Broken Spirit on the verge of demise

[BrokenSpirit88]

This is gonna be long, but I’m hoping someone can give me some insight and I hope everything I wrote is not confusing. I tried to explain how I feel which is very hard for me.


Recently I just had my dreams crushed for what is probably the hundredth time. Now usually after this, I’m very heartbroken and I pray with tears in my eyes to god begging him to please tell me why this has happened, unfortunately I didn’t receive answers (or so I’d thought), but this time unlike the many others before it was different.

This time when I went to god with a heavy heart, I got a response that I actually was able to see and understand. When I asked ‘why has this happened to me?’ the response I received was ‘you love art more than you love God’.

I don’t have much to live for. And before you say family, my family is VERY dysfunctional. We’re not close to each other and they get tired of me and my depression, none of them have ever truly liked me. My oldest sister called me a ‘freaking weirdo’ and she’s like fifty. It seems they just put up with me because we’re related. And I don’t have any friends either and haven’t for the past two years. Before that, I had 1 friend and she only hung with me because she wanted stuff and had no one better to hang out with. And when we did hang out, she didn’t treat me very nicely, so I ended that friendship (first time I’d ever walked away from someone mistreating me first).

I’m nothing special, I have nothing (and I don’t mean material objects, I mean other things like personality or talents, things that make me useful). My life has been filled with a LOT of emotional pain and still is.

<staff edit> For me and my family; they won’t have to worry about me anymore and I’ll finally be free of everything that has ever plagued me, emotional pain, worry about the future, etc.

When I received my answer to the question ‘why can’t I be an artist’, at first I didn’t understand how I could possibly change that, after all I didn’t mean for things to end up that way. I didn’t even know it had.

I thought I was just really passionate about my dreams, but I guess I became too passionate about them. But they’re all I have.

I know God sees and hears the things people say to and about me. He knows better than I do how many people don’t like me, why, what my family really thinks of me. I put so much attention into art because I felt like it was all I have to look forward to in my life. I don’t have friends and to be one hundred percent honest don’t want any. In fact friendship was kind of forced on me by my parents, teachers, counselors and even the principal of my grade school at a time. I was fine alone, happy even, until people started telling me I shouldn’t be and that it wasn’t normal for me not to have friends.

Out of all of my friendships, only about four of them have been okay. The rest have left me with emotional scarring. For example, when I was in grade school, I let this girl spit on me and kick me just to say that I had friends, I regret this. It wasn’t worth it. None of the pain that I’ve went through to have relationships with other human beings has been worth it.

As far as having a family, I can confidently say this most likely isn’t in the cards for me. I’m an ugly young woman, was an ugly kid and an ugly teen. I’ve had people frown up their face at me in disgust more than a few times in my life. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m twenty two going on twenty three soon. But I’d rather be a really skilled artist then someone’s girlfriend.

I know how to show I love god more than art and that it to live my life through to the end, even if art isn’t a part of it. But I still feel like I’m going to lose because most likely I will fall deeper into my despair, which I feel will disappoint him.

And don’t get it wrong, <staff edit> I’m not good enough for anything that most normal humans are.

Is it wrong the way I feel? Is it wrong that I don’t want much else for myself than art?

My mother says I’m an unloving person, am I and I just don’t realize it?


And I’m not angry with god or anything, just confused and heartbroken.


Any thoughts or answers would be greatly appreciated.


Thank you

 

[Serving Zion]

This is gonna be long, but I’m hoping someone can give me some insight and I hope everything I wrote is not confusing. I tried to explain how I feel which is very hard for me.


Recently I just had my dreams crushed for what is probably the hundredth time. Now usually after this, I’m very heartbroken and I pray with tears in my eyes to god begging him to please tell me why this has happened, unfortunately I didn’t receive answers (or so I’d thought), but this time unlike the many others before it was different.

This time when I went to god with a heavy heart, I got a response that I actually was able to see and understand. When I asked ‘why has this happened to me?’ the response I received was ‘you love art more than you love God’.

I don’t have much to live for. And before you say family, my family is VERY dysfunctional. We’re not close to each other and they get tired of me and my depression, none of them have ever truly liked me. My oldest sister called me a ‘freaking weirdo’ and she’s like fifty. It seems they just put up with me because we’re related. And I don’t have any friends either and haven’t for the past two years. Before that, I had 1 friend and she only hung with me because she wanted stuff and had no one better to hang out with. And when we did hang out, she didn’t treat me very nicely, so I ended that friendship (first time I’d ever walked away from someone mistreating me first).

I’m nothing special, I have nothing (and I don’t mean material objects, I mean other things like personality or talents, things that make me useful). My life has been filled with a LOT of emotional pain and still is.

So I decided that it would be best to just end my life because I feel it would be best for all. For me and my family; they won’t have to worry about me anymore and I’ll finally be free of everything that has ever plagued me, emotional pain, worry about the future, etc.

When I received my answer to the question ‘why can’t I be an artist’, at first I didn’t understand how I could possibly change that, after all I didn’t mean for things to end up that way. I didn’t even know it had.

I thought I was just really passionate about my dreams, but I guess I became too passionate about them. But they’re all I have.

I know God sees and hears the things people say to and about me. He knows better than I do how many people don’t like me, why, what my family really thinks of me. I put so much attention into art because I felt like it was all I have to look forward to in my life. I don’t have friends and to be one hundred percent honest don’t want any. In fact friendship was kind of forced on me by my parents, teachers, counselors and even the principal of my grade school at a time. I was fine alone, happy even, until people started telling me I shouldn’t be and that it wasn’t normal for me not to have friends.

Out of all of my friendships, only about four of them have been okay. The rest have left me with emotional scarring. For example, when I was in grade school, I let this girl spit on me and kick me just to say that I had friends, I regret this. It wasn’t worth it. None of the pain that I’ve went through to have relationships with other human beings has been worth it.

As far as having a family, I can confidently say this most likely isn’t in the cards for me. I’m an ugly young woman, was an ugly kid and an ugly teen. I’ve had people frown up their face at me in disgust more than a few times in my life. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m twenty two going on twenty three soon. But I’d rather be a really skilled artist then someone’s girlfriend.

I know how to show I love god more than art and that it to live my life through to the end, even if art isn’t a part of it. But I still feel like I’m going to lose because most likely I will fall deeper into my despair, which I feel will disappoint him.

And don’t get it wrong, I’m not killing myself just because I can’t be an artist, I want to because I feel like I won’t be able to live with the deep sadness that comes from feeling worthless. I’m not good enough for anything that most normal humans are.

Is it wrong the way I feel? Is it wrong that I don’t want much else for myself than art?

My mother says I’m an unloving person, am I and I just don’t realize it?


And I’m not angry with god or anything, just confused and heartbroken.


Any thoughts or answers would be greatly appreciated.


Thank you

Aww, no it doesn't sound like you are unloving, it sounds like you've been downtrodden and there's nobody that is able to really speak words of life to you, because everyone you know has just got a mean streak in them. At your age too, the whole social life of being at school has passed, and people don't make friends every day anymore. Most of the people your age are working and coming home to a family, and I kind of remember what it was like now that I'm thinking of it. All of a sudden it's a lot lonelier and boring and it's tempting to find ways of escape. But you said you have family because they are related to you, so they're always there. But you've also shown how they are pulling you down and I just honestly think that is the biggest part of the dreariness .. that you just need to see the world in a whole new way, something like saving up and going on a working OE. I have met heaps of tourists your age, they stay in backpacker hostels and do seasonal or catering work, and it's a way for them to get out of the world they've always known and to see the world in a more vibrant way where everyone they talk to is interested to know who they are and what they're doing - and they're always with other people who are doing the same thing, and usually they find people from their own country and they keep in touch and follow each other around. That seems like a really nice idea for you! .. I even know that there's this organisation that arranges free accommodation and food in exchange for some volunteer work on their organic farms. It's the same sort of thing, an opportunity to work and travel and meet different people and have a lot of fun.

Meanwhile, what is it about your art that makes you say that you aren't good at it anymore? Is it a sort of lack of inspiration? (it sounds like you can't really put your heart into it). Have you ever been into music? The cool thing these days that you can make music on the computer without even knowing how to play instruments. Check out this website which is pretty cool, and then there's other websites where if you have a good tune, then others will come along and add some lyrics, and someone will come along and sing, and someone else will do drums and bass etc.

.. Some ideas for you, see what you think of that Nice to meet you today!

 

[Serving Zion]

I just had my dreams crushed for what is probably the hundredth time. Now usually after this, I’m very heartbroken and I pray with tears in my eyes to god begging him to please tell me why this has happened

Thank you

If you can describe more about this we might find some useful thoughts about that too, it sounds like this is probably your biggest unresolved burden at the moment that would be a relief to understand how God's goodness can carry you through.

 

[DaisyDay]

I don't see why you can't be an artist and dedicate your work to the glory of God or the love you have for Him while also developing the visual aspects of it.

Have you done any art journaling? More than a few people do Bible journaling as well (in fact, there is a bit of an industry devoted to selling to people who dabble, but you can bypass that and do your own). This is one area where being a "weirdo" can be an advantage as originality is appreciated more in the art world.

Have you considered that you might be on the spectrum? There's no shame in that, it just makes certain things, such as socializing and not getting picked on, more difficult.

Having friends and community is good for a person, but false friends are horrible, soul-crushing. One of the best things about getting older is that you don't have to stay put - if you don't fit in where you are, you can leave and find a better place.

Finally, you might look for on-line Christian artists groups. One of the great things about the internet is that there are groups for just about everyone.

Good luck and please consider that you may have gotten the message wrong - it's not that you have to give up your art for your love of God but that you should combine the two.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[1watchman]

One thing is certain: God loves you, as He does all His souls in the world. If you can forget about your bad experiences and seek to live the kind of life God has for you, it will truly prove a blessing with peace to your soul. God knows your abilities and desires, and He can give you the blessings you want, and that is found in His beloved Son ---the Lord Jesus, the Christ of God.
Please read John 1; John 3; John 14 in your Bible and see what God wants you to know. I will pray for you

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

This thread has been moved from Struggles by Non-Christians to Recovery Related Spiritual Advice.​

 

[BrokenSpirit88]

God would not give you a talent to have you hide it. You are fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of the universe!! Since you are saved, then you have even extra beauty!! What kind of art do you do?

Thank you all for your spiritual encouragements

The type of art I like to create is mostly pictures of people, expressions, people doing everyday things. While I've never been a Picasso, I was making progress in my teens years. My proportions were getting better, my expressions, head shapes, figures etc. But then it all just went away and not even a year later.

I've been pursuing art for a very long time and it just seems like every time I try and do something to help progress myself, it doesn't work out. My mom says that art might not be my destiny, but in my logic it has to be because I have no skills for anything else. This is the only thing I've been somewhat good at.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm