Attracting the Same Type of Person

[JAM2b]

I wanted to share this video by psychiatrist, Dr. Tracey Marks. I watch her videos for other purposes and she covers many topics, but I stumbled on this one while looking for others.

This is a very good video about why some people seem to end up in relationships with the same kind of person again and again, even if they don't want to. Basically, if we had bad experiences with important relationships early in life, we unconsciously look for those same types of people so we can try again and make it work for us, trying to get what we need by recreating a better version of what we have already experienced.

She says people who struggle with this often need professional help to break out of these cycles, but does give good explanation of why this happens and some general description of what has to happen to make it stop.

 

[UVSATURATED2020]

I sort of disagree with what you said. Now, I did not watch the video, but am only saying these things based upon your statements, because they weigh heavily on me.

Now, I would not say I have ended up with the 'same' type person with each and every relationship I have been in, and I never, judge my partner by outward appearances, but by character and whats in their heart. With that, I am always seeking to find someone new who has less attributes that I despise until I understand what I can tolerate. I know this is why I have had a few marriages and dated a lot, because I am not satisfied with any sort of person, but it is a discovery of my own self and what I can agree with.

 

[JAM2b]

It's not what I said, it's a summary of what she said. You should watch the video before responding because it clearly indicates who this would apply to.

Also, I said "some people," not every Tom, Dick, and Harry who has more than one relationship.

And, if you have not ended up with the same type of person every time, again, this would not apply to you.

Why are you disagreeing with something that isn't about what you're talking about?

 

[bèlla]

She’s correct. I did a thorough analysis of my parents and upbringing when I was pregnant. I understood the correlation and likelihood of replicating unpleasant experiences. I wasn’t raised in an abusive home. But I wanted to reenforce certain principles and set aside others. I needed to know why for each. So I didn’t repeat the past just because.

A poem I’ve posted previously, There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk, articulates the same.

I’ve shared my experiences helping others overcome their brokenness or through mentorship where healing was needed to move forward. I recommend professional assistance. A deep dive takes a long time. I worked with a few for several years.

Codependency is common. Melody Beattle wrote many books on the subject. Codependent No More is an excellent starting point.

Dating wise, decisions are frequently made based on emotion with little consideration of the impact previous experiences have had on each and if they help one other or exacerbate the problem. Support doesn’t always lead to healing if the person validates your stasis and lacks the skills to help you move beyond it positively.

You need a thorough understanding of your nature and what makes you tick. That includes strengths and weaknesses. With that in hand, you’ll understand your response to stress, the unexpected, etc. Ideally, you seek someone who mitigates the problem and provides a complementary solution through their makeup.

~Bella