bribing kids

mama2one

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so just found out husband told child he'd give $5 if she got 100% on a test
I don't agree with bribing & said so but he said it was an "incentive"

was it a bribe or incentive?


anyway, she did get a 100%
don't know if she would have otherwise...probably made her slow down/be more careful on test
 

Jaedan

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so just found out husband told child he'd give $5 if she got 100% on a test
I don't agree with bribing & said so but he said it was an "incentive"

was it a bribe or incentive?


anyway, she did get a 100%
don't know if she would have otherwise...probably made her slow down/be more careful on test

I think It is important for children to learn to do a good as they can on tests without being bribed or etc.

Children (like myself for example), reach a point where we have to do well on a test for our own good and satisfaction (for ourselves if that makes sense?)
 
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Neogaia777

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so just found out husband told child he'd give $5 if she got 100% on a test
I don't agree with bribing & said so but he said it was an "incentive"

was it a bribe or incentive?


anyway, she did get a 100%
don't know if she would have otherwise...probably made her slow down/be more careful on test
I don't know, because it might also be good to teach kids that hard work can pay off sometimes as well also maybe, etc...?

Whether that be physical or intellectual, etc...

Might also cause them to work hard in the longer run in maybe all areas maybe, and maybe learn to always stretch themselves a little more also maybe sometimes as well, etc, and maybe more discipline maybe as well, etc...

And it may be only right maybe that they are rewarded in some way for those (extra) efforts and self-discipline maybe, etc...

I had grandparents that would give us 10 dollars for every A we would get on our report card at report card time, but they were step-grandparents to me, etc, and I was kind of treated like the redheaded stepchild, I thought anyway, the only one, etc, so I kind of resented them a bit and almost everything they and that family stood for, etc, their treatment of my mom sometimes, etc, anyway, but when I got basically "dared" or "challenged" to do it, etc, get all A's, etc, cause I was getting mainly C's and B's, with only a couple A's, etc, anyway, when I got challenged on it, I got all A's that report card time, perfect 4.0, etc, just out of spite, if anything, and just to show them I could do it, etc, but then I went right back to just getting only mainly C's and B's again, etc, and again, maybe that also kind of maybe out of spite also maybe, etc...

Yeah, I had a few issues, etc...

But and/or anyway, I think under normal circumstances it can or could be good maybe, etc...

Not really all that different from allowance really, for like physical chores, but just getting paid for extra intellectual work/discipline/effort, etc...

God Bless!
 
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Nithavela

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so just found out husband told child he'd give $5 if she got 100% on a test
I don't agree with bribing & said so but he said it was an "incentive"

was it a bribe or incentive?


anyway, she did get a 100%
don't know if she would have otherwise...probably made her slow down/be more careful on test
Giving children an extrinsic reward like money for success in tests is a good way to destroy their intrinsic motivation in the long run.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...st/201806/motivating-children-without-rewards
 
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Neogaia777

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Giving children an extrinsic reward like money for success in tests is a good way to destroy their intrinsic motivation in the long run.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...st/201806/motivating-children-without-rewards
Well, I would think you need to watch and observe them, and give them a reality check from time to time that it doesn't always come that way always, etc...

But it is "how the world works", for the most part, etc, and it might be good to teach them that maybe...

Although maybe only starting only at an "age-appropriate age" maybe, etc...

But then also always watch them for telltale signs of them always expecting it always maybe, etc...

Cause that's not really reality either, etc...

Or "other signs" that might be getting bad about it maybe, etc...

Cause it's not always bad that they get an extrinsic reward of some type maybe, etc...

As long as it's not corrupting them anyway...

But maybe only starting at maybe an age-appropriate age only maybe, etc...

Sure, very, very young children do well with other kinds of motivations or praise, etc, but when they get a bit older, might be good to start teaching them about the realities of the world they are about to mature into maybe, etc...

God Bless!
 
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Nithavela

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Well, I would think you need to watch and observe them, and give them a reality check from time to time that it doesn't always come that way always, etc...
You can't just tell children that and expect results. This stuff happens subconsciously. Happens with adults, too. It's well documented, if you'd just read the article I've linked.
 
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Neogaia777

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Giving children an extrinsic reward like money for success in tests is a good way to destroy their intrinsic motivation in the long run.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...st/201806/motivating-children-without-rewards
OK, I read your article, and there are a few places in it that it says it does not always have to be a bad thing always, etc, like for larger tasks, and not everyday ones, or ones that take a long time and a lot of longer term work or or a lot more work and/or a lot more self-effort or self-discipline, etc, that rewards for those are not always bad, and maybe even sometimes should be done maybe, etc...

Sure every person should do a thing because they want to do it, and it's "fun" for them, etc, but let's be real here, like when they become real working adults later on in the real world kind of "real", etc, and that's what your really trying to prepare them for in reality, etc...

And, like I said, it needs to age and maturity appropriate, and not just for everyday things, that they need to be taught to always do anyway regardless, etc, but for things that take a lot of "hard work", or a "long time", etc, cause they should learn that they will, most times, be rewarded for that, etc, but like I said, if your child or teenager lacks maturity, and you have not been developing them thus far into any kind of real true maturity yet or thus far, etc, then maybe you shouldn't do it then or yet, etc, but then, you are going to have to turn them loose eventually, and if they are not prepared for the real true realities of the real world yet, then "who's fault is that", etc...?

And also like I said, you have to gauge your child appropriately, and make sure it is not corrupting them along the way either, etc, and may even have to withhold it from them sometimes, or deny them it sometimes, (the reward, etc) just because they are getting the wrong idea or attitude about it, etc, for yet another lesson in life, etc, that "that" can make you lose your rewards, etc...

You could also deny them if the job wasn't done exactly right, etc, and make them go back and fix it or change it before they get rewarded for a "job well done" also, to teach them those kind of lessons also, etc...

But, that being said, (and I think that is enough to make my point, etc) (although there is a lot more, etc), if they grow up with no real true preparation for the real world, etc, then I blame the parent for that, etc, cause they obviously didn't do there real job well enough at all the steps along the way, etc...

Proverbs 22:6- "Train up a child (right) in the way he (or she) should go (or be/do, etc): (for the real realities of the real world, etc) (hard work, self-discipline, etc) (whether you feel like it or not, etc) and when he (or she) is old, (or "older", more mature, etc) he (or she) will not (ever forget it or ever) depart from it (ever)."

God Bless!
 
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Neogaia777

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Or, I know, how about we just give them all pretty flowers instead of money, and the world will be all sunshine and rainbows and the whole world will always be all happy, etc...

Anyway, I do apologize though, it's very late for me and I probably need a break, I've been up almost 48 hours straight now, and got a lot done during that time period, I'm just tired and I apologize, OK...

Going to call it a night and try to get some sleep now, OK...

May God help me be a little more kind and more patient in the morning, etc...

May God Always Richly Bless You All!

Goodnight.
 
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Nithavela

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OK, I read your article, and there are a few places in it that it says it does not always have to be a bad thing always, etc, like for larger tasks, and not everyday ones, or ones that take a long time and a lot of longer term work or or a lot more work and/or a lot more self-effort or self-discipline, etc, that rewards for those are not always bad, and maybe even sometimes should be done maybe, etc...

Sure every person should do a thing because they want to do it, and it's "fun" for them, etc, but let's be real here, like when they become real working adults later on in the real world kind of "real", etc, and that's what your really trying to prepare them for in reality, etc...

And, like I said, it needs to age and maturity appropriate, and not just for everyday things, that they need to be taught to always do anyway regardless, etc, but for things that take a lot of "hard work", or a "long time", etc, cause they should learn that they will, most times, be rewarded for that, etc, but like I said, if your child or teenager lacks maturity, and you have not been developing them thus far into any kind of real true maturity yet or thus far, etc, then maybe you shouldn't do it then or yet, etc, but then, you are going to have to turn them loose eventually, and if they are not prepared for the real true realities of the real world yet, then "who's fault is that", etc...?

And also like I said, you have to gauge your child appropriately, and make sure it is not corrupting them along the way either, etc, and may even have to withhold it from them sometimes, or deny them it sometimes, (the reward, etc) just because they are getting the wrong idea or attitude about it, etc, for yet another lesson in life, etc, that "that" can make you lose your rewards, etc...

You could also deny them if the job wasn't done exactly right, etc, and make them go back and fix it or change it before they get rewarded for a "job well done" also, to teach them those kind of lessons also, etc...

But, that being said, (and I think that is enough to make my point, etc) (although there is a lot more, etc), if they grow up with no real true preparation for the real world, etc, then I blame the parent for that, etc, cause they obviously didn't do there real job well enough at all the steps along the way, etc...

Proverbs 22:6- "Train up a child (right) in the way he (or she) should go (or be/do, etc): (for the real realities of the real world, etc) (hard work, self-discipline, etc) (whether you feel like it or not, etc) and when he (or she) is old, (or "older", more mature, etc) he (or she) will not (ever forget it or ever) depart from it (ever)."

God Bless!
Now you made me rewatch "Half-Life: Full Life Consequences".
 
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Gene Parmesan

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Every kid is different. A reward might be a useful motivator for someone who lacks confidence in their ability. If they work harder for the reward and end up doing well, then that helps them with their confidence overall.

Now, if it's a motivation issue, it's likely not helpful and can reinforce the "it's not worth my time/effort" mindset when an immediate reward is not present.

With our kids we prefer to praise their effort rather than the specific outcome. Telling them that they did a great job studying or their practice is really paying off. That seems to help reinforce those behaviors we think are important.
 
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CoderGMA

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so just found out husband told child he'd give $5 if she got 100% on a test
I don't agree with bribing & said so but he said it was an "incentive"

was it a bribe or incentive?


anyway, she did get a 100%
don't know if she would have otherwise...probably made her slow down/be more careful on test
I've seen it explained both ways - bribing and incentive. Definitely a topic of discussion. Not something easily worked out. Is it much different than giving children an allowance for chores? You want them to have good work ethic, and learn how to manage money, but at same time, there isn't anyone who will be giving them an allowance when they are adults to do their housework, so do they stop doing housework because there is no pay in it? With the incentive, is the goal more the grade or the perseverance to push oneself through difficult studies and do well? What happens when the child doesn't get paid for a good grade? Does the child give up? How does the child learn to push through without incentive? Should teh incentive be the grade itself?
 
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mama2one

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Is it much different than giving children an allowance for chores? Should teh incentive be the grade itself?

we don't give an allowance & probably won't
we feel helping out is being part of the family

grades are not an incentive for our child
she does not strive for As
if she gets them fine & if not also fine
she studies but not to achieve a certain grade
 
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CoderGMA

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we don't give an allowance & probably won't
we feel helping out is being part of the family

a good grade is not an incentive for our child
she studies but not to achieve a certain grade
Maybe a lesson of the importance of doing the work as unto the Lord - Colossians 3:23?
 
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mama2one

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Maybe a lesson of the importance of doing the work as unto the Lord - Colossians 3:23?

she is one of the "kind" students who is always helping others...almost TOO kind

rather her be kind than be an all A student

which is why didn't approve of husband's $ bribe
 
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CoderGMA

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she is one of the "kind" students who is always helping others...almost TOO kind

rather her be kind than be an all A student

which is why didn't approve of husband's $ bribe

I have raised my 2 kids, ages 26 and 24, and now I have a grandson age @ 2 middle of the month and a sibling on the way first of December. I can say that as a parent, knowing your children, and guiding them by the principles, ethics, and morals you deem to be most important, but also understanding how your child learns and their personality, helps you choose which battles are most important. Definitely the more important is protecting your child. Kindness is definitely a virtue to keep always.
 
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Brenda Blakely

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Dear mama2one,

I found this write up from whylifestyles on bribes, incentives and rewards. It made good sense to me. I think the bottom line here is “what is the goal and how can we teach good life skills as we reach that goal.?” I understand not wanting certain behaviors and wanting to encourage other behaviors but you and your husband have to be in agreement on the goal and the means of obtaining it. Hope the article helps. I am praying for you to be able to work thru this in a way that will set the course for your family to grow and reach the plan that God has set in place for you. Also here is a number-855 382 5433- you can call for resources to help you and your husband work thru the parenting issues. It sounds like you might benefit from someone helping you get on the same page in parenting. Your children need that and your family will be better off when this happens. Sometimes it takes that to get two people from different backgrounds and homes to come together in agreement on how to raise children. God bless you and your precious family.

"There's a difference between giving a student a reward when you need them to do something and having rewards available if they choose to act appropriately.

“If you finish this worksheet, I’ll give you a sticker!” a teacher says.

“Answer a question and you can get a point!” another exclaims.

From the outside looking in, it can seem like the proverbial carrot on a stick—teachers coaxing students to academic achievement, or at least to good behavior. It’s like that parent in the grocery store, promising ice cream if their child will get up off the floor and stop throwing a tantrum. It might work now. But is it a long term solution?

No matter how you feel about incentives, research has shown that they work. A study by Harvard University’s Roland G. Fryer found that “well-designed rewards can improve achievement at a relatively low cost,” and that extrinsic rewards don’t destroy intrinsic motivation. That’s good news for teachers or parents who rely on rewards and consequences in the classroom or at home—but it doesn’t shake the creeping feeling that we might be bribing students to success.

So what’s the difference between an incentive and a bribe?

Bribes are about adults; Incentives are about students.
The difference between an incentive and a bribe is who, in the end, holds the power. If a teacher offers a student a bribe—she’s saying, If you do this thing I need you to, then I will give you this reward you want. It’s all about the teacher’s needs, and the item of value that she has in her back pocket. In that exchange, all of the power belongs to the teacher. If a teacher offers a student an incentive—she’s saying, if you do this thing that is good for you, then you will earn this reward that is available for everyone. It’s all about the student, and the reward is something that anyone can earn, but only those determined and focused enough can achieve it. In that exchange, all of the power belongs to the student. Some might argue that the difference is in semantics. But how we talk to students matters. How we describe rewards and consequences? That matters.

Bribes are immediate; Incentives require time.
It’s easy to identify a bribe because most often, it comes from an exasperated adult in need of a quick fix. (i.e., If you stop doing that, I’ll give you something immediately.) Unfortunately, the parent who promises ice cream to a defiant child is actually teaching the child that defiance = ice cream. The teacher who offers an incentive at the moment of sub-standard behavior or academic performance, teaches the child that poor choices = good outcomes. Not a good idea. Real incentives teach students that hard work is something that pays off in the long run—not at this very instant. That requires teachers to consider incentives long before problem behaviors or academic struggles are at hand. It means crafting longer term and more sophisticated systems where students can earn privileges and opportunities after days, weeks, or even months of consistent effort. Whether you choose LiveSchool or another system to create goals that students can reach—it’s important to layout the framework of long-term rewards early, so students have something to work towards, not something to grab at a moment’s notice.

Bribes are arbitrary; Incentives are logical.
There must be a connection between a behavior and the reward. For instance, giving a child candy for reading a chapter in a book? That’s a bribe. Sure, children might like candy, but it has nothing to do with reading. An incentive needs a logical connection to the behavior you want to reward. For example, children who finish a book within a certain timeframe could earn the privilege of choosing their next book. A student who achieves perfect attendance should earn the best parking spot in the school. A student with the highest grades in class should earn a chance to teach. See what we did there? Logical incentives help children learn to repeat good behavior. Logical incentives teach them to trust that their good choices—and nothing else—lead to rewards. And that’s a lesson worth teaching."
 
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seeking.IAM

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I'm okay with monetary reinforcement for children, although I think one needs to consider carefully what behaviors one wants to reinforce. When I was raising children, I gave diminishing reinforcement for grades, but only for those on report cards, not on interim assignments or tests. In the big scheme of things, only the final outcome matters - not the ups or downs it may take to get there. I don't exactly remember my schedule, but the principle was to give an attractive amount for an A, a lesser amount for a B, and an even lesser amount for a C, and nothing for a D or F. That set an expectation that my children were to perform average or better. No intrinsic motivation was destroyed in the process. All my children finished college and are highly employed in well-compensated positions. I will say they are all money-motivated, now making more money than their father ever hoped to.

I expected to get a check for what I did at work. I don't know why we should expect something different for our children. It makes more sense than grounding them or taking away their Switch for bad grades, in my opinion.
 
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