Caring for my mother (widow)

[sccs]

In light of 1 Timothy 5:3-4 (as well as the overall context), what should be my actions in regards to my mother, a widow?

In four months, I will be attending graduate school, looking to pursue a masters degree (and potentially a PhD) in computer science. I also have a research position lined up as well. I live about 12 hours of flight time away from my mother. My mother is a widow as well as my grandmother. Lately, my mother has been taking care of grandmother. They are financially taken care of but mother has been stressed and busy with caregiving and other work-related stuff.

My question is: does the above Scripture mean I should quit my schooling in order to go home and take care of my mother for the rest of her life? Scripture tells me that as her child, I should live out my faith and care for her and also not to be called worse than an unbeliever.

However, I will admit, I am selfish and I want to have my career, my relationships, and such. But I don't want to be disobedient to God if his word tells me to quit my job/schooling and take care of my mom for the rest of her life. I am just worried about how will I make money and find a spouse if I am attached to my mother all the time.

 

[football5680]

If your mother is financially stable and able to care for herself then you should finish school. It would be best for the both of you if you could get a good job and become financially secure yourself. There may be a time in the future when your mother cannot adequately take care of herself and if you are financially secure you can devote more time to her.

 

[tturt]

Good advice.

Since your mom is stressed, can someone else in the family, or hire someone or an elder assistance program to run errands or care for the grandmother a portion of the time?

 

[sccs]

Thank you for your advice, everybody.

@tturt: There is no one else in the family. Just grandmother, mother, and myself. We have been trying to work with some elderly assistance programs but grandmother just complains that it is too expensive even though that means the burden falls on my mother. As some point, this falls into the realm of elderly care and we'll just have to make decisions for the good of the family instead of just letting her refusal to get outside help ruin my mother's life and health.

However, I suppose this question is meant for a little more in the long-term future. Is it my Christian duty to be with my mother in order to take care of her and leave my schooling/career to do so?

 

[BFine]

My mom is also a widow and has been in the state of declining
health since I was born.
When she was able to work, my mom worked.
Life wasn't easy to say the least but the Lord helped us out by
sending various people our way over the years... they provided
for us food, clothing, money(here and there) etc.

As I got older, graduated from school... I went to work and did my
part to pay bills in our home. Mom got a widow's pension/social security
and at one time she got food stamps when we (my siblings and myself
were minors.)

I worked one full time job and a part time job, did that for years because
of the bills and buying mom's medication etc.
I didn't get to go to college when I was young, I had to work.

As mom got older she qualified for medicare/medicaid/CAP etc... I got
her signed up for all that with help from mom's case manager.
Mom's health was low and she got in-home care a couple of days per
week when she first started the program but over the years the in-home
care hours/days increased... she got in-home care six days out of the week...
that is, until she suffered a mild heart attack a few weeks ago. My mom is
currently in a rehab/hospital until June... she's doing good in therapy.

My mom lives in North Carolina and ever since I got married in 2002, I
have lived in Canada with my husband (he's Canadian.)
I understand about being far away and having a mom who's getting older etc...
Taking care of your mom/grandmother is providing for their needs, if you are
feeling more inclined to be there and do more hands on care, then that is
your choice.

I have taken personal care of my mom since I was a young girl(pre-teen) and
continued caring for her up until I got married in 2002...by then she'd qualified
for public assistance and in-home care... my time of doing hands on care was
well over two decades... I worked as a caregiver, which gave me the flexibility
to go home and check on my mom and return to my clients... my work was
usually within 5 miles of home back then.

Currently...when my mom got sick this time, my brother was there and she complained
about not feeling well... he called me and told me to talk to mom, so I did. After I heard
her voice, I asked mom to give the phone back to my brother...I told him to take mom
to the hospital! I knew she'd either had a stroke or heart attack...my brother called back
later to confirm she'd had a mild heart attack.
I dropped everything! got a flight home (because I have power of attorney)... thank the
Lord my flight from Canada to Charlotte, NC was a little over two hundred dollars!
I flew one-way, since I had no idea how long I would be needed there... this took place
on Easter/Resurrection day and I would be there two weeks.

Me and my brother were there with mom every day and would be there for hours...
there's another brother (he hasn't been in to see mom yet.) There's other relatives
and I did get onto them about visiting mom-- they did visit and I've talked to them
several times on the phone and on Facebook.

There were some people years ago who tried to "guilt me" into feeling bad for
getting married and moving to another country... people will be like that...
the ironic thing is this-- those who tried to "guilt me" hadn't ever done anything
for my mom. I questioned them on the "guilt tripping"? And they got all quiet
and quickly made excuses to leave.

When my mom needs me, I'm there... I get on a plane and fly to NC. The rest
of the time I'm here in Canada, I manage her finances online, I call her LOTs,
send cards/ gifts/money. I don't have a problem having in-home care for my
mom since she qualifies for it...before when she wasn't qualified I had no problem
taking personal care of my mom... I didn't mind working a full time job and a part
time job so I could take care of the bills, buy food etc. I didn't mind doing personal
care for my mom, she wasn't able to at times and I would do that for her.
If I had to of done it for the rest of my life that would of been fine too.

I love my mom very much... she hasn't had one bad word to say about me not being
there for her in North Carolina all the time... other people have but not my mom or
my brother who is there taking care of things, he's been doing that for over two years
now...our older brother is not doing his part for whatever reason.

My advice is: continue taking take of your loved ones...whether you are doing that
in person or doing it by providing money, caregivers etc...you're still taking care of
your loved ones.
Not everyone is able to do that for whatever reason, I do not believe we should
put "guilt" on people for having a life...now, if someone chooses to be the main
caregiver/provider for their loved one that is fine.
I know people who have devoted their lives to caring for their elderly loved ones,
they have chosen not to leave home, they don't marry-- they just take care of
their loved ones. My Aunt Mary was like that after her husband died... she didn't
date, she took care of the family's home-place, took in her elderly sister, looked
after me and my siblings etc.

If that is something you choose to do, may the Lord empower you to do that
job very well. May He also bless you with others who can come alongside
and be a source of encouragement/help to you.

 

[strwy]

Ask Jesus to make the decision you should make , according to HIS will clear to You .
I will also pray that JESUS makes HIS will clear to you .

GOD bless you ,
Strwy

 

[parsley]

Caring for widows doesn't mean you have to be in their face. Your mom might be completely at peace with living the way she does. But it is important to make sure she's not overloaded, overwhelmed, or broke.

Suggest that she hire a visiting nurse to take up some of the responsibility.
You will be positioned to make much more money than they could fathom, so moving home to be a full-time caregiver makes no sense. It is easy to find part-time caregivers.

Make some sacrifices to visit for holidays, and be available to them by phone and email. Be an anchor, but don't impose yourself if they don't want extra people to deal with. It can be more work taking care of helpers.

We have been trying to work with some elderly assistance programs but grandmother just complains that it is too expensive even though that means the burden falls on my mother. As some point, this falls into the realm of elderly care and we'll just have to make decisions for the good of the family instead of just letting her refusal to get outside help ruin my mother's life and health.