Can you fall back in love?

[Chris_1989]

I have been with my wife for 6 years, and married for 3 years.... Shortly after getting married we both made scarring mistakes to each other and really grew apart. I was determined to fix us and spent countless months trying to fix what was broken, but she continued to push me away, continued to lie to me and she had even become physical at times. On multiple occasions I sat down with her and expressed my feelings, telling her I loved her and I wanted to fix what was wrong but I felt like things were hopeless and I could not continue like this... Multiple discussions took place, but nothing seemed to fix us...

I could no longer take it and told her she was taking our relation to a "bad place" and she had to change if she cared about our Marriage. When I told her this, I really meant I was beginning to despise her and things needed to change immediately before I gave up. I expressed my feelings multiple times, but, again nothing changed... After 18 months of this, I told her I wanted a divorce, she refused but it was eye opening to her, she had finally realized what had happened between us, she promised to fix things and change and she did...

But for me emotionally and mentally we were done. I had grown apart from her, I began working late just because I didn't want to be home with her... Late nights at the Bar to drink and keep my mind off what was happening... I began dwelling on the bad and could only think, that whenever "it really mattered" she was not there for me. But I knew I was always there for her, I stood up for her, stayed by her side, picked her up when she was down and sheltered her from the worries and the stress of the world. I had such a strong love for her and would have truly done ANYTHING for her. But felt like she wouldn't have done the same for me. I realized she didn't love me the way I loved her... I completely detached myself from her and began to "Fall out of Love"...

Things have now flipped... She is trying so hard to keep me happy, she wants to fix us so bad... But I just can't seem to allow myself to bring down the wall dividing us, I can't seem to love her like I did. No doubt I care about her, but I don't love her. I have even told her this and she tells me she will make me love her again... But I can't and it hurts so bad knowing this, I can't get past this emotional hurdle. I feel like I should force a divorce, since I can't get past this. What do I do? How do I fix this?

 

[Dave-W]

Do not "force a divorce." It will only bring more pain to you both.

Find a good pastor/counselor who can help guide you back. Loving your wife is a scriptural COMMAND so it stands to reason that you can choose to do this. You just need to find out HOW to do it.

 

[Chris_1989]

Do not "force a divorce." It will only bring more pain to you both.

Find a good pastor/counselor who can help guide you back. Loving your wife is a scriptural COMMAND so it stands to reason that you can choose to do this. You just need to find out HOW to do it.

Much easier said than done, we have not gone to church for a while.(Since our marriage started unfolding) When we reached out to the churches in our area, they indicated that we could not receive counseling through them unless we were actively going to service for 60+ days.(I doubt we will last this long)

 

[Dave-W]

When we reached out to the churches in our area, they indicated that we could not receive counseling through them unless we were actively going to service for 60+ days.(I doubt we will last this long)

60 days? Seriously? OY!!! That is bad news.
Where are you at?

I would suggest you keep looking. If you know where you are I may be able to suggest some place.

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, that is a tough situation to be in Chris.
I guess you can't fix your relationship in one swoop. So find one thing you can do to love her. Do that and and start to plan the next step to love her.
If you can't find a church counselor .. I'd looking into your benefits at work and see if they pay for a regular counselor. If you canfind one that works well with you guys, it would be a whole lot better than nothing.

 

[Dave-W]

I'd looking into your benefits at work and see if they pay for a regular counselor. If you can find one that works well with you guys, it would be a whole lot better than nothing.

That would be an option as well.

 

[Crimsonsaint]

Hello, in a way i am going threw the early stages of what your going threw. i dont know if my current view can help you but i hope it can. years ago my wife cheated on me with my best friend. my friend was consumed by guilt so forgiveness was easy for me. my wife was not so filled with forgiveness, also our premarital councler had us forgive each other for anything we have done. i did not know at the time that she had been cheating on me. thus i felt i was forced to forgive. my wife was distant at times and at those times i feared she was cheating again. i would confront her and she would normally laugh it off. recently my wife's friends contacted me saying she was planning to move out in secret. if they had not i would have been homeless, carless, and even jobless.

It is the first week we are living appart. i have been told she just wants to party all night, get drunk, and have sex with who ever she wants. she has told me she is incapable of loveing me and that i deserve better. yes i have gotten angery. it seems my current love of her is keeping me from lashing out. just holding her makes my day. something i am not really allowed to do any more. over our marrage i tried to get counceling and she turned it down. i hope i have laied some ground work to what i have to say. this is the answer i came to just before i was told she was moveing out.

Forgive and forget. just forget. it sounds hard but you just have to ignore allthose thoughts. if i was able to forget maybe i would be wakeing up to my wife in our new apartment right now. i batteled over weither i should just forget. this is your wife. your both allowed to make mistakes. allow god to keep track of the score and just focus on all the good things she is doing now. think about some good things you can do for her.

 

[Paperthinhymn]

Even in thriving relationships the feeling of love isn't always there. Love isn't just a feeling. It's a choice. If she's trying to fix things then you need to make that choice, man up, and fix your marriage. That doesn't make it the easy thing to do. It makes it the RIGHT thing to do.
The biblical model of marriage is a COVENANT. Not a contract.
It's not "I'll love you till I stop feeling it. Till you do this or stop doing that". It's "I'm choosing to love you simply because of who you are to me and to Christ whether I feel it or not".
If you two are Christians then you made that covenant not just to each other and the people attending your wedding but you also made it to a Holy God. I'm not telling to what to do but if you two are children of the King I'd seriously seek HIS will out on this before you do something to one of His daughters.

 

[akmom]

Paper-thin-hymn has it right. You can't allow yourself to be controlled by your feelings. You need to be able to choose your path based on what is right, and you'll learn to "feel" good about that as you mature. This is true in any aspect of life.

It's easy to go back and look at your relationship through the lens of your current impressions. If you feel like you've done all the investing in the marriage and she has been selfish, you'll selectively remember everything that supports that. It's a subjective view, and you'll tend to forget your shortcomings and downplay her contributions if you go down that path.

She may very well have taken advantage of you, or been selfish. It's easy to overestimate how much you give, and underestimate how much you take. We're all a little self-centered that way, and if our partner accepts things, we might assume things are equal. But it sounds like she has had her epiphany, since you've had your chance to verbalize your present feelings about the arrangement. Let her adjust to the new expectations, and don't let your present feelings hold you or the marriage hostage.

 

[justineubanks]

I would like to suggest a few things.
1. Marriage counselor - he/she will help in more ways than you could imagine.
2. Pray - God knows what you're going through so turn to him for guidance, direction, and peace.
3. Breathe - this may sound simple but be sure to not rush into anything you would regret. Marriage is worth saving!!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[holyreefer]

Absolutely being "in love" in a decision and a emotional one at that. Emotions don't rely truth. Continue to operate like Jesus would LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE.

 

[ChristopherK]

I have been with my wife for 6 years, and married for 3 years.... Shortly after getting married we both made scarring mistakes to each other and really grew apart. I was determined to fix us and spent countless months trying to fix what was broken, but she continued to push me away, continued to lie to me and she had even become physical at times. On multiple occasions I sat down with her and expressed my feelings, telling her I loved her and I wanted to fix what was wrong but I felt like things were hopeless and I could not continue like this... Multiple discussions took place, but nothing seemed to fix us...

I could no longer take it and told her she was taking our relation to a "bad place" and she had to change if she cared about our Marriage. When I told her this, I really meant I was beginning to despise her and things needed to change immediately before I gave up. I expressed my feelings multiple times, but, again nothing changed... After 18 months of this, I told her I wanted a divorce, she refused but it was eye opening to her, she had finally realized what had happened between us, she promised to fix things and change and she did...

But for me emotionally and mentally we were done. I had grown apart from her, I began working late just because I didn't want to be home with her... Late nights at the Bar to drink and keep my mind off what was happening... I began dwelling on the bad and could only think, that whenever "it really mattered" she was not there for me. But I knew I was always there for her, I stood up for her, stayed by her side, picked her up when she was down and sheltered her from the worries and the stress of the world. I had such a strong love for her and would have truly done ANYTHING for her. But felt like she wouldn't have done the same for me. I realized she didn't love me the way I loved her... I completely detached myself from her and began to "Fall out of Love"...

Things have now flipped... She is trying so hard to keep me happy, she wants to fix us so bad... But I just can't seem to allow myself to bring down the wall dividing us, I can't seem to love her like I did. No doubt I care about her, but I don't love her. I have even told her this and she tells me she will make me love her again... But I can't and it hurts so bad knowing this, I can't get past this emotional hurdle. I feel like I should force a divorce, since I can't get past this. What do I do? How do I fix this?

Chris, I cannot imagine how emotionally distant you've become from your wife, because my wife has become that way towards me. I am in the position our wife is in now. Honestly, our lives need to be ordered by how best we honor God with them. Just take a second, breathe, step back, and see where your life is. You're not attending your local body of believers, you're picking up more shifts to work at a bar and drink, etc. These things are vehicles Satan is using to distract you from Godly faithfulness.

If you could take the focus off of your spouse and put it on yourself for a second and see where you're going. Your duty right now is to live as an example of Christ (As we are all called to do). That includes Eph. 5:25 where you as her husband are supposed to love her as Christ did the Church and lay your life down for her. Are you doing that right now? I know it's difficult to start taking the bricks down from your wall, but will it honor God to keep them up or yourself? Just think about it. Remember, God forgave you for your sins, and I'm sure...at some point...you can forgive hers too. God be with you.

 

[OK Jeff]

Absolutely being "in love" in a decision and a emotional one at that. Emotions don't rely truth. Continue to operate like Jesus would LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE.

I agree. "Love" is a verb.

 

[CBN]

I have been with my wife for 6 years, and married for 3 years.... Shortly after getting married we both made scarring mistakes to each other and really grew apart. I was determined to fix us and spent countless months trying to fix what was broken, but she continued to push me away, continued to lie to me and she had even become physical at times. On multiple occasions I sat down with her and expressed my feelings, telling her I loved her and I wanted to fix what was wrong but I felt like things were hopeless and I could not continue like this... Multiple discussions took place, but nothing seemed to fix us...

I could no longer take it and told her she was taking our relation to a "bad place" and she had to change if she cared about our Marriage. When I told her this, I really meant I was beginning to despise her and things needed to change immediately before I gave up. I expressed my feelings multiple times, but, again nothing changed... After 18 months of this, I told her I wanted a divorce, she refused but it was eye opening to her, she had finally realized what had happened between us, she promised to fix things and change and she did...

But for me emotionally and mentally we were done. I had grown apart from her, I began working late just because I didn't want to be home with her... Late nights at the Bar to drink and keep my mind off what was happening... I began dwelling on the bad and could only think, that whenever "it really mattered" she was not there for me. But I knew I was always there for her, I stood up for her, stayed by her side, picked her up when she was down and sheltered her from the worries and the stress of the world. I had such a strong love for her and would have truly done ANYTHING for her. But felt like she wouldn't have done the same for me. I realized she didn't love me the way I loved her... I completely detached myself from her and began to "Fall out of Love"...

Things have now flipped... She is trying so hard to keep me happy, she wants to fix us so bad... But I just can't seem to allow myself to bring down the wall dividing us, I can't seem to love her like I did. No doubt I care about her, but I don't love her. I have even told her this and she tells me she will make me love her again... But I can't and it hurts so bad knowing this, I can't get past this emotional hurdle. I feel like I should force a divorce, since I can't get past this. What do I do? How do I fix this?

Chris... I would advice you against "force a divorce".... I know how hard it feels.. how hard it hurts.. Been through that! After my tough phase.. i am here..all in delight with wonderful life with 2 kids and wonderful business!... so hang in there... not just hang in there... but defy the odds!

You got married because of a "wonderful" positive reason... pls go back and try to remember that first. (its hard to remember that i know.. mind is crazy..it will give you reasons why you it was a mistake and what not...) but believe me, mind will give you what you ask it.. so ask it for the "wonderful and positive" reasons why you got married....

Then work on yourself.

When in emotional mess, its hard to see clearly what's going on. Been there and done that, so totally understand what you are going through!

But that..exactly that.. giving in to feelings is your enemy. You MUST take control of your emotions... & the most practical way to do that is watch a bunch of comedy movies... go out with friends.. and E N J O Y !

I know it feels hard at first to do that... but i did that.. i followed on that advice a few years ago when I was in that situation and it helped me... of course, once you have taken control of your feelings then you need to formulate strategy to work on yourself first... yes yourself.. just yourself. Get the self esteem back... and its not that HARD... you always had it... you just
need to remind yourself on that!
It took me a while.. I was lucky that I received timely advice from a wise old man... i had him through out my journey of crazy 6 months! But its worth it!

Wish you luck... God Bless
CB