Hello, I’ve been a long time sufferer of OCD even though I only recently got diagnosed. My OCD began around the time when I was about 8 or 9 and experienced the death of my great grandfather. Soon after that, I began to feel the need to pray constantly for my family in order to keep them alive. My brain at the time hypothesized that maybe it was my great grandfather that used to keep my family alive, and since he passed, he decided to pass the job on to me. I had a memorized prayer that lasted about half an hour to an hour and had strict restrictions even at that time like I felt the need to apologize any time that I blinked or swallowed during my prayer.
I am 26 now and just finally admitted to my therapist who I have been seeing for depression and anxiety about my struggles with the OCD thoughts. While I no longer have the strict restriction in place of not being able to blink or swallow while I pray, it is still getting worse. It takes me about an hour to an hour and a half at night to go to bed because I have to say my memorized prayer since I feel like that’s what keeps my family, friends, pets, and myself alive. If anything happens during my prayer like my stomach growling, I begin to get anxious and worried that it not longer counts. After I finish my prayer, I feel the need to say at least one Our Father, one Hail Mary, and one Glory Be with my eyes closed and then genuflect. When I open my eyes, I feel like I have to be looking directly at the cross on my wall or panic that it doesn’t count. It’s also no longer just my nighttime prayer. I recently went through a tough time with a friend, and she is taking a break from talking to me at the moment since I ended up becoming too needy with my mental health issues. Any time that I think about this friend or reflect on past things the friend has said to me to motivate me, I feel the need to repeat bits of my prayer and bless myself. The worry is that if I think about something good with that friend or if I imagine seeing that friend again in the future and having everything worked out then, that I will jinx something and that something bad will happen to that friend. I basically feel like I can’t think of anything good or bad or else I feel the need to repeat bits of my prayer or to say something about how I trust God and know that He listened to my prayer and always listens to my prayer and knows what’s most important to me. It has gotten to the point that I am repeating this throughout the day. I just got a job but struggle to focus because I feel the need to repeat this to myself whenever I begin to think about anything as I feel that I need to to keep my friends and family and myself alive and safe and happy. The thing is if I say it in my head, I get distracted, so i often feel the need to whisper it to myself or say it out loud. Sometimes in public, I will sit by myself whispering those things or I will go to the bathroom just so I have a chance to whisper to myself and try to focus on what I’m saying. However, whenever anything happens like my stomach gurgling or bubbling (which happens a lot to me), I begin to panic about if it was ok or not. I feel like I can’t focus on anything in my life right now because of my anxiety and my need to constantly repeat things and bless myself. For example, last week I went to the movies and missed a good deal of the movie due to trying to focus on what I was repeating in my head to God and then blessing myself. Today, I couldn’t focus on a training I had to attend again because I was constantly repeating things in my head in prayer, I missed some of the training so I could go to the bathroom and whisper the same things in prayer to myself until I felt somewhat satisfied, and I was so caught up during my drive there and back in trying to say the same short prayer out loud and then feeling the need to take my hands off the wheel to bless myself. I tracked how many times I felt the need to do compulsions this past Sunday for my therapy appointment, and we estimated that I probably spent at least 3-4 hours or so total in feeling the need to constantly bless myself and talk to God.
It’s really anxiety provoking for me because I’m terrified of what could happen to my family, my friends, my dog, or myself if I don’t repetitively pray or pray my long prayer at night. I know that the goal of OCD treatment is to eventually get me to limit or stop the compulsions, but again I’m terrified that that could cause someone or myself to die. I guess I’m just looking for some advice or encouragement!
Thank you so much for listening!
I am 26 now and just finally admitted to my therapist who I have been seeing for depression and anxiety about my struggles with the OCD thoughts. While I no longer have the strict restriction in place of not being able to blink or swallow while I pray, it is still getting worse. It takes me about an hour to an hour and a half at night to go to bed because I have to say my memorized prayer since I feel like that’s what keeps my family, friends, pets, and myself alive. If anything happens during my prayer like my stomach growling, I begin to get anxious and worried that it not longer counts. After I finish my prayer, I feel the need to say at least one Our Father, one Hail Mary, and one Glory Be with my eyes closed and then genuflect. When I open my eyes, I feel like I have to be looking directly at the cross on my wall or panic that it doesn’t count. It’s also no longer just my nighttime prayer. I recently went through a tough time with a friend, and she is taking a break from talking to me at the moment since I ended up becoming too needy with my mental health issues. Any time that I think about this friend or reflect on past things the friend has said to me to motivate me, I feel the need to repeat bits of my prayer and bless myself. The worry is that if I think about something good with that friend or if I imagine seeing that friend again in the future and having everything worked out then, that I will jinx something and that something bad will happen to that friend. I basically feel like I can’t think of anything good or bad or else I feel the need to repeat bits of my prayer or to say something about how I trust God and know that He listened to my prayer and always listens to my prayer and knows what’s most important to me. It has gotten to the point that I am repeating this throughout the day. I just got a job but struggle to focus because I feel the need to repeat this to myself whenever I begin to think about anything as I feel that I need to to keep my friends and family and myself alive and safe and happy. The thing is if I say it in my head, I get distracted, so i often feel the need to whisper it to myself or say it out loud. Sometimes in public, I will sit by myself whispering those things or I will go to the bathroom just so I have a chance to whisper to myself and try to focus on what I’m saying. However, whenever anything happens like my stomach gurgling or bubbling (which happens a lot to me), I begin to panic about if it was ok or not. I feel like I can’t focus on anything in my life right now because of my anxiety and my need to constantly repeat things and bless myself. For example, last week I went to the movies and missed a good deal of the movie due to trying to focus on what I was repeating in my head to God and then blessing myself. Today, I couldn’t focus on a training I had to attend again because I was constantly repeating things in my head in prayer, I missed some of the training so I could go to the bathroom and whisper the same things in prayer to myself until I felt somewhat satisfied, and I was so caught up during my drive there and back in trying to say the same short prayer out loud and then feeling the need to take my hands off the wheel to bless myself. I tracked how many times I felt the need to do compulsions this past Sunday for my therapy appointment, and we estimated that I probably spent at least 3-4 hours or so total in feeling the need to constantly bless myself and talk to God.
It’s really anxiety provoking for me because I’m terrified of what could happen to my family, my friends, my dog, or myself if I don’t repetitively pray or pray my long prayer at night. I know that the goal of OCD treatment is to eventually get me to limit or stop the compulsions, but again I’m terrified that that could cause someone or myself to die. I guess I’m just looking for some advice or encouragement!
Thank you so much for listening!