Baptized December 11, dealing with depression. Thinking about suicide

[isaiah15689]

Hi,

There is no easy way to say this. I am a sinner. I was a horrible sinner. I abused the love of those around me, I did whatever I wanted while believing that life was meaningless. I have always hated the fact of my existence and could never understand why God would put me here in such a place to face trial and then judgement. I feel like my life was predestined and I have seen and lived it before. I am having trouble escaping my old thinking and deja'vu is a daily occurrence.

I have three beautiful daughters who I forgot to visit yesterday (Christmas 2017). It was on my mind all day but I put it on the back burner because I was dealing with feelings of depression of not having any gifts for them. In all actuality, it didn't matter, they are all under the age of five. Over the course of my fatherhood, I have failed in being there for them and holding a job. That is right, I am a deadbeat dad.

I was always resentful toward my family because of my upbringing. It was hard. But I am 26 now. I had plenty time to take responsibility and build a better life for myself. I ran from that a lot.

I have always valued discipline and well rounded people who had themselves together. I have always wanted better for myself but for some reason, change always felt out of reach. I have feeling so hateful and guilty toward myself over the years that I suicide has been a constant thought haunting me since childhood. I struggle with mental illness (better said a bad heart).

I was baptized December 11 of this year hoping to make a change. I cannot deny our mighty Lord's existence in my life anymore. I decided to commit at the point where my life was (and still is) falling apart. I am having trouble holding on. I gave up drinking and smoking pot, but I still smoke cigarettes because of stress. I have an amazing new congregation, but do not know how to reach out to them about something like this. I live with my mother and it is time for me to leave. (we have already had the talk) my best option is probably Lafayette Louisiana.

I prayed for God to bring me spiritual teachers and a congregation. He did. He has given me the tools to start changing. With that being said, I think that leaving is a bad idea.

However, with all that is happening and all that I am and the way that I keep failing our Father I feel unworthy. I feel like one of his children that fell away. I want to be with him for I know that he is the only one that get heal me and get me through all of this but year after year, I fail and I fail. I feel lost. I feel that even though he has covered me with his Grace and wants me to come to him, that I have already fell and fallen away.

I never wanted to live life in the first place. I knew that it was too much as a child. For some reason, I knew that I would fall away.

I just want happiness, love, peace and joy. I want my family back and to have a clear mind. I want to know love. I feel like I have been in darkness my entire life. I finally want to know light.

Please,

HELP ME!!!

 

[Almost there]

I look at it this way: Every single human being on the planet has the exact same life span. We even have a word for that life span: "today"

Paul said "I die every day".

The past is irrelevant other than regarding what you can learn from it. The question that should be on your mind is, "Today is my life in Christ. What am I going to do with this life?" And then go do it.

When you wake up in your new life tomorrow, do the same thing. And the next day and the next. Ask forgiveness for your mistakes and know you are "saved" in spite of them. Works make you better. Works are proof of salvation. Works bring rewards in heaven. But works don't save you. You do them because you are Christs, so keep doing them.

People will put you down for the mistakes you made in your "past lives" (previous days), and the worst offender may be YOU, but ignore them. You can't change the past and God doesn't ask you to. He is a loving father and desires that you go forward from this moment and "sin no more". And the primary beneficiary of that action is YOU. Just do it, moment by moment, day by day. And prayer is nice, but action is required. Love is a decision. Love is an action. Get out there and love yourself, love your children, and love every person you come into contact with.

And do everything prayerfully. It's more important than reading the bible, but neither should be ignored and both are profitable. Highly so.

 

[Antig]

Friend.

You are young with a heavy weight on your shoulders.

You have 3 children. They need YOU. Just like God is your Father and you need Him. Suicide may lead to hell. It may lead to separation from God. It will destroy your childrens lives FOREVER!

I know some of what you go through. You are not alone in your way of life and depression etc. Many of us are the same.

You have to stay strong for your children and your love of God. You are carrying a heavy cross I would say. It won't be easy walking on the road you are on but, God is helping you along. He never let's anyone carry too much.

You need to seek help. One, from a doctor. You need to get this done. It is important. They can help and advise about the depression etc.

You have just been baptised. The devil hates that. He will be trying all ways to make you fail. Dont let him win! Fall, but get back up and run to Jesus. Keep going back to Jesus. Turn to Jesus.

Is there anyone you can speak to at your church? Spiritual guidance would be very good indeed.

My friend. Stay strong. Rebuke the devil. Praise God and continue to seek his guidance.

Blessings to you

 

[Grace2022]

Hi,

There is no easy way to say this. I am a sinner. I was a horrible sinner. I abused the love of those around me, I did whatever I wanted while believing that life was meaningless. I have always hated the fact of my existence and could never understand why God would put me here in such a place to face trial and then judgement. I feel like my life was predestined and I have seen and lived it before. I am having trouble escaping my old thinking and deja'vu is a daily occurrence.

I have three beautiful daughters who I forgot to visit yesterday (Christmas 2017). It was on my mind all day but I put it on the back burner because I was dealing with feelings of depression of not having any gifts for them. In all actuality, it didn't matter, they are all under the age of five. Over the course of my fatherhood, I have failed in being there for them and holding a job. That is right, I am a deadbeat dad.

I was always resentful toward my family because of my upbringing. It was hard. But I am 26 now. I had plenty time to take responsibility and build a better life for myself. I ran from that a lot.

I have always valued discipline and well rounded people who had themselves together. I have always wanted better for myself but for some reason, change always felt out of reach. I have feeling so hateful and guilty toward myself over the years that I suicide has been a constant thought haunting me since childhood. I struggle with mental illness (better said a bad heart).

I was baptized December 11 of this year hoping to make a change. I cannot deny our mighty Lord's existence in my life anymore. I decided to commit at the point where my life was (and still is) falling apart. I am having trouble holding on. I gave up drinking and smoking pot, but I still smoke cigarettes because of stress. I have an amazing new congregation, but do not know how to reach out to them about something like this. I live with my mother and it is time for me to leave. (we have already had the talk) my best option is probably Lafayette Louisiana.

I prayed for God to bring me spiritual teachers and a congregation. He did. He has given me the tools to start changing. With that being said, I think that leaving is a bad idea.

However, with all that is happening and all that I am and the way that I keep failing our Father I feel unworthy. I feel like one of his children that fell away. I want to be with him for I know that he is the only one that get heal me and get me through all of this but year after year, I fail and I fail. I feel lost. I feel that even though he has covered me with his Grace and wants me to come to him, that I have already fell and fallen away.

I never wanted to live life in the first place. I knew that it was too much as a child. For some reason, I knew that I would fall away.

I just want happiness, love, peace and joy. I want my family back and to have a clear mind. I want to know love. I feel like I have been in darkness my entire life. I finally want to know light.

Please,

HELP ME!!!

Hello
Firstly well done for getting baptized. Big step. Now it is essential that you pray to Lord Jesus Christ every day to ask Him to guide you, protect you and keep you in his light. Look only to Him.
When a person turns from the darkness to Jesus, they immediately get attacked bt the Devil. He does not want to lose your soul. He is jealous. Ignore him! You no longer belong to him. Jesus is your lord. Jesus will deal with the devil. All demons flee at the very name of Christ. When you feel threatened just pray the Lords Prayer and trust Christ.

It does not matter what you ever did. No condemnation from Jesus or anyone who is truly a christian. . Only love and forgiveness here. As long as you truly have repented.

Arrange to see your vicar in private. Talk to him. Ask him to say prayers of protection for you. Go to church and talk to people thete, experienced christians.
Do not listen to the dark voices telling you negative things. Keep your eyes and ears to Christ and His light. Through Him you will be restored and everything good will happen for you. As long as you pray, have faith and yrust in Jesus. Pray as much as you can. Xx

 

[Grace2022]

Do not be afraid or ashamed. You have already done the hardest thing, accepting Christ as saviour. You are already safe and saved.

 

[isaiah15689]

I look at it this way: Every single human being on the planet has the exact same life span. We even have a word for that life span: "today"

Paul said "I die every day".

The past is irrelevant other than regarding what you can learn from it. The question that should be on your mind is, "Today is my life in Christ. What am I going to do with this life?" And then go do it.

When you wake up in your new life tomorrow, do the same thing. And the next day and the next. Ask forgiveness for your mistakes and know you are "saved" in spite of them. Works make you better. Works are proof of salvation. Works bring rewards in heaven. But works don't save you. You do them because you are Christs, so keep doing them.

People will put you down for the mistakes you made in your "past lives" (previous days), and the worst offender may be YOU, but ignore them. You can't change the past and God doesn't ask you to. He is a loving father and desires that you go forward from this moment and "sin no more". And the primary beneficiary of that action is YOU. Just do it, moment by moment, day by day. And prayer is nice, but action is required. Love is a decision. Love is an action. Get out there and love yourself, love your children, and love every person you come into contact with.

And do everything prayerfully. It's more important than reading the bible, but neither should be ignored and both are profitable. Highly so.

Thank you for your advise. The past haunts me and I live in it. I am having a hard time letting it go and moving on. Getting to tomorrow is a challenge for me now. My mother wants me to leave, I have no job and will probably not have a place to stay soon. Seeing hope in these conditions is hard...

 

[Steve Petersen]

If you are thinking about suicide, you need to contact professional help, not people on the internet. Please, talk to a professional.

 

[isaiah15689]

Thank you all for your support and kind words. The hardest thing to face in this situation is myself. My heart physically hurts at this point. I don't know how to carry on but I am really trying. I just want things to get better, to have my family back and to be healthy again all in Christ. I feel that I am not good enough for him or the people around me. I do not want to hurt anymore and I do not want the ones that I love to hurt anymore. When does it get better?

 

[Almost there]

Thank you for your advise. The past haunts me and I live in it. I am having a hard time letting it go and moving on. Getting to tomorrow is a challenge for me now. My mother wants me to leave, I have no job and will probably not have a place to stay soon. Seeing hope in these conditions is hard...

Learn a skill. Pray about it. There are all sorts of trade schools for all sorts of skills. I did it when I was a year older than you. My step son did it in his early 20's. Mine was computers, his was iron-working. And both of us were "deadbeats" before that.

Seize the day!

 

[isaiah15689]

If you are thinking about suicide, you need to contact professional help, not people on the internet. Please, talk to a professional.

I have tried that and have found no success. One of the reasons I turned to God

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[isaiah15689]

Learn a skill. Pray about it. There are all sorts of trade schools for all sorts of skills. I did it when I was a year older than you. My step son did it in his early 20's. Mine was computers, his was iron-working. And both of us were "deadbeats" before that.

Seize the day!

Thank you for your open honesty and testimony. How did you get past the pain of your old life and get better? Do you mind me asking how you and your sons families are now? I have never spoken to anyone who has had a similar experience to me before.

 

[Yeshua HaDerekh]

Hi,

There is no easy way to say this. I am a sinner. I was a horrible sinner. I abused the love of those around me, I did whatever I wanted while believing that life was meaningless. I have always hated the fact of my existence and could never understand why God would put me here in such a place to face trial and then judgement. I feel like my life was predestined and I have seen and lived it before. I am having trouble escaping my old thinking and deja'vu is a daily occurrence.

I have three beautiful daughters who I forgot to visit yesterday (Christmas 2017). It was on my mind all day but I put it on the back burner because I was dealing with feelings of depression of not having any gifts for them. In all actuality, it didn't matter, they are all under the age of five. Over the course of my fatherhood, I have failed in being there for them and holding a job. That is right, I am a deadbeat dad.

I was always resentful toward my family because of my upbringing. It was hard. But I am 26 now. I had plenty time to take responsibility and build a better life for myself. I ran from that a lot.

I have always valued discipline and well rounded people who had themselves together. I have always wanted better for myself but for some reason, change always felt out of reach. I have feeling so hateful and guilty toward myself over the years that I suicide has been a constant thought haunting me since childhood. I struggle with mental illness (better said a bad heart).

I was baptized December 11 of this year hoping to make a change. I cannot deny our mighty Lord's existence in my life anymore. I decided to commit at the point where my life was (and still is) falling apart. I am having trouble holding on. I gave up drinking and smoking pot, but I still smoke cigarettes because of stress. I have an amazing new congregation, but do not know how to reach out to them about something like this. I live with my mother and it is time for me to leave. (we have already had the talk) my best option is probably Lafayette Louisiana.

I prayed for God to bring me spiritual teachers and a congregation. He did. He has given me the tools to start changing. With that being said, I think that leaving is a bad idea.

However, with all that is happening and all that I am and the way that I keep failing our Father I feel unworthy. I feel like one of his children that fell away. I want to be with him for I know that he is the only one that get heal me and get me through all of this but year after year, I fail and I fail. I feel lost. I feel that even though he has covered me with his Grace and wants me to come to him, that I have already fell and fallen away.

I never wanted to live life in the first place. I knew that it was too much as a child. For some reason, I knew that I would fall away.

I just want happiness, love, peace and joy. I want my family back and to have a clear mind. I want to know love. I feel like I have been in darkness my entire life. I finally want to know light.

Please,

HELP ME!!!

Today is a new day! Your children already have a present from you...YOU are their present, so go and give them it! We ALL fall, that is why grace is awesome because we will always be taken back as long as we repent and try again. Have you spoken with your pastor or a counselor? I also suggest, when feeling like you do, read Psalms and pray. Shalom

 

[rockytopva]

If E = mc2 then we can divide and conclude that...

Mass (m) = Energy (E/c2)

And there are three varieties...

Natural E/c2 - All mass is basically cooled plasma
Mental E/c2 - Mentally, A mathematical formula, but this has chemical and spiritual properties as well.
Spiritual E/c2 - E (motivation, warmth, love) / c2 (faith, hope, charity, joy)

I would begin a diet in which you only let the correct spiritual energies and light into your senses. Keeping your TV tuned to faith things is a great help. Your faith is weak and it needs to grow.

 

[isaiah15689]

You have repented of those sins of the past and been baptized. It is time to start living like a new creature in Christ. You are only separated? Is your wife a Christian?
Does she know you were baptized and have stopped drinking and smoking pot? You have three beautiful very young girls that need their daddy. They need your love and your directions. You are now to train up your children in the way that they should go. Age 26 is still young for you, so pick up and get those that you love back into your life.
There is still hope. Suggest that you don't move away from them. It sounds as if you are talking about moving to another state. Get involved in what they are involved in.
soccer for little kids, take them to the park, go out to eat together, go fly some kites - Just do something. They are waiting for you. Their hearts are longing for you. They need hugged and so do you. Build your family back up and
take them to church.

She doesn't know that I was baptized and have quit my old habits yet. She does not want to talk to me anymore. You are right. If I get more involved and show them where my heart is then hopefully this will all change. I want to take them to church and have all of the experiences that you just mentioned. I don't want to move away. Thank you for your understanding and advice

 

[isaiah15689]

Today is a new day! Your children already have a present from you...YOU are their present, so go and give them it! We ALL fall, that is why grace is awesome because we will always be taken back as long as we repent and try again. Have you spoken with your pastor? I also suggest, when feeling like you do, read Psalms and pray. Shalom

I have a meeting with my pastor today. Thank you for reminding me that Grace is on my side and that there is more to this than what I feel right now.

 

[Yeshua HaDerekh]

I have a meeting with my pastor today. Thank you for reminding me that Grace is on my side and that there is more to this than what I feel right now.

What you are feeling is temporary....death is permanent. There IS much more for you! All good things come in time, just be patient and trust in Yeshua. He will NEVER leave you!

 

[isaiah15689]

What you are feeling is temporary....death is permanent. There IS much more for you! All good things come in time, just be patient and trust in Yeshua. He will NEVER leave you!

This is the truth. Thank you for sharing it with me

 

[Yeshua HaDerekh]

I have a meeting with my pastor today. Thank you for reminding me that Grace is on my side and that there is more to this than what I feel right now.

Are you in PA? Stay in touch, let us know how you are doing! Email me any time you need to!

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm