Be alert soon to be fathers..

[Larniavc]

I am all for dads working EXTRA hours, double shifts and multiple jobs.

That's exactly the wrong thing!

Mum's need their partner there, on hand, mucking in and being with the child as they grow up.

Not coming in at 10pm, going to bed and then getting up to go back to work (I exaggerate but you get the idea).

Being with mum and baby over being at the office is better for all concerned.

 

[Larniavc]

I guess I reflect on my experience - I was fortunate, my husband had two months at home with me when our daughter was born, and then flexible arrangements with his employer after that - it helped create a great bond between them, and, I think, helped keep my mental health only at "mild anxiety" rather than "crushing PND" level. And was enriching and delightful for him!

And also because I want a world where becoming a mother doesn't automatically make education, work, or other aspects of life nigh unto impossible, and for that to happen we need it to be easier, not harder, for dads to take an equal share in parenting. For a while there my husband and I each worked three days a week and had really very equal parenting, and we had others around us talk about us having found the "holy grail" of work-family balance. It wasn't perfect (nothing is) but it was a darned sight better than me being trapped at home while he slogged his guts out.

A world where we idolise work as the point of our existence is unhealthy in so many ways; we need to create a culture where we work to live, not the other way around. A world where anyone needs to work double shifts or multiple jobs out of the need to survive (not from desire, and even that should ideally only for a short time) is, imho, wrong.

This post is full of win.

 

[blackribbon]

I was grateful that my husband allowed me to be a stay at home. Going to work would have caused me more postpartum depression because I wasn't there for my child (and pumping is a pain in the butt).

Yes, but isolation is a big deal. My husband did work long hours but when he wasn't working, he was home with us. The support system for stay-at-home moms is now getting very thin as most women do work. I will also say that people treated me like I instantly became dumb after giving birth since I did stay at home and didn't have a job they admired.

 

[Larniavc]

It was directing the choir, writing much of our worship music, arranging the rest and leading worship for 3 services a week.

I think the point is that you should have prioritised your wife and baby over this activity.

 

[blackribbon]

That's exactly the wrong thing!

Mum's need their partner there, on hand, mucking in and being with the child as they grow up.

Not coming in at 10pm, going to bed and then getting up to go back to work (I exaggerate but you get the idea).

Being with mum and baby over being at the office is better for all concerned.

Not all jobs allow this. I am a nurse and that isn't even a family friendly job. 12.5 hour shifts that usually go to 13 hours. 3 call ins allowed a year ... total. One minute late is not acceptable.

 

[Larniavc]

In our case My Wife WANTED to be a full time stay at home mom.

And she was really good with them.

Fair enough.

 

[Larniavc]

Not all jobs allow this. I am a nurse and that isn't even a family friendly job. 12.5 hour shifts that usually go to 13 hours. 3 call ins allowed a year ... total. One minute late is not acceptable.

I can empathise. My wife is a mid wife and works similar shifts but the NHS bends over backwards to make allowances for family.

I never stop appreciating that fact (we both work for the NHS).

 

[blackribbon]

I can empathise. My wife is a mid wife and works similar shifts but the NHS bends over backwards to make allowances for family.

I never stop appreciating that fact (we both work for the NHS).

I can empathise. My wife is a mid wife and works similar shifts but the NHS bends over backwards to make allowances for family.

I never stop appreciating that fact (we both work for the NHS).

We get threatened with being "written up". Main problem with being written up is that you can't transfer to a different unit until the warning is released. My unit is understaffed and I return home dead after each shift. I can't even get help finding people to trade shifts with when I have single mother issues (my husband died 8 years ago).

 

[Larniavc]

We get threatened with being "written up". Main problem with being written up is that you can't transfer to a different unit until the warning is released. My unit is understaffed and I return home dead after each shift. I can't even get help finding people to trade shifts with when I have single mother issues (my husband died 8 years ago).

That sounds really tough, it can't be easy for you.

 

[Paidiske]

I was grateful that my husband allowed me to be a stay at home. Going to work would have caused me more postpartum depression because I wasn't there for my child (and pumping is a pain in the butt).

Yes, but isolation is a big deal. My husband did work long hours but when he wasn't working, he was home with us. The support system for stay-at-home moms is now getting very thin as most women do work. I will also say that people treated me like I instantly became dumb after giving birth since I did stay at home and didn't have a job they admired.

I think it also depends what phase of parenting we're talking about. When my daughter was tiny - under one - I was a student with a casual job, and the couple of classes and one work shift a week which got me out of the house and talking to other adults were a lifeline to sanity. I probably would have found full-time work hard, though (and I could never get anything expressing).

But as children grow it's easier to do more and be more flexible. I finished my studies when she turned two, and that was a good point to step back into the workplace with a bigger job.

blackribbon, it sounds like it's not just men's workplace conditions which need some improvement!

 

[PloverWing]

My employer (the NHS in U.K.) lets both parents divide up the 40 or so weeks leave between them as they see fit.

40 weeks, wow.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's parental leave.

 

[Paidiske]

Is that paid or unpaid, though?

Here in Australia I got a year's leave, unpaid.

 

[Larniavc]

Is that paid or unpaid, though?

Here in Australia I got a year's leave, unpaid.

Six months full pay, three months half pay.

ABE: she then used all the leave that she had accrued (about five weeks).

 

[justwokeup]

Although most mothers, not all of them can take care of their babies properly. However the beginning of life is crucial what comes to the rest of it ...
So protect your babies from this danger future fathers if necessary by talking to your wives about the subjectmatter and demanding the best care for the newborm.[/QUOTE
Thank you for the great answers and thinking about how to prevent this type of violence that I wanted to bring up because it causes such a damage. It damages the very b e i n g of the new individual and for that reason is a risk to every human on this planet. That serious! It is a bad deed.
An adult can't see the world from the baby' s point of view which also excists. Babies are fragiles and I think there are ways of harming a baby without leaving any marks. He can do very little by himself. But it is not the violence as such but the fact that he has to wittness evilness that breaks him. No one can take it.
The relationship between the mother and the baby is more intimate, or what do you think? But the father has a lot invested in the newcomer as well and he gives it to his wife's hands Møre or less completely.
I'm against all kinds of violence but that's why I wanted to say this to the fathers. As prevention.

 

[Angeleyes7715]

Maybe part of what needs to happen is pushing for change in workplace culture, to allow dads to more easily be involved parents in these early months? I've heard of some employers, for example, allowing new dads to work one day less a week, or go home a couple of hours early each day, for some months after the birth... that sort of thing can make a huge difference!

The pharmacist at my past job got paid paternity leave.