I am a Christian in my thirties who has struggled with a inappropriate content addiction for about 20 years. There have been seasons of more success (I believe the longest I have gone without inappropriate content is 1 year) and, especially recently, seasons of crippling failure. My wife knows about my addiction and has been remarkably supportive of my fight against it. At the same time she has also offered me forgiveness that I can only attribute to her own trust in the Gospel of grace. I have also brought in friends and a deacon at my church to act as accountability partners. I have installed filters, monitoring apps, cameras, and more to help me fight this.
Despite all this, in the past year I have slid into darker forms of inappropriate content (nothing illegal, just icky) and I have fallen more often, in the past few months it feels like every other day. Yesterday I confessed to my wife and my deacon again that I fell. She woke me in tears early this morning and told me that she had just dreamed that I committed adultery against her with another woman. It broke my heart, as it should have. The truth is that in a way I had.
Now I am beginning the journey to lay this to rest once and for all. This inappropriate content addiction has crippled my life and, far more importantly, my ability to teach and preach. It is my hope that one day I will be able to take on a pastorate at a small church somewhere. But I understand that while I struggle with this that is not possible. In the past few years my pastor, who also knows about my problem, has allowed me to guest preach and I am seldomly more happy than when I can expound the scriptures and preach the Gospel of grace.
The Lord has made it clear to me that this abomination, this adultery against him and my wife, must stop now. For good.
The only thing that I can think of that I have not done is post on a public forum regarding my former addiction.
If it would me acceptable I would like to post here weekly about my recovery. This will not replace my church support structure or my accountability partners. But I feel that an outlet like this might help me.
The Lord is good. I have struggled emotionally over this wretched addiction and have questioned pretty much everything I believe at one point or another because of this addiction. But through it all the Lord has remained faithful. He holds me even though I have sinned against him so many times. We should all praise him for his goodness and grace. I am sure of this:
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. - Philippians 1:6
Despite all this, in the past year I have slid into darker forms of inappropriate content (nothing illegal, just icky) and I have fallen more often, in the past few months it feels like every other day. Yesterday I confessed to my wife and my deacon again that I fell. She woke me in tears early this morning and told me that she had just dreamed that I committed adultery against her with another woman. It broke my heart, as it should have. The truth is that in a way I had.
Now I am beginning the journey to lay this to rest once and for all. This inappropriate content addiction has crippled my life and, far more importantly, my ability to teach and preach. It is my hope that one day I will be able to take on a pastorate at a small church somewhere. But I understand that while I struggle with this that is not possible. In the past few years my pastor, who also knows about my problem, has allowed me to guest preach and I am seldomly more happy than when I can expound the scriptures and preach the Gospel of grace.
The Lord has made it clear to me that this abomination, this adultery against him and my wife, must stop now. For good.
The only thing that I can think of that I have not done is post on a public forum regarding my former addiction.
If it would me acceptable I would like to post here weekly about my recovery. This will not replace my church support structure or my accountability partners. But I feel that an outlet like this might help me.
The Lord is good. I have struggled emotionally over this wretched addiction and have questioned pretty much everything I believe at one point or another because of this addiction. But through it all the Lord has remained faithful. He holds me even though I have sinned against him so many times. We should all praise him for his goodness and grace. I am sure of this:
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. - Philippians 1:6