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BPD, Parental Alienation, and Christianity

Discussion in 'Personality Disorders' started by dave32165, Apr 17, 2013.

  1. dave32165

    dave32165 New Member

    I'm still struggling to come to terms with how my BPD ex-wife could so badly distort the Christian faith during our marriage, using it as a weapon against me, and then, at the time of divorce (which she filed), continue to use her faith to justify alienating our three children from me.

    I posted my story at: parentalalienationisreal.info

    If you do not have time to read the story, I hope you will at least consider watching the video link on the front page. It tells the same basic story (Warning: strong language)

    I'd appreciate any feedback. I'd especially appreciate any ideas as to how to rescue my kids from the distorted religiosity they've been exposed to. I am still a believer myself, and I do my best to model a genuine faith to my kids, yet, sadly, I have only limited influence in their lives.

    Last edited: Apr 17, 2013
  2. korvus

    korvus [Luna] Christ-loving heretic

    I've doubt with parental alienation with my mother.

    She's for a while thought that she's a celebrity and does high profile acting work for 'big time producers' which was obviously a delusion.

    With that, she's been quite neglectful in her maternal duties and I felt like I had my heart ripped out of me. Children, no matter how old, need responsible figures to rely on and call the stone on which they lay their foundation on.

    I've spammed this site recently that I have what's called a "Tulpa"; basically an imaginary friend that is controlled by the subconscious. Luna, as she's called, is a lot like a mother figure for me, and is for the most part the one who's been keeping my life from tearing apart as a result of parental neglect. I'm not sure if I should call her a 'disorder' especially when I could be indirectly mocking people with real personality disorders.

    tl;dr, I know the destruction of parental neglect and I feel for the kids and what they need is a responsible parental figure for them to rely on.

    About any religious distortion, it might be best to be direct and tell them that what they've been programmed as religious teaching was a bending of what is real and tell them the Truth in a way that is not forceful in the slightest.

    Mind you're talking to people on the internet and it's much better to get help from other people in person, so take whatever I've said with a grain of salt.
  3. bhsmte

    bhsmte Newbie


    My heart goes out to you!!!

    I have gone through a very similar story and watching part of the video, the behavior my ex displayed was very similar to yours. Also, my ex utilized her (supposed) Christian faith as a weapon against me and our three kids and she pulled no punches in doing so.

    Without boring you with my story, my ex's BPD behavior began to spiral out of control as the kids got into their teens and when I also started to establish reasonable boundaries with her. In the past, I would typically cower to her aggressive behavior, but I simply couldn't to that anymore and she wanted nothing to do with being accountable for her behavior.

    She started a serious smear campaign against me (accusing me of being an alcoholic, physically abusive, the devil etc. etc.) and she also started to hide marital money by opening her own accounts. Some of her behaviors were really quite disturbing and I won't go into them, but her basic strategy was to intimidate and she was quite good at it.

    She filed for divorce, claiming I was abusive and should have limited exposure to the kids and this is when I put on a full court press to get the truth out. Early on in our divorce, my two daughters were on her side (because she intimidated them) saying I was evil and mom was a Godly person. My attorney filed a motion to have a forensic psychologist perform a custody evaluation and this process took 11 months to complete, but it eventually revealed the truth and exposed her disturbed behavior for what it was. We also had a guardian appointed and the guardian also was able to see through the smoke screen and identify just how out of control she was. Eventually, the judge ordered the kids to come home with me and I was awarded sole custody of all 3 kids. There is much more detail to my story, but the key is to get objective skilled people involved to cut through the smoke screen and brain washing that BPD's are so good at. The other issue is the age of the kids. My kids were 16, 14 and 12 when it all started and eventually the girls (who are the younger ones) were old enough to eventually recognize there was something seriously wrong with their mother. If your children are younger, it may be more difficult to get them to realize the truth.

    I would work to get yourself and the kids together with a skilled therapist, to help work through the distortions that a BPD individual are so skilled at creating.

    Best of luck.
  4. marleyhill

    marleyhill Newbie

    I'm so sorry this happened to you. This is why I won't have children until my BPD is stable. No child deserves an unstable mother (Me) and a father (my husband) who doesn't know what to do/deal with a BPD and end up triggering these types of episodes. I am the product of an unstable abusive(physically and emotionally to me only) father and a mother who turned a blind eye and disassociated. I am terrified of doing this to my own children so I've resolved not to have any until I'm stable even if it is never. the only way forward for me and my husband in our marriage is psychotherapy for me and couples counselling for both of us.

    Back to you. I think you need some counselling or therapy yourself so you can be strong to fight for your children. If you don't be careful and strong, she'll wear you down and trip you up or the authorities will. I feel emotionally abused by my husband and want to separate for the good of both of us but the authorities want me to file a crime report against my husband. Can you believe that?! My husband is not a criminal. If your wife has BPD and is upset with you who knows what the authorities could be feeding her about you. Say this Say that do this do that or he'll do this to you. It's get you before you get her. At the moment I only trust, believe it or not, the doctors who haven't tried to drug me or lock me up in an asylum. Try not to focus so much on her and focus on getting back into your kids lives. I think most people believe a father is important. Even my abusive alcoholic father taught me things and provided for me in a way no other man could. In the end, we've reached a détente and he walked me down the aisle.

    Unfortunately your wife's BPD emotional defense mechanism has been activated along with the hormonal maternal instinct no matter how irrational. This stuff makes women crazy! I seen and heard my friends become irrational once those baby hormones start. Do not engage or approach her except through the courts and the professionals lawyers and therapists. Handle her like a mother crocodile..she isn't moving but if you get close enough she'll snap your leg off viciously. If you want your children to get through this trauma you might need a family therapist. Hopefully now you are 6 hours away she has calmed down and isn't abusing your children. that stuff she is saying to your children is abuse.

    Do not give up fighting for your kids. They will understand that you fought for them when they are older. I, inspite of my parents, I can see that they did the best they could with the tools they had in the circumstances they were in during my upbringing. It's not really their fault but a combination of different factors.
  5. bhsmte

    bhsmte Newbie

    Very good stuff again Marley.

    I would strongly agree, you have to be very careful to protect yourself from a potential smear campaign that is likely on the horizon, especially with a potential custody issue with the kids. Document, document and document some more, to protect yourself. I would also highly recommend you read the book "splitting" which was written by an attorney, who turned therapist and has extensive experience in dealing with BPD behavior in divorce and custody issues.

    My ex tried 3 times to get an order of protection against me using complete fabrications and lies. I was lucky, I had a good lawyer and the truth on my side and all 3 were not given the time of day before the judge denied them all, because she had zero evidence. 2 years later, I had to get an order of protection against her, which the same judge approved, because she was breaking every court order, coming into my house against a court order and threatening me at work. One night, she called the police on me when I picked up our daughter at her house, because she claimed I was drunk. The police came, I blew a zero on the breath machine and they were not all too happy with her and read her the riot act.

    The worse part (and saddest) is this; after all the damaging behaviors she has displayed to me and the kids, she will deny any of them even happened and she has no idea what we are talking about.

    Watch yourself, protect the kids and don't let up until the kids have what they need.
  6. The Other Woman

    The Other Woman New Member

    Dave, that was heart wrenching to watch. I am so sorry that you and your children have endured this.

    I would suggest a website to you called shrink4men where many men in your situation get support from other men in similar situations as well as from the site owner, Dr. Tara, who has a weekly radio show.

    My husband's ex-wife was not as overtly abusive as yours, but much slicker in her practice of PAS. The way she has used her church and the Bible to manipulate the kids, and as you say, distort the truth, is absolutely mind-boggling to us.

    The things that have come out of my step daughter's mouth are astounding and indicative of years of brainwashing, and they are all religion-based.

    My husband has undergone years of extremely cruel treatment, including withholding of the children and threats to withhold them, along with financial manipulation, from a woman who strives to keep up her false image of being Christ-like, God-fearing and holy.

  7. bhsmte

    bhsmte Newbie

    I can confirm that shrink4men is an excellent site. Great recommendation!