Boyfriend said he needs sex for a happy and healthy relationship...? Help?

[Johnny4ChristJesus]

I've been involved with this guy from college for a few months now. We're both Christians. He's got a bit of a history, I.e. he's not a virgin, has gotten into a bit of alcohol before, a bit of cussing etc. I've never done anything like that. Most of it is from being in the army. Hes a man of good character, regardless of his past. He's a really good man and I enjoy his company. He's never pressured me into anything I wasn't okay with.

The most we've done is kiss. I have no intention of taking it further before marriage. He knows that chastity is a big deal to me, and hasn't tried to "put the moves on" so to speak.

Today though, he started kissing me in his car and he was getting a little fired up so I stopped it. We talked about it later and I reaffirmed the fact that I want to save sexual intimacy for marriage. He then tells me that he respects that, and encourages me to hold on to that, but that for a happy and healthy relationship he needs sexual intimacy.

My heart sunk to the bottom of my chest. I really really like him, and I'm extremely sexually attracted to him. I would love to be intimate with him but I just can't.

I told him that I can't.

He was being really sweet about it and said that was okay and that he respected my decision, and that he still wants to see me and talk about it some more.

I know he's disappointed. How could he not be? I feel terrible about it because I want sex too.

And then he went on to say how maybe one day I will be his wife and he will be able to "show me everything." But that we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves.

I'm confused because first he basically says for him to be happy in a relationship he NEEDS sex, and when I say no, then he says he'd still like to continue with me, and maybe even marry me???

I just have this terrible pit in my stomach. I want to make him happy, but I'm not going to compromise myself to do so. And he sounds disappointed, and almost like he's saying he still wants to see me because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings? I REALLY want sex as well. But I know the consequences would be greater than the pleasure, and I know how God feels about it, so I just can't. I won't. I want to be able to have that with my husband.

Can I just have some encouragement and advice? The last man I was seeing was a strict no kissing, no sex, no cuddling, "Id better not see any thigh in those shorts" kinda guy, and he ended up being a pathological liar, and he used me to get to the pastors daughter so he could have title in the church.

So I'm a bit sour for his type now...

I just need a hug

For your own good, stay away from this guy. If you are only months into this relationship and he is trying to convince you to do something you know is wrong, based on his experience of already doing it, is this really a relationship that is going to encourage and help you grow in your faith?

I once was involved in exposing a pastor's son who was trying to sleep with two different girls in neighboring states. He had them both convinced that he was going to take them ring shopping and marry them. They both knew about another girl and heard that the other one was a "crazy x girlfriend who wouldn't leave him alone." The one was a Philadelphia lawyer who lived in New Jersey and let him sleep with her and have sex with her. The other resisted that temptation and never let him. The one he actually went ring shopping with was the one that would not let him sleep or have sex with her. She was also was a member of his church in Pennsylvania. When God brought it to my attention, I arranged a meeting of the two women where they compared texts and realized this guy had been lying to both of them. They met him at a hotel (together) to simultaneously break up. The one who had the hardest time with the break-up and suffered for a very long time afterward was the one who gave in and had sex with him. The two women actually became good friends and probably their own support group for a time after. I never understood as an unbeliever how many ways casual sex can damage people--from unwanted and unexpected babies to emotional scars which some call soul ties to performance expectations that the one who is your God-given fit doesn't live up to, etc.

I hope you will re-consider how important this guy is. If you aren't his first, and he is already trying to go there within a few months, then you won't be his last, either. Don't let him leave you devastated.

 

[Andrew77]

I've been involved with this guy from college for a few months now. We're both Christians. He's got a bit of a history, I.e. he's not a virgin, has gotten into a bit of alcohol before, a bit of cussing etc. I've never done anything like that. Most of it is from being in the army. Hes a man of good character, regardless of his past. He's a really good man and I enjoy his company. He's never pressured me into anything I wasn't okay with.

The most we've done is kiss. I have no intention of taking it further before marriage. He knows that chastity is a big deal to me, and hasn't tried to "put the moves on" so to speak.

Today though, he started kissing me in his car and he was getting a little fired up so I stopped it. We talked about it later and I reaffirmed the fact that I want to save sexual intimacy for marriage. He then tells me that he respects that, and encourages me to hold on to that, but that for a happy and healthy relationship he needs sexual intimacy.

My heart sunk to the bottom of my chest. I really really like him, and I'm extremely sexually attracted to him. I would love to be intimate with him but I just can't.

I told him that I can't.

He was being really sweet about it and said that was okay and that he respected my decision, and that he still wants to see me and talk about it some more.

I know he's disappointed. How could he not be? I feel terrible about it because I want sex too.

And then he went on to say how maybe one day I will be his wife and he will be able to "show me everything." But that we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves.

I'm confused because first he basically says for him to be happy in a relationship he NEEDS sex, and when I say no, then he says he'd still like to continue with me, and maybe even marry me???

I just have this terrible pit in my stomach. I want to make him happy, but I'm not going to compromise myself to do so. And he sounds disappointed, and almost like he's saying he still wants to see me because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings? I REALLY want sex as well. But I know the consequences would be greater than the pleasure, and I know how God feels about it, so I just can't. I won't. I want to be able to have that with my husband.

Can I just have some encouragement and advice? The last man I was seeing was a strict no kissing, no sex, no cuddling, "Id better not see any thigh in those shorts" kinda guy, and he ended up being a pathological liar, and he used me to get to the pastors daughter so he could have title in the church.

So I'm a bit sour for his type now...

I just need a hug

So I'm a bit confused.

Sex is required for a health relationship. That's true.

So why not just get married?

If you keep doing what you are doing right now, you are going to keep getting what you are getting, and it's going to get worse. The longer you are in this quasi non-marriage 'relationship', the more frustration and problems are going to seep in, and make everyone miserable.

You need to either move towards marriage, or move on and find someone else.

By the way, don't say he's a man of good character, after listing character flaws. If he's been screwing other women already, that's part of why he is desperate for sex now. And that isn't "good character".

So start being real honest about who this man really is. Ask your parents and friends who know him enough, and care about you, what kind of a man he really is.... and accept what they say.

 

[RestoreTheJoy]

Thank you all for all of the responses. It greatly encouraged me.

Today, he and I sat down and talked about it. He told me that he never wants me to compromise, and that he supports me in my decision and doesn't ever want me to regret doing anything with him. But at the same time he doesn't want to lose me.

He said that an option for us to both be happy would be to continue dating for a few more months like we're doing now and then we can do a quick wedding and be married. Satisfying my need to be married first, and his sex drive without having to wait years.

What do all of you think of this? I know it sounds really fast, but Paul did say it was better to marry than to burn. At the same time, I don't want to lock myself in a cage I can't get out of if it turns out to be a bad marriage.

So it looks like my only options are to break up, or get married.

Advice on this?

Are you ready for marriage? Are you both settled and financially stable, and prepared for this commitment? Do NOT rush into it just to have sex. That is not a good basis for a marriage.

IF you would marry only this man out of all the men out there, then get married.

 

[RestoreTheJoy]

For your own good, stay away from this guy. If you are only months into this relationship and he is trying to convince you to do something you know is wrong, based on his experience of already doing it, is this really a relationship that is going to encourage and help you grow in your faith?

I once was involved in exposing a pastor's son who was trying to sleep with two different girls in neighboring states. He had them both convinced that he was going to take them ring shopping and marry them. They both knew about another girl and heard that the other one was a "crazy x girlfriend who wouldn't leave him alone." The one was a Philadelphia lawyer who lived in New Jersey and let him sleep with her and have sex with her. The other resisted that temptation and never let him. The one he actually went ring shopping with was the one that would not let him sleep or have sex with her. She was also was a member of his church in Pennsylvania. When God brought it to my attention, I arranged a meeting of the two women where they compared texts and realized this guy had been lying to both of them. They met him at a hotel (together) to simultaneously break up. The one who had the hardest time with the break-up and suffered for a very long time afterward was the one who gave in and had sex with him. The two women actually became good friends and probably their own support group for a time after. I never understood as an unbeliever how many ways casual sex can damage people--from unwanted and unexpected babies to emotional scars which some call soul ties to performance expectations that the one who is your God-given fit doesn't live up to, etc.

I hope you will re-consider how important this guy is. If you aren't his first, and he is already trying to go there within a few months, then you won't be his last, either. Don't let him leave you devastated.

This, this, this (the bolded).

 

[2PhiloVoid]

I've been involved with this guy from college for a few months now. We're both Christians. He's got a bit of a history, I.e. he's not a virgin, has gotten into a bit of alcohol before, a bit of cussing etc. I've never done anything like that. Most of it is from being in the army. Hes a man of good character, regardless of his past. He's a really good man and I enjoy his company. He's never pressured me into anything I wasn't okay with.

The most we've done is kiss. I have no intention of taking it further before marriage. He knows that chastity is a big deal to me, and hasn't tried to "put the moves on" so to speak.

Today though, he started kissing me in his car and he was getting a little fired up so I stopped it. We talked about it later and I reaffirmed the fact that I want to save sexual intimacy for marriage. He then tells me that he respects that, and encourages me to hold on to that, but that for a happy and healthy relationship he needs sexual intimacy.

My heart sunk to the bottom of my chest. I really really like him, and I'm extremely sexually attracted to him. I would love to be intimate with him but I just can't.

I told him that I can't.

He was being really sweet about it and said that was okay and that he respected my decision, and that he still wants to see me and talk about it some more.

I know he's disappointed. How could he not be? I feel terrible about it because I want sex too.

And then he went on to say how maybe one day I will be his wife and he will be able to "show me everything." But that we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves.

I'm confused because first he basically says for him to be happy in a relationship he NEEDS sex, and when I say no, then he says he'd still like to continue with me, and maybe even marry me???

I just have this terrible pit in my stomach. I want to make him happy, but I'm not going to compromise myself to do so. And he sounds disappointed, and almost like he's saying he still wants to see me because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings? I REALLY want sex as well. But I know the consequences would be greater than the pleasure, and I know how God feels about it, so I just can't. I won't. I want to be able to have that with my husband.

Can I just have some encouragement and advice? The last man I was seeing was a strict no kissing, no sex, no cuddling, "Id better not see any thigh in those shorts" kinda guy, and he ended up being a pathological liar, and he used me to get to the pastors daughter so he could have title in the church.

So I'm a bit sour for his type now...

I just need a hug

Well, in a way, it's good that he 'proposed' this challenge to you now rather than later, because if you marry him, and if he's the kind of guy who just can't possibly wait, then you may find yourself having to face the following "sorry" scenario below. And I know you don't want that! We wouldn't want that for you either, Sister!

 

[Daniel Marsh]

I've been involved with this guy from college for a few months now. We're both Christians. He's got a bit of a history, I.e. he's not a virgin, has gotten into a bit of alcohol before, a bit of cussing etc. I've never done anything like that. Most of it is from being in the army. Hes a man of good character, regardless of his past. He's a really good man and I enjoy his company. He's never pressured me into anything I wasn't okay with.

The most we've done is kiss. I have no intention of taking it further before marriage. He knows that chastity is a big deal to me, and hasn't tried to "put the moves on" so to speak.

Today though, he started kissing me in his car and he was getting a little fired up so I stopped it. We talked about it later and I reaffirmed the fact that I want to save sexual intimacy for marriage. He then tells me that he respects that, and encourages me to hold on to that, but that for a happy and healthy relationship he needs sexual intimacy.

My heart sunk to the bottom of my chest. I really really like him, and I'm extremely sexually attracted to him. I would love to be intimate with him but I just can't.

I told him that I can't.

He was being really sweet about it and said that was okay and that he respected my decision, and that he still wants to see me and talk about it some more.

I know he's disappointed. How could he not be? I feel terrible about it because I want sex too.

And then he went on to say how maybe one day I will be his wife and he will be able to "show me everything." But that we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves.

I'm confused because first he basically says for him to be happy in a relationship he NEEDS sex, and when I say no, then he says he'd still like to continue with me, and maybe even marry me???

I just have this terrible pit in my stomach. I want to make him happy, but I'm not going to compromise myself to do so. And he sounds disappointed, and almost like he's saying he still wants to see me because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings? I REALLY want sex as well. But I know the consequences would be greater than the pleasure, and I know how God feels about it, so I just can't. I won't. I want to be able to have that with my husband.

Can I just have some encouragement and advice? The last man I was seeing was a strict no kissing, no sex, no cuddling, "Id better not see any thigh in those shorts" kinda guy, and he ended up being a pathological liar, and he used me to get to the pastors daughter so he could have title in the church.

So I'm a bit sour for his type now...

I just need a hug

I am former Airforce, must having sex, drinking and bad language is not the result of military service.

James in his letter tells us, that Christians must learn to control our language. Romans and Galatians tells us to learn to walk in the Spirit.

He clearly is not mature enough to lead in marriage. I suggest you dump him. To find a mate, become a servant to others. As Jesus tells us, put the Kingdom first and God will fill in the blanks concerning needs.

It may be a good idea to start a home cell group of ladies related to becoming a mature Christian Woman. Start by reading the book of Proverbs as a group and discussing it theme wise, not chapter by chapter.

 

[Blade]

In this day and age its not easy.. and most guys will not make it easy. Will lie to get what this flesh wants. And its only thinking of self. The classic go take a cold shower.. run around the block smile .. laugh as you say it... I dont know. I am not like most... who do you love most? If Christ.. then ALL will wait if they love you. Once you start down this road.. you just get exit... its NOT that easy.

JESUS told you.... in every temptation He will make a way out look for it..ITS THERE! The enemy can use things like to... so in this test so to speak.. KEEP STANDING! Be faithful to HIM..CHRIST 1st...then everyone else. There is NO sin thats ok.. we dont just SIN confess and its all gone as if it never happen. SIN always has a price. Christ will forgive..will make it brand new...but there is a COST.

In this day and age to stand when most will fall.. speaks volumes and a awesome witness for Christ....Lol.. we all get this had this. Be faithful to Christ...

 

[aiki]

Any fellow who can't take the lead in being abstinent sexually before marriage is a guy who is telling you he won't take the lead in other very important areas after marriage - like the spiritual one. Your boyfriend has far too much attention upon his carnal impulses and far too little upon the will of His holy Maker. This is not the conduct of a person who is going to be a blessing to you in your walk with God. Guard your heart with all diligence! Many have not, to their very great hurt.

 

[Sketcher]

Thank you all for all of the responses. It greatly encouraged me.

Today, he and I sat down and talked about it. He told me that he never wants me to compromise, and that he supports me in my decision and doesn't ever want me to regret doing anything with him. But at the same time he doesn't want to lose me.

He said that an option for us to both be happy would be to continue dating for a few more months like we're doing now and then we can do a quick wedding and be married. Satisfying my need to be married first, and his sex drive without having to wait years.

What do all of you think of this? I know it sounds really fast, but Paul did say it was better to marry than to burn. At the same time, I don't want to lock myself in a cage I can't get out of if it turns out to be a bad marriage.

So it looks like my only options are to break up, or get married.

Advice on this?

You've only been together a few months. This sounds like a rush into marriage, which is a life-long commitment. It can work for some people, but for many others, the result is divorce. You don't want to go through a divorce.

 

[OriginalWasBetter]

It is normal for guys to want to have sex all the time for no reason at all, but it is not at all normal for a guy to tempt the woman he loves into sin. That alone is reason enough to run away and stay away from him.

I can empathize with his desire for sex, but if he really loves you then he needs to man up. A few weeks ago I met a woman and halfway through our first date I knew I wanted to marry her. Of course I had a strong desire for sex, but sex before marriage was never a consideration because I love her and would never tempt her into sin.

Long story short, we were married 50 days after we met. It was incredibly nerve racking and I had no idea if she'd say yes, but I did it anyway because I loved her. You definitely don't love someone if you're consciously and selfishly tempting them to sin.

Not saying everyone needs to marry that quickly, though you might be suprised at how many couples do, but the point is that if a Christian man loves you he'll ask you to marry him. If he doesn't then he probably doesn't love you or he probably isn't a Christian.

 

[Kazzy0614]

Okay new update.

We talked about it in length and have decided not to elope, and he has decided that he is okay with waiting.

Success everyone! I stayed true to what I believe, and I feel that God has honored me in my decision.

I feel so much better without the pressure of a rushed marriage, and without pressure of sex. I'll just be sure not to put myself in a position to be tempted, like going to his place alone etc.

Thank you all.

 

[LoricaLady]

I've been involved with this guy from college for a few months now. We're both Christians. He's got a bit of a history, I.e. he's not a virgin, has gotten into a bit of alcohol before, a bit of cussing etc. I've never done anything like that. Most of it is from being in the army. Hes a man of good character, regardless of his past. He's a really good man and I enjoy his company. He's never pressured me into anything I wasn't okay with.

The most we've done is kiss. I have no intention of taking it further before marriage. He knows that chastity is a big deal to me, and hasn't tried to "put the moves on" so to speak.

Today though, he started kissing me in his car and he was getting a little fired up so I stopped it. We talked about it later and I reaffirmed the fact that I want to save sexual intimacy for marriage. He then tells me that he respects that, and encourages me to hold on to that, but that for a happy and healthy relationship he needs sexual intimacy.

My heart sunk to the bottom of my chest. I really really like him, and I'm extremely sexually attracted to him. I would love to be intimate with him but I just can't.

I told him that I can't.

He was being really sweet about it and said that was okay and that he respected my decision, and that he still wants to see me and talk about it some more.

I know he's disappointed. How could he not be? I feel terrible about it because I want sex too.

And then he went on to say how maybe one day I will be his wife and he will be able to "show me everything." But that we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves.

I'm confused because first he basically says for him to be happy in a relationship he NEEDS sex, and when I say no, then he says he'd still like to continue with me, and maybe even marry me???

I just have this terrible pit in my stomach. I want to make him happy, but I'm not going to compromise myself to do so. And he sounds disappointed, and almost like he's saying he still wants to see me because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings? I REALLY want sex as well. But I know the consequences would be greater than the pleasure, and I know how God feels about it, so I just can't. I won't. I want to be able to have that with my husband.

Can I just have some encouragement and advice? The last man I was seeing was a strict no kissing, no sex, no cuddling, "Id better not see any thigh in those shorts" kinda guy, and he ended up being a pathological liar, and he used me to get to the pastors daughter so he could have title in the church.

So I'm a bit sour for his type now...

I just need a hug

The world is a wild place. It will only be through the Lord's guidance that you will find the right person. This guy no way shares your values or your Christian beliefs.

He is just saying this and that to manipulate you. Don't fall for it. Frankly, look elsewhere!

 

[Haydee]

I just have this terrible pit in my stomach. I want to make him happy, but I'm not going to compromise myself to do so. And he sounds disappointed, and almost like he's saying he still wants to see me because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings? I REALLY want sex as well. But I know the consequences would be greater than the pleasure, and I know how God feels about it, so I just can't. I won't. I want to be able to have that with my husband.

I just need a hug

He's not for you. If you're in a position whereby your compromising your beliefs and values, he's not for you. I would run away from this guy pretty quickly or you'll end up with regrets. You're right, the consequences are not worth the desires of the flesh. Trust God and wait for the man He has chosen for your husband. Just on a side note, a man should be leading his woman to purity.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.