Burdensome Friendship

[Gentle Lamb]

I have a friendship that has been a burden to me for years. It's with a pen pal and though we've been friends over 17 years we've never met in person. I'm being treated as a journal and I've tried everything to increase better communication but I just keep getting excuses from my pen pal as to why my pen pal ( who used to write me very long emails and then very long texts) doesn't have time to talk on the phone. If I call and leave a message I don't get a call back. If I try to arrange talk time I get excuses. I've tried to arrange a time for us to meet in person and all I'm getting is excuses. How do I cut off the friendship? Over the years, responding to the very long messages has always been a burden but after I gave my life to Christ I tried to show the love of Christ, but the friendship is not growing at all, I don't feel like this friend knows me very well and I've gotten signs that this friend can be vindictive and angry, doing things to get back at me like "forgetting" to wish me Happy Birthday after I mixed up her birthday missing it by 1 day, not sending me a birthday card on my birthday, which is our usual habit, making excuses to not wish me a happy birthday on the day of, getting mad at me for not telling her things, etc. I'm just tired of this friendship now. Should I cut her off cold turkey or should I try to explain why I don't want to be friends? Or do I keep her as an acquaintance?

 

[OldWiseGuy]

Tell her it's been nice but you need to move on. Wish her well and say goodbye.

 

[royal priest]

Tell her it's been nice but you need to move on. Wish her well and say goodbye.

And that was all she wrote

 

[Mark Quayle]

If she is truly a burden, quit responding and if she asks why, tell her the truth. My guess is, from the sound of your description, if she did allow the friendship to increase and grow closer, she might be more of a burden —you might wish you hadn't let her get close.

As for her side of it, we have heard from some on this forum who have been hurt and now only want just a certain amount of closeness for fear of overwhelming someone and losing that friendship later.

 

[Mayflower1]

It can be easy to vent online. I'd just tell your friend you would prefer not to be vented too, because it is overwhelming and see what happens. Tell your friend you will pray, but will not respond to it anymore. If friend cannot respect that then I'd not respond back to vent. Or friend might not respond back at all. At any rate, I think you will have set a clear boundary.

As far as calls and Birthday cards and stuff, that is interesting to me. I have kept my online and offline friends separate, but that is just me. I had a couple friends that sent me something before, but I just hadn't personally had that leading to do that with online friends. I guess it is a bit different to me. I send like online Birthday cards and things. I am horrible with Birthdays. LOL.

But yes.... Showing grace where you can is awesome, but setting boundaries is important too. Praying for you for a healthy friendship.

 

[returntosender]

I have a friendship that has been a burden to me for years. It's with a pen pal and though we've been friends over 17 years we've never met in person. I'm being treated as a journal and I've tried everything to increase better communication but I just keep getting excuses from my pen pal as to why my pen pal ( who used to write me very long emails and then very long texts) doesn't have time to talk on the phone. If I call and leave a message I don't get a call back. If I try to arrange talk time I get excuses. I've tried to arrange a time for us to meet in person and all I'm getting is excuses. How do I cut off the friendship? Over the years, responding to the very long messages has always been a burden but after I gave my life to Christ I tried to show the love of Christ, but the friendship is not growing at all, I don't feel like this friend knows me very well and I've gotten signs that this friend can be vindictive and angry, doing things to get back at me like "forgetting" to wish me Happy Birthday after I mixed up her birthday missing it by 1 day, not sending me a birthday card on my birthday, which is our usual habit, making excuses to not wish me a happy birthday on the day of, getting mad at me for not telling her things, etc. I'm just tired of this friendship now. Should I cut her off cold turkey or should I try to explain why I don't want to be friends? Or do I keep her as an acquaintance?

I had to break a friendship. I told her I was sorry but we weren't really friends anymore, our lives have moved in different directions. Thank her for her friendship and wish her life well. My friend was angry about it and only responded in a defensive manner. That's okay, it is done. Don't respond after that no matter what she says. I just ignored what my friend dished out. Writing this I realized that's not exactly how it went. I just ignored any communication with her but sent her a card saying what I said above. I was chicken originally, lol.

An added note, I have a friend I vent to. I am really bad about it and the more I vented the worse the subject became.
I finally told her I wasn't going to do it anymore. She said she didn't mind and put up with me for 12. Years. She is still my close friend.
Your name isn't Chris is it? Jk, Lol. It occurred to me you might be posting about me. Not. Thankfully I stopped but it can come back easily. It's a terrible habit. My friend is selfless. If your friend is, she will heed how you feel and stop.

 

[returntosender]

I had to break a friendship. I told her I was sorry but we weren't really friends anymore, our lives have moved in different directions. Thank her for her friendship and wish her life well. My friend was angry about it and only responded in a defensive manner. That's okay, it is done. Don't respond after that no matter what she says. I just ignored what my friend dished out. Writing this I realized that's not exactly how it went. I just ignored any communication with her but sent her a card saying what I said above. I was chicken originally, lol.

An added note, I have a friend I vent to. I am really bad about it and the more I vented the worse the subject became.
I finally told her I wasn't going to do it anymore. She said she didn't mind and put up with me for 12. Years. She is still my close friend.
Your name isn't Chris is it? Jk, Lol. It occurred to me you might be posting about me. Not. Thankfully I stopped but it can come back easily. It's a terrible habit. My friend is selfless. If your friend is, she will heed how you feel and stop.

As to gifts I sent her a lot over the year's, her not so much. I quit when I found out she is a regifter. I love her but don't like regifters

 

[Elfkind]

Perhaps you can try to talk to your friend about this? I realize I'm probably just a person like your friend, cause I will give excuses not to talk in the phone, and to not meet, since I have difficulties with social activities and I get nervous by the idea of talking in the phone, but I do enjoy writing and everyone think I'm writing too long, too personal things, always trying to make sense of things, and not much do make sense.

 

[Gentle Lamb]

I did it guys. I just sent the message to end the friendship, and I explained why. Thank you for the helpful comments!