Bipolar Disorder and Christians

[Jeshu]

Well I got upset again yesterday. I had thought that God wanted me to take a direction in my life but now I realize that I am just confused again. I had a dream and thought maybe He was trying to tell me something but now I realize that's not what it was at all.

This is so difficult, and having manic episodes makes it even worse. So I have decided to toss everything out and start over. All the crazy visions and dreams and stuff like that I am going to ignore from now on. Well I am keeping one thing from the mania but that's just because it makes me happy and I will take happiness whenever I can because I don't get a lot of happiness in my life. I don't know if it is truly from God or not but it does make me happy to think about it.

I am not saying I am not going to believe in Jesus, as I always will. I am saying I am not going to believe in myself ever again. Anything that comes from my defective mind I am going to ignore for now on. If God ever does want to tell me something (which isn't likely) He is going to have to show up here and tell me Himself. Even then I wouldn't believe it unless someone else saw it too. I would think it was a hallucination or something.

Really I don't know why I have to go through all of this. It's really upsetting. I am going to try reading my bible again even though its so hard for me because all of these pills that I take gives me the memory of a gnat. I read the same thing over and over and still have a hard time getting it to sink in. I was going to read Isaiah but a big book of prophecy is probably a bad idea for a person like me. I guess I will just read the gospels again. I like reading about Jesus. It makes me happy.

The Beggar Of My Existence

Begging I lay beside the road, unable to get-up or move on.
Paralysed after a viscous assault when I was just a little kid
bloodied I stared at my wretched existence for many years.
Hope had gone, pain throbbing, hungry and thirsty, cold and alone,
the inner demons dragging me deeper and deeper down the drain,
helpless the wicked abused my life, robbing me of all my possessions.

Most of my life I lay there beside the road alone
I don't know how I survived my miserable existence,
by-passers often bashed me, blaming me for their hate.
At first I was raped night after night for years,
lately mainly tortured for cruel fun and cheap thrills,
oh yes, those wicked ones have been hurting me!

Not often have peels been part of my diet,
weeds, grass, rotten fruit and insects,
that's what I ate, such meagre meals.
I was skin over bones and smelled like sewage.
Walking dead, longing for an early ending.
I didn't feel worthy to carry the name human.

Suddenly I became aware of a pleasant aroma,
a beautifully perfumed visitor, a rich stranger,
he knelt beside beside me and took hold of me
I thought, maybe he'll give me something worthwhile,
I'd better ask quickly before he goes on his way,
normally the rich don't ever stop to talk to me!

Facing the visitor I croaked through parched lips,
please? I am unable to move and very hungry,
my last visitor abused me and I'm hurting bad,
could you spare me some food or money,
a sip of water, I'm so thirsty right now?
Expectantly I looked up into the man's eyes.

Chewing delicious bread I stared at the stranger,
the young wine had refreshed me completely
where did all this come from I wonder?
My taste-buds were in Heaven and so was I
I couldn't believe what I was hearing
I remember his lips pronounce the words;

"Shalom... Beloved...

..You're most welcome, my child," he said,
"Eat your fill, here, have another sip of wine,
your clothes are all worn, dirty and broken.
At home I have some new clean garments your size,
a warm bath and a place of safety and rest,
awaiting my dwelling-place high-up New Eden street."

That's what he said, and that's what he did for me!
Amazed I watched as out of nowhere servants arrived,
gently lifting me out of my grime and of the street,
carrying me along an all together different route,
right to the top of a most beautiful mountain hill,
halting before a mansion I didn't know could exist.

A doctor came and tended my wounds and sores
ointments soothing, smelling like fragrant herbs
a massage, gently, carefully rejuvenating me.
Years long ache disappearing, well-being arriving,
heaven on earth how could all this be for me,
when did I do anything to deserve this treatment?

A gentle knock on my door, as I lay sleeping
in a massive bedroom, adorned for royalty.
"You've been invited at The Feast tonight."
I recall this loving moment fleetingly pass by,
how lovely he looked standing there,
"and Dad said he likes to meet you as well."

I remember how confused I had been, Dad?
A party tonight, seeing Dad, who and what else?
Why is he looking after me so fantastically well?
My mind was in turmoil after all these events,
several hours ago I still lay dying in my filth,
and now..? now I was so alive and so fulfilled!

Gratitude arose like paradise restored within,
never before did I feel so much thankfulness,
I'd been rescued from a life of painful misery,
saved from the wretchedness of my existence,
restored to human dignity, loved and cared for,
deep down I knew Life had found me for good.


You know what I found sis? I found that all good comes from God, so having a great time is always from Him, however we can place such a good time in the lies of our manic mind and then the pain comes in The End in very bad ways for the wicked will steal our good life and leave us bereft. I've been through that countless of times as well in the past. Bipolar so often means having a purse with holes in it.

So I agree with you not believe yourself ever, but to only believe God and thank Him for all the good that comes your way and ask him to establish it in your heart in such a way that satan can't steal it from you when you go psychotic or manic nor when you are down deep.

I know such is hard work and takes time, for we will have to get to know The Word of God by heart, for only the word of God can keep us safe from satan's lies when we read it with faith in God's love Jesus Christ and Him crucified. ( 1 Peter 1: 22-25)

For if we read the Word of God in fearful or guilty spirit, or any other unfaithful to His love emotions in us, then we place His Word wrongly within and the word of God will cut us badly, (Hebrews 4:12) but when we read it in love for God then He speaks The truth of His salvation right within us, no matter how manic we are. ( Romans 8:1-2, 1 Corinthians 13:13)

It is about trusting that Jesus will save us from the lies that have us captive and set us free in His truth. Such can be very difficult when we suffer from mental illness but the rewards are very high for those who dare to trust in Him and drop the lies ruling misery in the pit and let Go's graceful love in Christ lift them out.

So being manic and happy in Christ is always good when you are in love with Christ, but satan will try and rob such times from you by getting you to place such times into his lies firing your ill mind, usually at other times, and then we end up with desolations instead. So make sure that you always stay in The Truth of God's Word for then satan can never get you and those good times will grow into blissful times, into heavenly times and into Eternal times, honestly true.

I got to know Jesus really well in my high times in the end and loved interacting with him on such joyous levels. However the best place I found Jesus was in my depressive cycle, right on the bottom, where my poor tortured self was on the bottom of it all. When Jesus found me, me suffering satan's misery was forever over and His good life came instead. I love how Jesus is with me down deep, greatest Brother, Friend, Lover, and Saviour to be at such times.

Peace.


Song of Solomon 1:4 Take me away with you—let us hurry!
Let the king bring me into his chambers.

Love Making.

My love removes what has no desire or need,
To bare to the passions of embracing His Love,
Pure ecstasy as His Love releases The Seed,
Love making conceives Heavenly bliss from above.

My love carrying what His Good Loving has Sown,
Awaiting the time of delivery to be done,
Our Heavenly Dad to give a child of His own,
Hear the Angels adore Him who gave us The Son.