Being Quiet and Contemplative

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Communication is a key part of marriage or any relationship. I often hear single women say they are looking for an emotionally open man. I think women like to share their feelings more than men do. I can be talkative but prefer silence most of the time. I am highly intelligent and my mind likes to think, process, contemplate. Discussing the day or talking about friends or family just doesn't occupy my mind for long. I literally do not know what married couples find to talk about especially once they no longer have children at home. Twenty minutes of talking a day is usually enough for me so I don't know what I would do if I had a spouse at home who wanted more communication than that. I find talking tiring and draining.

I love time alone and by alone I do me alone as in no one else in the house. Being left alone for a period of time is not the same as being alone. Knowing there is no one else in the house is such peaceful feeling. That feeling that I don't have to interact with anyone else unless I want to and make arrangements to.

I have been married and I never slept as well sharing a bed as sleeping alone. Something about having someone else in the bed makes me restless and I feel trapped especially if they get too close. I can cuddle for a short period of time but then I need my space to sleep.

I know its very natural to want company. Most people enjoy having someone else around to talk to and do things with. I think some of us have minds that don't want to be distracted by conversation. I suppose we have an inner thought life that takes the place of having an outward conversational life. I almost prefer exchanging emails to talking in person or on the phone.

Such a life though leads to great discoveries, great leanings, great understanding of self. If you are content with your own company and don't miss physical touch then it's a good life. Not for everyone I know. Maybe people like me are rare. I don't know. I can go days or a week or more without a single meaningful conversation with another person. Doesn't bother me a bit.

Anyone else out there like this? Does this seem strange?

 

[Apologetic_Warrior]

Communication is a key part of marriage or any relationship. I often hear single women say they are looking for an emotionally open man. I think women like to share their feelings more than men do. I can be talkative but prefer silence most of the time. I am highly intelligent and my mind likes to think, process, contemplate. Discussing the day or talking about friends or family just doesn't occupy my mind for long. I literally do not know what married couples find to talk about especially once they no longer have children at home. Twenty minutes of talking a day is usually enough for me so I don't know what I would do if I had a spouse at home who wanted more communication than that. I find talking tiring and draining.

I love time alone and by alone I do me alone as in no one else in the house. Being left alone for a period of time is not the same as being alone. Knowing there is no one else in the house is such peaceful feeling. That feeling that I don't have to interact with anyone else unless I want to and make arrangements to.

I have been married and I never slept as well sharing a bed as sleeping alone. Something about having someone else in the bed makes me restless and I feel trapped especially if they get too close. I can cuddle for a short period of time but then I need my space to sleep.

I know its very natural to want company. Most people enjoy having someone else around to talk to and do things with. I think some of us have minds that don't want to be distracted by conversation. I suppose we have an inner thought life that takes the place of having an outward conversational life. I almost prefer exchanging emails to talking in person or on the phone.

Such a life though leads to great discoveries, great leanings, great understanding of self. If you are content with your own company and don't miss physical touch then it's a good life. Not for everyone I know. Maybe people like me are rare. I don't know. I can go days or a week or more without a single meaningful conversation with another person. Doesn't bother me a bit.

Anyone else out there like this? Does this seem strange?

Yes, and not strange, I am married and have a son, and I am very similar in personality to you. So know you are not alone, even when you are alone.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Yes, and not strange, I am married and have a son, and I am very similar in personality to you. So know you are not alone, even when you are alone.

Thank you. Were you that way prior to marriage? I can't imagine enjoying having someone around enough to get married...

 

[Apologetic_Warrior]

Thank you. Were you that way prior to marriage? I can't imagine enjoying having someone around enough to get married...

Yes. In marriage it is kind of different, she helps. Her personality is just the opposite of mine, and helps bring some balance to my social imbalances. The right someone is understanding and willing and able to help. The bed issue might be a problem though, but it is worth the sacrifices, including sleep. My grandparents on my dad's side, slept in separate beds for as long as I can remember.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Yes. In marriage it is kind of different, she helps. Her personality is just the opposite of mine, and helps bring some balance to my social imbalances. The right someone is understanding and willing and able to help. The bed issue might be a problem though, but it is worth the sacrifices, including sleep. My grandparents on my dad's side, slept in separate beds for as long as I can remember.

I can sleep with someone else in the bed so long as they keep to their side I like to sleep close to the edge, mostly facing out, with a fan on the nightstand blowing loudly into my face. I just love it. I sleep so well like that. Now were I married my wife might feel like I was turning my back on her and being as far from her as I can get but that is how I sleep single so it would have nothing to do with her. Sleep is precious and I would not change my style of sleep for a marriage. I could meet her in the middle and cuddle when we first go to bed but when it's time to really sleep then I would move to my edge.

 

[dayhiker]

I fall asleep quickly most nights and sleep pretty soundly. If I wake up I also fall back to sleep quickly. So having someone else in the bed doesn't effect my sleep.
I once slept with a lady friend who wants to be physical touching all night. So if either of us moved she adjusted to stayed touching. That was quite different but I still got a good nights sleep.

 

[Bass4Jesus]

I've been single all my life. I can't fathom how a man and woman can sleep together. It's inconceivable to me. If I were the man, I'd want constant foreplay and naughtiness until the 5:30 AM alarm went off, but try telling that to the boss when you drag yourself in every day with dark circles under your eyes and you make a habit out of immediately going to sleep at your desk.

 

[dayhiker]

I've been single all my life. I can't fathom how a man and woman can sleep together. It's inconceivable to me. If I were the man, I'd want constant foreplay and naughtiness until the 5:30 AM alarm went off, but try telling that to the boss when you drag yourself in every day with dark circles under your eyes and you make a habit out of immediately going to sleep at your desk.

That's why you have a honeymoon ... to get some of that excitement burned off ...
Many married people watch TV too long and then are too tired to make love when they get to bed.

 

[Bass4Jesus]

That's why you have a honeymoon ... to get some of that excitement burned off ...
Many married people watch TV too long and then are too tired to make love when they get to bed.

"Excitement burned off..." You make it sound like a wart that needs to be dealt with. At the risk of sending this down a rabbit trail, I think that's a contributing factor to why people get divorced. I mean the gradual disappearance of externalized affection.

On the TV thing, I don't know how anyone (singles or couples) can actually sit and watch TV, even for two minutes. IMO that stuff is so corrosive, I'd deem it poison -- the brain's equivalent of kryptonite.

 

[Lost4words]

I never go to bed without my teddy bear.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Maybe it's just me but when I go to bed it's time to sleep. By the time I hit the bed I am tired and primed for sleep. Other activities are best done earlier in the evening when I am more awake. Same thing first thing in the morning. I am still waking up so morning intimacy is not that desirable.

In my case it's a moot point. Age and health have robbed me of an interest in those activities.

 

[dayhiker]

I totally agree with you, NotUrAvgGuy, love making should be when one is awake and has good energy. Sometimes it doesn't go that way .. and that would be TMI for this place!

 

[Rajni]

Communication is a key part of marriage or any relationship. I often hear single women say they are looking for an emotionally open man. I think women like to share their feelings more than men do. I can be talkative but prefer silence most of the time. I am highly intelligent and my mind likes to think, process, contemplate. Discussing the day or talking about friends or family just doesn't occupy my mind for long. I literally do not know what married couples find to talk about especially once they no longer have children at home. Twenty minutes of talking a day is usually enough for me so I don't know what I would do if I had a spouse at home who wanted more communication than that. I find talking tiring and draining.

I love time alone and by alone I do me alone as in no one else in the house. Being left alone for a period of time is not the same as being alone. Knowing there is no one else in the house is such peaceful feeling. That feeling that I don't have to interact with anyone else unless I want to and make arrangements to.

I have been married and I never slept as well sharing a bed as sleeping alone. Something about having someone else in the bed makes me restless and I feel trapped especially if they get too close. I can cuddle for a short period of time but then I need my space to sleep.

I know its very natural to want company. Most people enjoy having someone else around to talk to and do things with. I think some of us have minds that don't want to be distracted by conversation. I suppose we have an inner thought life that takes the place of having an outward conversational life. I almost prefer exchanging emails to talking in person or on the phone.

Such a life though leads to great discoveries, great leanings, great understanding of self. If you are content with your own company and don't miss physical touch then it's a good life. Not for everyone I know. Maybe people like me are rare. I don't know. I can go days or a week or more without a single meaningful conversation with another person. Doesn't bother me a bit.

Anyone else out there like this? Does this seem strange?

Much of the above applies to me as well.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Like many things in life it has taken decades to accept myself. We live in a society where pairing up with another is the norm. Half the songs you here on the radio deal with love and relationships. The movies are full or romance. "Loners" are considered anti-social, and even dangerous. It's always the "loner" who blows up something or goes on some killing spree. The implication is that spending too much time alone is unhealthy and can lead to mental health issues.

As a Christian it's harder still. We are taught that unless you have the "gift of singleness" God wants you to marry. I've read articles where Christian leaders have admonished young Christian singles to quit procrastinating and get on the important business of marriage and family. Often the young single men are singled out for not pairing up with the serious single women who want marriage and family but are waiting on the more selfish sex that wants to enjoy freedom awhile longer. I know I grew up believing that to "have the gift of singleness" meant devoting your life to full-time ministry and even then ministries not quite suited to a married person. What if you weren't cutout for marriage yet did not feel called to those kinds of ministries? Are in living in sin? Some advocate marriage so that you don't "burn" with desire but if that is your *only* reason to marry is that a good idea? I am NOT advocating sex outside of marriage just making a point. The pattern the church promotes is marrying young, raising a family, then soon being loving grandparents. That is a very Biblical picture but those who don't fit the pattern can often feel outcasts. Personally I am tired of the "be fruitful and multiply" argument for marriage and family. While God did give that command, I think at this point we've accomplished that. The earth is filled pretty well. Yes we need to keep raising generations of godly offspring but a few couples not having children is not going to depopulate the earth.

I've had to accept that I am not marriage material and that God can still use me as a single without me having to be a missionary in a dangerous jungle setting. Singleness is not necessarily a temporary state awaiting marriage. Too many singles put their lives on hold while searching for their partner. Live! Chances are you'll meet your partner, if that is God's will, while you are going about living. We have to realize that in Christ we are complete. We lack for nothing. There is no marriage in heaven. It can be a great blessing in this life and clearly instituted by God and the norm for most but if it's not for you then so be it. Carry on.

 

[Rajni]

Personally I am tired of the "be fruitful and multiply" argument for marriage and family. While God did give that command, I think at this point we've accomplished that.

It could be argued that the command to be fruitful and multiply was directed to Adam and Eve specifically, and therefore not a blanket command to all people for all time. So that takes some of the pressure off, I think.

As for the urgency to marry and procreate in general, any religion would benefit from its members procreating like crazy. More children means more members, and more members means more power (and more money).

 

[Miles]

I'm quiet and contemplative. I like having my own space, but I'm also comfortable, talkative, and even energetic around certain people. I'd like to eventually find and marry such a person.

My social skills are solid, but acting like an extrovert takes a tremendous toll on me. I'd rather be alone than fake it.

Much like you, I didn't feel called to foreign missions or other things that Christians with the so-called "gift of singleness" are supposed to be into. Perhaps ironically, I'm better equipped for family life, building and fixing things, doing yard work, drawing, writing, making music at home etc.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

It could be argued that the command to be fruitful and multiply was directed to Adam and Eve specifically, and therefore not a blanket command to all people for all time. So that takes some of the pressure off, I think.

As for the urgency to marry and procreate in general, any religion would benefit from its members procreating like crazy. More children means more members, and more members means more power (and more money).

It's been a major growth strategy of the LDS church.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

I'm quiet and contemplative. I like having my own space, but I'm also comfortable, talkative, and even energetic around certain people. I'd like to eventually find and marry such a person.

My social skills are solid, but acting like an extrovert takes a tremendous toll on me. I'd rather be alone than fake it.

Much like you, I didn't feel called to foreign missions or other things that Christians with the so-called "gift of singleness" are supposed to be into. Perhaps ironically, I'm better equipped for family life, building and fixing things, doing yard work, drawing, writing, making music at home etc.

I think I am best at sharing my gifts then spending my alone time learning, researching, and writing. I keep a Christian blog and in the past have taught extensively. The challenge now is I go to a great church but loaded with gifted teachers thanks to a close affiliation with a local Bible college. I would have to be way more active/social in the church to be considered for teaching adults assuming my two divorces did not prove to be an issue. The other thing I've noticed is that most of the "meaty" teaching is done by staff with the home studies and such more around sermon questions or Christian books. I could do a book but then I'd like something pretty meaty and not the typical applicational book.

 

[dayhiker]

Its interesting how many Bible teachers there are that are men who like to spend a lot of time alone.
That was me 20 yrs ago!

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Its interesting how many Bible teachers there are that are men who like to spend a lot of time alone.
That was me 20 yrs ago!

Back when I was teaching a lot I could spend 20 hours preparing for a one hour teaching time. That is hard to do if you are married and it's not your full-time job. I am surprised there are not more single pastors especially in big churches where they have plenty of staff to cover various ministries. I know people tend to feel a single pastor won't relate to couples and families. Still if you have a family pastor on staff and this pastor is more of a teaching pastor I don't see why it should matter. In a smaller church where the pastor tends to where a lot of hats I can see it. That said, teaching the Word does not require one to be married. A single pastor would have more time to prepare. I go to a biggish church and while I have met my pastor a few times, I've never been to his office or spent any significant time with him. I wouldn't care if he was single.