. So I have them my billing information and now they will send me the bills and I’ll handle them like I do all her other bills. At least that will help when I try to locate all her medical bills next tax season. For many years I have to make a special trip to see her and spend days scouring her bank statements to locate information I need.
No, I am not complaining about doing this stuff, just letting off some pressure. Ultimately I am happy to do what I can, she is my mother and who, what and why I am is owed to both her and my father. It is just that sometimes you can feel overwhelmed. As I said at the start, running my disjoined thoughts this way allows me to ponder as I type, pause and think over issues and to relieve some steam. It is more therapeutic for me at times I can use it. So if you stayed with my ramblings this far I thank you. If you are someone who is struggling to help or fully care for their parents, then I offer you my prayers and tell you “Thank you for what you also do”. One day they will no longer be with you and know that you cannot go back. Love what you have now and know that one day you will see them again.
David
My mother is just 1 ½ months shy of being 89. Her memory is far from perfect, but neither is she suffering from dementia or Alzheimer’s. I view it as simply the normal and expected memory decline that many seniors get. She has advanced COPD and is stubborn. She is functional and does live in her own home. She lives in New Jersey and I live in Montana. I travel out to visit and help with what I can a minimum of 4 times a year. I have 2 sisters, one who lives fairly close to mom and the other is in Virginia. I am in my mid 50’s now and my sisters are a decade and that plus 3 years older than me. Mom is not the easiest person to get along with and my sisters seem to get the brunt of the problems. I somehow manage to avoid the fights, but I have seen a share of them.
My sister in Virginia rarely comes up, and if/when she does it seems to be more of a “family” visit, meaning she runs off for the day to be with my other sister or see some tourist area. I admit that mom and she will fight, but it does bother me greatly that I cannot rely on her to come out and help mom. She always wants me to tell her when I am going out to see mom so she can plan a trip then, and I intentionally do not tell her when I get the tickets. I feel that it would be best if she would come out on her own a few times a year when I am not here, to add greater coverage at moms.
My sister who lives near mom tries to see her a few times a week and I know that she gets a lot of “poop” from mom. Mom and she fight a lot and some of the fights will be bad enough that my mother refuses to see or talk to my sister for long periods. Over my life I can remember some of those times exceeding a year! Now mom is mad at her again and it makes it harder for me because I come out more often and try to help from afar. And I really do not enjoy the flying and time it takes to get to NJ. We have only a regional airport and I have to take multiple flights, plus it is 10 to 15 hours door to door (my home to her home and or the other way). But I digress, so now mom won’t talk to my sister again and I am now in New Jersey on a week trip trying to help care for mom.
Mom forgets to take her medications all the time and when I give them to her, she does not like taking the meds. She hates not being able to breath and other issues, but getting her to take the steps to help the issues is like trying to get a 2 year old to eat spinach or broccoli. This morning I got her to allow me to contact some eldercare places to see about having someone come over for 2 hours a day to make her lunch, clean her dishes, fold laundry and give her medications. Trying to strike while the iron is hot (and because I fly home in 2 days) I went to the company this morning to talk to them. It is hard and I feel uncomfortable because I have to explain my mother’s attitude and how she thinks and try not to offend. Being 89 I am not going to try to change her, so I need to make sure that someone who will come will be someone she will accept and not fire (which she has done plenty of times in the past). *sigh* So they will be stopping by her home today at 4 for a meeting with the person who will come around daily and the account manager. I have no idea how that will go yet, I am praying mom remains receptive and tie up the loose ends and set this up tonight or tomorrow, because I am gone after. Mean time I will continue to try to get mom to allow my sister back in the house, because that is going to be key sine she is the one person near and who can come out at a moments notice.
Getting old is not pleasant. I watched my mom’s mother get alzhiemer’s, end up in a horrible nursing home who cared so poorly for her she had to get her leg amputated… I watched my father get dementia and also die with no mind in a veteran’s home… I watched my father’s mother break her hip and lose the ability to walk and die of a massive heart attack…. I watched my father’s dad go though a slow mental decline (never totally losing his mind) and get colon cancer at 98. I do not look forward to my future I suppose. I never got married, have no children (I was always afraid I would not be a good father, like my dad, so I made it a point to avoid that just in case) and so if I end up in a bad decline, I’ll have no one to care for me. That does bother me now. How great it would be if I could go back in time to meet with myself at 20 and explain a lot to myself.
I probably would not have been very receptive to my own advice though.I bought a lot of “TV dinner” trays and on my trip here last month and on this trip have made over 45 dinner for mom. She cannot figure out a microwave oven and so the easiest way to give her dinners was to make them and load up the “TV dinner” trays with the portion sizes I know she will eat, and put directions on each one on how to make them. I used to just make loads of food and freeze it, but my mother just will not throw out old food. I will find long expired stuff in the cabinets and refrigerator and throw them out, and of course she gets mad and does not want me to, so I am forced to do it after she goes to bed. I threw out mayonnaise yesterday that was opened and expired in 2013! That is something I’ll have to make sure a person who will come to her home daily can do. I do not understand why she is doing that now. The mother who raised me would be appalled at my current mother’s behavior with food. I know it. So for now she has bunches of dinners and her freezer is packed and there is no room for anything else now.
Ahh, I manager all her bills, or at least try to. I took her to a dentist today as she had a appointment and found she owed them money from last month. So I have them my billing information and now they will send me the bills and I’ll handle them like I do all her other bills. At least that will help when I try to locate all her medical bills next tax season. For many years I have to make a special trip to see her and spend days scouring her bank statements to locate information I need.
No, I am not complaining about doing this stuff, just letting off some pressure. Ultimately I am happy to do what I can, she is my mother and who, what and why I am is owed to both her and my father. It is just that sometimes you can feel overwhelmed. As I said at the start, running my disjoined thoughts this way allows me to ponder as I type, pause and think over issues and to relieve some steam. It is more therapeutic for me at times I can use it. So if you stayed with my ramblings this far I thank you. If you are someone who is struggling to help or fully care for their parents, then I offer you my prayers and tell you “Thank you for what you also do”. One day they will no longer be with you and know that you cannot go back. Love what you have now and know that one day you will see them again.
David
