Zachariah, do you know what your name means? "Remembered by God"
This is addressed to others, too, and I may or may not check in again from time to time. All I have to share is important.
I have experienced all of this, the thoughts, the feelings that even manifested physically. I once thought I could feel the flames on my skin, because it surely meant I was going to hell. All of what you all share, been there, done that..hell on Earth.
I have no access to a psychologist or other mental health professional. I am now *glad for that*. Maybe that is not you - no judgment. But I know this terrible problem.
Guys....sorry, the first thoughts that come to my mind, "you foolish Galatians".
You cannot fix this. Neither can a human being. The internet cannot fix it. I used to scour the internet looking for people with my problem and trying to imitate what they did. I found counsellors (just like you are doing with your posts here), just trying to write it out and hoping for some magic solution to save me from the torment. When it was bad, I would email people and have long exchanges. All in vain. There was a bit of a payoff in that I thought that it would be helpful or take some of the edge off and occasionally someone may provide a scripture or whatnot and it would make me feel better, for maybe a day or two, until it came back again.
The rituals - I would try to pray it away (never worked), when I had a bad thought or I felt one coming, I would use repetitive phrasing to try to get it away.
Prayers would make it worse. Any mention of the Holy Spirit (I still feel bad about it) would make it worse.
Look, all of this. I am very acquainted. I understand.
And yet, this isn't about whether I understand or we understand each other. This is about your true Salvation. *You* have to go to Jesus. He already knows about it. You have to come to Him like a little child again. You have to decide to stop trying to fix it. You have to choose to have faith even while the feelings rage. Hope against hope. Lay hold on Jesus Christ.
Am I promising this will go away overnight? It might. It didn't work that way for me. But I did choose to cling to certain scriptures. I would pray regular prayers and the bad thoughts would come and, one time, I just started going through the litany in my head "noIdon'tnoIdont" on-and-on and then begging Him to please fix it over and over again like I would do. And then one day, in my prayer, in my heart or mind or spirit, He said that once was enough and had me be quiet because "anything more comes from the evil one". That was a huge breakthrough for me. That is when I started getting better.
Do not try to fight this. If you do in your own strength, you will fail. See, this isn't about you doing everything on your own, but sometimes you have to sit and rest and just trust quietly like a little child.
The way this works out in practice - and it works for feelings and thoughts - is that a negative thought or emotion comes (even a very intense one, the intensity is irrelevant and I know how counterintuitive it is to say that, but it is true so I'll say it again - *the intensity of the emotion is irrelevant*), so a negative thought or feeling comes and you just respond with a scripture or just a negation. And then, you affirm where you stand in the faith, and that is all you need to do, even if it does still chatter at you. Quoting scripture back out loud is very effective, and yes, while you are doing it, you might have thoughts of "this is pathetic and weak". That is the enemy. It is not about how strong *you* are.
I want you guys to ask the Lord this for yourselves, but after I knew that I didn't have to fight every single flood of emotion or bad thought, especially after I had already affirmed that my faith is in Jesus and I do not have to continue to dwell on it compulsively, it started to go away.
And I had it pretty bad.
I know it is so hard to do when you are in the throes of it. It may be one of the most difficult things you ever have to do. But you have to do it. Stop trying so hard. And, you can do what you want, but my suggestion also is not to identify yourself as being "mentally ill", "OCD", "anxious" or whatever other psychological label. For me, it just fed into it.
The things that used to trigger me don't anymore. I used to be afraid of certain scriptures, too. He once showed me while I was praying over these things that I am not alone because He will help me. Now, some of the same scriptures that used to scare me, the Lord has given me understandings that I would never have received if I gave in to the fear and never read them again. I cried in gratitude the first time that happened.
Guys, I know how terrible this is. I do suspect it is kind of a taste of hell, the torment - I couldn't function sometimes. It was just like .. I became tempted to turn to alcohol when the dread of standing before God and "knowing" He would turn me away and that there was no resolution for me. It was bad.
You have to do the work of going to the Lord. All of this about trusting Him with your whole self even when the situation seems impossible. Do you know that even the apostles asked Jesus once, "who then can be saved?" He said that with men, salvation is impossible, but with God anything is possible.
Do not lose strength. Do not lose hope. The Lord is your strength. He is your hope. Lean on Him - like a little baby. And I know that sounds a bit goofy maybe but even David said in one of his Psalms that he is like a weaned infant in his mother's lap.
I don't know what else to say about this. Just that it is hard, but you know, for me, I might not have learned about childlike faith without that terrible situation. It was at least a vehicle for that and my faith is so precious, even if I think it is small sometimes.
Please trust in the Lord. Just trust Him. Don't try to fix it.
I'm so much better now. And He has even answered some of my prayers, so I know Be hasn't abandoned me and I believe He never will.
I also came to the conclusion based on other scriptures and from my prayers, too..that blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is not an accidental thought or a slip of the tongue or mistaken theology. I am not even sure it is possible for a real believer in Jesus - who loves Him - to commit this sin. That is one thing I did receive in prayer..that it is impossible for someone who loves Him to commit this sin. Of course, I questioned whether that even came from Him, but it seems to bear out with my reading of scripture. The Pharisee who committed that sin did it out of hatred and envy. I don't believe - please take it to prayer - that it is done compulsively. You need to remember that He knows the hearts and it is our hearts that are the issue with God.
Please take this to prayer. All of it. Ask Him. Talk to Him. I am confident He wants to help, but you have to ask Him and you have to *trust Him* that He will help.
I don't want to tell people not to go to a psychologist, but...you really should go to Jesus first, and I don't mean with compulsive ritualistic prayers. You have to do it in faith - like a little child. Too many words said repetitively is not praying in faith. God hears you the first time and knows it all.
Anything can turn into a compulsion, even fasting, and even prayer and every religious or spiritual activity. God loves it when we trust in Him. Sometimes, the most effective prayers I've had were short requests. That being said, if you want to talk to Him longer, pray unceasingly...just not out of fear. I've had prayers in fear and they often backfired badly.
And please don't obsess over whether you are being too fearful either. If you get these sorts of thoughts, the best thing is to just tell the Lord and then treat it as "dealt with" and just make up your mind. If the anxiety comes back ("I have to pray more! I feel XYZ!!!"), just make a decision - quote the scripture *out loud* - that you have already made your request known to God. So, what I do is I just say, "if I feel like I need to pray about that again, I'll do it tomorrow". And more often than not, I don't. It was just a bad feeling and it went away.
Keep praying and praising God and reading the Word, all of that, just watch that nothing becomes a ritual. And never ever give up.
