Brief life story... how do I grow in my walk

[DeeKenz]

Hello! I recently found this forum and have been hooked reading testimonies and advice. A little intro on me.. I'm a 30 year homeschool/sahm. I have four beautiful amazing children. I've been married for close to 7 years with my husband. Foreward: I don't ever remember anyone talking about God as a child I just knew we had bibles and my grandma believed in him. Okay so, my dad wasn't in my life growing up, he was a druggie and an in and out jail all the time type of guy. My mother passed away when I was 7. I was raised by my mothers mom. My grandma married a prisoner when I was six. At age 11 she had me rolling tobacco and hiding it in cereal packages since cigarettes were no longer allowed in prisons. At the age of 15, I was basically asked to leave to my home because he husband was being released from jail and couldn't live with a minor. As a child growing we were told he was in there for robbery with a fake gun. But his transcripts said he was in there for assault on a minor etc.( I had other stuff happen to me as a child, just don't want to discuss it) So I left, and bounced around from house to house. I ended up meeting someone and was living with this person who was bipolar and was had manic depression. He didn't take medicine and had so many crazy, scary episodes. We ended up getting into a lot of trouble together with drugs and everything that goes with it. I wound up in Juvenile Hall and was released to a great uncle. That relationship ended and I was free from him and that lifestyle. I had to be on probation for a year and met my eldest daughters father. We were together for about a year and a half after I had my daughter but our relationship was just drinking alcohol and he had such a horrible temper that I ended it. I went to Church for the first time during this relationship but only went once. I always believed in God but I didn't read the bible or anything. After that relationship I bounced around a little more and I ultimately started dating my husband who I've actually known since kindergarten. Our entire relationship and been us drinking alcohol. We have had many nights where we've drank far too much and have done things that I would never do consciously. It's such a disgusting disease. My husband was brought up Mormon. None of his family is active now. I always had hopes that since he once believe in God that he would find his way back. He is now atheist. I had two -three years out of our marriage where I was actively going to church and trying so hard and I was so mad that my husband wouldn't come around. I basically gave up and literally spun out of control with all sorts of sins that I'm so ashamed of. My problem is my husband is my only family, his family took me and my eldest daughter in and have treated us as their own. They are amazing people, but they aren't good influences. You will never see them not drinking. My husband and I have a couple beers a night to unwind. But its not to unwind. Its pure addiction. I'm trying so hard to stop but I have no support at all. I do absolutely fine without it if I'm not around it. I just sadly have an addictive personality and I hate feeling so alone. My husband is the only person I have. If I turn to God in all that I do and quit alcohol. There is literally nothing left for us in our marriage other than our kids. And I know that I didn't mention my kids much in this. But believe me. My kids mean more to me than anything. I think homeschooling is one of the hardest things I have done in life but I know its best for them and they are receiving so many benefits from it. I just feel trapped and alone. I really love my husband but I feel like there's so much sin in our marriage. But I guess its just my sin, since he doesn't believe. I've done Christian counseling but it wasn't a good fit for me. . I just want to do what's right and take the path that the Lord wants me to take without destroying my marriage. Sorry its so long Thank you for your advice. I hope I don't look like a horrendous person.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

Hello! I recently found this forum and have been hooked reading testimonies and advice. A little intro on me.. I'm a 30 year homeschool/sahm. I have four beautiful amazing children. I've been married for close to 7 years with my husband. Foreward: I don't ever remember anyone talking about God as a child I just knew we had bibles and my grandma believed in him. Okay so, my dad wasn't in my life growing up, he was a druggie and an in and out jail all the time type of guy. My mother passed away when I was 7. I was raised by my mothers mom. My grandma married a prisoner when I was six. At age 11 she had me rolling tobacco and hiding it in cereal packages since cigarettes were no longer allowed in prisons. At the age of 15, I was basically asked to leave to my home because he husband was being released from jail and couldn't live with a minor. As a child growing we were told he was in there for robbery with a fake gun. But his transcripts said he was in there for assault on a minor etc.( I had other stuff happen to me as a child, just don't want to discuss it) So I left, and bounced around from house to house. I ended up meeting someone and was living with this person who was bipolar and was had manic depression. He didn't take medicine and had so many crazy, scary episodes. We ended up getting into a lot of trouble together with drugs and everything that goes with it. I wound up in Juvenile Hall and was released to a great uncle. That relationship ended and I was free from him and that lifestyle. I had to be on probation for a year and met my eldest daughters father. We were together for about a year and a half after I had my daughter but our relationship was just drinking alcohol and he had such a horrible temper that I ended it. I went to Church for the first time during this relationship but only went once. I always believed in God but I didn't read the bible or anything. After that relationship I bounced around a little more and I ultimately started dating my husband who I've actually known since kindergarten. Our entire relationship and been us drinking alcohol. We have had many nights where we've drank far too much and have done things that I would never do consciously. It's such a disgusting disease. My husband was brought up Mormon. None of his family is active now. I always had hopes that since he once believe in God that he would find his way back. He is now atheist. I had two -three years out of our marriage where I was actively going to church and trying so hard and I was so mad that my husband wouldn't come around. I basically gave up and literally spun out of control with all sorts of sins that I'm so ashamed of. My problem is my husband is my only family, his family took me and my eldest daughter in and have treated us as their own. They are amazing people, but they aren't good influences. You will never see them not drinking. My husband and I have a couple beers a night to unwind. But its not to unwind. Its pure addiction. I'm trying so hard to stop but I have no support at all. I do absolutely fine without it if I'm not around it. I just sadly have an addictive personality and I hate feeling so alone. My husband is the only person I have. If I turn to God in all that I do and quit alcohol. There is literally nothing left for us in our marriage other than our kids. And I know that I didn't mention my kids much in this. But believe me. My kids mean more to me than anything. I think homeschooling is one of the hardest things I have done in life but I know its best for them and they are receiving so many benefits from it. I just feel trapped and alone. I really love my husband but I feel like there's so much sin in our marriage. But I guess its just my sin, since he doesn't believe. I've done Christian counseling but it wasn't a good fit for me. . I just want to do what's right and take the path that the Lord wants me to take without destroying my marriage. Sorry its so long Thank you for your advice. I hope I don't look like a horrendous person.

Hi,

from what I read it seems that one of your biggest worries is the drinking thing, how it will effect your husband, family, and relationship with God.

At the moment your fear of giving up drinking is only hypothetical, there is a concern there that your husband may drift from you. You could always try to give up the drinking and see how it effects your house hold relationships. The issue with drinking is we often don't have full control of ourselves, and can potentially do some thing we regret.

Still spend time with your husband when he drinks, maybe get him some munchies, be apart of it, but just don't get drunk. Maybe even have a drink or two but not enough to get drunk. He does not need to know if you are plastered or not. Just have the fun, but not the excessive drink.

 

[Invalidusername]

I hope I don't look like a horrendous person.

We are all horrendous people. Fortunately God still loves us and provided a way for us.

I have no advice for your situation since I am too young and haven't even married yet but I will say a prayer for you.