Bipolar, marriage in crisis

[speedyone]

Hello all.

This is my first post. I don't know where else to turn; I have no friends, and I cannot share this with my pastor.

I have been struggling with bipolar disorder since the age of 7.

I got married at age 23, and have now been married for almost 15 years.

Way back in 2002, my wife got mad at me for something relatively insignificant (i forgot to take the trash out or something). She then left the house, and left a diary/journal sitting out, open, on the couch. So I read it. She had written that she was not physically attracted to me and fantasized about being with someone else.

It hurt me so bad, I nearly killed myself. However, we had a newborn daughter, and that's the only thing that kept me from ending it right then and there.

I decided I would try to forget this, and forgive my wife. Everyone has fleeting feelings of hurt or resentment. I never told her I read this. Fast forward a few more years. My wife stops being intimate with me. She won't kiss me. I ask if my breath smells bad (I was born without a sense of smell.) She says "No, I just never liked kissing in the first place". Again, crushing to me. She used to ALWAYS be affectionate with me. Next, all forms of intimate contact stop, gradually over the next 3-4 years.

I ask time and time again, "Did I do something wrong? Do you think there is a hormonal issue, am I not being loving enough?". The answer is always, "No, things just change over time."

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. My wife is getting ready to go on a trip out of state to visit relatives. She has a collection of personal diaries she has found, and put next to the TV in our bedroom. "Please destroy these...promise me you won't read them. I don't want anyone to see them, especially not our children." "OK," I say.

Then, she leaves for her flight. I decide sinfully (?) to look inside one, to see if there is anything she has to say about me. She writes that I am a good father, that I am wonderful with the children, and she is trying to be a good Chrisitian wife...but she seems to be in anguish because "I don't curl her pantyhose"...and other things, which clearly show she is not in love with me, but loves Jesus.

These things were written recently.

Here is the bottom line:

Every day I want to kill myself. I don't because I love God and don't want to go to Hell. But every day IS a living Hell when I know that my wife doesn't love me, and never has.

I have no friends. I cannot tell anyone at church (because the only acquaintances I know are HER friends).

How do I go on being married like this? I have prayed for the last 13 years for God to heal whatever is wrong with our marriage. My wife refuses to say there is any problem with me, and there is no hope of counseling.

I cannot imagine 40+ more years of living with a "room mate" who doesn't love me. Oh Lord, I just wanted a woman to love and cherish me!

From all I know in scripture, divorce is not an option since we are both believers. I forgive her for not loving me. But my heart is irreparably crushed and I don't know how to go on.

To make things worse: we are in the middle of an adoption. My wife felt called to adopt a special needs child. Despite being in a loveless marriage, I prayed to God, asking Him if this was His will....and my heart was opened to adopting.

But God help me, how can I endure? If I seek mental health counseling, that will end the adoption process. If I don't I don't know what will happen.

I pray to the Lord, but he doesn't reply. I don't know if I was ever truly saved or not. I don't know if the Lord will forgive me because I am mentally ill and bipolar.

I wish I had a friend, because Jesus is not talking to me in a voice I can hear.

 

[dabro]

I hear you.......Um, man, I just want to say I'm here for you. as soon as you get more posts then you can PM me.....I know the struggles of women....I have been inlove with someone that ditched me yr's ago....But I ask God to heal with love not hate......Your going to have to seek some help. I know it sounds bad but truly I think you can talk to someone about this......We can only do so much and you are in my prayers...I don't want to hear that you hurt yourself and I would rather hear your problems so you have someone to unload them on.....I'm curious why your wife leaves diaries out for you to burn know that it is a temptation.....Just kind odd to me....But keep in touch...Okay!

 

[Loven God]

God does not need to forgive you for being bipilar because there is nothing to forgive . God knows about all you are going through just keep praying and you will hear something . Give it some time , sometimes you need to be still to hear God .

I think she is leaveing her diaries out so you will read them becouse she is scared to tell you the truth . That is because she probely still loves you and does not want to hurt your feelings , she just is not in love with you and does not know how to tell you .

I will keep you in my prayers and know you have friends here .

 

[romen33]

My wife and I met at church, I was married for several years before I ever had any psychotic or manic episode and did not know I was bipolar. One day I had a seizure and shortly after that I started having psychotic and manic episodes for the first time ever, then diagnosed bipolar. We both had attended that church for at least 10 years prior to our marriage. Because of my episodes I was disfellowshipped from church, this drove a wedge in our marriage because the church said I was in sin, so my wife blames me (not the church) she is very loyal to that church even to this day. I feel I know some of what you are going thru because the dynamics of my marriage changed after I was disfellowshipped. She is still married to me but it seems she doesn't respect me or listen to my opinion (specially on spiritual matters). I pray for my marriage every day and know God is with me even though that church teaches that I'm going to hell for being bipolar. I will pray for you, don't let satan use depression to trick you into commiting suicide, I have felt like that too. But God still loves us despite being bipolar, it's not sin to be bipolar no matter what anyone says its an illness just like any other. I wish I had advice to give you but I will pray for you.
I have experienced a lot of blessings in my life since then that help me know that God is still by my side. So I know God loves us no matter what.

 

[laurelk]

I'm sorry, Speedyone.

"Way back in 2002, my wife got mad at me for something relatively insignificant (i forgot to take the trash out or something)."

Uh-oh! That says it all. Women get mad. We do. And, we hold it inside because a) he doesn't listen to us anyway and b) he discounts our feelings, etc. I'm not saying she's perfect.

Do you really listen to her? It sounds like, from that statement, she's the one that is always giving, or feels that way, and she's tired of it and now it has become resentment. It has probably little to do with Bipolar.

Now, reading her diary was bad. Have you considered coming clean since you violated her trust? Writing down she desired someone else is hurtful, but it was in her diary and just thoughts. She wanted to destroy them. And, maybe she thought you'd read them? Not on purpose but subconsciously she might have thought it.

You need to come clean and tell her you read it. And, how about offering marriage counseling? People do fall out of love. Unfortunately, it happens. You can pray all day, but if you don't do, it won't happen. I wish you and her the best of luck.

 

[RuthD]

Praying for you and your marriage brother.

 

[redblue22]

speedy,

I hope you will think and pray about all the different options you hear or thnk of. I am going to present a darker response. I apologize, but it is one option for you to consider.

You sound like you don't see a lot of options. Like you don't feel really in control of your life. And no one to turn to. You sound like you feel completely unsafe and in a dangerous place. Like the deck is stacked against you--and she has the power and support. And you are cut deep. And honestly, how you feel makes complete sense.

You know your life a lot better than anyone. It sounds like you are under a lot of stress. How do you feel about the added stress of adopting a special needs child? Or why do you think your wife is putting her writings in your hand when they are her responsibility? Why is she making you responsible? It reminds me of a girl coming over and me saying "don't look in the closet" -- well, obviously she is going to look in the closet. If knew I was going to tell her not to look in the closet, wouldn't I have set the closet up to be looked in?

You feel guilt for things that are not wrong--like bipolar. Do you think other people know your guilt feelings and bipolar and might be using it? If she really was ACTUALLY worried about you reading, she could take two steps and throw them away herself. And why give them to you right at the time you would have time to read them all? And if she is not actually asking you to throw them away, might she be setting up the writings for you to read--but think you are just overhearing something? And let you feel guilty for doing so?

I don't know anything about your marriage, but you certainly do not deserve the kind of abusive things she has said to you through her writings. And you do not deserve neglect.

Right now, you are the one clearly in need. You might want to help someone, but a drowning man cannot rescue anyone.

Again, I have no idea what is going on. But if she has a plan in the works, I would be very careful and get some outside advice way away from her and her friends and church. Be careful what you say. If you still have the writings, put them somewhere hidden from her in case you need them later. Not in the house or anywhere she will find them. Journals are legal documents. Keep them.

Why would she wriite them for you to read? It is called plausible deniability. In other words, if you tell her you read them--she will feel free to be angry that you read them and blame you. If she does not want to fix the marriage--why would she write all that? Furthermore, if she writes them knowing you are reading them, then she is free to lie directly to you. It makes you believe everything you are reading by you thinking she is just writing to herself. But she already has shown she is not straight with you in what she has to say--so why believe the journals?

I'm sure she knows the stress you are under and how it is affecting you. I find it interesting that she chose NOW to suggest an adoption. According to her writings, if she cannot support you, she is not in a position to handle an extra child. Yet she wants another responsibility? Why would she want that now? Is it to help you marriage? Is it to help you? Is it helping you?

You also know that you are cut off and isolated from help. She knows this too. So, if you seek help you need, that will cut the adoption. She can then blame you. If you do not seek help you need, the adoption might continue. Then you will be harmed. She has already demonstrated putting responsibility on you that is NOT yours, do you think that might be happening now by adding an adopted special needs child? I would feel very responsible--especially knowing SHE wants this and I have to be the one responsible to say I am in need myself.

I can understand the temptation to not give up the adoption because your wife will respond negatively. How much worse could it get from her though? But you are crying for help because you are drowning--and you don't know whether to grab a lifesaver or go further out to sea?

Think things over. Would it be wrong for you to have some of your own PRIVATE thoughts and discussions with someone who could help? And NOT tell your wife? Don't write a journal. Don't tell her you are here talking. Don't talk to her friends or pastor. Don't tell her you are getting help for yourself ALONE apart from her. Don't leave your posts or emails on the computer for her to find or check.

If you are at the end of your rope, what will happen to you if you cut off help and take on added stress?

I don't know the answers or what all is going on. I'm not in any position to help or know. I'm just adding my part to the mix for you to think about. And my only point is for you to be safe and get help--no matter what else that takes.

You will notice that at no point in this post until now have I mentioned bipolar. Everything you say and feel makes sense apart from that. My concern is that you not only have a huge amount of stress for anyone to carry, but you are in need of low stress for your own health. And she knows that too. Mental struggles only make all this worse and make it harder to get that help. You do not need anyone taking advantage of your disability.

Right now, what do you need? Is it wrong to find food if you are starving? Will you be able to feed a child if you have no food for yourself?

I do not know how you got to the point of being cut off and isolated from support or help. Think over whether you want to continue being cut off from all support and help. I would feel in danger myself. And you named places she has support and help--but you do not. I would see her church and friends supporting her--and not me--as indicative of the lack of safety.

Adopting a child might normally be a nice thing to do, but her wanting to adopt is cutting you off from the help you need. She knows you, and she knows you need that help. And that help you yourself need is something you would need to even help a child.

Do not harm yourself directly or by continuing to be cut off from help and support. Consider taking a time out from HER friends and support. Get some perspective. She has support, you should have some too.

But it is all your decision. And I add this to the mix for you to think about. I only have what little you have shared, so I really don't know any better than anyone else here. All I know is I can see you drowning and you need to grab the lifesaver or be saved by a lifeguard or something. And your wife and church clearly aren't those people. And I'm not that lifeguard either. But I do know to say grab hold of the lifesaver and don't let go.

Jesus is God and the true Life Savior. Heaven is a free gift accepted by trusting him to take our hell for us and make us pure in God's sight.

In the meantime, I hope you will find all the support and help you can. I might be wrong about everything I have said or thought. I hope I am. But I know for sure you are in need of help and to tell you to get all that help you can. You need to be safe and get out of danger. Then those helpful supportive people can help you ALONE get perspective on this APART from your wife and her support before even considering some kind of marriage counseling I'm sure you would like down the road.

 

[Wingdizzle]

Bipolar at age 7????

 

[BRERDO]

I thought that at first, too. It is potentially dangerous and unhealthy to diagnose until the teens at a minimum and if there is not a genetic history of BiPolar then it is unlikely for someone to just start having it.

Speedy, when did you start your medication? Have you altered it at all? Perhaps that might be a starting point as you believe that your BiPolar is somewhat in the mix with this?

One thing I would suggest is putting a stop to the adoption process immediately. If there is a loveless home, bringing in another child (even mores when developmentally disabled) is never a cure for an uncomfortable home.

Anyway, I wish you the best. It is obvious you love your wife very much or it would not be causing you this much concern. Counseling is the best place to start. Do they have any sort of program at the church you attend for this? Perhaps even just for yourself. If you are BiPolar and not seeing a psychotherapist somewhat regularly then that is also something to look at as it is a necessity to maintining the disorder along with your meds.

 

[Joshua0035]

It hurt me so bad, I nearly killed myself.

Perhaps you could do a study on what the Bible teaches about how we are to die to self so we can live for God. If we do not like who we are, then that works right in with God's plan because we are to be born again and a new creation in Christ. Put off the old and put on the new.

As Christians God puts His love in us. For me I do not worry if my marriage relationship with my wife is working at any given point in time. Because we are still good friends and we are still brother and sister in the Lord.

I pray to the Lord, but he doesn't reply.

Actually praise and thanksgiving goes a lot further then prayer. We need to seek to follow God's plan and purpose for us and out lives. He always has a plan for us, no matter where we are at. We need to seek to follow God and His plan and purpose for us in our lives. Every day He does a work in us so that we are being transformed into the Image of Christ and we put on the Mind of Christ. That means we think the divine thoughts of God.

 

[speedyone]

It has been a very, very long time since I posted here.

First, I want to thank everyone who responded.

It moves my heart to know that anyone cared enough to respond.

God bless you ALL.

Since my last post, nothing has changed.

I was officially diagnosed as having Asperger's and OCD about 18 months ago.

My 18 year old daughter, and 15 year old daughter both are 9n the Autism spectrum. My 11 year old daughter has ADD.

I am gathering up the courage to finally have a confrontation with my wife about how she has treated me; I say confrontation, because there is no such thing as conversation or dialogue with us. Whenever I share my feelings, she accuses me.

For example, I say, "when we met, you constantly hugged me, kissed me, held my hand. You wanted to shower me with affection. Why do you refuse to do so anymore?" Her reply: "Why is it that ALL you care about is sex?! Ugghh!!!" (Of course, I never even mentioned sex)

She watches romance movies, and reads filthy supernatural books abounding with sex and disgusting paganism, yet somehow I'M the bad person for wanting to be loved physically.....

I still have prayed to die or thought of killing myself nearly every day since my last post years ago.

All I ask for now is that anyone who reads this pray for me-- that God would supernaturally stop me from killing myself when my marriage inevitably ends in the coming days or weeks.

However, if anyone thinks I should NOT seek divorce solely due to the fact that my wife does not have any physical attraction to me, and is selfish and does not care about my desire to feel loved, then I'd appreciate your input. Truly.

Some people believe that a marriage, however awful, should never be ended except for abuse or infidelity.

Personally, I think that my wife reading romance novels and watching romantic movies while ignoring me IS infidelity, but what do I know.

 

[Unqualified]

Just calm down man. Maybe it’s just something she is going thru-what you read. You invaded her privacy. There is only one way to get out of marriage and it certainly isn’t emotionalism. Hang in there it doesn’t sound all bad. But if she commits adultery then you have a reason to divorce if you want. Getting another child is saying you are a good father and it’s a reason for her to stay with you. Women are sort of complicated. Take your fears and thoughts captiveuntil you know something. Keep being a good father and husband. This is what she loves about you. Don’t let your jealousy and hurt take over. She’s worth it right? Not to accuser of this. Just put it aside and get on with your life. You sound high functioning. That’s goood, keep it up. Her love will come back, if you don’t burn your bridges. She is worth it right? Taking thoughts captive is so important to me so I don’t freak out too. Just give her some space.

 

[Jeshu]

Every day I want to kill myself. I don't because I love God and don't want to go to Hell. But every day IS a living Hell when I know that my wife doesn't love me, and never has.

i've been there often, once for seven years, i got bi polar as well and understand the hellish agony your daily life is.

God can help you out, honestly true. It is about letting the truth of scripture rule our hearts in place of those depressive lies we hear about ourselves all the time.

The Scriptures taught me to understand that we harvest what we sow. So us sowing hopelessness, despair, sadness, guilt, shame and fear reaps us more of the stuff. Once i understood that i began to actively claim the truths of Scripture as my truth.

And so what used to be seconds of faith in God's love turned into 24/7 faith in God's love. Sure it took Jesus almost 4 years to get me out of that pit i was in but He did manage and i have never been back though depression still comes around all the time.

So put your faith in God's love and fight unbelief and doubt like you never have before. Stay in God's truth and you will know you are God's beloved. Sow faith, love, kindness, self-control, joy, thankfulness, gentleness and a fearless spirit and you will reap that.

Honest life can be better even if illness stays.

Peace.

Forsaking The Pit.
As I climb over the rim, I clearly see,
Involuntary I shudder the sight in me,
Down without a bottom the pit below,
Yes this fiery hole within me on show!

Hear voices of darkness pressing hard on must.
Those 'speaking guilt, shame, unbelief, and distrust,
All together pushing, yes, pressing me deep,
Resisting my climb to the top so steep.

See those guilty feelings still tug my feet,
I can feel flames searing, my toes they meet!
Electrifying my soul, no mercy on show.
Why ever did I take this hell-hole in tow?

Above me the Light, Jesus, the Truth so high!
How long before I will meet up with Him in the sky?
He knows I will come after Him without a doubt,
As true nourishing goodness He is all about.

My bloodied fingers scraped by rock,
For how many years did they mock?
Those hard places within my very being,
Those fiery stones of my own seeing!

I climbed after the Light right above me,
The only truth that truly leaves me be,
Never will I stop seeking after The Light.
As Jesus Christ is my very soul's delight!

Soon the 'resting place' of my enemy,
Bottomless pit shall forever be!
For the ones without Love or Grace.
Those who with their lies made this place.

 

[SANTOSO]

Hello speedyone,
Don’t rush with decision to end your life !
Don’t rush with decision to end your marriage!

We heard that you have not had the affections that you deserve from your wife !

But that is not a reason for you to end your life ! Even you may pain or painlessly die, consider what your wife, daughters, friends, and those from the church think after you die!
Consider for a moment ! The most likely things that will happen is not what you like! You are left with very bad impression. The ones that you are unlikely want to leave with that kind of impressions would be your daughters! So, don’t die, but live the fullest life that God wants you to live.

Don’t end your marriage for that reason. I don’t think you are the only one is suffering though your wife may not show that she is suffering. Why she put a bold face like that ! It is because she wants to project her family to her friends and those in the church that her family is on good terms and get along, though she bears with different reality. You may barely know though she knew you and daughters are in the best physical and mental condition, she is trying to present in her own way that she live and bear with you all ; she may be crying on the inside that nobody can help her ; if she ever reveal her weaknesses of her family, nobody wants to befriend with her and then you likewise be also affected. May be that is why she write on the book that is foolish, wrong and careless because there is no place to express her frustrations.

When you finally accepts her weaknesses, inabilities, and failures —- you understand why she was not in the mood of kissing, etc.

You will find yourself the reason to divorce is not right when you understand her side of suffering.

This is what we have heard:
Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, -Colossians 3:12

bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. -Colossians 3:13

It is understandable that most or may be all husbands are blamed for wrong, even when they are not wrong.

Understand Jesus, who bears our wrongs and carried our wrongs to the cross that we may die to sin and live to His righteousness and by His wounds, we are healed.

What I am trying to say is wife cannot find other place to blame beside husband. Why? It is because the husband is the home where her hearts is; in other words, she find home where her wrongs are forgiven and home where she find herself accepted despite her weaknesses, inabilities and failures.

I understand the suffering to be blamed for what husband have not done or said wrong or look wrong ! In other words, when you suffer for what is right, you are suffering for righteousness’s sake; that means you are suffering for Christ’s sake.

If you felt this suffering to be blamed for what is right — is too much to bear.

Remember what the Lord Jesus Christ have said :

Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. -Matthew 11:29

What do the Lord mean to take His yoke upon you ? It means that the Lord is willing to suffer with you; that means that you are not alone when you are suffering , that is, to be mistreated, offended, hated , humiliated, reject and abandon.

That is how great the steadfast love of the Lord and His compassion on you, too!

When you pray that you want to take His yoke — when you have learned about the Lord in heart — you will find rest for your soul or mind.

Is it not that rest in your mind that you are looking for in understanding this situation?

This is what we have heard:

All this is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:
that God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them.
And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.-2 Corinthians 5:18-19


Therefore, be reconciled with yourself in full speed, speedyone !
Be reconciled to your wife in full speed, speedyone !
Be reconciled to God through Christ in full speed, speedyone !

May God strengthen your family !

 

[Jeshu]

To make things worse: we are in the middle of an adoption. My wife felt called to adopt a special needs child. Despite being in a loveless marriage, I prayed to God, asking Him if this was His will....and my heart was opened to adopting.

If you are as sick as you seem to be would adopting a special needs child be wise? We did the same and adopted Sam at 5, she has down syndrome and been abused in her previous family, she is severely mentally handicapped, at times no older than 1 1/2 - 2 years of age intellectually, though socially she is much brighter. It was very hard to win her trust and to be a good dad to her. She has many special needs and at 33 still lives with us, while all the other kids have gone and made their own families, Sam wants to stay home with us. Though we both love Sam like anything it has been hard adopting her into our family.

You need help brother. Good marriage counselling is needed. Once your marriage is sorted out you decide on adopting not before. If you pull out of the adoption process without giving any personal details then you can try again later on when your marriage has been fixed and your health has been restored.

Peace.