Bad Case of Shyness

[Bsign24]

URGENT:

For most of my life I have been the stereotypical bookworm, at school, I stuck to the books, and at home, I stuck to the books.  As a result, my social life has suffered greatly.  I mean I can mingle with people and talk to people just fine, my only problem is starting the conversation, someone else usually has to make the first move.  I've had freindships with those of the opposite sex which could have gone more, but  I was too shy to act.  But now that I'm a Christian, it's hard for me to have fellowship with others.  I would appreciate any advice anybody has.  Thanks. 

 

[Didymus]

plan ahead what you could say. ask the other person questions like I like action movies do you ? who do you like ? whod o youthink will be in the final four ?

 

[Wide-eyedWithWonder]

  You've found the right person.  I used to be of the shy set.  Now, I feel and think like a totally different person. I can really relate to what you're talking about regarding starting conversations.  I'm still not the best conversation-starter, but it's a lot better now.  I had to gradually overcome my overwhelming self-consciousness (that's what shyness really is-you are too aware of yourself and others and can't do something because you are afraid) by taking small steps.  I tried starting conversations with people and didn't give up when things weren't that great. 

  Something I've found that really helps is to keep some general ideas in your head for talking to different people.  For example, college students really like to talk about their interests and/or major, so I often start conversations by talking about these things.  I sometimes meet new people in the cafeteria.  I'll approach someone by themself and ask if they wouldn't mind me sitting with them.  Then, I'll ask where they're from, what their major is, etc.  This usually gets a good conversation going. Don't expect this to work every time-even the best conversationalist sometimes doesn't connect with who they're talking to.  It's not your fault - just don't worry about why things didn't work. 

  If you want to talk further, just PM me.  ~Candace~ 

 

[RayNay714]

First...know that it is OK to be shy. Everyone has a little bit of it in them somewhere. Second, RELAX!!! Everything will go fine, and try not to make it more difficult than it has to be. I have several friends who are very shy and I think the easiest way for them to break in is to slowly make relationships with others. If you try to be friends with everyone at once you will have an overload! Good Luck!

Jess

 

[Blessed-one]

same here, Bsign24 and Wide-eyedWithWonder, but once i attended university, it has all changed.... everyone talks so freely and randomly that if i stayed quiet, it would be very awkward. um, i've also accepted the fact that i'm not a great conversation starter, so if i couldn't think of anything to say, i won't try to push myself. Sometimes, accepting who you are is important too, otherwise you'll never be able to live your life without worries.

as for fellowship... take it a step at a time, talk a bit and try to relax. I always tell myself that what others think of me is just something that i imagine for myself, maybe it's not like that in reality; oh... (this is really funny) a friend once said to me (i was like... in year 7 back then) that i shouldn't worry about sitting next to a boy (he was the worst boy in school), "It's not like he's gonna kill you". LOL, well, eitherway, her words have been on my mind since then, it helps to dispell the fear of talking to strangers.

um, keep praying, and God will surely answer. It took me about 2 years to get sort of close to the christians at church (excluding the 7 years before because i really didn't understand the real meaning of christianity), and even know, everything's not perfect, but i've prayed and God has answered... so yeah, take your problem to God, oh, and you can try talking to your mentor at church.

*praying for you*

by the way, i was a bookworm too (um, maybe not now, don't have time to read), i tended to ignore the problems and buried myself in the books, it was a good way for so called peace, but i was really running away from my problems.

 

[paulewog]

I'm totally shy. Really I read a lot also. I haven't found a "cure" for shyness, other than being with friends and just forcing myself to be with friends even if it's sometimes uncomfortable. Or if they invite you to something, and even if you won't know anyone except your friend, go anyways. You might have a great time, even

 

[the outlaw]

I tend to be shy, at least when I am first getting to know people. I think it's because if I were to be "me" at 100%, they would totally look at me and go, what is this guy on? Only my closest friends know the not so shy version of myself. I guess that's bad in a way because it really takes a lot of work by the other person to get to know me. I never take the first step unless I have to. (probably why I have so few friends...but they are all really good ones. Quality over Quantity....)

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Nothing wrong with being a bookworm. It'll pay off later.
It'll all work out in time. I think when we're young we all have things we have to work through as we grow. SO hang in there. It'll all come together.

 

[iitb]

One thing to keep in mind is that people LOVE to talk about themselves. If you just ask questions you'll get the conversation going and learn something about your friends.

 

[vibrant]

"nothing wrong with being a bookworm," says the english major. lol.

early on i'd call myself shy, now i just think of myself as quiet. but when i do want to start a conversation, here are some techniques i use:

- smile (calms you down, takes them off the defensive)
- become genuinely interested in a conversation
- kinda know where you want to lead the conversation, at least to start with.
- consider it like a game of tennis... ask questions (put the ball of conversation in their court)
if they're self-centered, they'll just keep it and talk on and on and on.
if they're disinterested, they'll just give a short response and kill the play
if they're nice and interested, they'll put some substance in their answer and put the ball in yours. and the conversation gets rolling.

that's probably why i like a small, intimate gathering. for large ones, you're on your own.

 

[Bsign24]

Thanks, Friends. I appreciate all the advice written on this thread. Just to let you guys know I am getting better at socializing, mostly with people who have the same interest as I do. But most of the time I'm the quiet observer the "fly on the wall"; smile/laugh at their jokes, and listen to their conversations and so on. The problems I have though is with the opposite sex; I had pretty humiliating experiences with them which aren't much but they have given the "fear of rejection" syndrome. I'll take your advice to heart and if you want to give some more or PM me.... feel free.
God Bless.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Dude I am so with you! You sound just like I was.
I always felt like a freak. I like stuff that no one else does. I don't like sports. I don't care about the stock market. I'm a mechanic so I can't relate to people who work in offices. I listen to very hard music. I like books. I like racing and guns. The only thing I could ever do at get togethers was listen to people trying to get me to work on their cars. Other than that they had no use for me.
Well, I'm cool with who I am now. I think that's a big part of it. Just be cool with who you are. God's the one who made you. Sometimes you wonder what he's thinking, but he knows what he's doing.

 

[Wide-eyedWithWonder]

Right on, Mr. Cheese!  I hear what you're saying.  Bsign, the biggest reason I am so different now from what I used to be is that I am  comfortable with who I am.  Taking psychology my junior year in high school helped me realize that I'm really not that different in the areas that really matter; I'm not a "freak" or a "loser", just a little different from a lot of people.  Now, I laugh at myself all the time and celebrate my weirdness.  I've even found people who appreciate it. 

  Often, it's just finding the right people to talk to that is so important.  Keep trying, and you'll find them.  Just take any opportunities you see to get to know people (things like trips, projects, and clubs are great for this).  You will meet people you can really connect with; it just takes time to ease into the habit of being able to share yourself with other people.  The journey is worth it! 

 

[Didymus]

people think my husband is shy and he isnt he is just not a talker. but he sits and listens and dosen t miss a trick. you are young yet. a s you get older you will find more mature girls who you will feel more comfortable with. or a nut-case like me who talks all the time so you will have to talk for self-defense.

 

[psycmajor]

Read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. It really helps you start to consider what's going on from another person's perspective, and I believe was a major influence in my pursuing of psychology. Knowing what's going on with other people may give you more confidence to take the risk of getting to know them.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0671723650/102-3540420-6848962?vi=glance

The title is a bit cheesy, but check it out.

If you fail at making friends, keep trying. I'm almost certain you have qualities that other people would value in a friendship.