- Jan 27, 2009
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Hello,
I want to explain my situation. My wife and I, like almost everything, diverge on what to do in this situation. But I figured I'd ask and see what consensus I get.
We have been serving in China for 16 months. We went under a church in Korea that is organized as a cell group church. We were under a cell group leader in China, a Korean woman, who has lived in China for 4 years.
Before we got there, I emailed her and asked her various questions, including asking if two boxes of my personal effects from America had arrived in China. She would respond with very short, blunt, and dare I say it, rude, answers. Told my wife before we even left for China that I could feel that she was very rude and arrogant and self-serving. She shrugged it off, didn't really buy that I could perceive that much through a series of emails.
Then we got there. She had told the pastor that there was a job lined up for my wife when there wasn't. I later talked to her about this, and she told me there never was, and didn't know why the pastor had said anything about this. The pastor still attests to this day that the cell group leader in China literally told her that she had a job lined up for my wife.
She began ignoring our very presence there. She wouldn't talk to us or tell us anything, unless she was barking orders to us at the last possible minute. In her defense, she helped us locate our first apartment there, helped us set up our cell phones there, and bought us a couple of housewarming items, such as a water boiler. But after that, the former things that I mentioned began happening frequently.
If she was a very hands off leader, I would understand. But she dotes on two other ministry workers within the group, one Korean, one Filipina. She keeps them apprised of everything within this group, whereas we're on the fringe, knowing nothing unless the two I just mentioned say something, then they stopped telling us much of what the leader told them, because they realized we don't know, and the leader doesn't want us to know. Or maybe she just told them outright not to tell us.
She put me in charge of preaching, then began twisting my words after I preached, and eventually, removed me from the duty, leaving me with no ministry within the church.
So we spent 15 months isolated there, feeling outcast and thrown out to the garbage. I began experiencing panic attacks, major depression, and overall frustration and disgust with the whole thing. At one point I went over to vent to the Filipina in our group, and she told me, point blank, that the leader told her, "He is having difficulty here because he's called for North Korea, he has to experience difficulty to be effective there."
Well, we came back to Korea. I had a meeting with the pastor of this church last week, and told her about my panic attacks, how I felt isolated, alone, worthless during my time in China. She sent me to a doctor to get checked out, who advised we NOT return to China.
Well, Sunday came, and the group leader from China came in front of the church to give a report of what's happening there. I was not there, I was serving another church at the time, but according to my wife, she mentioned herself, and the other Korean and the Filipina's ministry and what they were doing and how she was helping them. She never mentioned my wife and I at all nor did she even infer that we were there at all.
After that, my wife looked in the church bulletin, and found that in the section where it lists all the cell groups and their attendees, we are listed nowhere in the Chinese group, neither as leaders (which I was one), or as attendees. Who was mentioned however, was one of the group leader's friends who is moving from Korea to China soon to begin ministry there with the leader. So we aren't even on the list, but someone who isn't even there yet already is.
I feel like I need to have another private meeting with the pastor there, so that I can fully articulate what happened there. My wife doesn't want me to, she says it would add undue stress to the pastor. But I feel like the pastor not only has a right to know, but an obligation as a pastor to know when one of her leaders is erring dangerously.
What would you do?
I want to explain my situation. My wife and I, like almost everything, diverge on what to do in this situation. But I figured I'd ask and see what consensus I get.
We have been serving in China for 16 months. We went under a church in Korea that is organized as a cell group church. We were under a cell group leader in China, a Korean woman, who has lived in China for 4 years.
Before we got there, I emailed her and asked her various questions, including asking if two boxes of my personal effects from America had arrived in China. She would respond with very short, blunt, and dare I say it, rude, answers. Told my wife before we even left for China that I could feel that she was very rude and arrogant and self-serving. She shrugged it off, didn't really buy that I could perceive that much through a series of emails.
Then we got there. She had told the pastor that there was a job lined up for my wife when there wasn't. I later talked to her about this, and she told me there never was, and didn't know why the pastor had said anything about this. The pastor still attests to this day that the cell group leader in China literally told her that she had a job lined up for my wife.
She began ignoring our very presence there. She wouldn't talk to us or tell us anything, unless she was barking orders to us at the last possible minute. In her defense, she helped us locate our first apartment there, helped us set up our cell phones there, and bought us a couple of housewarming items, such as a water boiler. But after that, the former things that I mentioned began happening frequently.
If she was a very hands off leader, I would understand. But she dotes on two other ministry workers within the group, one Korean, one Filipina. She keeps them apprised of everything within this group, whereas we're on the fringe, knowing nothing unless the two I just mentioned say something, then they stopped telling us much of what the leader told them, because they realized we don't know, and the leader doesn't want us to know. Or maybe she just told them outright not to tell us.
She put me in charge of preaching, then began twisting my words after I preached, and eventually, removed me from the duty, leaving me with no ministry within the church.
So we spent 15 months isolated there, feeling outcast and thrown out to the garbage. I began experiencing panic attacks, major depression, and overall frustration and disgust with the whole thing. At one point I went over to vent to the Filipina in our group, and she told me, point blank, that the leader told her, "He is having difficulty here because he's called for North Korea, he has to experience difficulty to be effective there."
Well, we came back to Korea. I had a meeting with the pastor of this church last week, and told her about my panic attacks, how I felt isolated, alone, worthless during my time in China. She sent me to a doctor to get checked out, who advised we NOT return to China.
Well, Sunday came, and the group leader from China came in front of the church to give a report of what's happening there. I was not there, I was serving another church at the time, but according to my wife, she mentioned herself, and the other Korean and the Filipina's ministry and what they were doing and how she was helping them. She never mentioned my wife and I at all nor did she even infer that we were there at all.
After that, my wife looked in the church bulletin, and found that in the section where it lists all the cell groups and their attendees, we are listed nowhere in the Chinese group, neither as leaders (which I was one), or as attendees. Who was mentioned however, was one of the group leader's friends who is moving from Korea to China soon to begin ministry there with the leader. So we aren't even on the list, but someone who isn't even there yet already is.
I feel like I need to have another private meeting with the pastor there, so that I can fully articulate what happened there. My wife doesn't want me to, she says it would add undue stress to the pastor. But I feel like the pastor not only has a right to know, but an obligation as a pastor to know when one of her leaders is erring dangerously.
What would you do?