Can An Adulterer Really Change?

[unfinishedclay]

I haven't been on this forum in a couple of years. So much has demanded my attention in my family.

But within the short time that I have till I get to work, I'll give a brief summary. I need to know if there are any testimonies.

Since I've posted years ago, I've been in a really hard marriage with my husband of 21 years. He and I were courting as Christians together and married equally yoked (or so I thought) in 1995.

This past Christmas, I learned he had been having a 2 year affair from his 25 year old mistress who called to tell me she was his girlfriend. They had just broken up, according to her. She was angry and thought I should know, because according to her, she had just found out he wasn't actually divorce as she claimed. So, she broke up with him. Of course, his story is that she was angry he had broken it off and wanted to follow through months of ongoing threats to sabotage his family of wife/4 kids.

Since the discovery day, he's been begging to work things out - at times with tears (that make me roll my eyes at the thought). He's been going to church and Bible Studies again, getting pastoral counseling (many times we do that together, but he has been individually), and has been working minimum wage to try and build up our torn down finances (broken business that was once successful and our financially broken family).

Forgiving him is a daily issue. I sometimes forgive and sometimes struggle. My heart is to forgive and I'm constantly repenting as this his brought about temptations that I have yielded to - cursing with words I hadn't said since 1989, screaming, ransacking his Mercedes in our driveway. That car was his image. It was his idol. I'm so glad that, even though he got it fixed, it got repoed just like his company flatbed did months after landlord evicted his business from its warehouse.

He's reaping what he's sown and the kids and I feel the impact in our finances.

Does anyone know of any testimonies about an adulterer actually changing?

 

[Scott Schatzan]

I will tell you a story of how a wifes love ,grace and forgiveness kept a 20 year marriage together after her husband went into an affair for 8 months. And to your question. Yes adulterer can change and a marriage can become reconciled. As long as the husband loves the wife ends the affair and repents. He must show change and understand what his wife is going through and be willing to do anything to help her feel secure. If he is doing that although somedays may never seem like its enough you will know his sincerity and see the change. A wife needs to do the important stuff and often. Going to God with all of the hurt and bitter feelings and like you said forgiving every day and praying for the husband and the marriage and give all the resentment to God.
Anyhow the wife in the story knew about her husband's affair and she prayed and prayed she pleaded to the husband to stop. Of course she was hurt and ashamed and the rejection was to much to bear. But she would not give up. It was to the point where the husband was going to abandon his family and the husband feeling so ashamed asks his wife. How is it you can love me after everything i have done? How could we ever fix this? She told him in all sincerity and love that she fogave him and then told him Jesus always will give you a way out of your sin. The husbands mind clouded for months not thinking straight. But something about his wife was different. It was the way she had been so good to him through this . No shameful remarks no contempt she was so loving and he felt Gods love through her. A moment of clarity came over him and he realized that this was the woman he truly loved the person he wanted to grow old with. Now this was a man who planned on leaving his family for another woman in a different country in just a few days time. He had a plane ticket a passport and was standing there thinking how stupid he is. And he felt the shame and the remorse. And he thought he could get on the plane or make one good decision that could change and make things right.
For the first time in years he felt Gods love and he knew that if this was happening that it was because of a wife that asked God to save her husband. She put all of her feelings aside and trusted and believed that Gods will be done. And once the husband knew what happened he ended the affair immediately he repented and became a open book to his wife. Reconciliation is possible and a better understanding of how people treat one another in a marriage. And when one partner falls the love and grace of the other can only strengthen the Union. Infidelity is horrible and there is no place for it in a marriage but it does not define the marriage. So its important when these horrible things happen in a marriage that we be patient. I will pray for you and your husband. I am sorry this happened.

 

[unfinishedclay]

I will tell you a story of how a wifes love ,grace and forgiveness kept a 20 year marriage together after her husband went into an affair for 8 months. And to your question. Yes adulterer can change and a marriage can become reconciled. As long as the husband loves the wife ends the affair and repents. He must show change and understand what his wife is going through and be willing to do anything to help her feel secure. If he is doing that although somedays may never seem like its enough you will know his sincerity and see the change. A wife needs to do the important stuff and often. Going to God with all of the hurt and bitter feelings and like you said forgiving every day and praying for the husband and the marriage and give all the resentment to God.
Anyhow the wife in the story knew about her husband's affair and she prayed and prayed she pleaded to the husband to stop. Of course she was hurt and ashamed and the rejection was to much to bear. But she would not give up. It was to the point where the husband was going to abandon his family and the husband feeling so ashamed asks his wife. How is it you can love me after everything i have done? How could we ever fix this? She told him in all sincerity and love that she fogave him and then told him Jesus always will give you a way out of your sin. The husbands mind clouded for months not thinking straight. But something about his wife was different. It was the way she had been so good to him through this . No shameful remarks no contempt she was so loving and he felt Gods love through her. A moment of clarity came over him and he realized that this was the woman he truly loved the person he wanted to grow old with. Now this was a man who planned on leaving his family for another woman in a different country in just a few days time. He had a plane ticket a passport and was standing there thinking how stupid he is. And he felt the shame and the remorse. And he thought he could get on the plane or make one good decision that could change and make things right.
For the first time in years he felt Gods love and he knew that if this was happening that it was because of a wife that asked God to save her husband. She put all of her feelings aside and trusted and believed that Gods will be done. And once the husband knew what happened he ended the affair immediately he repented and became a open book to his wife. Reconciliation is possible and a better understanding of how people treat one another in a marriage. And when one partner falls the love and grace of the other can only strengthen the Union. Infidelity is horrible and there is no place for it in a marriage but it does not define the marriage. So its important when these horrible things happen in a marriage that we be patient. I will pray for you and your husband. I am sorry this happened.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you, Brother. I have to pray with what looks like the head start God has given me and be more grateful. My husband has been begging and repentant since day of my discovery. Details are just so heartbreaking and horrifying - "shocked, grieved, dismayed, discouraged, untrusting" can't begin to explain sufficiently how I've been feeling for almost 8 months. I appreciate the prayers and feel motivated to see things differently in light of the testimony you shared. I really needed this now after having a big argument with him earlier today. He's bounced back; I haven't quite.

 

[Scott Schatzan]

Thanks I am glad I could help.
And I know details are terrible so the secret to that is realizing all of it dont mean a thing and it will just hold you back from your growth. Give yourself a last day when you will think about it. Then tell him how you feel one last time and give it to god. Its poison.

 

[Dave-W]

1 Cor 6.9 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals,
10 nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God.
11 Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.

According to this passage - there were adulterers in Corinth who were changed.

 

[Scott Schatzan]

1 Cor 6.9 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals,
10 nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God.
11 Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.

According to this passage - there were adulterers in Corinth who were changed.

Thankyou for that passage Dave.

 

[Soyeong]

I haven't been on this forum in a couple of years. So much has demanded my attention in my family.

But within the short time that I have till I get to work, I'll give a brief summary. I need to know if there are any testimonies.

Since I've posted years ago, I've been in a really hard marriage with my husband of 21 years. He and I were courting as Christians together and married equally yoked (or so I thought) in 1995.

This past Christmas, I learned he had been having a 2 year affair from his 25 year old mistress who called to tell me she was his girlfriend. They had just broken up, according to her. She was angry and thought I should know, because according to her, she had just found out he wasn't actually divorce as she claimed. So, she broke up with him. Of course, his story is that she was angry he had broken it off and wanted to follow through months of ongoing threats to sabotage his family of wife/4 kids.

Since the discovery day, he's been begging to work things out - at times with tears (that make me roll my eyes at the thought). He's been going to church and Bible Studies again, getting pastoral counseling (many times we do that together, but he has been individually), and has been working minimum wage to try and build up our torn down finances (broken business that was once successful and our financially broken family).

Forgiving him is a daily issue. I sometimes forgive and sometimes struggle. My heart is to forgive and I'm constantly repenting as this his brought about temptations that I have yielded to - cursing with words I hadn't said since 1989, screaming, ransacking his Mercedes in our driveway. That car was his image. It was his idol. I'm so glad that, even though he got it fixed, it got repoed just like his company flatbed did months after landlord evicted his business from its warehouse.

He's reaping what he's sown and the kids and I feel the impact in our finances.

Does anyone know of any testimonies about an adulterer actually changing?

I was at a Bible study where a couple were giving their testimony. The wife had committed adultery, but he couldn't get mad at her because he realized that he hadn't been the greatest husband and that he had a part in driving her away. They naturally had a lot of issues to work through, but their marriage is now stronger than ever. I'm sure that there are a number of websites dedicated to this issue. The Bible allows divorce in the case of adultery, but it does not prescribe it. In other words, adultery doesn't necessarily mean that you should get a divorce.

Forgiveness does not mean that trust has been restored, but rather than still needs to be rebuilt over time. However, forgiveness does mean that you you are giving up your right to get angry at what he has done. When couples argue, it is easy for them to bring up lists of things that the other has done wrong, but if you have forgiven him for that, then you need to get rid of that list, love keeps no record of wrongs.

 

[unfinishedclay]

1 Cor 6.9 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals,
10 nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God.
11 Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.

According to this passage - there were adulterers in Corinth who were changed.

Amen.

 

[unfinishedclay]

The Bible allows divorce in the case of adultery, but it does not prescribe it. In other words, adultery doesn't necessarily mean that you should get a divorce.

This has been a struggle for me. I honestly don't want to throw away 21 year marriage and our family of 4 children. The trust is a big issue. And forgiveness is a daily struggle. Today I am okay and we've spoken casually about what we're doing today.

I've been part of a few adultery sites, one founded on Christian principals but invites hundreds of non-Christians impacted by adultery. Through the support groups, I've learned marital problems are both husband's and wife's responsibility. But adultery is solely the responsibility of the adulterer. That's aligned with the Word and still didn't prevent me from struggling with self-condemnation. One supporter who has been in the group for years did point out, however, and truthfully, that both spouses were in the same marriage, which gave both of us reasons to cheat. But I remained loyal while he cheated. I take responsibility for the marital problems as he should. But I take no responsibility for him going to a bar, telling the woman he was single, and having a 2+ year affair with her. He can't stand before Christ and have a leg to stand on pointing a finger at me for what he did.

 

[Soyeong]

This has been a struggle for me. I honestly don't want to throw away 21 year marriage and our family of 4 children. The trust is a big issue. And forgiveness is a daily struggle. Today I am okay and we've spoken casually about what we're doing today.

I've been part of a few adultery sites, one founded on Christian principals but invites hundreds of non-Christians impacted by adultery. Through the support groups, I've learned marital problems are both husband's and wife's responsibility. But adultery is solely the responsibility of the adulterer. That's aligned with the Word and still didn't prevent me from struggling with self-condemnation. One supporter who has been in the group for years did point out, however, and truthfully, that both spouses were in the same marriage, which gave both of us reasons to cheat. But I remained loyal while he cheated. I take responsibility for the marital problems as he should. But I take no responsibility for him going to a bar, telling the woman he was single, and having a 2+ year affair with her. He can't stand before Christ and have a leg to stand on pointing a finger at me for what he did.

Whenever there is a conflict between two people, usually both people have some fault in the matter. This is not about pointing fingers, about shifting blame or responsibility, or about condemnation, but about making a frank evaluation of yourself to see whether there are things that you could have done differently that you can improve in the future. In the the testimony I talked about in my previous post, I completely agree that the husband was not responsible for his wife committing adultery, yet at the same time he realized that what he was doing was not right either and that he needed to make changes.

 

[unfinishedclay]

Whenever there is a conflict between two people, usually both people have some fault in the matter. This is not about pointing fingers, about shifting blame or responsibility, or about condemnation, but about making a frank evaluation of yourself to see whether there are things that you could have done differently that you can improve in the future. In the the testimony I talked about in my previous post, I completely agree that the husband was not responsible for his wife committing adultery, yet at the same time he realized that what he was doing was not right either and that he needed to make changes.

I absolutely need to make changes. But even unbelievers on other adultery recovery websites understand that everyone is responsible for their own actions. When my husband used to push me during my pregnancy, was that my fault? I was afraid to fight him back - especially during pregnancy.

 

[unfinishedclay]

Whenever there is a conflict between two people, usually both people have some fault in the matter. This is not about pointing fingers, about shifting blame or responsibility, or about condemnation, but about making a frank evaluation of yourself to see whether there are things that you could have done differently that you can improve in the future. In the the testimony I talked about in my previous post, I completely agree that the husband was not responsible for his wife committing adultery, yet at the same time he realized that what he was doing was not right either and that he needed to make changes.

As a single, understand that things will go on in marriage that are only one spouse's fault. Another was his fraudulent use of auto insurance that I had no knowledge of. Should I take responsibility and evaluate how I could have helped that situation by contributing more financially so that he wouldn't buy fake auto insurance?

The problems in the marriage could have driven me to do some dark things. I fussed, yes. Do I have to change that? Yes, with repentance during times of failure. I cursed. Wrong? Yes. Change needed? Yes. I did a number of things to discourage him as he did to me. But no one drives someone else to involve another person in their marriage with extramarital affair. That's Marriage 101 to believers.

If you had a car alarm and someone still broke into your car, was that your fault?

 

[Soyeong]

I absolutely need to make changes. But even unbelievers on other adultery recovery websites understand that everyone is responsible for their own actions. When my husband used to push me during my pregnancy, was that my fault? I was afraid to fight him back - especially during pregnancy.

Again, I completely agree that we are responsible for our own actions and that the husband was not responsible for his wife committing adultery. However, you can still be responsible for taking actions that made that a likely outcome. For example, if you wear expensive jewelry and walk around alone in a bad neighborhood, then you are not responsible for someone mugging you, but you would nevertheless be responsible for directly taking actions that made it more likely that you would be mugged than if you had taken other actions. I am again pointing out this responsibility not to assign fault, but so that we can recognize the steps that we need to take to improve.

As a single, understand that things will go on in marriage that are only one spouse's fault. Another was his fraudulent use of auto insurance that I had no knowledge of. Should I take responsibility and evaluate how I could have helped that situation by contributing more financially so that he wouldn't buy fake auto insurance?

The problems in the marriage could have driven me to do some dark things. I fussed, yes. Do I have to change that? Yes, with repentance during times of failure. I cursed. Wrong? Yes. Change needed? Yes. I did a number of things to discourage him as he did to me. But no one drives someone else to involve another person in their marriage with extramarital affair. That's Marriage 101 to believers.

I did not say that whenever there is a conflict between two people that it is always the case that both people them are at fault, that that it usually is the case. There are always exceptions, such as a fraudulent use of auto insurance that you have no knowledge of, but that is an exceptions rather than the rule.

If you had a car alarm and someone still broke into your car, was that your fault?

If criminals check to see whether there are valuables inside of a car before breaking into it, and your car was broken into because you valuables on the seat when it wouldn't have been broken into otherwise, then you are not at fault for them breaking into your car, but you nevertheless are responsible for what you did do.

 

[unfinishedclay]

Again, I completely agree that we are responsible for our own actions and that the husband was not responsible for his wife committing adultery. However, you can still be responsible for taking actions that made that a likely outcome. For example, if you wear expensive jewelry and walk around alone in a bad neighborhood, then you are not responsible for someone mugging you, but you would nevertheless be responsible for directly taking actions that made it more likely that you would be mugged than if you had taken other actions. I am again pointing out this responsibility not to assign fault, but so that we can recognize the steps that we need to take to improve.



I did not say that whenever there is a conflict between two people that it is always the case that both people them are at fault, that that it usually is the case. There are always exceptions, such as a fraudulent use of auto insurance that you have no knowledge of, but that is an exceptions rather than the rule.



If criminals check to see whether there are valuables inside of a car before breaking into it, and your car was broken into because you valuables on the seat when it wouldn't have been broken into otherwise, then you are not at fault for them breaking into your car, but you nevertheless are responsible for what you did do.

I understand your point.

But if a person decides they want to lie and cheat in their marriage because of sinful darkness like sexual preoccupation, as in counseling he admitted to our pastor, a spouse can do all they can and the sin will continue.

My question was "can an adulterer change" because of a number of actions that raise doubt.

For me to self-evaluate, make corrections within myself, and try harder in the marriage is something I have to do to help better the marriage from MY end. But I cannot change the heart of someone hell-bent on cheating. He has to decide to repent. (In a world where "once a cheater always a cheater" sounds out among people who have constantly been cheated on, I had to raise the question. To see what I need to do in prayer from testimonies and standing on the Word - with Paul's testimony to Coninthians who had changed - I have wonderful insight to move forward from those points.)

But that's doing all ****I**** can do on MY end. Going forward, I can't think what can I do to keep my husband from lusting after another woman to the point of cheating with her any more than I can think what I can do to keep him from putting his hands on me again. He admitted to our pastor during counseling that he was curious and wanted more sex, having taken up drinking. While he was doing that, I was back home taking care of our children and a mother-in-law who had mistreated me for years. Changing her diaper and being vomited on - and husband and brother-in-law wouldn't come to my aid while preteens and baby fended for themselves upstairs. It's clear what I've been dealing with from my pastor, who called my husband out on the carpet that HE had to work on that wondering spirit and lust spirit.

But you're single. You. are. single.

I understand you're lacking full understanding in your shoes. Putting a blanket solution over something you don't know all the details on.

Again, my question: "Can an adulterer change?" considering what I've been going through. And needing those testimonies of victory. I got those. But thanks for the reminder that I need to make changes going forward. That's for the marriage, and even for preventing temptation (when abstaining without fasting - 1 Corinthians) not for the prevention of him cheating.

 

[Scott Schatzan]

Hi
Trying to understand everything right now is overwhelming give yourself a break.
I know the hurt comes out in anger so if your husband is truly sorry and you love each other let him know you need his comfort and understanding.
Feeling secure about him changing is his job to prove to you. And you encourage that with your pray and being kind to each other.
Open your bible and start look for everything you can find about forgiveness. And pray. I know I sound like a broken record but I know your pain and I promise the more you focus on healing from this the sooner you will be released from what your going through.
Pray for your husband also and dont beat your self up and do not condemn him. Also go into Ephesians 4 and read that. Be patient and focus on god and what he wants from you now. When we put our feelings aside and open our hearts and just meditate on the truth in the word are eyes get clearer.
Be diligent asking for guidance.
Forgive me if I have said to much I am just trying to convey to you some of the things that would have saved me alot of pain if I had known.

 

[Scott Schatzan]

Psalm 94:19
When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.
Psalm 119:50
Your promise revives me; it comforts in all my troubles

 

[unfinishedclay]

Psalm 94:19
When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.
Psalm 119:50
Your promise revives me; it comforts in all my troubles

Amen.

 

[unfinishedclay]

Hi
Trying to understand everything right now is overwhelming give yourself a break.
I know the hurt comes out in anger so if your husband is truly sorry and you love each other let him know you need his comfort and understanding.
Feeling secure about him changing is his job to prove to you. And you encourage that with your pray and being kind to each other.
Open your bible and start look for everything you can find about forgiveness. And pray. I know I sound like a broken record but I know your pain and I promise the more you focus on healing from this the sooner you will be released from what your going through.
Pray for your husband also and dont beat your self up and do not condemn him. Also go into Ephesians 4 and read that. Be patient and focus on god and what he wants from you now. When we put our feelings aside and open our hearts and just meditate on the truth in the word are eyes get clearer.
Be diligent asking for guidance.
Forgive me if I have said to much I am just trying to convey to you some of the things that would have saved me alot of pain if I had known.

Thank you. I can honestly say my husband is trying to prove himself and there's a challenge in doing that with IRS looking for money he had withheld while in business to spend over $9000 on his hidden lifestyle in 2014/2015. A rep contacted me and advised me to fill out "innocent spouse form". So, anger does come from time to time along with incredible grief. I agree to look up all passages on forgiveness. That's a big struggle and I really need to understand it sometimes as if I've never known what it is. That's how knocked down I feel from the discovery of all this.

I've been praying for my husband but at times I have to examine the sincerity of my heart because I do find myself condemning him. I feel sorry for that all the time - even now while things are mellow between us. I stare out in space and shake my head, asking, "How in the world did we get here?" And thinking back over 21 years when Mama and Daddy warned me about what I was getting myself into.

I realize that until I overcome this emotional roller coaster and the thoughts that accompany them, I won't be able to tell my story as a testimony. Thanks for the pointers. I do plan to gather those passages on forgiveness and keep praying.

 

[Perseverancethroughfaith]

Yes they can change. Check out my blog perseverancethroughfaith.com

 

[unfinishedclay]

Yes they can change. Check out my blog perseverancethroughfaith.com

Oh Yeah, okay...reading your story and I'm already in tears because I can already relate. Thank you. I'm continuing to read. This is a pearl to me.