Atheist-becoming a secret believer?

[lazurm]

I've been an ardent atheist all my life (age=66) but ever since my girlfriend (a practicing Catholic) convinced me to go to Mass with her I find myself wanting more and more, to the point that I enrolled in an RCIA class and only she knows that I did this (none of my friends or family knows). It's become a compulsion to the point that I feel that I now must go to Mass and even secretly pray to God, even though I don't believe in God as something personal, for me, etc.

I'm actually embarrassed about it all and only discuss this with my girlfriend who states that the Holy Spirit is working on me and that I should "surrender" to it, whatever that means or entails (what does that mean anyway?).

Needless to say, I'm going through a lot of cognitive dissonance.

I've heard of secret atheists but not a secret believer.

Any ideas out there?

 

[Nithavela]

Maybe you should explore your feelings, why you feel compelled to visit mass and to pray, even if you don't believe in him.

Do you want to believe? Do you believe on an emotional level, but not on a logical level (or vice versa)?

Does the fact that your girlfriend is a practicing catholic has anything to do with it?

One thing is for certain, there is no need to be secret about it. Most atheists wouldn't judge you any worse, though you might get some kind of triumphant reaction from some christians.

I'd suggest that you talk about this with some people that you trust and who represent both sides of the issue. Hear both opinions and think on them.

 

[singpraise]

I think this is wonderful! God is pursuing you and, most likely, it's due to your girlfriend's prayers. God wants you to know Him. Try talking to him, aka prayer, even if you don't yet believe He's a Person. He will make Himself known to you. Ask! And wait for an amazing answer. Honestly, I'm happy for you, because faith is a gift.

 

[archer75]

Glad to see your post, @lazurm . My advice: don't worry too much about this. If you were "moved" by a new (to you) religion to go out and harm people, I'd say to hold off on that. But if you're going to services and praying, you're likely only to benefit yourself. Don't worry about what the Holy Spirit means for now.

I respect the other advice already here, but I would say maybe not to worry about pro- or con- opinions for now. Go easy on yourself and go to Mass. And this place is nice, I'm new here, too, so keep posting.

 

[Root of Jesse]

Ask and you will receive, seek and you will find, knock, and the door will be open. If you want to know the essence of Christianity, read Matthew chapter 5-7. Ask, seek, knock.

If you have any specific Catholic questions, ping me. And welcome to Christian Forums!

 

[archer75]

And if you want to talk about secrecy and feeling odd in your new faith and interests, feel free to ping me. Take care and good luck.

 

[Greg J.]

Most of us were atheists or at least uncertain at one time. Nothing wrong with that being in your history. There is no demand for you to tell your family these things. That is a social and psychological issue. It only becomes a spiritual issue if you are tempted to intentionally deceive them.

If you come to believe Jesus is who he claimed to be and want to yield to his Lordship, then pray to Him a prayer of repentance, and ask Him to save you. (His answer will be "yes.") Make sure you understand that you need Jesus/God to save you. Neither your church nor anyone else will be sitting on the seat of the Judge on Judgment Day.

It would then be important (for your benefit) to be baptized in front of some witnesses, but they don't have to be from your family (a few people from the church is fine). But don't let yourself get into a situation where you may be tempted to say anything contrary to the fact that you believe in and are a follower of Jesus. Lying or denying you believe in Jesus is spiritually very bad (2 Timothy 2:12b).

I don't want to try to discuss baptism, so I'll just say that I recommend that you be baptized in the way that you believe in your heart that God wants. You can Google "verses about baptism" and read the Scripture passages yourself, and of course, learn what the meaning of baptism is. Your church would hopefully offer this without you having to ask. In the end, what matters is whether you are really yielding to God's authority over you in your heart or not (which would lead to genuinely believing in him, if you didn't already).

Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him.” (John 14:21, 1984 NIV)

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

This is great to hear! No one is to old to come to Christ. But I realize in todays world going from atheist to christian can be scary because friends may ask questions.

 

[Lulav]

HELLO and

lazurm!


I have 2 verses for you to contemplate.

From the book of John 6:44

“No man can come to me,
except the Father which hath sent me draw him:
and I will raise him up at the last day.”
​

And also from the book of John

Jesus saith unto him,
I am the way,
the truth,
and the life:
no man cometh unto the Father,
but by me.​

 

[jimmyjimmy]

I've been an ardent atheist all my life (age=66) but ever since my girlfriend (a practicing Catholic) convinced me to go to Mass with her I find myself wanting more and more, to the point that I enrolled in an RCIA class and only she knows that I did this (none of my friends or family knows). It's become a compulsion to the point that I feel that I now must go to Mass and even secretly pray to God, even though I don't believe in God as something personal, for me, etc.

I'm actually embarrassed about it all and only discuss this with my girlfriend who states that the Holy Spirit is working on me and that I should "surrender" to it, whatever that means or entails (what does that mean anyway?).

Needless to say, I'm going through a lot of cognitive dissonance.

I've heard of secret atheists but not a secret believer.

Any ideas out there?

Three things. First, I will tell you something that not many Christians will. Faith is not the opposite of thinking. The idea that faith is an unplugging of the mind is foreign to Christianity. One must engage his mind fully in order to grasp the truth.

Second, lease don't feel pressure to announce whatever faith you may now have, for Lord willing, when you see Him more clearly you will not be able to keep it a secret.

Third, you would not, and in fact could not, be pursuing God unless He were already pursuing you. A lost sheep don't need GPS, he just needs to bleat and the Shepherd will find him.

Best to you.

 

[crossnote]

Third, you would not, and in fact could not, be pursuing God unless He were already pursuing you. A lost sheep don't need GPS, he just needs to bleat and the Shepherd will find him.

Yes on this one. I think lost sheep may have a malfunctioning GPS, it works just well enough to tell them there is a home...it's just too broken to actually get them there.

 

[EmmaCat]

Wow!

Yes, there are secret atheists and secret believers, but I think you're on a wonderful path.

Keep going, I think you know where you're headed.

I'll be praying for you!

All good things
Emmy

 

[GTW27]

I've been an ardent atheist all my life (age=66) but ever since my girlfriend (a practicing Catholic) convinced me to go to Mass with her I find myself wanting more and more, to the point that I enrolled in an RCIA class and only she knows that I did this (none of my friends or family knows). It's become a compulsion to the point that I feel that I now must go to Mass and even secretly pray to God, even though I don't believe in God as something personal, for me, etc.

I'm actually embarrassed about it all and only discuss this with my girlfriend who states that the Holy Spirit is working on me and that I should "surrender" to it, whatever that means or entails (what does that mean anyway?).

Needless to say, I'm going through a lot of cognitive dissonance.

I've heard of secret atheists but not a secret believer.

Any ideas out there?

66 years is a long time to not know your true Father. I tell you a truth, He has been watching you and even helping you all your life. If you take the time to look back, it will explain a lot of things. The next time you go to church, perceive with your heart and you will feel Him there. His Presence and love will melt away your unbelief and nobody will be able to take that away from you. After that, you will want to surrender or lay down your life for His names sake. Now you will not understand this, but then you will.

 

[Brianlear]

I lost a couple friends after leaving atheism behind, but not any good ones.
Just be careful, don't assume the catholic church is the only place to find God.

 

[lazurm]

I thank all who've replied.
Being an atheist for so long it's hard for me to grasp that my current feelings can be anything more than a psychological manifestation. I'm not at all used to thinking in terms of spirit, Father, Jesus, etc. Yet, there's a small part of me that either wants to think that the "other" explanation is true or, perhaps, is worried that it's true, which would mean my whole, lifelong way of seeing things may be up for question.

I also may be going nuts which may help to explain everything!

I think, though, that having a Catholic girlfriend is probably a good part of it because, for the first time in my life, I've been experiencing things I've never, before experienced and I enjoy them a lot (and, yes, she's admitted to me that she's been praying for me to be touched by God and convert).

I will take it slow, as many here have advised, and let it go where it may go. Needless to say, I've halted any conversation with my atheist friends about religion in that I'm silent now on the subject. They haven't noticed.

 

[lazurm]

I think, emotionally, I want to believe, but my logical self, and my previous "image" and arguments, as an atheist, is very dissonant for me and, worse, I feel sort of humiliated in that, at least for me now, I've been wrong about belief as it feels more real and powerful than what I had thought it would previously.

Yes, I think it has to do with my girlfriend, actually now fiance, as she has been a very good example to me and, without arguing, has shown me a better way, at least for me and us. She admitted secretly praying for this day to come. We have been a couple for 10 years.... In fact, I convinced her not to take Communion as I feel it's an insult if we are having "relations". Not until she confesses and lives according to one of the 10 Commandments would I feel it right for her in that respect.

I no longer engage in the kind of previous discussions about God that occasionally come my way, unless it's totally among other believers as in joining RCIA I have no trouble doing so but can't do this among friends and family, especially since I was ardent for so long.

Maybe you should explore your feelings, why you feel compelled to visit mass and to pray, even if you don't believe in him.

Do you want to believe? Do you believe on an emotional level, but not on a logical level (or vice versa)?

Does the fact that your girlfriend is a practicing catholic has anything to do with it?

One thing is for certain, there is no need to be secret about it. Most atheists wouldn't judge you any worse, though you might get some kind of triumphant reaction from some christians.

I'd suggest that you talk about this with some people that you trust and who represent both sides of the issue. Hear both opinions and think on them.

 

[singpraise]

You're not going nuts. You're being pursued by the God who loves you, who created you. I highly recommend your reading C.S. Lewis's work, his non-fiction work, on how he became a believer. You're an intelligent person. I get it! Haha. (Me too!) However, sometimes our minds can be stumbling blocks.

Nobody ever comes to know God through their knowledge and reason alone. It is a spiritual experience. It is real and it is valid. You must know there exists more than you can explain or see; if you're smart you know that already. You know you are not the be all and end all of existence. Not even your own existence. Don't fight against God.

Try talking to Him, also known as prayer. You can say a simple one to start, just "Hello, who are You? Are You real?" And then listen. And study scriptures and please read some works by C.S. Lewis if you haven't already. You may be amazed.

Blessings. I am praying for you!!

Also: There is no reason or need to feel shame. Jesus really did die on the cross for you. It's true. You can start clean and fresh and new now. No shame. He will wash away your shame. That's a promise. Forget the old you and embrace the truth you were meant to find all your life.

 

[Bill Beaver]

I've been an ardent atheist all my life (age=66) but ever since my girlfriend (a practicing Catholic) convinced me to go to Mass with her I find myself wanting more and more, to the point that I enrolled in an RCIA class and only she knows that I did this (none of my friends or family knows). It's become a compulsion to the point that I feel that I now must go to Mass and even secretly pray to God, even though I don't believe in God as something personal, for me, etc.

I'm actually embarrassed about it all and only discuss this with my girlfriend who states that the Holy Spirit is working on me and that I should "surrender" to it, whatever that means or entails (what does that mean anyway?).

Needless to say, I'm going through a lot of cognitive dissonance.

I've heard of secret atheists but not a secret believer.

Any ideas out there?

Congratulations on your quest. Surrendering to the Lord can be a long and arduous process because the feelings you have are so contradictory to what you're used to. But, when you do surrender there is an enormous weight that will disappear. Remember, you're hiding your new feelings from people who are at odds with your new path. Begin to seek out new friends who can help you be your mentors. This may help.
Proverbs 3:5-6, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways understand him, and he will make straight your paths.

 

[Steven Wood]

I've been an ardent atheist all my life (age=66) but ever since my girlfriend (a practicing Catholic) convinced me to go to Mass with her I find myself wanting more and more, to the point that I enrolled in an RCIA class and only she knows that I did this (none of my friends or family knows). It's become a compulsion to the point that I feel that I now must go to Mass and even secretly pray to God, even though I don't believe in God as something personal, for me, etc.

I'm actually embarrassed about it all and only discuss this with my girlfriend who states that the Holy Spirit is working on me and that I should "surrender" to it, whatever that means or entails (what does that mean anyway?).

Needless to say, I'm going through a lot of cognitive dissonance.

I've heard of secret atheists but not a secret believer.

Any ideas out there?

Nobody likes the loud talking, "shouting from the rooftops" type believer so I don't think you have to announce it like you have to in an aa meeting (hello my name is ----- and I'm a Catholic). What I can say though is believing in God or having a change of mind and heart is not something to be embarrassed about. How would you feel knowing that God was embarrassed in you? It's ok not to talk much about God until you are more secure in your beliefs (people that talk about a subject they don't know about turn out to sound foolish in the long run) but don't be ashamed of your new way of thinking. People learn new things and have a change of heart every day.

 

[lazurm]

I am taking all your advise to heart. I've started developing friends in faith from my Church. These people have never known the "previous me" and so I can be open without feeling embarrassed. In fact, with them I feel proud and I hope that this feeling will become second nature as I learn to accept what I've always, previously, scorned. Yes, I admit I did that.
With Church based friendships I am slowly learning a new way to communicate and feel comfortable in my new self. I'm thanking God for each day that I can be who I am now.
I realize that, when I no longer feel embarrassed no matter where and with whom I am with, I will finally come to terms with this sudden change (it took a few months actually).