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Featured Boyfriend said he needs sex for a happy and healthy relationship...? Help?

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Kazzy0614, Oct 9, 2018.

  1. Kazzy0614

    Kazzy0614 New Member

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    I've been involved with this guy from college for a few months now. We're both Christians. He's got a bit of a history, I.e. he's not a virgin, has gotten into a bit of alcohol before, a bit of cussing etc. I've never done anything like that. Most of it is from being in the army. Hes a man of good character, regardless of his past. He's a really good man and I enjoy his company. He's never pressured me into anything I wasn't okay with.

    The most we've done is kiss. I have no intention of taking it further before marriage. He knows that chastity is a big deal to me, and hasn't tried to "put the moves on" so to speak.

    Today though, he started kissing me in his car and he was getting a little fired up so I stopped it. We talked about it later and I reaffirmed the fact that I want to save sexual intimacy for marriage. He then tells me that he respects that, and encourages me to hold on to that, but that for a happy and healthy relationship he needs sexual intimacy.

    My heart sunk to the bottom of my chest. I really really like him, and I'm extremely sexually attracted to him. I would love to be intimate with him but I just can't.

    I told him that I can't.

    He was being really sweet about it and said that was okay and that he respected my decision, and that he still wants to see me and talk about it some more.

    I know he's disappointed. How could he not be? I feel terrible about it because I want sex too.

    And then he went on to say how maybe one day I will be his wife and he will be able to "show me everything." But that we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves.

    I'm confused because first he basically says for him to be happy in a relationship he NEEDS sex, and when I say no, then he says he'd still like to continue with me, and maybe even marry me???

    I just have this terrible pit in my stomach. I want to make him happy, but I'm not going to compromise myself to do so. And he sounds disappointed, and almost like he's saying he still wants to see me because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings? I REALLY want sex as well. But I know the consequences would be greater than the pleasure, and I know how God feels about it, so I just can't. I won't. I want to be able to have that with my husband.

    Can I just have some encouragement and advice? The last man I was seeing was a strict no kissing, no sex, no cuddling, "Id better not see any thigh in those shorts" kinda guy, and he ended up being a pathological liar, and he used me to get to the pastors daughter so he could have title in the church.

    So I'm a bit sour for his type now...

    I just need a hug
     
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  2. dzheremi

    dzheremi Coptic Orthodox non-Egyptian

    +4,615
    Oriental Orthodox
    Private
    The sexual impulse is indeed powerful and good, which is why we are to control it rather than be controlled by it (since it's very, very easy to cross that line).

    I've actually not found a good Orthodox Christian lady yet, for various reasons, but I know they're out there, and I'd rather wait for one than live how I had before (no further comment! :oops:). Hopefully your guy feels the same about you and your mutual commitment to living your faith. It sounds like he does, but is just struggling with the natural urge to be intimate with you. It is good to let him know that you can relate to that, because you also feel that way. A strong relationship is one where the two build each other up, and pick one another up if they fall. "But woe to he who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to pick him up."

    As far as what to do about it...it sounds like you know that. Yes, a complete relationship requires a sexual component, but it also requires a lot of other things: love, commitment (to God first, and to each other), and the bond of holy matrimony. It sounds like you're on the right track, though hopefully the courtship is not rushed in order to get to the intimacy, as can sometimes happen.

    While I haven't experienced it myself, I have been told by people who know that when God puts the right person in your life, you'll both know it. I hope that happens for the both of you.

    :hug: (this smiley is kinda weird, but I think it's meant to be a hug? Hahaha)
     
  3. eleos1954

    eleos1954 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +764
    United States
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    Married
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    but that for a happy and healthy relationship he needs sexual intimacy - He could have that in marriage. "he needs" .... ie it's about me, I have no control over my sexual desires.

    Hugs to you. May God continue to strengthen in you that what you know to be true.

    God Bless you.
     
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  4. Ken Rank

    Ken Rank Well-Known Member Supporter

    +4,389
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    Non-Denom
    Married
    You need a hug... can't come from me, I am married. :) But I am a guy who needs to say this... he either has to respect your view or not. Virginity until marriage is God's will, and so when we say, "I believe in God," and then don't respect HIS will... are we really who we say we are? I am sure you read this before...

    Matthew 21:28 “What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in the vineyard.’ (29) “‘I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and went. (30) “Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,’ but he did not go. (31) “Which of the two did what his father wanted?”

    The answer was, the one who said the wrong thing but DID the right thing. We can say anything, but our actions are what reveal our hearts. This is why John wrote, "this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments." I am sure your boyfriend is a decent guy... but either he respects your view and waits, or not. And though that will hurt you, you WILL (if it comes to that, and I will pray it doesn't) find somebody who will respect that!

    I am 52.... I have seen and done more than I wish to share. In all those years, those women who waited, those MEN who waited, had something a little more special than those who did not. There is a REALLY good book on the subject I would love to share. But, I won't unless you want the title... not looking to force anything on anyone. :)

    Blessings.
     
  5. Sabertooth

    Sabertooth Repartee Animal

    +1,217
    United States
    Charismatic
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    He insists on sex with you, when he isn't even sure that you will be his wife, yet...? Is that to say that he hasn't proposed, yet? He is leading you on (and he may be cheating on you, too).

    It is quite common for fiances to be anxious, but you have no commitment of any kind from him. He is definitely "getting ahead of himself." It sounds like he is there for less noble reasons than you would like to believe.
     
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  6. Tree of Life

    Tree of Life O Lord, do not treat me as I have treated others! Supporter

    +3,718
    United States
    Reformed
    Married
    Would it make you feel differently about him if he said:

    "I need you to sin against God in order for me to feel like we have a happy and healthy relationship."

    Because that's what he is saying.
     
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  7. Kit Sigmon

    Kit Sigmon Well-Known Member

    +1,268
    Christian
    In Relationship
    10157353_10153838183514410_4979702333437256665_n.jpg
    A godly man ain't going to be doing double-speech and using emotional blackmail
    to get you "horizontal".
    The players, you have had a couple examples of them already...so take notes on
    how they operate.
     
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  8. AnnaDeborah

    AnnaDeborah Well-Known Member

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    :groupray: Here's your hug!

    You seem to know what is right to do - just having a hard time with it and worrying about the future, which is so understandable. Take heart knowing that you are 100% right to take the stand you have.

    I am troubled by your boyfriend's behaviour though.

    But he has.
    This is pressure. Very subtle pressure, but pressure none the less - "I respect you BUT..." - wipe away all the 'I respect you' stuff, and what are you left with? "I need sexual intimacy if our relationship is to be healthy and happy." You obviously love this guy - so yes, him telling you that if you don't do something, your relationship is going to suffer IS putting you under pressure. The very fact that you are posting here proves it - if you weren't feeling the pressure, it wouldn't even cross your mind to seek help from CF!

     
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  9. ItIsFinished!

    ItIsFinished! Well-Known Member

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    You seem very wise friend.
    Stay true to your Lord , and stay true to your convictions.
    Never waver. Surely you shall be blessed.
     
  10. Northbrook

    Northbrook No sé vivir sin Dios

    280
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    Eastern Orthodox
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    The Bible says, “Flee fornication.” Ask him whether he has ever heard that English vocabulary word. I know the word now, but I was around 30 when I heard it for the first time. (And I had gotten an 800 on the English Achievement Test!). Also, using the word “need” the way he is doing is tantamount to handing you a line. The kind of lines men use to pick up girls...Finally, he is really lucky to have found a girl like you that has a normal sexuality. The girls I knew in college were primarily LUG’s (Lesbians until Graduation). So KNOW YOUR WORTH. Best wishes.
     
  11. Emli

    Emli Growing daughter of God Supporter

    +3,039
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    Non-Denom
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    :hug:

    Praying that God's will be done!
     
  12. Greg J.

    Greg J. Well-Known Member Supporter

    +1,869
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    I'm impressed with your commitment and strength. I believe you have been handling it excellently—but now you are concerned you might have to break up with him when you don't want to. From what you say, he may be emotionally manipulating you. Even if he is not, Satan is—by trying to show you a picture of a good man and make you feel guilty about withholding something from him. The problem is the same for any man that wants sex. You cannot know how much he wants the you in your heart vs. wanting you for sexual satisfaction. He may not even know! Withholding sex until marriage is the only way I know of to find out, and even that isn't good enough sometimes. Some men marry just for the sex (and then eventually grow tired of their wives). Be sure to evaluate how much time he spends entirely focused on you and what you are saying when explaining things in your life to him. Does he ask about those things a few days or weeks later without being prompted?

    You say he is a good man, but that contradicts his personal decision for sex before marriage, at least for the Biblical definition of good. What kind of good man do you want to marry? If you want spiritual leadership and support, it sounds like God has someone else in mind for you.
     
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  13. Hazelelponi

    Hazelelponi Just someone with no business here

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    I am in my second marriage and my husband is a widower so we've both been through it all.. no virginity to save.

    But, my husband is a Christian and he had respect for me, my wishes and God. We never once so much as kissed prior to marriage. That is a godly man.

    Now compare your boyfriend who "needs" sex to be happy..

    And then dump the boyfriend - he's no Christian.
     
  14. NothingIsImpossible

    NothingIsImpossible Well-Known Member

    +2,480
    Christian
    Married
    Two things:
    1. Men will lie and say anything just to get sex out of as woman. So if you keep denying him it and he leaves, then it shows what he was really after.

    2. If he REALLY respected you he wouldn't say sex is important nor would he ask for it or attempt to do more then kiss.

    That said sex is as powerful as a drug. The urges are huge and for those who already had it, the urge to want more are very high. Sadly I'd say some even see sex with someone new as a"conqeust". Not saying hes like that since I don't know him.

    I will encourage you to be careful with him. We can give into pressure after awhile because we feel we have no choice, but don't give in. Losing your virginity is something you will regret. Even more so if you then don't work out with him.

    If he continues to push the topic simply tell him he has has to choose to either respect you, avoid sex and wait until marriage. Or he can go find someone else to be sexual with because that is not who you are and your obeying Gods words.
     
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  15. FireDragon76

    FireDragon76 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +6,298
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    Lutheran
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    Obviously, he does have some control. But that's not the point. Some people consider sex a normal part of an intimate relationship.

    I think there is a potential conflict of values here that doesn't bode well for the future. One person lets conservative religious values guide their sexual behavior, the other one doesn't. These kinds of conflicts will not necessarily be confined to sexuality.
     
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  16. tall73

    tall73 Sophia7's husband

    +1,739
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    If you have been together for a few months, and are growing close, it is natural for you both to want the physical aspects of intimacy.

    He mentioned eventual marriage. Are either of you in a place where marriage is a possibility in the relatively near future? If so, then continue to talk and let him know that you are also attracted, but you have to be married first. His statement later after he calmed down may have been a reflection on things after he was out of the moment. In the instant it can be hard to think it through clearly.

    If there is no possibility of marriage in the near future, then you need to be honest with yourself. As you get along in life the purpose of dating is to find your future spouse. If you are not at a point to look for that then you are probably putting yourself in a difficult spot getting closer and closer to someone emotionally, which brings with it physical attraction, without the means to express it physically.

    If he is not willing to commit without sex until marriage, then it would be best to move on. You want someone who is on the same page with you.
     
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2018
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  17. BNR32FAN

    BNR32FAN He’s a Way of life Supporter

    +1,626
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    It sounds to me like your boyfriend is also struggling with sexual temptation. I’ve done this myself. Men will often go back & forth on this issue. We really want sex because our flesh is tempting us but our heart wants a girl who is innocent and pure. So he probably just fell to temptation and later realized it. Like I said this has happened to me also. Just stay the course and follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit sister. Your on the right path. God bless:)
     
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  18. David Cabrera

    David Cabrera Well-Known Member

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    Be firm in your decisions but have mercy on him, it's not always easy to resist sexual desire.
     
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  19. FutureAndAHope

    FutureAndAHope Just me Supporter

    +789
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    The fact that he says he needs to have sex to be happy worries me. A Christian should be led by the desires of the Spirit of God, and to say he needs to break God's commands to be happy would put a big question mark on his faith. How genuine is he? Marriage is great, but also hard work. Do you want to be united to a guy who can't control himself, and does not honor God's commands.

    Just a warning around the whole sex thing, I am married and have been happily married for years, sex is not as good as you think it will be, it is the love and commitment that makes sex great. Don't risk your wedding night for a cheap thrill with this guy no matter how good you think it could be, it will leave you with more guilt than benefit.
     
  20. not_a_unicorn

    not_a_unicorn New Member

    22
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    Divorced
    When I read what you wrote, a red flag came up. I agree with several of the posters in that he's put a guilt on you about this. He's placing himself in a victim role, someone who "has to" wait because of your values. I was married for 30 years to a man who put blame on me constantly. He couldn't take responsibility for things in our marriage. It turned into a co-dependent abusive relationship, where I believed I was 100% guilty of everything wrong in our marriage.

    If your boyfriend truly took 50% of the relationship, he would agree with your decision to wait for marriage and then let it go. He wouldn't be telling you that you are messing up the relationship by denying him.
     
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