Hi,
This post may be long and complicated *just a forewarning*
I have severe ocd and have struggled for years with blasphemous intrusive thoughts. There are some of you who go through this and know what all this entails so I will spare all the details of that in general.
I believe I have blasphemed the Holy Spirit out of anger a number of times. OCD may be intertwined in all this. Right now I am having trouble understanding this jumbled mess of where OCD begins and ends and where I begin and end.
I am just going to put some details of some events so I can make it clearer.
I do photography and have been told I am talented at it. I have felt guilty about doing photography because the Scripture in Deuteronomy talks about not making graven images of anything in Heaven above or the earth below. In light of this, I feel in my heart like my photography is a sin. Also, I have wanted to get highlights in my hair but have felt guilty that I am not accepting the way God made me and therefore am going against God's way for doing that.
Anyway, one night, I was considering the possibility of becoming Amish to solve some of these problems. I was thinking I could give away whatever money and worldly possessions I have to people in grave need (something Jesus wants us to do) and move into an Amish community and live there. Because they take the Scripture in Deuteronomy 'no graven images' seriously and for the discouragement of vanity they do not allow photography. There goes the photography problem. In an Amish community I would not be worrying about sinning against God by promoting and perpetuating deceit and vanity in altering my hair color or wearing cosmetics. I don’t want to live an Amish life; (not that there is anything wrong with it; I respect these people highly because in many ways they seem to really value what God values, and seem to be all about God –even when it’s hard, not popular or counter cultural. Even though I do not agree with everything they do.) …However, I have dreams of winning people over for Christ through use of my talents and in my own natural unique way. I also like to see myself look a certain way physically (which involves makeup and highlights). The night I was thinking about becoming Amish, I started feeling really convicted that I need to give up all these things (that society relates to and feels is normal / common / popular). In thinking about giving all this up to live (similar at least) to an Amish person, and feeling like God was calling me to give all this up I got really angry. I felt a deep heartfelt blast of anger toward God for convicting me about this and at that same I felt the phrase F-you toward God come out of my heart. As it was coming out I tried to stop it because I knew it was wrong. I thought about how it’s the Holy Spirit who convicts us of sin, and feel like I have committed blasphemy of the Holy Spirit in my heart.
There have been a number of times where I want to do something, (not something inherently sinful) it could be something like checking my email or eating a bagel. And then an idea will pop into my head to fast from it for someone else’s salvation, state before God or well being. Sometimes I get urges to refrain or fast from something I want to do for no definable reason. Sometimes I make compulsive vows in my heart, to fast from something desirable. There are things I end up not doing, or delay a long time in doing because each time I go to do the thing after my fast from it is over I get another idea of someone that I could fast for by denying myself of that thing for another day. I feel like I fast A LOT. I have told God I am fasting from fasting! But then eventually some other reason comes up for me to fast from something, and I am back denying myself. The Scripture enters my mind of I believe it was Anna who spent every day in the temple fasting. And I wonder if this is God calling me to be like this, and also deny my very core ideas and intentions of how I want to live out my life for Christ, to embrace a calling of total radical self-denial and sacrifice of who I am and my dreams. Which would be most obviously a higher way, but one that would cause me much pain, and deep sadness. (Sorry, but I feel this way.)
Of course I don’t want to reject the Holy Spirit but sometimes when being prompted to deny myself of something I want I become frustrated and embittered. I know that is wrong. I don’t want to call the Holy Spirit’s prompting on my heart OCD! At the same time, I know I have a severe form of OCD. Though some things I can outright name as OCD (like random intrusive thoughts), some things are not so clear. Sometimes when I feel convicted that I need to fast from something (for a spiritual reason or otherwise) I have had a blast of anger toward God and f-you has come out of my heart. I hate that I do this. I don’t like the fact that I get angry at God, that makes me sad and recoil inside, but it is so much worse when f-you comes out with the anger in a heated heart blast. It feels like I can’t control it like it is coming out at the same time / with the anger. I know I have blasphemed the Holy Spirit and I have done it in anger. I am not sure whether or not it is OCD that is convicting me to do things or God, but it’s wrong to direct anger like that at God regardless. I feel like I have blasphemed the Holy Spirit in anger on multiple occasions. I wish this were not so.
I also feel like when I feel anger toward the Holy Spirit & God about being prompted to deny myself of something, or in those instances where I have said f-you in a blast of hot anger then I can no longer have whatever that thing is that I desired. Because in my mind and heart doing so would be like saying the anger and blasphemy toward God is okay, and it’s not. I thought about highlighting my hair anyway because it was not a full f-you that came out, but I would still be going against the way God has made me – which is denying Him / His way. And also because I had such an angry feeling in my heart toward His Spirit and because that cursing started to come out I feel like the moment I would do it I would lose my salvation. Part of me feels like well I am probably going to Hell anyway, but another part of me feels like well maybe there is still a chance if I don’t add insult (to injury & insult) by doing this. I feel ashamed that I still even desire to get them.
I know some people say that blasphemy against the Holy Spirit means continually rejecting Him, but JESUS said that anyone who speaks a WORD against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven in this age or the age to come; that they are guilty of an eternal sin. God may overlook a blasphemy because of an uncontrollable intrusive thought, but saying f-you toward His Holy Spirit in anger because of feeling convicted to change or deny myself of something is another thing entirely. I feel condemned. I am not looking for anyone to say warm fuzzy things toward me or assure me of God’s forgiveness if the reality is I am not forgiven and will not ever be forgiven. But if anyone has insight on anything I wrote, I would appreciate it.
Thanks.
This post may be long and complicated *just a forewarning*
I have severe ocd and have struggled for years with blasphemous intrusive thoughts. There are some of you who go through this and know what all this entails so I will spare all the details of that in general.
I believe I have blasphemed the Holy Spirit out of anger a number of times. OCD may be intertwined in all this. Right now I am having trouble understanding this jumbled mess of where OCD begins and ends and where I begin and end.
I am just going to put some details of some events so I can make it clearer.
I do photography and have been told I am talented at it. I have felt guilty about doing photography because the Scripture in Deuteronomy talks about not making graven images of anything in Heaven above or the earth below. In light of this, I feel in my heart like my photography is a sin. Also, I have wanted to get highlights in my hair but have felt guilty that I am not accepting the way God made me and therefore am going against God's way for doing that.
Anyway, one night, I was considering the possibility of becoming Amish to solve some of these problems. I was thinking I could give away whatever money and worldly possessions I have to people in grave need (something Jesus wants us to do) and move into an Amish community and live there. Because they take the Scripture in Deuteronomy 'no graven images' seriously and for the discouragement of vanity they do not allow photography. There goes the photography problem. In an Amish community I would not be worrying about sinning against God by promoting and perpetuating deceit and vanity in altering my hair color or wearing cosmetics. I don’t want to live an Amish life; (not that there is anything wrong with it; I respect these people highly because in many ways they seem to really value what God values, and seem to be all about God –even when it’s hard, not popular or counter cultural. Even though I do not agree with everything they do.) …However, I have dreams of winning people over for Christ through use of my talents and in my own natural unique way. I also like to see myself look a certain way physically (which involves makeup and highlights). The night I was thinking about becoming Amish, I started feeling really convicted that I need to give up all these things (that society relates to and feels is normal / common / popular). In thinking about giving all this up to live (similar at least) to an Amish person, and feeling like God was calling me to give all this up I got really angry. I felt a deep heartfelt blast of anger toward God for convicting me about this and at that same I felt the phrase F-you toward God come out of my heart. As it was coming out I tried to stop it because I knew it was wrong. I thought about how it’s the Holy Spirit who convicts us of sin, and feel like I have committed blasphemy of the Holy Spirit in my heart.
There have been a number of times where I want to do something, (not something inherently sinful) it could be something like checking my email or eating a bagel. And then an idea will pop into my head to fast from it for someone else’s salvation, state before God or well being. Sometimes I get urges to refrain or fast from something I want to do for no definable reason. Sometimes I make compulsive vows in my heart, to fast from something desirable. There are things I end up not doing, or delay a long time in doing because each time I go to do the thing after my fast from it is over I get another idea of someone that I could fast for by denying myself of that thing for another day. I feel like I fast A LOT. I have told God I am fasting from fasting! But then eventually some other reason comes up for me to fast from something, and I am back denying myself. The Scripture enters my mind of I believe it was Anna who spent every day in the temple fasting. And I wonder if this is God calling me to be like this, and also deny my very core ideas and intentions of how I want to live out my life for Christ, to embrace a calling of total radical self-denial and sacrifice of who I am and my dreams. Which would be most obviously a higher way, but one that would cause me much pain, and deep sadness. (Sorry, but I feel this way.)
Of course I don’t want to reject the Holy Spirit but sometimes when being prompted to deny myself of something I want I become frustrated and embittered. I know that is wrong. I don’t want to call the Holy Spirit’s prompting on my heart OCD! At the same time, I know I have a severe form of OCD. Though some things I can outright name as OCD (like random intrusive thoughts), some things are not so clear. Sometimes when I feel convicted that I need to fast from something (for a spiritual reason or otherwise) I have had a blast of anger toward God and f-you has come out of my heart. I hate that I do this. I don’t like the fact that I get angry at God, that makes me sad and recoil inside, but it is so much worse when f-you comes out with the anger in a heated heart blast. It feels like I can’t control it like it is coming out at the same time / with the anger. I know I have blasphemed the Holy Spirit and I have done it in anger. I am not sure whether or not it is OCD that is convicting me to do things or God, but it’s wrong to direct anger like that at God regardless. I feel like I have blasphemed the Holy Spirit in anger on multiple occasions. I wish this were not so.
I also feel like when I feel anger toward the Holy Spirit & God about being prompted to deny myself of something, or in those instances where I have said f-you in a blast of hot anger then I can no longer have whatever that thing is that I desired. Because in my mind and heart doing so would be like saying the anger and blasphemy toward God is okay, and it’s not. I thought about highlighting my hair anyway because it was not a full f-you that came out, but I would still be going against the way God has made me – which is denying Him / His way. And also because I had such an angry feeling in my heart toward His Spirit and because that cursing started to come out I feel like the moment I would do it I would lose my salvation. Part of me feels like well I am probably going to Hell anyway, but another part of me feels like well maybe there is still a chance if I don’t add insult (to injury & insult) by doing this. I feel ashamed that I still even desire to get them.
I know some people say that blasphemy against the Holy Spirit means continually rejecting Him, but JESUS said that anyone who speaks a WORD against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven in this age or the age to come; that they are guilty of an eternal sin. God may overlook a blasphemy because of an uncontrollable intrusive thought, but saying f-you toward His Holy Spirit in anger because of feeling convicted to change or deny myself of something is another thing entirely. I feel condemned. I am not looking for anyone to say warm fuzzy things toward me or assure me of God’s forgiveness if the reality is I am not forgiven and will not ever be forgiven. But if anyone has insight on anything I wrote, I would appreciate it.
Thanks.
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Also about the highlights in your hair, I kind of smiled when I read that but anywho they are just highlights and its just hair, actually I just put a semi-permanent jet black color rinse in my hair and it looked great!!! Go ahead and get your highlights 
